the chilly air

what is wrong with me? I am so happy yet at the same time...the only thing I breathe out is dread. So much has happened and i am still spinning like a top around the fact that maybe god has given me another chance at redemption. He has given us both a shot at the free throw line. Cap and I are back together. God how i love him sooooo much. He comes down every weekend, well my weekends off. And to top it off graveyard is killing me...I get home and wait for my man to call and tell him everything is going to be okay and that i cannot wait to see him. Then I hang up the phone after faking warmth in my voice when i tell him i love him. But as soon as i hang up the phone i start to bawl and cry like a baby. The guilt i feel just gnaws away at who i am it is all my fault what is happening. He is doing time for my drugs they found that one day back over a year ago. He has got to turn himself in on the third of next month for a year. And that is with good time, he will not be out no sooner than a year. I tried to talk to him about it and he just says you know i would not let them charge you with anything cause you have got your daughter to raise, it is my job to protect you baby. fuck shit damn...what is going on ? I was going to go back with him to spokane we both talked about it and stay at the house but I decided that this job i have got is a good one and it would be better for us and especially me if i stayed here and concentrate on getting a place here in idaho for him to move into and out of the meth infestation of spokane. MY only thing is I cannot hold it together and when I am not tormenting him with my insecurity, the guilt starts tormenting me. I walked away that day. Well I wasn't there when the cops came I was walking down the road on my way to pick up my car. Cause I had parked it in a fit of panic cause I had no valid lisc. and I thought the cops were following me ..which turned out they were. By the time I got home they had him handcuffed and would not let me in the house. They told me he had signed a statement that everything was his and that we were in the process of breaking up and he would take all the blame if they would just let me go. They just let me go and i waited for my man to get home and i kept using and so did he. We both felt time was running out and we sped along around the curves too fast, almost crashing everytime we stopped to catch our breath. What happened is the funny thing..I never fell out of love with him from the first time we made love over two and a half years ago.. and now i am angry when he cannot drop everything and be up here with me to hug me and remind me that he loves me and forgives me. I no longer have a vehicle and my mother hates him and everytime he calls she hangs up on him and
I start thinking he is blowing me off and you know it just gets away from me. Baby baby baby why can't i stop loving you? I only wanted the best for you and i am thinking that i may need therapy to help me cope with issues i had before you and i met. namely possom..
I will wait for you
i will wait for us
i need you more than you need what i am about
you only know me when i was using and with my self confidence
that i found with meth
i think that we are going to have issues
with my insecurity
and distance
as i try to view the world clean and sober
will you be my glasses
when the light is too dark
or when you just tell me to close my eyes?

altered states

altered states of emergency is more like it..coming clean again and again. I think I am going to try it one more time and see if i cannot acquire a taste for it. The irony about the whole thing is I feel like it is inside out when it comes to me. my altered state of consciousness is not being clean. I feel like a stranger to myself. I don't know whether i need to start over and let things be or try to rationalize why i chose the path I did. The thing about drugs is it feels good the first time you use. it is addicting that was my biggest downfall. I could not get the feel good from life when i needed it. When I had to have it, and I was to impatient to let it find me. So I cheated i paid for it. Ahhh that is the easy way out. Well the easy way in. I think back and wonder what happened to the good times..it is like they merged into something evil. A beast I could not control. My addiction was like a dangerous dog on a chain. I fed it and watered it like I was suppose to and let it inside my house. I know my children had to have an idea because of the knocks on the door at all times of the night. But in the beginning I had a good job and i told myself that it was okay cause I was a functioning addict. That is how I justified what i had become..a functioning addict. I used and abused and smoked and snorted and laughed and cried and longed for peace..stability..love..and always more. That was my drug of choice-MORE. I know alot about people and what they do to get by. The excuses they use to ease the reality of life. cause i used them all to. I did not want to stop and I did because i knew it was killing me and everything i stood for. now looking back i can see something and it hurts worse than the calm that soothed my irrational storm. It is the fact that meth is not going to go away, if anything it is worse now than when i first started close to twenty years ago. I think jail and probation is just a pee test away for everybody. And it is big business. I know cause i use to pick up the drug tests and second chance house and task everyday. I felt the panic as I walked out the front door of whatever business i was leaving. It was worse than a brick wall. it was invisible fear and anger not at me really but at what they had become. let me just state that at that time i was not using .I should have known better than to have ever shared that pipe with the beast. the jails are full of addicts and the jails are full of violent offenders and i feel it is not a good combination. It is time to fix the problem instead of just punishing the ones that get caught. there are so many victims..I remember one time i saw a toddler running across ash and then maple by the court house with nothing on but a diaper and i started yelling at him. i was just horrified cause it is a busy road. i scared him and he never even turned around. i went straight to the police desk in the ford building and hurriedly explained about this child ..that they needed to send a squad car something and they needed to do it now!!! I was told that unless i was willing to make s police report they weren't going to be able to send a squad car for him. I did the only thing a mother could do-I LOST IT.
I don't really remember reaching over the desk and knocking things over to get to what i cannot remember i just knew i had to do something besides jump up and down.
Later i was told that yeah the thing was the mom was a meth user and had passed out with her front door wide open and when the police brought her baby back she was so out of it they could not even wake her up. I know good people who use and I know more bad people who part of the problem. Why is it that everybody who uses regardless if they are good are not are labeled bad. Do we have to wait until enough good people are in the throes of meth before something can be done to help everybody. When you have a child before you leave the hospital if you test positive they take your child away for endangerment. I do know two or three women this has happened to and it breaks my heart. Why can't they ask for help before it comes to that instead of losing everything. just because you use does not mean you don't love your children.
i understand wanting to protect the young. But somewhere there has got to hope.
somewhere there has got to be middle ground.

knocker knocker out

tomorrow starts my working week. so i really need to make today count as far as getter done. my biggest downfall is thinking too much and not doing what i want. i over analyze everything and in all truth the only time i don't think and just react is when i am starting to fight some bitch who just can't quit running her mouth. I am not a killer though and half the time I would probably be declared not the winner. I am a pincher a hair puller and not a knocker knocker out. When I get to the point of losing it with the opposite sex I find myself walking off. As it goes after two years with Cap I am in shape with muscular legs and a weak heart. Oh and a little dehydrated from the loss of tears I wasted on something that would not change. About a week ago we were standing in the road in front of the house i was part of and I knew in my heart that I was over him and he was the coyote. The trickster at 60 yrs old. He started tearing up and grabbed a hold of my arm and just wouldn't let go. When I told him I had to go his tears fed my tears and i turned to go before he could wipe them off my face. Cause coyote should be avoided at this time, he will stoop as low as it takes to trick me back in love with him. If he had to crawl on his belly and shave the fur off his chest if that brought him low enough into the dirt-he would.
It was superbowl sunday and all the way back to darcies i panicked cause I thought he had one of my tears in his hand . And I knew if he was smart(but alas he is just superfically stupid) he could do more than trick me. I had a vision of my frozen teardrop slowly melting in his glass of lemonade as the game was just starting. I wondered if it cooled down the hot anger inside of him or if he choked on the taste of my bitterness

nominees for best presidential pretender are..

God I swore I was not going to get caught up in this bullshit. But something is happening and it is...not only at my house. It is spreading like a virus and I
know there is no flu shot that is going to kill this bug. No foot that is gonna
smash the life out of this insect. It is airborne and contaminating the lungs of
all it comes in contact with. Indeed the very words that follow exposure. It is not
related to the swine or avian flu or whatever strain has mutated this season. It
is more potent than the most virile cough. More contagious than the chickenpox. I catch
myself inhaling deeply with my mouth wide open amongst strangers-in my attempt to taste
that fragrant sense.
It smells like hope..
If there is one opportunity to take back our country it is now. But I feel like the
bullshit is going to be deep and dirty. Who and how you choose to vote for is your business. All I am saying is plug your nose if you have to and put your duckies back on your feet. Don't get lost in the shitstorm that is coming. Remember how good it smells after the storm ..when you can see the world again ?

throwing rocks..

So much has happened this past week I have changed and I am scared to look into the mirror..afraid I might like what I see. I am content now, no worse I am purring like a cat. I feel uncomfortable in new clothes, I always loved tight and constricting not loose and comfortable. Loose and comfortable like all the happy creatures wear. The only thing that I ache for I cannot find and I know Cap has it...are my rocks. Only because he believed in my power. It was a game until someone starts believing right? I miss my
malachite and my moldavite and moonstone, the rocks I had. That I had picked up and bought from a memory I just could not let go of, the one solid piece of something my fingers curled around as I was kneeling by my father's grave. A river rock from the cleansing embrace of the water racing down the back river in arkansas. My meteorites from
wonders of the world. I had piles of rock strategically placed everywhere, bad in my room- tektites from tibet and the fulgarites that once held onto the lightning as it burrowed in the sand. A kiss of electricity-perhaps for our mother, the earth. I cannot find anything anymore I guess I am letting go- after all I would have traded them all for the precious soul, that has joined my family. I just want to do something besides auctions on ebay and read my vampire books. My erotic vampire books ...yawn besides this is how bored I was yesterday night for supper instead of making homemade mashed potatos,I used cauliflour instead. IT WAS SOO GOOD!
Okay I now am hungry.
I want to get my rifle and go out to my aunts in the country and pull that trigger
again and again. Not my twenty gauge but my .22 rifle. i want to feel the pull when I launch a projectile into flight. I wouldn't even mind missing the first few (I never miss only at skeet tournaments, ha). If I could have the privlege of having to readjust my aim before hitting my target I think that would be swell. Hell if the lake was not impossible to get to I would throw rocks or at least skip them on top of the water..gimme back my bullets..NO I WANT TO SHOOT MY GUN and scream look at me you silly rabbit!!

medicine..

So much has happened this past week I have changed and I am scared to look into the mirror..afraid I might like what I see. I am content now, no worse I am purring like a cat. I feel uncomfortable in new clothes, I always loved tight and constricting not loose and comfortable. Loose and comfortable like all the happy creatures wear. The only thing that I ache for I cannot find and I know Cap has it. Only because he believed in my power. It was a game until someone starts believing right? I miss my
malachite and my moldavite and moonstone, the rocks I had. That I had picked up and bought from a memory I just could not let go of, the one solid piece of something my fingers curled around as I was kneeling by my father's grave. A river rock from the cleansing movement of water racing down the back river in arkansas. My meteorites from
wonders of the world in spokane . I had piles of rock strategically placed everywhere, bad in my room- tektites from tibet and the fulgarites that once held onto the lightning and it burrowed in the sand. A kiss of electricity-perhaps for our mother, the earth. I cannot find anything anymore I guess I am letting go after all I would have traded them all for the precious soul that has joined my family. I just want to do something besides auctions on ebay and read my vampire books. My erotic vampire books ...yawn besides this is how bored I was yesterday night for supper instead of making homemade mashed potatos,I used cauliflor instead. IT WAS SOO GOOD!
Okay I now am hungry.
I want to get my rifle and go out to my aunts in the country and pull that trigger
again and again. Not my twenty gauge remington but my .22 rifle. i want to feel the pull when I launch a projectile into flight. I wouldn't even mind missing the first few (I never miss only at skeet tournaments, ha). If I could have the privlege of having to readjust my aim before hitting my target I think that would be swell. Hell if the lake was impossible to get to I would throw rocks or at least skip them on top of the water..gimme back my bullets..NO I WANT TO SHOOT MY GUN

-a voice is a vice is a voice for you

well it seems my phone just keeps surprising me everytime it rings. Since when has everyone been concerned with my happiness? How many voices are there for my brain to figure out after the first hello. It is like "Kris is this you" and my thoughts are like who the fuck is this. And just as soon as my silence greets the voice with no face
I hear things like "this is Possom" or "it's Cap" or "this is your best friend calling cause I miss you so bad". It is weird cause this is home now. It makes me uncomfortable to try and answer all the questions they are firing off at me. I don't want to share this pocket of peace I have found in the ice and snow. I also don't know how long it is
going to last before it begins to lose its shape and like snow through the hourglass so are the days of our life.
I am not going to start dating any of my exes and that includes longtime exes like Possom. How the heck did he get my number that has not changed in twenty years and has been the same since we were together and apart. Mmmhhhh I bet our daughter gave it to him and why did we talk for almost two hours? Oh my God !! I think the adults are maturing. And why is he clean and sober? I thought if you were in a motorcycle club and a one percenter using drugs was required.
My feet are getting ready to do a jig, my step is light and my heart is free. I hear something....what may you ask? Concentrate Kris, don't let the pied piper (not meth-related) lead you away from your life!
It is the most contagious tune indeed..A Song of such beauty and beat. It is trying to find a way inside my head. I don't have enough hands to plug up all the holes in my head..no oh wait-yes there it is.
My hand is contaminated with something and my fingers are starting to snap.. I have to dance. Not the cotton-eyed Joe. The other one that is forbidden at my age-the strip tease. All the way into the bathroom so I can jump in the shower and start my day.

The little body I held..

The little body I held, had more strength inside of it than a titanium wall. The little voice I heard was more powerful than the crowds cheering at the Superbowl. The little foot I kissed was more alive than the tracks that followed me. The little noises he made while suckling did more than quench his thirst, it fed me. The way my daughter looked so lovingly at what I held in my arms moved me into another realm of acceptance. I will believe again. Not just in him but in myself. I lost something the first moment i saw him, when i set my baggage down. When I was coaching her ...yelling at her to push. The salt of my tears did something with the heaviness I had been carrying for so long. It dried up and evaporated into the air and was gone. And you know what? Under all that weight there was me . I will never give up . I will always always be here in case you will ever need me little one. You saved me by being born.

May 06, 2005

There are some things left better alone right? I was looking through some of my old journal entries ..in particular my shadow entries. This was a time I was in the throes of meth-related delirium. I don't know why I used so long all i know is i will never use again. But there use to be something in the shadows whispering in my ear..Anyway i don't know if I am more ashamed of the automatic writing or the thought that I was writing something good..How can addiction which is BAD< BAD < BAD spit out the taste of anything pure? IT CANNOT!!! And this is the twisted part-the longer i stayed up the easier it was to merge with the shadow people. I truly believed they were my friends -Emily, Elizabeth and Jeho...cannot say that one.
Anyway there are two different entries I don't know why I am doing this ..The first one goes..
If mankind cannot fulfill his destiny, all shall be lost. A great dishonor will be the only distinction of a wasted existence. For it was once believed redemption would be the only outcome-in many a mortal endeavor. You are not forgotten..Your struggle and hardships are what you demanded from the Father. He is not the one punishing you .AND THE SECOND MORE SERIOUSLY TWISTED
... Do not be fooled by reality. It does not really exist at anywhere or at anytime.
It is nothing more than the playing field. Nothing but the odds, the numbers which trigger the outcome. Like the days and years, even the hairs on your head..how many breaths you will exhale, how many lives you will ruin. Even the number of children you will bring to the team . It is the simplicity that complicates the game. Nothing
you have been given to ease your plight of mortality means anything. you are nothing but a fleeting thought..You are still an animal and shame the master dutifully. You are like a dog nobody wants, left outside. And only fed to shut you up. It is your
thoughts that rise up and shatter the quiet of the heavens like glass shattering our window of earth, "our view of you".
I am the voice of many who long to put you out of your misery. To end the suffering that stirs the heavens. Your stench of fecal decay overpowers the fragrant sense of
the garden that we tend. You are a weed, nothing more.
Nobody knows how long ago the almighty father turned to us and wished for something, after he wished for you. We are his longing for you. So powerful the thoughts of his universal mind-that gave birth to our enlightened state of consciousness. We must co-exist together because we are related by the same thought. We fit together only
on different planes of the same playing field. We are not cheerleaders chanting go go go with our arms in the air, cause you are losing the game. The only game that matters you are throwing it away. I can tell you about a destiny that is yours..

the banks of the asphalt river

I promised you a wave that was all you were getting. From across the street, that would be our asphalt river neither would cross. I cannot remember what you were saying as you lit my cigarette. i only knew that my mind was screaming louder than the crowds at the super bowl ...COYOTE

on the rez

The road past the cda casino-plummer and tensed are not lighted and dangerous if you
panic. It is the other vehicles that endanger everyone, the logging trucks speed like demons down death's highway. But I have always felt the two hour trip was a rechargeable battery that kept part of my soul working. Only for some reason I was not
plugged in correctly or maybe I was and didn't realize it. I kept sensing one of those deer that i saw earlier getting ready to leap out into my path and it was fucking with me bad. Earlier during daylight hours heading towards spokane I must have counted four or five feeding close to the road. My eyes focused on distant shadows in the dark and I cringed everytime the wind blew on whatever the shadow was apart of. I almost became frightened of my imagination but then I cleared my throat and wiped off part of the front windshield and dialed the radio in and turned the volume up up up -METAL. Yes HEAVY METAL would work it would be my carriage of choice. I did not want to hit a deer and I didn't want to stop driving. I only wanted to get my tired self home so I could pee

monthly lowdown (3/30/05)

jesus loves me this i know...
I found jesus hiding behind a box of tampax in the back of the cabinet.
And I reacted in my normal demented deviant way and threw the box in the trash.
After making sure each cotton-tailed sinner stick was accounted for and ready for duty.