who is afraid of the big bad ghost

I give you the battle and take the war..cause I am not fighting or thinking of you anymore. I feel stable and centered part of the day. I am not comfortable with nothing after all that I gave. But you know I am something .. and you hold on tight. What makes you think that i will be around when you decide that you are ready to have me around. I was blind when I got here. My pain was soo intense. It was not the darkness that stole my sight. It was the brightest bright of hate's burning right. I was in shock and I could not breathe without the cost. it was ridiculous the price we pay. Just like the gas we put in our car. One gulp of breath i took cost me two tears of dread. I sat soo long in the dark, like an invalid . And it has been said that when one of your senses goes ,your other ones will step upto the plate, to make up for the loss. I felt something bumping around in the room. It wasn't a ghost of the man that i love. It was this ...the feeling of longing that set me free. You see the love that i was wanting was found in me. It was something you could never give me to call my own you fed it my existence and it turned to stone. A stray of existence that brought me back.. This beautiful beast found my heart in the darkness..and brought it back like a stick. He waited in patience he barked in haste. He growled at the ghost that wanted me dead. He jumped on my lap then licked my face. I had my first taste of something when instead of walking away..when I wcould not play fetch. (even though it was my heart)He just fell down to lay at my feet. He asked no questions of the tears that fell ..and what time I would be back from my uncertain hell. He took my pain and your madness and led the way. To the world i was missing...hiding inside . Like a seeing eye dog

Coat of many colours..

My coat of many colours my momma made for me. No this is the one I made all by myself. The one I tried to piece together in the dark. I have got to stop this musing. I don't want him anymore. Why can't I stop tormenting myself with these deep scratches, this longing for pain ? I am crying and fine all in the same breath. I am dying and being born anew. I am winning and losing myself before the race even starts or finishes. KRIS stop putting him on and taking him off like a sweater.You don't know if you are too warm or cold. All you feel is uncomfortable. You know there is a change in the weather. That the seasons are changing in your life..let that be enough

bits and pieces ( post from 5 years back)

As long as the sun sets and the moonlight puts us to sleep. I have been walking in two worlds...the real world and the drug world. I cannot remember if the real world is make believe or fantasy. So I guess I will have to take fantasy..only because I am female. This picture is of my little girl and how I wish I could act. Cause we are stuck in winter here. I am clean clean clean... sparkly clean now. This is from an old post so no need to worry about the reference to the drug world. Guess I could go ahead and delete it, but then I would only be hiding something about myself and that is how wonderful it feels to be where I am.
Anyway here goes..
Everytime the wind blows it is her voice I hear whispering in my ear.."come to me". It tickles my soul with longing. I sense her presence when I look in the mirror, especially when I am putting on my mascara. That is really the only time I look into her eyes. Look deep into my eyes. I am restless. I want to join her by the shore. I want to immerse myself in her spirit. I want to taste the words she summons the wind with. I want to stick my warm blooded toes into her crystal clear reflection sparkling on top of the water..smiling back at me. I am Home. Mother I am back...with my dirty laundry. Unshowered and ugly with all the sickness of the world suffocating my soul. So much that I find it hard to breathe. Mother it is I ! Your biggest fucked up failure..remember me ? Here to fill up on all your sympathy and fresh beginnings. All before I leave again. Like every child. Will you hear my pleas and wake from your long cold sleep ?
It is my turn to cry to the mother who holds me in her dreams. This weight of self destruction will bury me without a doubt. She is more than all the living I will ever never know. She is pure element...the lady of the lake. We heal each other with our essence..our connection at birth. She is the blood that runs through my veins. I am the journey she moves thru. Right now she is calling out to me...her voice is the wind. Somehow I must get to Spring Valley, between Deary and Troy. Only she can detoxify what has infected my body with it's poison. It is beyond my human ability to control her energy. I can feel her departure and I know she always returns to the edge of reality . This lady of the deep. I start to sense this great loss inside of me as she fights her way back home. I can scream and cry and roll on the ground, with my arms wrapped tight around me...straight jacket bound. I close my eyes for a second and somehow the wind with it's invisible fingers stands me up straight and tall. My arms are not my own and my hair is insanity..standing up on end. It is like elctricity is gathering in the palms of my hands. My arms are pushed roughly up to the sky and this pulsating blast of magic screams out of my fingertips into the open sky. And with the voice of thunder she tells me not to cry. I fall into a puddle on the ground and all at once I hear this sound.. you must return for me" Somehow I lose her and then I follow her home. Back to the source, of a mother's shame. Back to the sorrow that calls my name. Ahhh hell ! I just want to swim in her sparkling laughter. It tickles the hair in my ears.

moonlight madness

How is it
I sit alone
with only the pain
to keep me company?
The lonliness remembers
the stories I love to hear
and the quiet
fingers each
page..closer near.

bonsai

Mourning this morning, crying tears in the backyard, so the flowers would not be thirsty. I probably doomed them to a slow death. I try to pretend I am happy. Just like everyone else I have on my halloween mask, my mask of deception. Not my red hot sex fantasy.. mardi gras face mask. With the red wet lips ahhhhhhhhhhhhh . Distractions will be the climax of me hahah. Anyway I was talking about the end of the pretty things that live in the back yard. The red flowers....My tears have no electrolytes in them. They are a bitter bleach appetizer that only the cactus have the ability to grow from. But I found a friend that will always be grounded in the soil . Right by my house . In it's shadow, is my quiet spot. The place that soothes my soul. Outside my door and to the right where the lawn is cut is my favorite tree in the whole wide world. It is solid ground that I love so much that I can't sit down. I want to wrap my arms round the rough bark and tangle my hair in it's fragile limbs. I smile up at the sky and look in wonder at this majestic beast that feeds me with new life. This tree holds withhin it every wish i ever wondered and every tear I could ever cry. Why is It I am left to wonder whatever happens to either one of us...I will be the one to die?

knock knock..

If I could slide down a rainbow...
without burning my ass on the vibrant color
Could you catch me on your bed
to break my fall?
pls?
And then roll me over..
to make sure I'm alive.
If I am not still breathing,
pls ?
push my skirt back into place,
and close my legs.
pls and thank you
then goodbye

Note to myself "IF" is the big word here, not could. "IF" is like the Grand Canyon of all doubt.But upon closer examination there is no word that would work to open this poem up. When wouldn't work cause I don't know if I can do it without burning my ass. There is no switch to turn the atomic heat off of the vibrant colours and since I was planning on wearing no panties with that black mini skirt mmhhhhh. Now the whole damn thing is so not working for me. Maybe the second sentence should start with .."would" you catch me on your bed ? Because with "could" out front, it is more like a challenge..like your standing there with your hands on your hips and that tone in your voice. I mean my voice...Fuck it "would" is too weak it is like a whiney I don't think your qualified for the job group of letters. Double Dam Jam lick my tits ! How is this going to happen..let's try this. If I knock on your door could we fuck on your bed ?

Where there is Hope (1/20/2008)

Okay was just wasting time looking thru old titles..Where there is Hope caught my eye. Just because after being my best friend forever Hope is now with My Ex. When we first met she was dating the son of my ex. And doesn't a story go so much better with a picture ? The girl on the far right is Diamond girl, another one of my best friends . Hope is the middle beauty. Ej is on the far left and is now an ex daughter in law. It is ironic how things change isn't it ? I am not as upset as I should be, and why is that you ask ? I say none ya friggin business ! Anyway the original post goes..
God it was soo good to hear your voice on the other end of the phone. Ahhh misadventure after misadventure we have shared over the years. Are we connected by the Davis charm or by the Davis curse ? How much I have come to rely on you to restore my sanity, cause only you know how crazy a Davis can make one. Only you. Only you Hope know of my love and heartbreak.How my love for him destroyed any taste of a normal life..as a functioning adult. I remember calling you everytime I was spent. Everytime I was used up..and you would just know. You never had to ask. You knew of my suffering and deepest dark depression, cause you had shared it yourself in this unfolding Davis drama. God did the usage and years speed away from us and all we had to offer ? I could barely keep my head above the water ..that last week. I forgot how to breathe and was starting to turn red..dark red. I was soo lost and confused. I have cried so many tears since I met you and since I last talked to you. I tried to hold out until you got out of pine lodge. But I could not have done it any longer without drowning in my shallow spoon of despair. It was only your kind words that saved me for a couple more days. the last time I let you give me air to breathe, one last dying breath to hold onto. You said.."Kris did you forget how beautiful you are ? when you heard my sad voice on the other line... I answered..Yes Hope my vice got in the way" If I could have only believed the words you fed me..Would it have been enough ?
I don't know, Cap was my Dr. Kervorkian
and all I wanted was the cure.

Morning Sunsine

Slept in kinda late but just finished my 3rd cup of coffee in this Mormon house and any tiredness I had sitting on my lap has just opened up their umbrella and left my house. Now is time to clean cause my niece will be here tomorrow for the weekend, with her new beau Matt. Anyway they are stationed on the same aircraft carrier. In the navy you can sail the seven seas... oh my God pls do not let yourself start singing that song miwokdreamer..NO HUMMING EITHER- stop it !!!!Hell I got to go distract myself with possibly "Get down with the sickness" Yeah Disturbed should do. Anyway this day I would like to introduce you all to Katie my daughter and my two year old grandson Sam. I love watching her chase him around, it makes me feel good inside. It makes me lift my head up to the sky and smile up at the lord and say Thank you. You remember that small little clause parents throw in your face when you are younger ....that I hope when you have kids they will be just like you? It works !One more thing people and this is serious...Please please Please fix up the spill that is leaking oil into our ocean. Let there be a fix ! It is really a shame when mankind not only contaminates our air but makes it impossible for our waterlife to survive. It does not matter who is at fault, only that it was man. We are all responsible for this because we look the other way. What good is it to point fingers and say look those are the bad ones ? Especially when nothing is working. The only thing that is happenening is there is a line drawn in the sand. One side screaming at the other that you are wrong. I am sure the other side knows. First and foremost figure out something and then assign blame. It takes something like this to change the minds of those who understand the real consequences of pollution. Maybe it will be those powerful minds who are responsible for this crisis to keep this from happening again in the future.

Excuse me..could I borrow your husband ?

Well this day has been exceptional. A very wonderful day right down to my mocha. But since I am female I have that nagging tendency to moan and bitch. I have been out in the jungle taking pictures in our back yard. There are black clouds on the horizon and that means our wireless is gonna go bye bye for a reign or two. I was just trying to figure out the weed eater ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I quit bitching long enough to look over the picture instructions and now I cannot figure out how to make the string longer. Did I mention we found a light fixture at the habitat store in Spokane yesterday..but guess what ladies ? Do not know how to install it and I hate electricity. That evil current of pulsing electricity that screams through your muscles aching for release.. just like um.

dancing drum

Cassidy had her first drummer dance recital. It was a most sunshiney beautiful day yesterday, well without the sun. I do not know what is wrong with my inability to stop taking pictures of my daughter. But she was soo good and healthy when we all met up for bananna splits before the big dance, that I could not help myself. here she is drumroll... cassidy nicole

keys of great note..

You know if there is one thing my sweet little monkey is able to find in me- it is knowledge in what she thinks I know...that drives me crazy. It is her insistence to learn how to play the piano from me. It is great because she actually believes I am great reader of music and she listens when I try to explain scales. Ha she listens..did I actually say she listens ? And If I tell her she has to wait til I get there , she does this cute little monkey dance that just warms my heart. It jumpstarts my day. The funny thing is I only know maybe three songs and that is why the piano lives in the garage. I miss my girls growing up in our crazy house. Dancing in the living to rollercoaster...laughing our heads off.

Smirk of it all

Me and my friend were laughing, talking about being evil and I was reminded of an incident. where I was just plain evil. Did you know sometimes being evil feels so good ? Anyway I was on the east side, trying to walk home from the zip trip on altamont and well you know how guys can act when you don't mean to look hot..but what can you do ? Anyway I make my purchase and I walk out of the store with my eyes down. Cause sometimes the brothers freak out if you give them any eye. And as I am walking down the alley from the store and this guy starts whistling and talking about how good my ass moves...blah blah blah already heard it fella. And I am not even doing ... my want some fries with that shake walk. And I am going to let it slide, but he keeps going and I start to get this feeling like he is jacking off or something. I try to walk faster before it happens, but then all of a sudden it catches up to me and taps me on the shoulder....and I get insulted. Cause by God has he not seen me on the back of that blue panhead during the five years I have lived in the area ? I start to seethe as I flip him off and I make it to the end of the next block. The next thing I realize is my legs are marching me right up to him...all calm and collected, in the heart of the ghetto. Altamont is separating us and this stupid fuck starts cooing me like I am actually interested what he has inside his pants for me. Haha the male race does just about nothing for me except teach me how to take care of my own. I lean across the street and ask him if it was my sweet ass he was ranting about as I was walking down the alley, cause I didn't know if I was the lucky girl. He starts rubbing his hands all excited, as I cross the street to look him dead in the eye. I say rather loudly..."You are friggin stupid right ? Look at my face does this look like a smile to you ? Look closer, it's a smirk ! I AM A CUNT ! and I am so red hot red mad !! All of a sudden we both look up and there are cars and people stopped everywhere, laughing at the look this guy has on his face, as he backs up from me with his hands in the air. All of a sudden I snap out of it and I whisper under my breath ..nominees for best actress in don't fuck with a girl in the ghetto role are..

playing with fire

Today is like any other day if you ask me..so don't ask me. I went walking yesterday and i created a bouqet for you in my head. Not a marker to adorn a grave, but a blast of color to blow life back into my view of things. I don't want to be black and white anymore I want vivid, vibrant color so bright it is like looking at the sun ! Happy birthday Mom. Cassidy frosted the cake I baked and we both lit the candles. Back to ebay to list list list

fresh breath

Sometimes I am soo pitiful..it actually bores me. And when I get bored I start to pace back and forth. Because I figure that if boredom blinds you..you must be old. And if you are old,...then forgotten wraps it's ice cold fingers around your throat. You forget the chill and you close your eyes trying to remember the heat that was soo hot it burned. That Red hot radioactive sex hot.. heat! Where the fuck did I hide it ? I use to greet each day as a challenge...feeding on each moment of daylight like electrolytes ...with nothing more than a yawn escaping my lips. With the sun shining outside and the youth of my children standing freely at my side. I plundered and pillaged the free ride that life had hid inside itself. Adventure and misadventure... each one holding onto a free hand..pulling me along. Night and day, wrong and right, good and bad..we were one. Us three
I did not think about consequence or trying to remember the way home. I saw myself as a beautiful warrioress who wanted nothing more than to skinny dip in an ancient brook gurgling in it's eternal youth.. Just like mouthwash at the back of your throat.

casting

Why try to find some shadow in the darkness to call my very own?
Am I that desperate for affliction...
That I toss out rhyme or reason,
from a pole
Fishing out of season
in a shallow puddle
of mirth

the hive..

If I was part of the hive, that lives in the bottom step of the roost. I would wait til you were all sat down and comfortable..at that table. In the backyard. With your eyes closed and your toes lost in the fresh cut grass...Before I would even let loose my song of warning....bzzzzzzzzzz

emotional sealife

Every month until the exact instant I start I have this buildup of hot cold emotion that runs up and down my body trying to find a way in. It is like an overwhelming loss overtakes me and I let it lead me by the arm away from rational thought. It is like the death of me and it is the start of nothing I have ever seen. Ha cause to tell you the truth it is not seen it is the invisible current of insanity that screams to be heard. Maybe cause it is going away forever or at least a little while, like a month. I lose my self confidence as soon as I listen to the ghosts that are trying to shatter the peace of mind. If anything it is my few friends who help me the most by looking the other way as my mind gives up intense emotion. God help the next man who loves me....no I take that back he will be the luckiest gem alive. I am back from the edge of madness, with a grin licking my lips. Wow that was intense and real. I just finished up the old tale of catherine and heathcliff and I bawled like a baby last night as I lay awake reading. Not so much for obnoxious Catherine, but for Heathcliff's loss. And I just feel for his agony and pain and I don't care that he took it out on those around him after she was no longer his and how he mourned for her after her death...cause it was something that was not his to control. She knew that and played the temptest so well that she is the one who damned them all to hell. friggin bitch I say

sunflower seeds

How many bags of sunflower seeds has my fingers ripped open? More bags than I can count. One thing that all my men have always held against me is my love for seeds. I love to read and seed. I try not to spill the shells, I really do. Shit I cannot write or think or do any damn thing except get lost in my love for you. Where are you and whose arms are you wrapped up tight in ? I don't want anyone else to kiss or promise me the things that you use to promise me. I am sorry ...I am sorry
Do you ever think bout me or miss the life we had ? I was talkin with one of your friends and they said you were having a hard time without me. I started to cry cause I cannot come back home. It will be the death of me. I thought I could change you with my love. That if you had my love you would be able to live without the drugs you poison yourself with. But that is not so, you had an arm to wrap around each of us. I do not believe you when you say you quit..that is like you stating that you figured out how to live without oxygen. I cannot watch you drown yourself in a drugs embrace without wanting to slap you hard across the face and scream BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE.

pick up sticks..

Best pick up line that never got in my pants...good try from rathdrum. Here goes "..or you meet a person that in a second, means more to you..than all you are or have ever been."

my eyes belong to you..

I feel like pms is already knocking on my door. She refuses to go away and if anything the polite taps have evolved to a heavy metal death rap screammmmmmmmmmmmm!! My mouth feels metallic and I can taste evil at the back of my throat. Just swallow it down with something Kris !! My implosion is on the horizon. I can feel the energy building up...being sucked up into this black hole of destruction. I go into the bathroom and twist my hair up into a ponytail, that does not look right. I look right into the face of the beast which is me and I smile the most beautiful one I can muster. I feel scared of what is inside me at times, cause it is like a wild dog. Once it gets loose and off the chain I don't know if I can reign it back in. But like all wild beasts, we all need a little sunshine eh?
I want to be doing anything besides laying on my bed in the dark staring out the window. At the stars in the black sea sky...that holds the world in place.

azure sky...a voice did sing

So today is among other things mothers day..designated that is. And while I sat in church trying not to yawn, I focused on the faces that were giving talks. The yawns came and I freed them into the air. As my attention searched in secret to keep my mind awake, it rested on all the little children. The beautiful little people, who carried themselves like the kings and queens of the many noble families, who sat scattered among us..the common folk. It was like half of them fed on all the eyes watching the show they were the star of. I felt myself long to approach the podium and take over the microphone so I could utter.."nominees for childlike behavior in a flowing purple dress.." I just could not pay attention to anything today cause I had stayed up very late last night reading Eldest (Eragon book 2) and playing wii. My littlest monkey could not breathe knowing I held the top 3 positions on the various games that we play. She is competitve to the point of failure. I can only blame that on her father cause I don't know where she got that from. Anyway I was in the middle of a sigh that was trying to bloom into a yawn, when we all opened our hymnbooks to sing. AND I FOUND MYSELF lifting upto heaven on the wings of a voice. Exactly behind me sat an angelic voice...that was so pure and weightless. It was all I could do not to turn around and stare. A voice of an angel..she will haunt my dreams. I opened my mouth and was able to sing in perfect harmony along with her. She held within her lungs the backbone of what is beautiful to behold. It was something that held no physical form and that is what started the time that got away from me. Trying to figure out how to see who held that angel of a voice inside her. I never saw her face, but maybe that is a good thing. Cause it makes me want to return to church and sit lost in the back. I have to know what she looks like before she opens her mouth to sing. I bet she is beautiful and skinny. I have to figure it out on my own at all costs, even if I have to give a talk. Just so I can face the congregation. Please do not let the bishop hear my thoughts and assign me a topic.....

old post of mine

july 10, 2005 on my livejournal;
Worst saying females say.."MEN ARE SUCH DOGS." Men are not dogs. They are worse than dogs. They drool like dogs and want to hump everything they cannot eat. Dogs are loyal and they come when you call them. Men only come if they call you !

getting soft

I want the wind to blow in the warm bright days of summer...Hello impatiently waiting !It was not my intention to run into my ex-girlfriend at the casino last weekend. Well she ran into me. I was glad to see tears running down her face when I turned around to see who had called me by name. Hope...my perfect alibi at one time. Well with the evil twist. She and I use to see each other over the years before I figured out I like dick. And instead of just being my best friend and enjoying the view.. she turned on me. She went to my boyfriend and slept with him after she told him I had cheated on him. Which I guess I did, with her. Does it count really if he is in jail for a year ? Or if she is just using you..so she would be able to borrow some of your best clothes? I don't know and I don't care. Like I told her you both can have my sloppy seconds. Anyway I did something I swore I would never do..I forgave her. Not really to her face or anything but inside of me. I do not have time for a bitter war. I think about him less and less. I guess I am getting soft. Or maybe I am just getting closer to the front of the line and I don't want to lose my place by going back to where I have been. Cause if the truth be told I think of Cap as a best friend and I know that I have not met the love of my life yet. So I choose to stay in line and hope for a taste of whatever it is we are all waiting for..while we all stand still. Anyway also today went to the beauty place and had my eyebrows done and a manicure. Cassidy had a manicure as well. She only got on my nerves 37 times today, trying to tickle me. I hate being tickled. And we just got back from wal-mart and are watching avatar again. Mom paid $59 for some conditioner for my hair, excuse me but that is crazy isn't it?

flight

Today was nothing more than a blur..driving down a road destination unknown. Woke pretty early from childhood dreams only to find adult situations awaiting me. After I got dressed and figured out the items that had sold on ebay and where they had to go and off the the races we go. Social security office was a breeze. Was done and finished in ten minutes. Then all of a sudden I found myself at Macy's in the dressing room trying clothes on. They were having a big sale and when all was said and done I got a couple new outfits including a bra..a good one. Ah so my breasts will have lift and cleavage, the deep valley that so many eyes seem to get lost in. I got this one top that is so hot on me that I just looked at myself in the full length mirror and just exhaled... smiling. That is until I remembered that I don't have anyone to wear it for. And then after my mom and I were done trying to fit me together we jumped in her ride and pulled up to Panda Express. mmmmhhhhh good !! The orange chicken was excellent and did I mention the food was good... There is nothing like a full belly and a full bag of new tricks (clothes) to make a girl feel special. Then we jump in for the long ride back to Moscow. Only to get all the way home and then we decided that yes we will meet cassidy at the casino at 6 pm for pickup. yes she is now in the living room watching tooth fairy. The Rock is soo good looking-WOW I want one ! I had four slices of pizza cause I am trying to make sure that no man will find me attractive in the future. The things I do to avoid a broken heart. I was staring out the window today trying to not freak out on how much longer or ask ..are we there yet>? And my eyes began to focus on something standing still above the ground. The closer we got to this dark spot the more excited I got. I began to fidget and then this peaceful calm enveloped my whole body as every inch of my attention tried to find something wrong with this picture. Nothing was wrong with any of it, in fact the taste of it will only tempt my hunger. It was a big black tailed hawk....gliding.

taste my chocolate cake..with frosting

Wow I lost my temper only once today, but it was a full blown nuclear event evacuation.. people. My mother and I had alot of things to get done today and we started the farthest away from home, which was wal-mart. Anyway we are in there in the photo department and she tells me not to move. She is going to run out to her suv and get her camera so we can make sure the memory card we get is the right one. Well I wait and wait and still I wait and then I say fuck it and go out to the parking lot and she is gone. I try not to lose it.. knowing she must have run home to grab the camera even though I am the one who put it in her purse before we left. I wait by the front doors for another 45 minutes and leave the cart and start walking home. I am so mad I start crying these big alligator tears, my feelings are so hurt. I had walked maybe a mile before she picks me up and she has no apology for me...to soothe my madness away. No she decides that I deserve lunch where she chooses. Anyway needless to say I bit my tongue and ate my tacos and off we went at a breakneck pace. I now have I.D and tomorrow we go to Lewiston so I can get my social security card. I am not sure how long I am going to stay this time. She cuts me off from others. No that is on me. I rarely stand up for myself cause mother knows best, I guess? Anyway one thing about my day that is just me being kris is how i love to lie in bed while there is stuff waiting to be done. I love to lay sprawled out half naked with a pillow stuffed under my head and a book (eragon) perched under my nose. I love stretching and rolling around like I am in the water or something while the clock ticks away like the heartbeat of my ex-lover. Which I don't give a shit about anyway..let it wait. I swear sometimes I feel sleep stuck in my big toe, trying to work it's way out. Yawn and that ain't even mentioning the sex dreams that start to tickle my mind like a long french feather..

what matters most..

I looked and read the trash I wrote when I found the time to sit still long enough to blog. It is the dark matter that bothers me the most, cause that is not what I am about, is it? I know and understand that life is about the good and the bad. It is about the balance between night and day. Of finding something to hold onto before we go away. It is about screaming in rage and trembling with fright. It is about the games we play and the secrets we keep. It is about forgiving ourself for not giving up on the things that we should and fingering doubt as we lie awake in bed. It is for not believing in love and squeezing it tight. For not letting it grow into a beautiful thing, cause we don't want to lose it..whatever the cost. For breathing in the sweet taste of life and not getting lost in the dream.
Life is about chocolate cake and holding hands, fruity pebbles with plenty of milk. And smiling at men with that sensual grin. For waiting in line and not eating all your food. For popping your zits before they burst and walking in the rain. Crying at movies and wiping your nose on the sleeve of your shirt. Leaving the lights on when you fool around and yelling at cars as you race down the road. Cause the idiots need to know who has the right of way..which is you of course. It is for not giving a shit about what people think. It is about .."last call for alcohol" and throwing up in the drain. It is all about looking up at the stars and howling insane by the light of the silvery moon. It is about my sailor mouth and the way that I walk and my love for tight fitting jeans It is about falling down and waiting around for someone to hold out a hand to help you up. It is about chasing your dog when he gets loose and getting your children off the school. It is about dirty clothes and dishes that you hide out of sight. It is impossible to say what else I love ....oh yeah good health and not wearing a bra and being insane...

the chair of strife

Look what the chair caught..a beautiful part of me ! My daughter and I were trying to get the back patio/porch area picked up before we moved out the umbrella and new chairs. But like a venus flytrap this is what I found. the weekend was pretty good even after we got to the casino in cda. We put on our swimsuits and ventured out the door. Down the stairs and by the frontdesk, ignoring all the stares. I was having a good looking day and I tried to put off swimming as long as I could..but my little girl would not be swayed. Damn my luck I swore all the way, not realizing she had saved me from myself til later in the night. Of course we were the only ones at the pool even though it was not dark outside. Everyone was sitting up with lady luck whispering in their ear..play the odds again. Fuck that I would rather play with myself where the mermaids like to stay. The most cutest thing of the visit was when my little queen came around the corner while I was in the shower with her hands upon her hips. "Cassidy bring me a towel" I hollered as I reached out for empty space. She just smiled and turned to poise and I choked the laughter down. My 9 year old had stuffed paper towels into the place where her boobs would grow about 5 years from now. hahha Anyway she is back in spokane now and i cannot wait to see her soon so she can test my patience in every way before I run her home.

the taste of coffee

I just rolled out of bed and it is past noon. Can you believe my luck ? I put my mind to rest and started a pot of coffe. It just makes sense.. to give the rest of my body, a chance to catch up with the rest of me.

maybe...

Maybe when it is over and the world is fresh and new,
things will be different when it comes to loving you.
Maybe when my heart is too tired to cry
I will try to find myself
and not the reason why.

crone fever..

Just checking in to say I am too busy to post

2010-05-01

MAGIC somehow has found me,standing all alone.She wraps her arms around me, whispering in my ear. Her voice gets louder..she calls me by my name.She calls to the earth, the stars and the moon. My mind starts to focus, my eyes try to see.
The trees ache to hold me, and save me from her wrath.They know my soul is ancient.
I heard it in the leaves the wind gave it voice. I closed my eyes and went to that safe place we have inside of us. I was at the river with the rocks underfoot. I know the lady that dwells there. What she keeps is my soul.
The rain has saved me from poison, maybe saved my life. Maybe it was only mother soothing her daughter.Even before I could wonder, the rain and thunder saved me from the weather that was building up in me. My teardrop fell with the rain ..that fell from the sky. It was the cold raindrops on a hot summer day that jump off the pavement and disappear in a cloud of mist that smells so good.. before it waves goodbye. I looked up at the sky and a rainbow appeared like a diamond in the sky.