minor irritation..

so mom and aunt betty are pulling a thelma and louise and are staying another night at the casino. which i don't have a problem with at all hehe. another peaceful quiet night in moscow idaho with texas chainsaw massacre cranked up loud to drown out the sound of my phone. what is wrong with me to play the "not gonna happen in your wildest dreams" card. i know i whine and bitch and moan about not being in possession of a significant other but sorry dude- the bitch in me is going to end our friendship. well i am not sorry in the least i feel sorry for him. why isn't friendship enough? it is for me..but oh yeah right i am female. damn how could i forget that this whole time? now i don't have anyone to call that has power tools and knows how to use them geez. i have known dude for years cause i use to date his roommate, so he thinks he knows me-NOT. i don't care if it was years ago and he has always wanted me.those are only words. i know it sounds petty but i have rules that i like to follow like not dating any family members or friends of any boyfriend i have ever dated.call me no fun or a prude but i like to complicate any chance of sloppy seconds

open door policy..

this morning as i was having breakfast with my mom and aunt i looked up at the right time into her eyes. cap's sister was walking by with a couple friends. we both stopped and stared, then i stood up and held out my arms and she rushed me lol !! she gushed how good i looked and i asked if their mom was still living and held my breath. yes she misses you badly, please please stop by and visit kris she would love it. then her wheelchair arrived after she hugged me and introduced me to her friends twice.  i thought she was playing as she sat down and said ..take me to the latte stand. as we finished up breakfast and i could not decide how i felt about our random encounter.i left suddenly without saying goodbye and even though it wasn't that surprising when it did happen ..i still wanted to tell the ole lady thanks for believing in me while cap was locked up for close to a year. she took me in and i will never ever forget it. especially cause no one else would. i was able to find a job once i got settled in and be part of a family that had strong ties to church. i learned alot from his mom about everything it was simply amazing !! but once he was out we slipped back to where we shouldn't have gone. you know it is easy to walk down the wrong road, especially if you know it well. it is harder to be strong and do the right thing. way harder if you know no one is paying attention to your struggle. i tasted guilt at the back of my throat when i looked her in the eye and told her to give her mom my love. then she was gone. it is only now looking back at the whole thing that i believe some more dead weight has lifted off my heart. jenny was solid solid solid and she saw how consumed i was by what i was doing. the thing about jenny is once she cares about you is she never gives up on you. she would never shut me out or insult me but she would corner me on thanksgiving in the kitchen and tell me ...what are you doing to yourself lady? you don't look like the kris i know. i would always be ashamed enough that i could not look her in the eyes and she would pat my arm and say it's my brother, you need to get away from him. yeah k hehe. i saw the hope she had for me to live my life straight and clean. i wanted to give it to her but i just wasn't ready to give it up. besides i only saw her on rare occasions. i watched her take care of the man shge loved while he battled cancer and lost.  i started to avoid her after bert had died cause i didn't know what to say or do to address the grief she was going thru- it scared me.. she  actually got to see me how i should  be and she was proud of me ! i didn't realize how far i have actually come.
here comes the second part of this whole story ..while we were waiting for valet to deliver our suv out the big glass door walks jenny with her two friends in tow. and even though i wanted to walk the other way i stayed where i was knowing if our conversation was meant to continue it would be up to her.. she walked over and was just like damn you look so good kris. stand up and turn around -wow ! we were standing inches apart and she lowered her voice and asked me if i knew. knew what? i looked her straight in the eyes and she told me they found a spot in her lung and that was awhile back and she just couldn't believe it soo soon after watching her husband battle cancer. i couldn't speak i asked her if she was okay. she looked at me with those blue eyes of hers and tilted her chin up and said the doctor said there is nothing left they can do and so i am enjoying myself as much as i can before it is time for me to go. my whole concentration was on her words but my eyes were stuck on her eyes. i cleared my throat ..and she shrugged her shoulders and said well i am getting older it was bound to happen. then it happened my eyes started to water and tears dropped started to drop out of my eyes and my nose started to run. she wrapped her arms around me and held the back of my hair and said ..don't cry kris shhh don't cry.

betseyville ..

i tried to sleep in this morning since it was my day off but i didn't really fall aslee[p until after i got up and dumped the spoiled milk down the drain hehe. cause i knew my mom would be upset by waste. but when it is time to go ...it goes. even if it means she grounds me !!am sitting here in the daylight hehe watching spiderman 2. mom is in the shower my bag is not packed for the casino . my eyebrows are not finished either. oh well i have boobies and lipgloss to make up for any imperfections. where is all the angst that use to hold my heart squeezed soo tight in it's icy cold fingers? did it tire of me and move on ?

yawning

well we are now done with the birthday cake and steak supper. my mom is happily asleep in bed-snoring. man i shopped today. i had my mom pick me up at the salvation army here in moscow cause i was looking for a kitchen table for us that is small enough to fit along the wall. we now have one that we are going to pick up tomorrow before my final dentist appt. when i got in the suv she hit me up for ten dollars to pay my share of the phone bill and then gave me one hundred and fifty dollars cash. since we were headed back across town to winnco i had to run to ross. where i bought a shirt for our trip to the casino tomorrow . and i bought a real expensive purse a betseyville. that has flourescent pink flowers on it with blue sky showing thru all the buds. hehe it sounds god awful but i saw it and before i could think my hand grabbed it and threw it in the cart. i tried to talk myself out of it 12 times but once i was standing in front of the cashier there it was. erica called and i did ask if she was staying with jasper. i wanted to ask ask ask and suggest suggest suggest . i love jasper she and erica have always been together...sigh. tomorrow we are staying the night at the casino after the creedence clearwater show. i plan on going swimming and losing some money not really sure what order that will be in just glad i will get to visit with my aunt betty cause she is going with us. i am laying down now closing my eyes and following the darkness into whatever dream is waiting for me under the shadow of the fallen tree

bubble wrap..

i have almost broke free of myself. how i use to be. i walk outside in the sunshine and i want to skip happily along like i use to do when i was a young girl. i am almost carefree. i feel light without all the dead weight i use to carry in my heart. i breathe in the day and it no longer consumes me. opportunity surrounds me . i look to the left and i look to the right,  i walk straight ahead confident that the world is ready for the likes of me.

guess what i have been doing hehe? making bacon. my lips are soo greasy with bacon fat it looks like i have clear lipgloss on. anyone wanna kiss? pucker up baby and let me clog up your heart. my mom acts like the grease left over from frying bacon is nuclear waste..NOOOO don't put it down the drain. NOOOOOO don't pour it in the trash. NO NO NO NO. i ask her so that means you don't want any right? WRONG she took half my pile and left me in charge of clean up.

forget about it ...gangsta voice

dammit one of my private entries ...forget me not showed up in my friggin email.

eclipse..

at 6:18 pm i had to be outside, looking up as the eclipse (the moon moving in front of the sun) as it happened for our location. i don't know bout anybody else but i was the only person outside walking towards the sun. yes it was overcast but you could still make it out. people disappoint me. the few other people walking downtown moscow idaho were talking or texting on their phone. no one was looking up or even talking bout it.

night right..

i am soo ready for bed. happy happy joy joy. my clothes are washed and put away. dishes are in the dishwasher. bra is on the floor. window is open and there is a nice breeze that is cooling off the heat of the past few days. ready for dreams of which i can't remember..

big d..

i can live with depression. it is quiet. it is not like anger or bitter -constanly bickering in my ear all crazy and shit.

gimme back my bullets..

moving thru all the debris that life has left in our path is simple folks..don't stop.slow down if you have to but stay the course. when things get dark and cold get up and move around or build a fire) if that is not the answer you are looking for then red hot anger is a good substitute. the only thing about the anger/rage thing is you have to keep feeding it. that will be a downfall if you are not careful. when you are not looking or paying attention your focus will change to supporting it. every single thing we see are hear or touch is not what it appears. we draw what we want from our enviroment or worse what we think we deserve. life is fatal...to the death from the first breath. are we still and time moves thru us or are we the ones moving in time? think how many different realities we are a part of..driving  down the highways and byways of life.   there are so many moments to choose from and you don't even realize it. yes keep your eyes on the road but remember the beauty that is all around us. don't give up completely and don't expect someone to come and save you from yourself. it is a possibility that there will be more than a single hand holding out their arm to help you up. but know this-it is better to have no one but yourself to witness how it is you got there in the first place. it can haunt you later knowing that someone u hold dear saw you in a bad place. i know these are just words ..but if you are really gonna hit bottom you must never cry wolf.
 howl if you need to and be crazy about if you have to, even grudge sex to reward yourself for not going there with whoever wants to help you up.flesh is flesh  you don't owe anybody anything. no excuses is easy-simply stick with the no lies policy. less complications if you pick yourself up and brush your ass off before anyone notices. you never get a second chance to make a first impression. i don't like to talk about my past it makes me feel anxious and self destructive if i know that an ex friend or lover has the juice on me. i don't worry about having to explain myself to people who don't even know me.   another thing that has done wonders as far as my attitude is making every possible effort to think positive inside my head. i don't talk shit inside my head while my face is having a total different talk. i mean you can be talking to your friend and she is asking you if she looks okay and you tell her yeah she looks good to her face but in your head this sarcastic cackle erupts into laughter and your mind thinks..yeah you look good with your fat roll and fat ass stuffed into those tight pants. you shut that inner voice down. you do it and you start thinking positive things and notice how pretty the song is that the birds are singing. you do it because when you are in the process of falling or already there and you think the world is against you it is where you will turn to for comfort and answers. you must not listen it is feeding your fears with doubt and insecurity to feed the fire of unrighteousness  that is burning inside of you. who is to say-my pain and suffering is greater than yours? don't waste your time chasing that wascaly rabbit.let that one get away!

infected...to the beat

i rolled over to start my new playlist over, it is that good. my yawns are making my eyes tear and once they roll down the terrain of my face it leaves a lingering annoyance in my foot's ability to keep bouncing to the beat of whatever song is just a blaring in my most expensive headset..what? WHAT I CAN'T HEAR YOU NOR CAN I READ LIPS !! drat if a rogue teardrop just sought refuge inside my ear canal, dammit it is going to drive me crazy. off to bed kris
 one more song pls
anyway i could not think of one more song i liked, beside tpain apple bottom jeans which just wasn't available. i love that song soo much i would have been willing to trade a sexual favor for it. so these are the ones that made it before i quit downloading or uploading for awhile.  i am infected with my newest additions knowing in time they will wear away into the skip category. so for may 15, 2012

DOWNLOADS-IPOD
party like a rock star-shop boys
you're in my heart-rod stewart
kryptonite-3 doors down
holy diver-dio
boys are back in town-busboys
should i stay or should i go-devo
you're the reason god made oklahoma
another one bites the dust-queen
stranglehold-ted nugent
zoo-scorpions
sitting on the dock of the bay-otis redding
hit the road jack-ray charles
ain't no sunshine-bill withers
no parking on the dance floor-midnight star
candyman-roy orbison
ice ice bay-vanila ice
trying to love two women-oak ridge boys
i can only imagine-mercyme
mustang sally-buddy guy
eight days a week-beatles

zoom to my room..

i walked to work this morning in the fresh sunshine- that had not reached it's melting point. the birds were singing and the flowers called to the child in me. i felt like skipping, my heart was light and carefree. everytime i approached a" crossing" the light would change and i didn't  have to stop and wait while the cars passed by. my smoke lit on the first match i struck (i have leftover cigarettes from going to the bar last week) and then i walked into the stinker station and bought two $5 scratch tickets.
i killed it. poof went the bubble i was walking within.

  and now
 i just walked back from walgreen's. on the spur of the moment i decided i needed a new itunes card. i was off to find the wizard. he got me. i had a $25 dollar card and was almost to the cashier when without asking my feet marched me over to the display and my arm grabbed the $50 card without my approval or anything !! what the hell ?

school days...

i am laying here on the couch all wired upto this contraption called a computer. my ipod is charging and in order for it to recharge my laptop has to be on. which it is cause i have my headphones plugged in and  am jamming to bruce sprinsteen i'm on fire. well you can't really jam to that song but i am sure the next tune will be a headbanger. yeah here we go crazy bitch by buckcherry..hey you crazy bitch
 i get so burnt out with my life sometimes that i can't understand it. things are finally mellow. i have been "chaos" most of my adult life. i have always lived fast. i love fast but you lose sight of the what you are aiming for if you aren't paying attention. i always use to say ..if any of the weight was lifted off my shoulders-just a little bit on one side that i would be soo off balanced that i would probably fall over. i don't like falling, even if i am good at it.
 at work it was all checkouts for everyone on staff.  all the graduates and their families packed up and drove off without a backward glance at the middle-aged housekeepers from idaho who don't pay attention to who is coming or going. i had just clocked out and was signing my key back in when this old frail lady appeared at the front desk. she had a jade earring in her hand and was telling james her address in case the other one should show up. i stopped and walked over and she told me it was a family heirloom and had great sentimental value due to the fact her husband had brought it back for his mother after he returned from his mission to hong kong and it had been passed down to her.no sooner were those words out  than she started to cry. i asked a few questions and my ride showed up. i walked outside and as soon as i opened the door to the suv mom was handing me the phone cause katie was waiting to wish me happy mother's day. we made it 4 or 5 blocks before i had mom turn around and drive me back to the motel. i heard this voice in my head ..did you do everything you could? i jumped out and grabbed one of the keys and knocked on her door and together we went out to the dumpster and we found the bag that had all the trash from her floor and she was soo excited as she grabbed a bag and said this is from my room kris. no luck. she watched me rummage thru the rest just in case.it had slipped out..nothing but garbage. she helped me bag it all back up and then i gave her my arm to help her back up. she stopped 2 or 3 times as we walked back to her room just to throw her arms around me and thank me. funny thing is i felt my nanny's presence beside us as we searched and it has been a long time since i have done anything worthy enough to be graced by my favorite  maternal granny i was the one who should be thanking her. i felt my nanny smiling at me from behind this stranger's eyes

victoria's secret

sometimes my feel good is from an unexpected source, like my little sister who is one of the vice president's at victoria's secret. she has come a long way from troy idaho as far as the real world goes. she graduated from college in tennesee and went straight into designing clothes. and being lisa she rose straight to the top. she told me to pick out some clothes from their catalog her treat. wish i get get some of the big boobs that hold the bras in place. thanks sis it feels like christmas

younger days

THINGS I MISS FROM YOUTH

my waterbed
the power a note from a parent.. had
my aunt betty's huckleberry pie
a shirley temple
slip and slide
wonderful world of disney
the fonz
roll call in home room
youth program at my church
catching fireflies
itching misquito bites
cola slurpee
roasting marshmallows on a stick over a campfire
watching my sister ice skate
rollerskating
my hula teacher
my nanny always believing in me
picking huckleberries
swimming
flying kites
ice cubes and bubble gum
jumping rope
drive in movies
designated bed time
time outs for temper tantrums
my mom telling me everything is going to be fine (believing her 100%)
my dad telling me to quit upsetting my mom
jumping on the bed
skipping along
big wheel
swim team
cotton candy
shooting buckshot from a rifle
my sister julie's laughter
blowing bubbles
faith

merit badge award..

sometimes a girl just has to tell herself..thank you for being you !! for keeping your thoughts simply non judgemental when it comes to yourself or others. for trying to be helpful and listening to those around you. for going to bed when you are tired and cleaning up after yourself. for not giving up on the world just because a few nameless faces broke your heart. for laughing when you could have cried. for getting back up when you could have stayed down. for doing the best that you can. for being on time to work every morning. for plucking your eyebrows before they go astray. for thanking God everyday. for appreciating the bird's early morning song. for reading a book instead of sitting in the bar.  for crying alone in the dark is who you are ..

the tape measure..

ahh the joys of ebay don't really tickle my imagination like they use to. it has become ingrained into my dna which is good. i just can't stand the tape measure which is always wrapped around my neck like a snake. hehe maybe a snake wouldn't be the best example. graduation weekend for washington state university is here so is bloomsday in spokane. i am soo lucky to have two days off. tonight they are having a free movie night at this theatre i didn't even know existed close to where i live at 7pm. i am gonna try to go alone by myself just me to prove that i am not ashamed or embarrassed to be single. besides how many years has it been since i have seen raider' s of the lost ark. the moon will be superclose to the earth tonight and more bright. i think it sounds magical i will be sure that i am walking in the moonlight. ebay ebay

java jest..

i have the toughest time getting to sleep whenever i let my mom have my bed and sleep on the couch. i feel like i have this rat's nest in the back of my head from tossing and turning my head every which way in attempting to make myself comfortable. so mom is still sleeping at 10:44 am and i say good for her. my coffee is mocking me now-i can never get it right. i wish they had a scoop or something that had specific instructions instead of instructions you need a calculator to figure out the coffee/water ratio. i made it too weak. tomorrow i will make it too strong. and so on and so on. guess i could have real problems that would make everrthing seem ridiculous so i will keep my java jest facing me with a poker face in place ..oh with my red hot sexy lipgloss of a smile just teasing  my beautiful face ahh back to my steamy romance novel-viking heat, for my feel good

the 2nd of may 2012

the pensacola package has left the building..finally got the eagle sculpture headed to it's new home. carrie or caren or something like that will be soo pleased. i am now typing away on my laptop which i got out of moscow pawn. it was soo cool that i am doing an extra post about it. i would say i spent some money today but not like the damage i could have done with out this happening to me. i soo have a smile on my face and a warm fuzzy feeling where my heart is..when i had my money in hand i was waiting for my mom at rosaur's to get her money order. i was going to go out and wait in the suv but i told myself you haven't bought a scratch ticket in a long time. i have a problem with the $5.00 scratch tickets especially the beehive bingo ones. when i marched over to the machine that housed all the scratch tickets ever made, i had to turn back around and wait in line to get change for a twenty or i would not get change back. that simple fact would have stopped me any other day. but not today . i tried the five dollar money maker cause it wasn't the beehive one and i got out to the truck and yes i was grunting in self righteous what the hell were you thinking girl..when the last number hit at $25 and then i looked closer and there was a 5X icon right before it. yahoo. so that did help even out the amount of money that i still have in my wallet at this time. i still need to buy katie her 22nd bday present though. i did buy more make-up. I LOOOOVE MAKEUP. ate at mongollian barbecue with my mommy dearest it was soo good yum. and i did buy a pair of bling bling jeans that cost more than how old i am. it is my friday night as i am off the next two days and what important things am i doing ? um i just finished watching buck on netflix, the horse whisperer buck and am sure my next choice will be something useless and of no good. until tomorrow when there will be enough light to take pictures for ebay. and tomorrow i am putting makeup on this clean slate of a face lol

snow in the morning

there was snow falling from the sky when i stumbled into the living room and looked out the window this morning. for a second i forgot it is the beginning of summer. but the day has not been too bad. the sun was shining eventually. got off work about one and am sitting here waiting for my mom to get out of the shower. we have got to go mail out the ebay purchases and then hit safeway so i can purchase 5 cases of pop. geez mom i swear she loves diet coke and the world just doesn't seem to go right if she doesn't have it. i promised her i would take us out to eat at mongollian barbecue and my stomach is growling as i impatiently wait. went to the library yesterday and borrowed poems of jesus christ and the god i never knew (how real friendship with the holy spirit can change your life) hehe and then a few vampire romance novels to even everything out. yesterday after work i was floored with a headache from hell and my knees and ankles felt swollen and stiff. i complained about it til i got home and laid down. i wanted to tell me ..shut up ! but i slept til this morning with no supper. after the breakfast burrito from mcdonald's in my stomach my whole attitude changed. nothing really going on with me-GETTING CLOSE TO A YEAR WITH NO BOYFRIEND OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER why did i capitalize that ? it is really not that big of a deal is it? i am just not going to be with someone so that i am not alone. i can't do that to myself. i feel like maybe i will be rewarded by holding out haha. anyway i have never been single this long. but i have been unhappy in a relationship this long that is for sure. it just seems like at my age everybody is in love with someone else or in love with themselves. ebay will be up and running fully if i have to spend my next two days off sitting in front of this damn computer.