Okay what I did today outweighs what I did not do. And since it is officially the day of rest that deserves a pat on the shoulder. Or a smack on the butt...mhhh let's make that a high -five(seeing how it is Sunday) . Church for some reason grabs ahold of my arm and pulls me into her chapel so easily anymore that I am starting to believe again! I say her chapel because she is all about bringing the righteously faithful into the fold so that we may all worship the father. Mother Nature dissolves my worries and fears by showing me signs that only I may need to see ...too believe in the day. She is all about the small details like only a feminine spirit can breathe into the life of an exhausted child. Like the wind in my hair, caressing my face. Or my favorite- rainbows or falling stars to wish upon .At church we had a two hour seminar on the upcoming media campaign I Am Mormon.com. I thought cool because even though I am a third generation latter day saint there is soo much I do not know as far as specifics. I do know that I will not make it to the celestial kingdom unless I am married in the temple and sealed together for time and eternity. I am not scared of my faith and I cannot honestly say that I know anything for sure. It is not up to me ..it is but who really knows ? I read any and all ancient doctrine ..historical and non-fiction regardless if it is about the bible or the book of mormon or the kabbalah , the i-ching, aristotle, native american stories, wicca , celestine prophecy, legends and folklore, course in miracles, edgar cayce, even the Major and Minor Arcana. Anything I can get my hands on. I read it all and it is like my brain subconsciously accepts to believe a paragraph from this faith or just a sentence from this ancient belief or story. It is all processed and is ever changing so I cannot say for sure that I am one hundred percent this or one hundred percent that. Like I have always said...I believe God has more than one name.But I believe in this more..that they should take the name God out of every language on the face of the earth and he can return to what he is and always will be...that warm feeling in your chest. I remember when I was more than who I am now. Before I lost what can't be stole. One day when I was in fourth grade and I lived in Gig Harbor I woke up one night with this aching powerful burning presence in my chest..by my heart is where it called home. I was not afraid of it or thought it was out of the ordinary. Indeed it was like the brightest warmest feeling of love that burned electric atomic hot. An energy or essence of something that was real and right. It was good . No one could see it or feel it but me. There were times when I actually could not be around others or speak because of this overpowering presence that moved inside of me. And life went on and on and I grew older and I don't know when I noticed that I had misplaced it or set it down. I told myself that with all I have been through and the bad choices I had made that it must have been that small spark had blown out. I called out to it expecting it to return like a pet who got off the leash ... but I never quit looking really. It is not that I gave up on it or stopped hoping it would come home to me. And I do know that even though I may have fallen away from attending church or following doctrine that my god never left me. When I quit blaming where I was on this or that and just accepted things there was Jesus holding out his hand waiting for me outside my misery.You know I think I was just in survival mode when.. you have to turn the lights down or off so you aren't able to see the pain and destruction of your soul ? I just realized I need to focus more on trying to get it back than on where it went and blam there he was waiting the whole time in the pouring rain for me to come back home
No comments:
Post a Comment