the fall...

the last time my ankle was sprained this bad was the beginning of last winter. i had walked down to the community daycare facility in the eastside to pick up my daughter cassidy. we had decided to walk over to the ziptrip on altamont for some candy before we headed back to the house. i had my huge mug with me for my 99 cent refill of pop. i always get half pepsi and half coke. i couldn't remember which one i liked and which one cap liked more so i started doing the half and half. to this day if i take a sip of pepsi i grimace and think..must be the coke i like better. but if i take a sip of coke i grimace and think just the opposite. so it is half and half baby. anyway we had walked past the senior housing place and were waiting to cross by the community center. i am an excellent jaywalker let me tell you i don't need a crosswalk to control my path. we had stopped and were waiting for the traffic to let us pass. which they did of course eventually. i had my two hander mug in tow and had my daughter's violin case strung over my shoulder so that her instrument was riding on my back. there was a city bus pulled to a stop to the right and it was just full of people. i was self conscious as i stepped down off the curb because i didn't have a lid on my mug so i started singing out loud..i'm a little bit country and BLAM I WENT DOWN HARD. i didn't know how bad i was hurt and all i felt was the silent stares from the audience that was watching. i had spilled half the soda down the front of my white coat and calmly told cassidy to take the pop. but she was screaming   MAMA ARE YOU OKAY ? she was crying uncontollably. i thought dammit cassidy cause she was starting to freak me out.i did a quick check to make sure i was not the victim of a drive-by shooting or worse because of the way she was carrying on. i put down the mug and i asked her without looking up is the bus still there? is everyone watching but she was incoherent. so in a split second i just jumped up lickety-split and with one hand in the air waving to the crowd i took a bow as if i was on stage and blew a few kisses with my unscraped hand and picked up what was left of my soda and hobbled to the other side of the street we had just crossed all without looking back. my daughter just stood there while i started to walk off and jumped back to reality and caught up to me in a run. i told myself if she started laughing that i was gonna smack her right there on the street but she was trying to stop herself from crying so guess what? i started laughing and the closer we got to my house the tighter my boot became and the bitchier i got 

the pic is cassidy and i celebrating her bday

tommy who..

everytime i give up my bed so my mom can sleep all comfortable and shit..i wake up evil grouchy. that couch is hard and it isn't wide enough to actually relax into peaceful slumber. i toss and turn and fidget worse than a crack addict. work was almost impossible i had soo many rooms. but i just love the hours and it doesn't bother me to spend soo much time alone as long as i have my ipod. i left after doing 20 rooms and it was soo frigid cold that i stopped and actually tried on and then bought an insulated pair of carhart jeans and a pair of tommy jeans. they were on sale and i freeze walking back and forth to work. the tommy jeans i didn't want to even try on cause they were a little different and more expensive but once i had them on my ass looked soo good i had no choice but to get them sigh...yep that is my story and i am sticking to it.

the sex...

i personaly tend to think sex is over rated. i am not saying i am done with it or that it is done with me. it has been an obstacle. it has been a tool. it has been taken. it has been given. it has been shared. it has been a shield. it has been a barrier. it has hungered and starved. it has danced around a warm fire. it has never got away from me. it lives inside my little finger. it hides there now hoping it will not be found. i will give it away only if i am weak. i am native american. ha like that is an excuse. if i drink the right combination of alcohol my mind forgets that it doesn't want to play. i drink i get horny i black out. deadly combination

monday yuck...

when i called into work this morning it was soo dead that i was given the day off. only ten rooms checked out out of 60. i have soo many things i am behind on but my motivation fizzled before i rolled off the couch. my mom gave her matress and box springs away to a couple from our church before we found this place. now everynight i give her my bed and sleep on the couch and it is uncomfortable and just miserable. i wake up and tend to fall out as soon as she is up and out of my room.she promises she is going to buy a new one when she gets back from her vacation but until then i am sleeping once i lay down on my bed no matter if it is just to put my socks on my feet. one of the other housekeepers at work has to take two weeks off from work cause her doctor says she has mono. now all of a sudden i feel tired and listless all the time with no energy lol. so i finally got my mom to take me to the library which is one block away from where we live. i need to get a library card but the last date i went on the guy decided since i didn't have sex with him he was going to keep all my money and throw my wallet away in the trash can in colfax. i make minimum wage and he has a masteter's degree geez what a narcissus. a spoiled rotten baby. now i have no i.d. or social security card and my ebt card is gone. guess when it is good it is hard to pass up . i use to live with him before cap so it's not like he was a stranger. but after all the years he was a stranger and it didn't feel right so i passed and left my wallet in his motel room. go figure .
 i am just settling into my wall of pillows and have my sprained ankle up and am fixing to put the girl with the dragon tattoo here in this device called a laptop ahhh and even better news i got the next three sookie stackhouse or true blood novels as well. i started from dead to worse. i finished the abraham enigma couple days back and tried to read march in country a military science fiction and it is just not happening. figured out how to ensure tomorrow will start off good-i am not going to jump on the scale to see how much i weigh ..I PROMISE ON MY FAT ROLL

miwok poem by jack crimmins

in my down time i read and it is sometimes with great wonder that i pick a book out of the blue and am rewarded with a treasure such as this. i try to read all my non-fiction books or at least flip thru them. but this book i read after it sat on my shelf for 3 or 4 years it is called Crystal Woman "The Sisters of Dreamtime". it was published in 1987. i bought it because i collect non-fiction and any old or ancient knowledge be it foreign or domestic. Anyway i thought this was more of a spiritual properties of crystals and rocks reference guide but it was about a woman's journey to the land down under and the time she spent with some of the medicine women there. once i got past the first chapter i could not put this book down and it was actually close to the end that i found this poem at the end of a chapter. there is a reference to the MIWOK INDIANS in it. i am MIWOK. there is nothing that sticks out in any history book about the people of my tribe. we were acorn gatherers and lived under the giant redwoods in northern california. maybe 3 years ago the federal government restored our recognition as a tribe. that is like they gave us back our skin...like we were invisible before or something. yosemite was ours and in 1971 me and my sister were given a check for under 800 dollars for a payment of some sort for what they took. the lawyers were the one who got rich. i never met a miwok i wasn't related too. and since i was adopted and moved immediately to hawaii-it was years and years before i met my biological grandma. i do know the women in my tribe seem to have mustaches lol. the only thing i have ever found was an old document that says...in 1579 Sir Francis Drake was greeted by the Miwok Indians. so imagine my surprise and wonder when i read the words after all the trips to the library trying to find anything related to my culture (before internet that is)

WOUNDS ARE SHADOWS
GREAT HEAPS OF DARK
SPACE.

BETWEEN TWO VALLEYS
TREES SWIM LIKE RIVERS
ORCHESTRATED IN WIND.

OLD MAN AND DRAGON
CLOUDS RIDE SHOTGUN
ON BLUE NORTHERN SKY.

VERY FEW HAVE BEEN HERE.
TURKEY BUZZARD, WHITE-TAILED DEER,
MIWOKS A HUNDRED YEARS AGO.

THE VOID IS LIKE THIS CENTERING PLACE.
BEYOND WOUNDS IT IS A CANAL
OF BIRTH

DEEP INTO UNCHARTED AVENUES
WHERE A PATH OF TRUTH COVERED
WITH OVERGROWN LIES

ATTENDING TO THE RESERVOIR OF DUST

       by Jack Crimmins

december 2009

another journal going bye bye and i broke my rule about looking thru it..this one caught my eye.

EVERYTHING I AM DOING IS LOST ON YOU. WHY AM CRYING?
WHY AM I TRYING IF YOU DON'T CARE? NOTHING IS CHANGING
BUT MY SORROW
 WHICH HAS BEEN GROWING
INTO A FRAGRANT SEED
 OF A WOMAN'S WRATH


       p.s haha that was such another time..it is like nominees for a drama queen are me

good lord..

things i am good at are being unreasonable, holding a grudge, avoiding the truth, living a lie, not believing in myself, expecting more than i got, doing the best i can, loving with my whole heart, and getting lost. i once believed that if you were a good person and raised your children right and worked hard without complaining and tried not to lie or steal or cheat that GOD would make sure that things would work out for you in the end., like having to take time off from work cause your kids are sick then not being able to pay the rent in full and hoping that the odd job would show up in your face before the landlord was knocking on your door wanting sex for what you owe. that when you are a single parent and you have to work and be gone all the time that your children will understand and not become strangers like mine have. i still have love for my GOD. i still have faith in his plan even though i may not know where it is i fit in. one thing about being an addict is once you start using to ease the pain that you never really go anywhere because the feel good you get from drugs starts to feel better  than the feel good life can give you. i was in the worst relationship of my life. no details at this time only that it was verbal and physical abuse and of course i loved the man so i stayed and i started to use because of it.  only thing was once i was out of that abuse and on my own i would put myself back into the same kind of relationship that i swore i would never be in again just so i had an excuse to run back into the arms of being high.  people say that i am a bad person because i have used drugs but i say to you that is completely the opposite. my god never left me. he waited for me. he knew i was worth it. and because of this i now believe it ...

room 308..

i knew today was going to be really busy and it was. in between room 308 and 309 i had a mood swing of epic proportion. it was a massive landslide into oblivion. it started with a sigh and all of a sudden what was left of my getter done hang in there kinda mood was gone. i guess it abandoned ship. i was almost done in 308 i was just finishing up scrubbing the tub. i don't mind making beds or vacuuming but the toilet and the tubs make me pissy. and my trigger was 2 pubic hairs that wouldn't wash down the drain without me having to use my scrub to touch them. cause that just becomes a hassle fuk i hate being on my knees bent over trying to get rid of pubic hair u know? well you probably don't. ba humbug. i had the experience of my vice wrapping it's icy cold fingers around my heart and i had to sit back with the exhaust in the bathroom blaring out any sound of my misery. i know it is going to take the rest of my life not to be an addict. i moved away from the source although one phone call and wow am not even going there. i have been okay. i am lonely. i am depressed. i am overweight. i am behind in every mess that is boxed up in the apt. i get home from work and i mean to do something to make the mountain of boxes turn into hills but i end up just flopping on my bed and giving up. i feel like nothing. i have nothing but empty arms...

i guess since i live right next to the high school i am witness to all the extra ciricular activity. there are all kinds of charter buses and  of course  orange elementary school buses parked in front of and all around a three block radius from ephrata, 2 from richland, montana, 3 charters from vancouver and okanagan. it is kinda hard to focus on the gonzaga game after the jayhawk vs. missouri game went into overtime. it was crazy that is when i started to stand up when the jayhawks would score and i started seeing the buses outside on a saturday. oh well least there is some excitement in the air...the cold air 
  at work it was hectic but always fun. i like being around people who travel they are ususally friendly and like to converse. i met a girl on the third floor who told me there was a busload from boston college in massachusettes. she was studying linguistic imperialism ..is that like being able to say fuk you in any language.? there is always the universal sign for that course of study -the middle finger folks. yes see i am smarter than the average bear. it doesn't bother me any more to brush shoulders with all the students who attend college. i work right across from the university of idaho and my mom retired from wsu (credit union) but she got me a job before i married cassidy's dad at the cub on campus. wow it must hurt to be that smart. i think that it is not upto me to judge anyone and if anything least they are on the right track. some maybe not for the right reason but there are soo many faces who knows? who has time to wonder or even care when my world is falling apart.  does anyone know where i keep my gorilla glue? locked up in a cage duh

jazzfest 2012..

the lionel hampton jazzfest is in full swing right now and the streets of moscow idaho are full of tourists and music lovers of all ages. my daughter from spokane was here yesterday with her school to perform but i couldn't get tickets in time to actually be in the audience. we were busy moving the rest of the way into our new place. i worked my hardest on getting stuff done and being a cripple with my sprained ankle. soo many memories stirred from the boxes they were hidden in. it was melancholy. but we had to downsize (well i didn't have to downsize) to actually fit all my mothers things in the storage unit and here as well. boy oh boy it wasn't very fun suggesting things that needed to go to goodwill . i would hold up say napkin rings and she would go on and on ...oh no your dad bought those when he was in hong kong. i know she misses my dad we all do. and i have a few of his things that i gotta have near me as well. sigh..least they were sealed in the temple for time and eternity.  i don't even have a fuk toy let alone a boyfriend. but when i am ready i will. i am 45 years old now and i refuse to settle on someone just cause i feel lonely. no way am i going that route. i am in control of my choices. besides i have never ever had any kind of problem finding men. maybe i have a hard time keeping them lol. but that is because i didn't choose wisely. .

bubbles..

when i first met david i was going thru a hard time..my old man was locked up i had a new dog who did not like anybody but me and then he came along. we had one thing in common sorta-vegetarians. he was a non-meat eater just like my daughter erica. he was tall like a tree and i found comfort in his words and drawings. i use to walk with him in the ghetto to the store and tell him...hehe you know what david this is your luckiest day cause everyone is gonna see me walking with you and they are gonna be like mmhhh why is that gorgeous chic hanging out with that hippie looking guy and it will only be a matter or time that some chic is gonna wanna check it out. and i would just smile and he would smile at my smiles and shake his head. he was my friend my only friend there for awhile. anyway i saw this drawing and i was like oohh that is cool. and i am water and i started seeing things in it that i shouldn't have cause it just made me want it even more. i first saw it on the wall at his previous residence and i stareted bugging him bad. i thought if i was nice he would feel sorry for me with cap locked up and then i tried to trade and finally i resorted to cash and none of it worked. when cap was out for the first time before going back for a long time the first thing i asked him was if he would get me that picture from david. but life goes on david fell in love and moved up on the south hill but i never forgot about how comfortable i always felt during "our" silence. anyway one day out of the blue he showed up and he had framed it and added color and gave it to cap. cap was all excited waiting for me to show me what he finally got for me. i didn't even recognize it but with the photo edit app i restored it hehe just got enough time to play carnival shootout a few times before sleep hijacks my consciousness

flight..

yesterday i noticed two times an osprey or it could have been a hawk just gliding on the wind. hovering on the wings of time. it was so graceful to watch such a majestic beast with such a huge wingspan right above me. the wind was crazy yesterday but i never would have been able to see the beauty of flight had it not been windy. i was speechless...just blown away

i wanna rock...

my last and final dentist appt will be on march 6th at 3:30 after work. all i can say besides yahooooo is they sure made alot of money off me. my ankle is swollen and i cannot get up off my ass and go wash my hands i just can't do it. i am burnt out. what a friggin day went to the dump 3 times and we also went to the goodwill 3 times and back and forth 5 times from house to apt. i cleaned out the shed by myself and just thinking bout that makes me pissy it seems i am not appreciated i swear. but i am gonna stop with that attitude right now. i am here to help my mom move and since i live with her for the past what 4 or 5 months i can help. i have scratch marks and a cut on my ankle and on my calf on the leg that isn't sprained and my fingertips are pouting from carrying the plastice twist tie garbage bags that will wrap around your finger and cut off the circulation depending on how much weight is inside them. my fingers are worn out as well hehe and it ain't from taking care of myself sexually. anyway thank god i work tomorrow it is gonna be such a treat to hear the songs i downloaded from itunes turned up to 51. i love my music. these are the ones i bought yesterday night after we got back from pullman (all of them)
sammy hagar-three lock box & your love is driving me crazy
melissa etheridge-like the way i do
go go's-we got the beat & our lips are sealed
billy idol-dancing with myself
molly hatchet-flirting with disaster
chris isaac-wicked game
ashley green-ode to billy joe
pussycat dolls-don cha
just between you and me
genie in a bottle
sean paul-get busy
ass like that
bryan adams-straight from the heart & cuts like a knife
charlie sexton-beats so lonely & impressed
because of you- kelly clarkston
crazy bitch
ted nugent-free for all
redneck woman
black betty
allison krause-down to the river to pray &when you say nothing at all
tracey chapman-one reason
johnny horton-cherokee boogie
salt n peppa- push it
juke box hero
marshall tucker band-can't you see
i hate myself for loving you

step up...

i fall down on top of my bed ...i did it that way cause i am too stiff to kneel or sit down first. . i feel like i have big bags under my eyes and like i am a million years old. every single muscle in my body is exhausted and is hating on me. i have been a busy girl. well my body has been going thru the moves at work and once off the clock i usually walk home just to have room to breathe. i feel claustrophobic i guess that is why i walk that extra mile and it frees my mind. but today was spectacular as far as maual labor goes. i feel my age and it don't look like what i see in the mirror when i am standing in front of it at the start of the day. i think that is my favorite part of the day. the getting ready part...
must have walked up those frigging stairs 60 times in the past two day. 20 steps each way always with both hands full. so full that i have to open the screen door with my foot. i am burnt out and just melancholy. i did soo much work today the dentist apt, work, wal-mart, the cable , the loading and unloading, even had papajoe's from zip's.
my mom is sleeping overnight at the house. she can barely move because of her legs being sore from those stairs. so i do all the heavy carrying and lifting or moving. it is only right. i am younger. i now have my bedroom with satellite t.v and internet serviced in my room. i don't have to go into my mom's bedroom anymore just to be close to her wireless. i finished all three of my sookie stackhouse books in the past week and have started reading the hunger games. so my mom leaves for the rest of the night after our 4th or 5th trip here and this random guy helps this last unload-i think his name was david. thanks gosh i was soo thankful i could have kisssed him but who needs a stalker at this time right? i say goodbye to my mom and i am glad to be away from her cause she can't just let me be even though i keep having a charlie horse in my left calf . a charlie horse in my left calf muscle reemeber those? they are muscle spasms that hurt like hell. she is like well since you are sitting there how about you move all those books over to that side of the room ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i lock the door and turn off most of the lights and even though we now have working tv's i grab the remote and push the off button. it is my friday and i don't have to be a house keeper tomorrow although my mom is picking me up at 6:30am to bring me back to the house to help a group of ladies from our church clean it up before the buyer moves in on friday.
did i say it is my friday? so busy in the first degree was me. i finally sneak to my room with my familiar things arounds me and even though they aren't where they will eventually be placed they are still in my vicinity. i didn't realize how bad i missed my stain glass tiffany lamp or my body pillow. i flop down on top of my bed. pull up my favorite comforter to the end of my nose and sigh before i start to cry.

sigh...

some pictures are just better in black and white. tomorrow at the apartment at 10am frank from cactus computer is gonna show up and knock on the door and then i will have internet access once again. as it is now i usually checkout my facebook frontier thing while i am at work. work work work is crazy fun. today at the mandatory meeting we were almost all there and it was actually pretty fun. bill got employee of the month again geez . everybody loves bill he is our front desk guy. i think i got 4 gotcha write-ups for coming in on your day off. all four were for the same thing hehe. my body is gonna be in shape by summer hopefully. i have started walking to and from work again..the weather permitting. this morning a squirrel scared the hell out of me !! he wouldn't let me pass and i was scared of a little baby squirrel. i am thinking it was on steroids or worse had rabies. anyway finished all my sookie stackhouse books and the library is closed because it is president's day. dammit to hell. tomorrow morning i have a dentist apt in the early morning. i always try not to be scared but it doesn't work. so i work get off walk home to the apartment and then i get picked up and go to the house and load the suv and take it to the apt over and over. yawn i am soo not smiling right now. i am beyond burnt out. my mom isn't even staying at the apartment cause she is having her last goodbye at the house she has lived in for the last ten years. i guess i can say it now since we are now gone and our new address is top secret. goodbye gambels lane hello historic downtown moscow idaho. with all this moving i caught myself doing something strange last night well not really strange more like fukin good. i found every old journal, book of shadows (i kept them all over the place and no i am not a witch it was just the dark matter in my head that a girl has when she is miserable) they read like book of shadows-summer 2008 or winter blah blah blah . i found them all and without looking inside one of them even though i know there is some masterpiece poem lost in at least in 5 of them and i boxed and bagged them up and took them to the dumpster and they are bye bye. no more reminders of cap and that misery that was us i wish him well but in all truth i don't think about him very much anymore. i know he is doing okay we both are now that we are apart. gotta get up and go go go

going going gone

i really think i am ready to attempt another date with someone who happens along. hehe

july in pullman...

i found this poem scratched out in purple crayon on the back of a piece of cardboard. i remember sitting with my old roommate in pullman washington trying to deal with the end of my relationship with cap.i remember how he would turn on this old air conditioner to drown out the sound of my voice

the sound of the air conditioner
overpowers the silence
even the screaming of my heart
twisted in agony
will not succumb
to the cool air
cold with sound

ticket please...

been pretty hectic here lately. tomorrow night we will stay over in our new place. soo far behind on getting stuff there. the washing machine died today and my mom is bummed out about it big time. geez is like she lost a child or something. front loaders are the bomb though. yes i know it is valentines day and no i am not bummed out about it. i am just glad i am not miserable any more. you know... when you are alone even though you are in a relationship or even worse engaged in battle? that was my last relationship for 5 years. i am happy happy happy. so my valentine's day plan is to hang out in my room and finish packing it up and watch invasion of the body snatchers ..hehe call me a romantic what can i say?

thief...

maybe i have outgrown writing about my pain and disappointment..? it just isn't there anymore. i must have sat it down and a thief ran off with it. i am sure if i had baggage it would have the rollaway wheels to make it possible for me to have it with me at all times. i am not as damaged as i may have thought i was. hehe i may have actually fed off it. but as i look around with bright new eyes i don't focus on the shadows like i use to. i feel soo good inside. now if i could just find that red lipgloss i would be unstoppable ...i hope it wasn't in my baggage. oh wait i have a job now duh? i can just buy a new one.

the eyes of truth..

how am i ever going to get over you...getting over me ? i move thru the day bumping into furniture that you left scattered around. knowing that i would cherish every bruise.

nail polish..

i put my hands upto my face and try to see beyond the muave coat of polish that is chipped and peeling away. like a billboard festering under the drone hot sun. a grin moves across my lips, wet as morning dew. that is as far as it gets-without my heart missing you. always missing you..

song..

music just makes me feel good. music is my friend. i was downloading songs from the itunes store on one laptop while i looked up a few on another laptop and my mom told me alison kraus and brad paisley for my last song. i finished up with jukebox hero while she found whiskey lullabye during the commercial break of whatever crime show she is watching. i watched the soldier walk in on his wife after he got back and caught her in bed with another guy and how he drank himself to death and i cried. i don't know why. least he had a reason. there are times i am sooo lost inside my sorrow and pain. it is my safe place. it has been standing soo long. i helped build it every brick i laid in place. every fuking one .i want to go home... i long with all my heart to find my place. i get soo restless at times i know it would be so easy to endanger the stronghold i have now that i must forget about where i belong and remember where i am going at this time. all that matters is my father's kingdom. you know i have a room with a killer view there. and instead of birds singing outside my window every morning it is the angels that sing glory to the king

the 5th..amendment

i would like to say that i know myself. i really would but then i would need to question a few of the choices i have made in the past...and besides that what if i caught myself in a lie?

Linea by Louis Dell'Olio

changing into the ebay sexy sales diva with this change of voice..
this is for a new with tags linea paillette trim cardigan and tank twinset, size large. the inside label reads 48% acrylic
40%cotton 10%nylon and 2%spandex and is hand wash cold-inside out. the cardigan has a paillette trim on the front placket, neck and sleeves with three hook and eye closures. the cardigan measures armpit to armpit across at approx 23 inches and the length is approx 26 1/2 inches. the tank is sleeveless and measures 21 inches across the front (armpit to armpit) and the length is approx 21 1/2 inches. this is soft and eye-catching and new new new. i do offer free shipping as well and i thank you for looking.

CAN I HAVE SOME CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES NOW PLS?

losing it..

i had just remarried and stepped outside to look at the grass that was knee high in the front yard of the house that we had bought and moved into. i was happy as i stood there basking in the warmth of the sunshine. my husband was at work for the day and i had decided to prove to him that i was good at something else besides sex. i turned and walked to the shed in the backyard to retrieve an old friend that i believed could help me out that day. yep the old lawnmower i had grown up with. i had walked up and down every yard we had lived in since my youth just to avoid the indoor chores. i knew how to work it, to lift the front wheels up just a little to even out the rev of that motor. thanks to my dad who donated to a good cause --ME.
as i pushed old faithful out to onto the front driveway to get it running two of our neighbors introduced themselves to me at that time. i was very gracious and was all aglow. i kept the formal introductions short cause i was just having an excellent day. my husband would be home for lunch and i just thought how proud he would be of me to pull up out front and see how much better our home looked. it was all ready to go and i put my foot down on it and bent over and yanked the pull start just right and i must not have let go just right cause it jerked out of my hand ..without starting. okay okay i checked the throttle and kinda giggled for the neighbors to see that i wasn't even seriously trying. but inside my head i was like ..oh motha fuk! i moved the push mower to a more flat surface and grabbed the the end of that damn thing again and pulled as straight and as fast as i could like i had done soo many times in my youth and nothing. i checked the fluids and turned away from the street and pulled again and again AND I DON'T REMEMBER LOSING IT BUT SOMEHOW I HAD. IN A FIT OF RAGE I MUST HAVE LAUNCHED IT AWAY FROM MYSELF SO I WOULDN'T HURT MY FOOT IF I SHOULD START TO KICK IT AND I WASN'T ABLE TO COMPREHEND HOW FAR GONE I WAS UNTIL A TOTAL STRANGER DRIVING BY HAD PULLED OVER AND WAS LIKE LIFTING THE LAWNMOWER PIECE OF SHIT BACK ONTO IT'S WHEELS AND WALKING BACK TOWARDS ME WITH THIS SMIRK ON HIS FACE CAUSE I WAS SOME GORGEOUS FEMALE WHO SHOULD BE INSIDE THE HOUSE MAKING BABIES. he asked me is this yours ..ha
i felt really small and nodded and he told me watch ..he yanked the cord and brrrrr started just like that. i did mow the grass but the whole time my mind was trying to figure out a way this piece of equiptment was going to go bye bye. my husband was glad and very happy to see me involved into making our new house a home but my neighbors ...hehe kept their distance from me.

poker with the guys..

tomorrow i will be hanging out with the guys ...playing poker it seems hehe. i was touched to be thought of and invited but i only know how to play strip poker. there is going to be a ten dollar buy in or something and poker chips. funny thing is i am not scared or nervous. guess i am all grown up now.

boxed up ...

while i am preparing to enter my bedroom which is totaled by the way, i had this urge to grab one of those invisible boxes off god's shelf in the garage so i can start packing my emotional debris too. wouldn't that just be cool to say yeah ..i am just gonna stick ya in here and close the lid and tape it up with strapping tape well let's make that gorilla duct tape and you are going to go bye bye til i am ready to unpack you. but seeing that i do have a little brains inside my beautiful head. i would label my emotional baggage as GOODWILL. yeah goodwill um good riddance and goodbye

mayan steps..

there is going to be a panic i know when the doomsday date gets closer to the work week. december 12, 2012 is when the mayan calendar ends. so what i am not going to do is waste (supposedly) the end of days on worrying about our destruction. i am going to live and i am going to laugh and love and try new things. i have got to get my room packed up old friend or i would stay and visit. another visit to the dentist on monday is gonna be close to $2000 when my under construction phase is over and done with. work is fun. life is kinda boring at times but it is good. i have agreed to this little white lie to soothe myself as i lie alone in the dark and it makes sense to me. it is all i need to make me believe in not having anyone special in my life. that maybe i shared the love of my life last time around and this time i will be without. well not without because i know without a shadow of a doubt that i am one of those whole people. that i am loved soo much by the one that i love soo much that i can do this. why question anything in this existence if he is waiting for me on the sideline or the next go round. you can't have true love every second of every day right? besides i am sheena or sher-a goddess of ...what was it ? oh yeah pain and suffering hehe
at least when i have my make up on

wonderland..

darkness...

i feel the trees ache to protect me. to shelter me with their limbs. an invisible face screams out a warning as the world stops in place. leaves surrender to the fall. as do the tears running down my face. i am standing in a pool of water and i can see my reflection on the face. i stop and look around. i know it is a dream. i feel like alice in wonderland.
oh lord what is up with the darkness and why is it after me? i hear the wind racing to be by my side and with her invisible fingers she is holding out her hand. i reach out for her guidance. i am not afraid anymore it is mother nature. i turn comforted by a mother's love and suddenly something has a hold of me and yanks me from her grasp. and i am falling down down into the darkness where there is no air. i feel myself trying to reach the surface...as my lungs burn up inside. my leg twitches violently. waking me up in time to scream.