post pms survival..

no one said it had to be easy but i guess if you look good in the midst of being a bitch things are a little easier to swallow. i cannot wait for menopause to find me and swing me around and around and free me from my self. got my brand new lap top today and is charging as we speak but it seems like it could be a hassle to program. oh well we will see i guess it all depends on how hard you try. work sucks and life sucks so i am gonna go lay down and turn my electric blanket up to atomic and hope i fry. i am cold and the world here is blustery and rainy and i have no one to tuck me in and kiss me on the forehead like you use to do ...and turn off the light before you walk out the door.

already broken..

i thought once you had a broken heart that was it but it seems whenever the quiet finds me it feeds me immortal strife and intentional pain. i have been having these conversations with my eyes lately it doesn't matter where we are at all and it is always the same...no no don't do it but my tears always fall. i don't feel so good some of the time. i feel my heart scream out your name...like it is being held prisoner inside of me. hoping you are going to come save it- is that fukin funny or what?

the stroll...

i gotta have the stress just to survive. i use to say to myself anytime something was resolved in my life...okay steady steady girl cause there is so much weight i carry on my shoulders that if any was removed i would topple on over cause i would be soo off balance but anymore i don't give a shit about anything just sleep. i walk the two miles home from work without stopping so i can go in my room and shut the door. i turn off the light and i turn off the tv and i lay down on my favorite pillow and pull my cotton comforter up over my shoulder to the end of my nose. i breathe into the the covers and try not to cry or ask why ..the whole world is noisy and loud and it is cold. and the wind finds you and chills you to the core and i look around and i see not one familiar face not one anymore. it use to be you could see polite or even nice inside the store. i don't know what i am thinking or what i want. i don't know how to find it if i did. my heart is somewhere out there lost in the crowd tucked in his back pocket as he walks along with her...

without you...

how can i look up into the face of the moon and forget all about you ? how can i just shrug my shoulders and toss my hair and forget about you ? how can i believe when i cannot feel it with my hands ? how can i swim if i can't find you ? how can i forget where i'm from if you are not here? how can i learn without a teacher ? how can i be soo full of emotion and running on empty ? how can i find you in my dreams if you are not beside me ? how can i look for you if i can't even recognize my own face ? who will hold me if not you ? where are you ?

a little bit of shine..

i felt love
stalking me today

hiding in
the warmth of the sunshine

gently kissing the shadow
obscuring my face

wow...

I had the most entertaining night of my life in a long long time with my co-worker's at the super 8. i cannot believe it. but it is true. i said i wasn't going to bowl and i got suckered into standing in line to get my bowling shoes like everyone else. of course i went to the bar and left with two beers and a double shot of jeiger before i even put my ugly shoes on. i was pouting big time when Bill and Ray were like looking at me okay girlfriend you are up. i had a panic attack of course but i finished my jeiger and grabbed the ball. everyone was watching as i sucked in my fat roll and walked up to the line. i paced myself up to the release line (is that what you call it ?) and released the ball and STRIKE. I kid you not. that gave me a sense of false bravado briefly cause it was all down hill from there hehe. out of the three of us who showed up late i came in third with a 72. i will never do that to myself again. anyway after another beer or two and a slice of pizza it was time for the gift exchange and i was number one. i picked the biggest gift bag of course with everyone watching and pull out this box and it is edible underwear...oh yeah.
but the number 2 pick was the front desk clerk nicki and she came right up to me and grabbed my gift before i had time to think. i left with banana nut bread mix. i blushed when we were leaving and everybody was laughing as we walked out the door saying you should have seen the look on your face..it was priceless.

x-mas attire...

happy joy joy-this is the winner to the christmas bowling party for work

promised myself gonna get something done today and not be lazy just cause it is my day off. i am done reading about the mad arab-done. still have time to pick out an outfit before the christmas party at work gets started at 4pm. i do not bowl and i refuse to embarrass my self but i am going to hang out with my co-workers anyway. i need to figure out something that will make bowling impossible like a mini skirt or something like a cast on my arm or a sling yeah that is more like it. i know i am smarter than the average bear. maybe i am stuck in middle ground and that is why i have been feeling so stir crazy laately, who knows ? there is no snow on the ground that has stayed around to make a snowman so i am thinking what the fuk ! But maybe it is for a reason ...damn i need to start finding the good in things. There is no snow because my daughter will not show for christmas if she has to drive in it duhhh. other times i just got to ask myself (since i am single now ) what the hell is wrong you most beautiful thing...what? as long as i am not looking in the mirror at myself i feel pretty. cum on people get with the program

I feel sometimes i am trapped between two worlds and each time i find my footing in one world something from the other world will tempt me and i will succumb. Case in point I AM ON THE CUSP...my date of birth- october 23, 1966.i am half indian and half white. i am good and evil( bad sounds better than evil) i am good and bad. i am not into writing at this time so i am gonna be like trailing off cause i like the sound of my voice singing hallelujah ..and i have not even began to drink oh baby oh

lady of the lake..

i am in my forgotten place
floating on my back
the opspreys
are above me
gliding on the air
all at once the water
stills me
of this i am aware

night-lite...

there is something about walking in the cold mountain air
with the stars sparkling so bright

and it is the stars that free you- not the lord

with their golden fingers they grab the sky
and hold it down

so the blackness can guide you
as you struggle on

night awaits

so move along

robotic malfunction...

i already know the picture i put with the post does not match. but what can i say i like the feathers they tickle my funny bone. had a decent weekend pretty much-hell yeah it was good. went and saw sherlock holmes with my friend cause i swore i honestly thought girl with the dragon tattoo was playing so we stood in the crazy line with all the other college idiots and got to the window and after waiting that long and having people behind us i think we both felt that we had to buy tickets anyway-just cause. so we went out for coffee and a bite which tasted even better than the show when all was said and done. did not get home til almost 1 am and had to be at work at 7 to man the breakfast bar again because it is such easy money those two hours before my shift in house keeping starts. i am always happy to be anywhere if it means i could possibly rub shoulders with my future ex-husband and oh did i mention the chocolate muffins and free coffee ?
it was like wow i rolled out of bed the next morning and didn't even attempt to shower cause i had decided on 4 more minutes of sleep when my mom had tried to wake me. hehehe i hate when i do that to myself. anyway i show up and it is chaos CHAOS!! i go straight for the coffee like a lover and i am just getting ready to warm my little self up when this small lady calmly walks up beside me and takes my cup out of my hand stating.." u know you should not ever drink hot products out of a styrofoam cup dearie(yes she called me dearie) because the heat will draw out the petroleum from the styrofoam and the cancer will get you". i just watched my cup disappear and almost started throwing a tantrum because you don't take my coffee before i have had my daily intake of cancer causing petroleum intake..i mean how am i suppose to die if not by cancer. i started doing those breathing exercises you know the ones they make you do when you are having contractions ? i turned to look at the clock and i saw a pack of kids walk by the door and then i looked around the room and i realized oh fuk we are surrounded by them. and they are happy and hungry and friendly and alive like the cold is outside and then i really wanted my coffee. when i was able to focus again it was cause nice lady guest was putting a plastic cardboard cup of coffee in my hand that she had doctored with hot chocolate and i thought bless her soul. that is when it started to get crazy...excuse me miss the cocoa puffs seem to be empty from the container and things like is it okay if i make me a vanilla coffee my mom let's me have one every morning at home ? and i was like looking at this child who was a boy nerd and i was like but you are not at home and i started getting this unease that crept along my shoulders and i seriously thought all of these kids were speed freaks cause i just assumed that they had been into the adult morning beverage before i got there instead of just being youthful vitality. they were everywhere like snowflakes and i tried to not be pissy but in charge of my beat. i looked at a new face that seemed immune to the madness of the chaos and i approached him and simply asked bravely ..what's going on? he told me at the university of idaho they were holding a robotic competition for 10 to 14 year olds and i looked at the nerd kids again and thought coool!

universal words...

EVERYBODY WANTS TO GO TO HEAVEN BUT NOBODY WANTS TO DIE

no butts about it...

a little christmas spirit goes along way especially if there is no snow on the ground here in idaho. so let me see something to warm me up on this cold night besides a man or cup of coffee. okay i know -in my younger days when i had not realized that i was invincible and beautiful to boot, it seems i put myself in the position where i was next in line to learn a lesson about life. so here goes .. before dhl bought out airborne express my days as a courier on route four 4 were fast and furious. i loved my people and i enjoyed my arrivial in whatever business i showed up at on a daily basis. one thing about my beat that was two fold was the whole courthouse/jail thing. criminals and cops these are not a few of my favorite things but all the folks in between like the secretary's and such just fed me feel good and i ate it up. in my haste to make up time because at certain stops i would linger longer than was necessary just to talk with um say the metaphysical staff at wonders of the world or the arena to drop off hockey sticks for the chiefs. for probably six months i would have my bucket and arms full of packages and walk from the state health department upto the courthouse just because i was in the midst of a good hair day. besides it just feels good when you know people are waiting for you to show up with something they want. i use to stroll past this spa everyday but the windows kinda were shaded for privacy so i never focused on what was behind that facade. one fine summer day i felt the glass in the window actually move and talk to me cause a man with long black hair was pounding on it with his fist. at first i thought earthquake. i kept walking of course trying to make sure my priorities were on time. the next week i started to notice him a little more as he became bolder and bolder. long dark black hair with tight jeans and aarogant attitude on his fake bake face which means he hit the tanning bed. he tried to hand me a business card one day on my way back to my delivery van-well he tried to put it in my back pocket cause my arms were full and he knew as soon as he touched me i was a bitch ! so he tried a different tactic he tried to seduce me with paul mitchell products and almost won- well my attention briefly. i just noticed him inside the door at the courthouse while i was getting ready to hit the metal detector and openly flirting with help that i will admit. i must have zoned him out like i do most of the people at the courthouse cause alot of them are undesirables so you don't really make small talk with them . some of them anyway you learn as time goes on. i felt someone pull my hair and he said oooooooohhhhhhhh crazy split ends and of course being female i grabbed my locks and turned around to see and there he is handing me two huge bottles of paul mitchell ..and he says shampoo and conditioner . fuk dude it is like your had me at split end. hehe. he tells me that he has been trying to get me in his shop to get his hands in my mane and with that kind of talk he had my attention- like how he purred "mane" like a tiger. i accepted his gift and said i don't associate with the help and that i could pay a little now and maybe work something out cause i knew in my heart those bottles of paul were all ineeded to get my crazy boyfriend back in my life. so i told him i didn't want him to get caught and lose his job because of how much each bottle was worth. hell the conditioner alone had a $38 tag on it and this was close to ten years ago. he just laughed and said who said i am the lowly help i own the shop and the spa and all of it come in and see and we will work it out but if you can't afford it now that's okay too just come in and let me trim those ends cause it is driving me nuts to see such a beautiful girl with damaged hair. may i just cut in here and say -HOOK, LINE AND SINKER baby i fell for it cause i am soo vain i guess. it was later in the week and i was so busy too busy to stop in and even say thank you but he would still wait for me out the window i could not see into and stick his head out after i passed by trying all different tactics to turn me around so we could talk. i started to feel bad cause after all he was trying to help me feel good about myself right? excuse me one more second ...HAHAHA. this is where the story now takes us after days turn into weeks the smart man has decided to call in a pickup on my route and i do my job well. but i walk in and he starts showing me around explaining calmly see all the stylists have craftsman toolboxes cool huh ? i start getting into hurry the fuck up mode-and he hands me a box and walks me to the front door but when we get there suddenly he leans past me and locks the deadbolt on the door. it is like 1 pm downtown spokane and i can't even begin to grasp his motive because i never paid attetntion to the warning signs. i thought or assumed he was cool because he rode a harley and had his own business but little did i know people hide behind whatever it takes to draw the attention away from what they really are to what they want to appear to be. i ask in my most annoyed voice are you kidding me we were locked in here the whole time that is why nobody is here inside with us and i am still thinking like he was unlocking the door and he has a spray bottle and sprays the front of my shirt and tries to blot right over my boobie. that is when things change cause i still hadn't let the fear catch up with me cause i was running so far behind on my daily pickup. i tell him what are you doing in a crazy incredulous voice while rolling my eyes and right then he knew i wasn't into it and he was so bothered by that fact that it angered him i guess and so he decided to insult me by asking very bluntly asking me ..."hey most beautiful girl (i use to tell the guys on my beat that when they asked for my name) anyway back to the question he says..you wanna answer me this one thing most beautiful girl and i said what's that as i started to turn and walk out the door. " i can tell by the way you walk that you like it up the ass right?" it did not even register what he said before i had turned back around real calm and punched him in the face as hard as i could and walked out the door.

the weaker sex...

there i said it ...the weaker sex mmhhh i am thinking must not be female. in fact i know that for a god honest fact and how do i know ..the wind told me. if god worked his way up by creating the insects then the four legged animals and so on and so on until he came to man then there appears to be a hierarchy so can i just stop at this point or what. i have to say it so here goes-the final creation even if woman was made from the rib of adam was definetly female. basically it seems from my point of view that things were created in order of their importance hehe. don't even think to pick up any stones on that one cause i have access to firepower now and if that doesn't work i can work it heheh. being female in a man's world is a typical male response. but we all have to remember one thing-it takes two to make three. i try to remember how lucky i really am when i start to look around at what everyone else has and i question my place in the grand scheme of things. because there is something that will always draw me back to this life if you believe in reincarnation and that is the chance to be a mother. the whole world can be against you indeed life is fatal but i would die a thousand times for the few moments i cherish more than death and that is something that is selfish and needy but it is all i have ..to feel life inside your womb and be a part of the miracle of birth is unlike any drug or any high or any death or anything that life can be is nothing compared to that. i mean we are just a vessel really cause once your children are born they eventually fly away into the sunset after some dream we can't see because all we see is them leaving and it breaks our hearts. they don't really belong to us but that wonder of the whole thing feeds the thirst of existence at least for me

cassidy's christmas program

balance..

the sky was overcast and gloomy..in fact you could see the cold if you looked hard enough out the car window. if that wasn't enough to figure out the cold dark truth that he wasn't going to show after all is said and done then so be it i told myself. carlos castaneda found the coyote with don juans help or maybe it was the peyote mmhhh and i could listen to my instincts this one time for my own good-maybe.
what a wonderful day me and my mother had wandering round my old place of heartache. it seems the city where i had found and lost my love still had a hold on my senses like reins. sonnenberg is the meat market that anyone who lives in spokane shops at for meat unless you are looking for the meat on sprague hehe. okay i will stop with the hooker jokes but both are in the heart of many a male as sonnenbergs sits right smack on sprague so it is two fold when you think of meat market.
sees candy was sweet what else is there to say about the candy shop but the best time i had was at the elementary school on the south hill
i felt like a little girl once i was inside out of the cold and wandering to waste time. the bathroom had stall doors and the sinks and toilets were low enough it seemed to reach my knees i felt like i was in a doll house. my daughter was perfect and i waited for him and looked and finally gave up but when we walked inside the gym i heard KRIS over hear !! fuk i breathe out a sigh of relief cause the reinforcements (her dad and brother) were already ahead of us. i wonder it that makes us the re inforcements for showing up after? i did run into a couple people from the past at fred meyer and at the presentation. i thought oh man here we go when i ran into this chic i have kicked out of my house by force many times before for being drunk- leslie with her six kids. i guess i could change her name to protect her identity but who reads this anyway ? not me, not you, not santa. as soon as she saw me i stood up and said her name but it wasn't like last time when she ran out my door with me almost chasing her down the street. i am different now and i pick my battles but no one walks over me and so she actually left early for some reason :) anyway can't think of anything to blog about that will be full of wisdom because i have to get the tree out or better yet dig it out of the pile of debris in the garage which means moving things around to move this here to move that ..blah blah blah let's just call it the shuffle and i am wrapping presents. i did a cartwheel well my heart did when katie and antone walked in the gym a little late which was okay cause she just got off work. and having a job and employment goes along way with me. my daughter and her family are coming down here to spend christmas with me cause mom is leaving in about a week for 10 days. i would be just fine cause really it is just another day and i could get over being here alone on christmas day if it meant i could walk around in my boxers with my boobies free. i miss that walking to the bathroom in the morning topless is that weird ? no it is just a symptom of being a topless dancer all those years ago kris

i am in the process of talking about the get er done things on my list and we all know actions speak louder than words huih

free ride..

i probably should not even mention what happened yesterday morning at work. i was in the front office talking and laughing with the front desk clerk, who i absolutely adore and i have been there at least an hour and i am looking for my ziploc bag of cookies and once i find them my eyes focus on this black scarf and something that looks vaguely familiar and i don't want to appear like i am touching anything that doesn't belong to me so i ask ...hey what's this ? Bill picks it up and tries to put it on his head and tells me someone brought it in-they found it out front. i look and i look closer and my hand goes up to my heart in a panic and he says why ? and then are you okay kris ? i feel this bolt of horror hiding in the arms of laughter fighting to exit my mouth so i just turn and walk out of the office without saying a word. they were my brand new boxer/underwear that i just bought at ross and fuk i knew i should have bought dryer sheets cause i know they were along for the free ride and must have fallen off once it was time to work. dammnn

technical difficulty..

(this was a draft i wrote this morning fresh out of the shower while it was still dark)

early in the morning is how i am going to call this one, because early in the morning sounds less criminal than late late at night right ? it sounds more pre-prepared and organized for what is coming...and what is coming is hiding just outside my door. i can sense it and i haven't even had my first cup of coffee yet. so my senses are down so to speak but my imagination is wide awake. what the hell is going on ? fuk me i need a scout or something to watch my back from what is hiding inn the last remaining shadow of darkness. that much i can comprehend..beware beware miwokdreamer. i cringe away from the window out of habit without turning on the light, why? it stalks me even though i got rid of that red juicy lipgloss and i can't understand it. i feel like a soldier hiding out in the hills of the enemy. it will find me this counting coup thing that i don't want to play anymore. the wind feeds my dread and pushes me into the day against my will. i sigh loudly and reluctantly prepare to surrender. walking out with my hands in the air and a white flag tied around my neck. and only the trees applaud as i take my miss america stroll thru lookout lane. the dead end cul-de-sac makes me dizzy so much so- that i am distracted for a second and of course that is all it takes for me to forget what lies ahead in my haste to get ready to walk to work. all at once every hair on my neck is standing at attention and i know there is no use in denying what just happened. TAG I AM IT. the sunlight was able to touch me as it moved across the room and I JUST HATE BEING IT

snowman..

have close to a 150 listings going on ebay right now and now i have problems getting off youtube. i think for christmas i want an ipod more than i want those black leather boots just so i can have a little groove in my grasp. anyway if i am not on youtube watching people do the robot dance or singing ..you are the reason god made oklahoma (iknow i know cause i like dio and disturbed and 3 doors down etc) than i am on king games trying to get enough frigging stars to change my avatar well to upgrade my avatar. fuk i mean hello you have to have won soo many points to be able to unlock
features that make up you. i feel like mrs. potato head or something and i can't sleep at night when i start thinking about it ..so i have started playing every game that a 3 year could win only thing about that is .. i am not a 3 year old and they are so easy i cannot seem to figure them out. i am a carnival shootout freakie kinda girl who sings gimme back my bullets while i reload ..
anyway back to my seductive salesperson voice in that fake ..have i got a deal for you ladies !!

hello this is for a quacker factory fiber optic (tunic) holiday sweater, size large. the inside label reads BODY 55% ramie and 45% cotton. TRIM is 90% polyester and 10% nylon and the lining is 100% polyester and is hand wash cold-remember to take out the battery pack first. armpit to armpit is approx 23 inches across and the length is approx 26 inches. this sweater has a jewel neckline, long sleeves, fully fashioned armholes and side slits and did i mention it lights you up like a christmas tree ? there is a little pocket that hides the magic switch. this sweater has never been worn and comes with 3 button cell batteries to ensure you light up every christmas. every bead, stitch and sequin is perfect and ready to show you off for the holiday !! i do offer free shipping and i thank you for looking

christmas dinner...

i know that i cannot write a single sentence or blog if i don't have a picture to share with. and everyday i just scroll and scroll through my choices and it is like damn i end up on this old thing.. but my daughter just looks so beautiful and nice and sweet and if i remember right she was driving me looney playing i dropped my dolly in the dirt...i asked my dolly if it hurt-over and over again. so that was the day i taught her scales- every octave starting with c. anyway tuesday we will be in spokane for her christmas choir special where she goes to school. she is soo beautiful and she is going to be playing the violin as well. i have been trying to get in touch with my other daughter katie to make christmas plans but i am thinking i am just gonna hang out here especially with my mom gone for over a week.. with work the last thing i would need NOT TO HAPPEN is to get stuck in spokane because of the snowy roads. the house isn't going to close til a couple days before christmas so the money i lent my mom isn't going to be in my hand to have all my shopping done anyway. but that is okay cause the majority of it is finished. tonight after i walked home from work my legs, well my right arch started to ache. i wear those work out exercise sketchers that i bought with my first paycheck and i have been walking to and from work just for exercise cause i have to stay in shape but it is going to be too slickery to make the trek in the morning before too long. have to be in at 7 am to man the breakfast bar again. that is always so good for my ego thanks to the construction crews. anyway went to the christmas dinner and program at the church on joseph tonight. we brought scalloped potatos and actually it wasn't too bad. there was probably 300 of us and 400 children hehe no i like children i think..i forget do i like those critters or not ?

breakfast bonus..

since it is officially the winter graduation commencement ceremonies for both washington state university and university of idaho you can bet your bottom dollar that this town is full with people.. bursting at the seams in fact. i was at work a little after 6 am to staff the breakfast bar where i housekeep to make sure the paying guests were not in want.. hehehe but something happened in the midst of making sure the coffee was brewing and the donuts were in place it seems i got my groove back a little more than it was and you know what..it tastes good :) mmhhh mmhhh good
at about 6 40 am all the construction and a contractor or two were all downstairs in my lair for a meeting. these guys are here during the week and even though i don't really know what they look like i clean and make their beds everyday. i was overjoyed at the chance to umm help out with their morning mojo. and i being myself with beauty and legendary charm (when i try i have charm) actually was the one who stole the show and yes i think they loved me. about 9 or 10 of them watched me as i stood and listened to the old guy explain patiently how to make sure the cups are stocked in the dispenser. i was like...i'm just the housekeeper steve and rolled my eyes and started twirling a strand of my hair in my fingers while i did the lower leg twist thing..they got it but poor steve..anyway i am standing there yawning and all the chairs are taken cause they are having a meeting of the minds and the GUY stood up and approached me with his styrofoam cup in tow and i thought to myself- dude do i look ready to actually pour you a cup of coffee ? but he stopped in front of the juice machine & when he saw my gorgeous smile..he was suddenly shy. and for some reason that when their is an audience and someone is shy that just feeds the alpha in me i told him when he looked up ...uh dude this is my nook now and there is a one cup limit! well at least til i figure out how to brew some more that is. he blushed purple and i giggled ..yeah giggled damn me. there was complete silence and everyone started laughing cause he might have been the head boss guy. i guess i had him but when he sat down- he turned to me and said ...god you act like we are married or something ! then i blushed purple and everyone started laughing.

damage control...

last week i posted something about being in ONE of those relationships...and even though i will never hide behind a nametag or label that reads...hello my name is battered spouse. fuk that !! that don't look good on me i have so outgrown that period in my life that i could look at it from a different perspective. life these days moves fast. he's got kids and she has kids..and they have kids together. i blog because i need to be able to see over my shoulder without walking into a solid brick wall. yeah while i was participating in that whole lifestyle thing it was raw jagged emotion of the worst kind. i think that once you reach a certain point in your travels that you realize that we all pick our battles just like we pick our pain and what is going to shape us in the future scheme. i can't be broken at this time from the damage that has occurred at his hands. it was a love ending story that was over before it started only thing was it felt soo right. i could not see any of the warning signs until i had his baby growing inside me and hell i loved the man. i know how to bend and i know how to get up. i know how to stand in the corner and hold my hands tightly at my sides not daring to wipe the spittle off my face because of the trigger it will blow. i am just going to say it to myself ..yes kris you are damaged but not as bad as i could be. it is almost like all those years there was a presence beside me ..taking my hand and just holding it when i was bloody on the floor. even though the terror was more often than not my java jolt of jump start it flooded my body with adreneline. if my body was a SS Chevy Nova (1966) and i had a bottle of nitrous to power me up..it would still be too rich for my extended outlook. but for my fight or flight response it was all i had. so being truthful now i don't want to talk to a counselor and bottom line is fuck talking about the minute details when that just gives someone leverage over me to go oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh. the only thing that i can talk about as far as damage control is how i tried to explain these repressed emotions of the violent kind that no longer have the label of it's existence. there was too many that i filed in that forgotten cabinet in the back room of my inner self. well once in a while the door will open or something and one will float to the top just like a helium balloon and pop flooding me with intense negative emotion no matter where i am in my life and to top it off it just about cripples me. how do you explain a mood change like that to someone? i use to soothe myself by scratching the inside of my arms to give my pain a release..

booby-trap...

what ..did someone say boobie ? OMG i wanna see ..

behind door 314 there sat an old lady, all by her lonesome self only rising to go stand by the door everytime she heard voices or footsteps close by. she was out of her enviroment and blam there i was knocking on every door but the one she was behind. thanks to the do not disturb sign her son had placed on the door to guard her from the world i guess. poor old woman was almost shaking in agitation. i had four rooms on the third floor scattered right in the middle of the madness was her stay. everytime i would do my job for a stayover...which is to knock and say housekeeping before i open the door and make beds etc. she would open her door everytime regardless of where i was up the hall or down the hall. maybe it was the knocking or maybe it was my singing ..i swear i was a country singer for most of the afternoon. my song of choice was..you're the reason god made oklahoma and i'm still missing you. here the city lights out shine the moon i was just now thinking of you ...

baby jesus...

mom and i are almost ready to walk out the door the church of jesus christ of latter day saints is putting on a program called nativities around the world. the invitation reads as follows ..families and friends are invited to a community nativity display. the unique collection of over 400 nativities from around the world are crafted from native materials representing each cultures interpretation of the birth of christ.this enjoyable family experience will have activities for the whole family and remind us all of the importance of having a christ centered christmas. we are on our way

my listing groove...

lunch time finds me ready to list brother bear on the ebay frontier..getting ready to head out cause is payday at my other job .i have my new denim & co shirt on my mother makes me pay cash just like everyone else sigh...and here i thought i was special. anyway what's worse than a girl with a camera? i know another picture heheh

precious.....

i am screeching "how precious" in my gollum voice you remember the one from lord of the rings why? sometime in the last few days i have misplaced my glasses and since i am half blind without them i have had no other choice but to wear the magnified sunglass viewer to be able to see the keys on the keyboard. the news is blaring details of a shark attack on the oregon coast and it gives me the shivers cause evil resides in every ocean. gimme a backwood country river with milfoil to wrap around you like seaweed and it is practically the same thing. ahhh am perky and perky just doesn't look good on me..maybe i will put my hair back in a ponytail and sabotage the perk right off myself. wish me luck i say to..myself cause who else is there to disagree with me.. am really seriously thinking of a date just so i can roll my eyes and say to some guy the same words i end up saying to all of them...i bet you say that to all the girls!

my teddyman,,,

i refuse to end the night with that dark dreary post so i am putting up the perfect stuffed toy for say a girl like me..one side is a man and then head change ..nothing up my sleeves abra ca dabra presto we have brother bear and this girl is hitting the sack. my pillow softens my fall into dreamland.

collateral damage...

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the face...

this is my daughter's man antone he is cool as heck cause ladies isn't soo kinda wonderful when the new people that are headed into your immediate family listen and respect you ...for no other reason that they want to marry your daughter hehe. anyway last week i was feeling a little bit country sitting here in bum fuck egypt idaho with nothing to do but watch the pile of leaves growing higher in front of the shed because the shed seems to catch everything the wind is blowing before it disappears off the top of this mountain we live upon. so i am on the facebook frontier and on a whim i try to think of a country in the world and find one person from that country to send a friend request to sounds harmless pretty much right ? but too make matters worse to waste more of my time which is precious i also leave a message like this ...hello so and so my name is kris from idaho i hope i am not invading your privacy by asking you could use a new pal on the facebook frontier..i hit maybe 8 or 9 faces and got an ola kris and maybe 5 back as yes . but facebook also sent me a notice that they are going to suspend my friend request finder privlege because i requested from someone who had a problem with that and if i would cancel all my requests (which were few at this point) i would not lose my privlege.. can you laugh out loud with he now please folks hahahahaha
so anyone out there need a new pal on the facebook frontier? SPARROW SPARROW SPARROW i can't find your just leave me a message link so look me up ..kris caraker and i will friend you ! and i am soo saying the i will friend you in the same voice that was used in last of the mochicans when cora was told...by daniel day lewis i will find you

tasking...

it is actually soo sunshiney and beautiful as i look out the window this morning. but looks can be deceiving can't they ? i stepped out the door to help my mom empty out her suv so she can go pick up a couple of the women from our ward. they are headed for spokane to the temple that moroni stands atop of ...anyway my boss melanie showed up briefly yesterday after a week off from work because she was sick and as soon as she heard me upstairs she was like shaking her head telling me it sounds like what she has and she insisted that i go home and take off a few days cause if i can catch it before it gets out of control it ain't gonna put me in the hospital. i can deal with that, especially since my mom has got to borrow most of my paycheck heheh..
yesterday was the first time i called and got a ride cause it was my aunt betty's birthday. i had bought her a bamboo plant- a real one- the last time we were at wal-mart and anyway we had cake and candles and gifts in tow and headed for potlatch idaho, to sing happy birthday. it was fun except for my pesky cold of course.
ebay is having a list 5,000 things free today for 1,3 or 5 days and :( of course since i am in charge of the listings most of my day off will be on the computer. we have 111 things ending today and since all of our are 7 day listings you have to change each one which takes a little more time.. so the happy snowman blue sweater i took without a flash OMG that makes me happy. i am gonna blare up the tunes on youtube and stay off the facebook thing as long as possible.

sniffles..

am way past the sniffles now..dove headfirst into the arms of this cold about 10 hours ago.it actually hurts when i breath, no it burns actually and you know what else that ails me is all the little "perks" that insist on participating in this malady of mine has grown considerably larger like the aches and pains have moved inside my body with all their suitcases full of ingredients like phlegm and runny nose and the loss of my voice etc. i tweaked my lower back coughing last night and well when i lay down it is like my back starts to fuck with me and my mom is telling me you need to spit that out kris ..i know i know. i smile cause i am miserable grouchy but i am fine because i have changed my socks people and once you change your socks it is like you have just entered a new kingdom he he alright-time to go to bed. my poor neighbor yesterday offered me twenty dollars to rake his leaves cause people with multiple college educations tend to do that don't they to try to help you out when all they are really doing is helping themself out of the work they could pay somebody else to do. you know i change my mind that is not a dumb thing that is a damn good thing. anyway he swore maybe one bag of leafs so even though i just had walked home from work and hadn't even made it inside my front door and you know what ? i grabbed the rake without putting on a coat and he turned into hitler. i was upto four bags and the yard waste can full when i almost walked off the job because he just kept expecting more. i was fine one second and when i noticed a blister on the finger from that damn rake i changed into evil bitch- just like that. he brought a band aid out and actually asked me if i was sure that was from raking his leaves ? i looked at his face and i thought to myself okay okay calm down he is just a gentle guy who doesn't realize the alpha inside of me.. whew next thing you know i am telling him that his flamingo yard fixture is stupid and none of the neighbors dig it..which isn't true cause i don't know any of the neighbors but him and it is like i can't stop pushing buttons and then once i notice he is actually listening to me calm and collected i am back from crazybitch island and he tells me he is going to feed me and maybe i will stop being soo grouchy and you know what we actually went out to dinner and had a blast. that is until he made me buy my own coffee
so my final thoughts on this day are...things that tend to annoy me are when you are trying to have a nuclear meltdown or conniption fit and people keep barging in trying to interrupt you with their bullshit..like do you have any extra towels or come check out all glitter the ballet dancers left all over the floor in room 314. what did you say john i ask...glitter? I LOVE GLITTER- it is magic fairy dust!! after all is said and done and i am finally alone by myself again i can't find that place i was before and i was soo looking forward to it. i guess i will just have to get the calendar out and manually figure out the best time to have my mid-life crisis and mark it in big red sharpie permanent market so that everyone will know that i have plans that day. for myself..i mean what the fuk?

opposite day...

sit down and pull up a chair and let me tell you about my day cause i know your mind will need a rest. maybe i should have started with the game instead of the harrowing mind boggling shifts in mental intelligence i had to put myself thru ..and now that i am there and have fully participated in opposite day it is like my brain is not willing to break away from playing this childish turn of events that has taught me how to adapt to anything in my path for survival and respect from my 12 year old daughter hehee. yeah i said 12 year old daughter. anyway she knows more about my competitive spirit and how to work it to her advantage than say her father, my ex. and as his favorite ex-wife i think he enjoys knowing that only she can torment me into my own brand of crazy and get away with it. one of the first of my daily irritations from my youngest creampuff delight came early as we were fixing to go shopping and i had been warning her to get off moviestar planet .com and get her shoes on before it was time to go. each time a little more direct and less friendly and i knew it was time to over react in my mommy dearest way when she started getting huffy and loud...i know I KNOW and rolling her eyes. i thought that is it and i stormed her ready to grab this laptop which is my mother's and throw it out the closed window and make her clean up the broken glass. does anybody ever get that way with their kids not getting off the computer i mean geez. so i walk up behind her saying you better have your shoes on or you are not going and i am going to ..she cuts me off with i forgot dad. "i forgot dad" is she frigging crazy !!but it stops me dead in my tracks and she sticks her shoe covered feet out and says they're invisible with a smirk on her face. right then it hits me cause i forgot i promised her 5 years ago we could play opposite day if she would quit crying when she had crashed on her bike. now she wants to play..how many times do i have to start this day over..reboot my motherboard. but once it started it actually was kinda fun it was more than kinda fun it was a blast and since it is still officially opposite day here is my last normal thought.. i am so wide awake that i can't stand up..i am done clock out kris you are done!
and the official last translation is i am soo tired i wanna lay down

everett washington

deception bay

the perfect bookmark..

my mind and my body are two different lifeforms and if i didn't know any better i would say that they don't always go hand in hand together happy joy joy :) in fact if life wasn't in my face constantly i would say they don't play well together at least when it counts. my walk home from work is starting to be something that feels like all mine. since i am older now with grey hair and grown children and even a grandchild i guess it would be safe to assume that i got everything i asked for from the big guy right ? uhh okay maybe my charm sounds better when i have both my hands seductively placed on my hips and a smile lighting up my face instead of being serious and truthful all the time. i mean why try to explain something for real and take the time away from staring at yourself in the mirror or putting on make up ? lalala no really. anyway god i am soo easily perfectly suggestively tantilizingly OLD, ANCIENT, OVER THE HILL, AND SOO READY FOR BED. so much of life is stored inside our head it is like something will trigger this emotion or memory and so on and so on if you just let your mind wander. i have to keep my mind on a leash. anyway i have found the perfect bookmark for this book called life. ready for my brilliance ! yes.. the chanting give us your wisdom. wait what ...oh yeah :) our children make the perfect bookmark. i am not 100% sure what year i lived in kansas city missouri But i do know my kids were in 2nd and 3rd grade. don't know how old i was when i started working for the postal service but was right after cassidy was born because i had to stop breastfeeding once i was hired ..so 2000 i started going postal ..wow kris you are like so deserving of a song on you tube. gosh just put on marshal tucker can't you see ..can't you see what that woman has been doing to me

in cognito..

just because i am alive does not mean you can continue to waste my time by changing your game to include me in this delusional fantasy you seem to have..i actually am smarter than your everyday thumbtack and just as sharp. no actually means...not gonna happen, not gonna make it, have plans, too busy, gotta work, don't feel that way about you, not a chance, dream on loser, don't waste my time, you are frigging kidding me right CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW how bout suck my dick?

dooney & bourke..

wow ebay takes off and then slams to a halt and takes off..but keeps me busy. have probably close to 130 auctions listed at this time and this one has the most watchers and views so i thought mmhhh ...

this is a new with tags dooney & bourke north/south triple zip cross body bag, with adjustable strap. there are two outside zip pockets and one on top and all of them have black leather zipper pulls. the shoulder strap is also black leather and adjusts upto 24 inches. (but measures approx 48 inches total from one end to the other. the colors are bright and bold.perfect for places you don't need a large bag or how about your daughter's first dooney & bourke ? i do offer free shipping and thanks for looking

artificial intelligence..

what if we are the ones creating the universal mind without even realizing it ? when we need to know something we GOOGLE IT right? and as long as there is a power source we are answered in soo many ways that it is only a matter of time before create the motherboard of artificial intelligence

make-believe imagination...

i already know my make-believe imagination is out of focus and i have to ask..aren't we all? i like being out of focus because it gives me hope that i may shape up into some hot sexy goddess hottie alpha bitch..the closer i focus that is. anyway today was the second day in a row that i was called in to work on my day off, my official work week starts tomorrow but all is well. even though it was in the high thirties this morning you couldn't tell once you were inside our building looking out the window.. Or staring out the window like i like to do way up on the third floor. top of the world from where i stand hehe! Distractions get me everytime where was i ...yes the sunshine was bright and looked warm from my side of the window but my nipples showed me the true temp. i started thinking there is something in room 216 ..yesterday when i walked in and had stripped the first bed and turned toward the second one and bunched up the comforter and started to move it there was this pocket of air or something that was holding a woman's soft laugh . i swear i heard it come from the bed and it was happy and pleasing to my ears. i also decided that i need structure i cannot just write and blog about nothing everyday and get away with it . i mean with my high school education it is a damn shame to let my imagination hide behind my leg..like a child. so i thought maybe i should debate with who else but me ? i know i know brilliance is my middle name folks !
but by my third room that whole concept was slaughtered by my vivid imagination (split personality #342) if I have a choice it has got to be metaphoric or something strange like that ...how about my own brand of crazy ?!! So i wrote down a few subtitles that i would like to commit myself to in the future...you know like writing exercises. fuck it okay more like talking to myself- that is it I WIN. Anyway here's what popped up ....WAIT WAIT BREAK TIME FOR A SECOND JUST HAD A THOUGHT


okay back to my list of subtitles for my writing exercises..sound of laughter, a smack in the face, the price of freedom, over my dead body, cause i said so, my own brand of crazy, by reason of insanity, i'm a little bit country, bell-ringer, faster than a speeding bullet, nine lives, burn it down, all you have to do is ask, try harder, grace, not myself, perfectly normal, it's not like it matter's, tattle tale, bite down on this, song in my heart, elbow grease, cloudy with a chance of tears, easy on the eyes, hard to understand, playing games, time-out, and the power of pussy................which reminds me
MY FIRST WRITING EXERCISE
SO I AM SITTING IN THE BEDROOM OF MY BOYFRIENDS HOUSE AND ALL THE GUYS ARE HANGING OUT SMOKING CIGARETTES AND GOSSIPING AMONGST THEIRSELVES AND I AM DRAWN DOWN THE HALL CLOSER AND CLOSER TO HEAR WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE I CAN FEEL THE POWER OF ANGST OR SOMETHING IN THE AIR AND I NEED TO KNOW WHY ? AND THESE ARE ALPHA MALES AND THEY ARE NOT REALLY STUNNED TOO BAD WHEN I OPEN THE DOOR AND GRAB A SMOKE FROM THE PACK BEFORE I TURN TO MY MAN FOR A LIGHT. I SAY WHAT'S GOING ON AND ALL I HEAR IS SILENCE AND I THINK TO MYSELF WELL THIS IS SOMETHING BUT MY MAN SAYS YEAH WE CANNOT FIGURE OUT WHY SO AND SO IS CRAZY FOR THIS CHICK IT'S LIKE SHE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB AND SHE HAS 4 KIDS AND IT'S LIKE ALL OF A SUDDEN HE DOESN'T WANNA HANG OUT OR SOMETHING AND BABY THIS CHIC IS A SKANK AND THEY ALL START NODDING THEIR HEADS LIKE BOBBLEHEAD IDIOTS AND I JUST SIGH AND STAND UP AND SHAKE MY HEAD AND AS I AM GOING OUT THE DOOR I SAY IN MY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER VOICE ..SOUNDS LIKE THE POWER OF PUSSY TO ME