Thursday, March 29, 2012

wormholes..

life is ..eating me up from the inside. i have all this inner space that holds my pain . deep dark caverns that seep in misery. big as the universe i'm told. i often find a wormhole and travel from one dark spot to another. hoping i might end up in the warm bright light of a distant galaxy that has no use for such things as me.

rem...

i stand in the hall alone with the quiet and wait to hear your voice.my mind still pretends that you are not gone. i reach for you every morning as i am waking up for the day. even though i no longer matter to you it seems you are a thorn i can't pull out. i am crippled by my inability to move. i can only wonder. the world doesn't seem real without you. my food has no taste. nothing catches my attention. i don't take time to brush my hair or put on my make up. i spend alot of time in bed trying to catch you in a dream

Monday, March 26, 2012

early grave

there are things that happen in life that change everything. that feed on your happiness and take from your soul.  while you are standing out under the open sky at the graveyard and you hear the earth hit the coffin of the one you will miss and never see again.

lost and lonely /sept 12, 2003

i walk alone in this crazy chaotic place some call home. surrounded by many, yet known to few. there is no order to the madness that is acted upon by the blur of uncertain faces, living what they call life. without a script to follow, choices must be made by those who don't know better. "lost in motion" they deceive by living a lie. they trick other souls into seeing what they think they want to be. they believe who they are is what others think of them. so life is not the gift meant to be..if not lived for one's self. a slave without chains, bound to a master whose every thought or belief is unseen and forever chaniging. they become lost and confused if left alone and their own thoughts turn against them in a cycle of self destruction. they become a stranger in the dark they fear passionately. so you breathe the same air of misery and helplessness, surrounded by bodies that have no idea of the joy i have found in the same path journeyed. so you walk with others and i walk alone ! so what ! I WALK ALONE-it may appear i am the weaker. but you are fooled by the strength of my very step, my every breath..there is courage and wonder in each day that cannot be bought or imagined to a mind so feeble and consumed by cowardice that ...
you all wear masks of deception. as your eyes follow me, i grow stronger and straighter and fear and resentment begins to grow subconsciously towards me. your time and my reality are worlds apart but c0-exist as one. you waste your energy in a mortal endeavor to be the victor. and of what ?! reality is lost with the concept that time is measured by each passing day. to live in the moment that comes with acceptance that the conclusion of a lesson learned over time be be enjoyed if even the goal is never attained. there is lost time in every breath taken in a world so alive with beauty and a silent grace. if  you would only open your eyes. look around you will find strength from the simple things that feed the soul (a soul starving for nourishment) and such an abundance of sustenance. i seek no recognition of self i don't need such petty comfort, for your illusion of the game is wrong.why must there be only one victor? why must there be competition and battles and triumph over others. the game is never done until it is figured out

book of shadows/miwok 2002

random notes that i felt were important enough to write down at that time in my life.

HISTORICAL MIWOK INDIAN SITES
tamalas bay
indian grinding rock state park
antelope valley indian museum (sandy gulch)
mission vieja
angel island
mission san rafael arangel
yosemite
state indian museum-2618 k street sacramento
point reyes national park
arrowhead
wassama roundhouse state park carved rock
hemet moise stone

DATURA-also known as jimsonweed, thorn apple, toloache

#3)
hold onto what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
hold onto what you believe even it is a tree which stands by itself.
hold onto what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
hold onto life even when it is easier letting go.
hold onto my hand even when i have gone away from you

#4)
i know not where i'm from, or where i am in relation to any place, for i just am..
i have no physical body, no voice that can be heard, no memories that exist to prove my "being".
an attempted existence derived from a pondering mind. so great the power, the knowledge of a passing thought which gave birth and first breath to my enlightened state of being. immortal in thought and form, but all the same insuperior to any rational idea of evolution that one can become a part of in your reality. a single breathe, a passing thought is what i have become...as is my desire

#5) BOOKS I HAD PURCHASED
remarkable trees of the world
theodore rex
flirt
lost languages
longitudes & latitudes
mormon america
roadside geology of washington state
rocks and gems
medievel panorama
geometry civilized
chinese caligraphy
7 mysteries of life
art of war

#6) WISH LIST
feldspar pegmatite
stony iron meterorite
amber
bonded ironstone
obsidian -snowflake
cyanotrichite (blue)
labradorite-blue
microcline
malachite

#7)
he who says he knows-shun
he who thinks he knows-listen
he who says he doesn't know-follow

#8) MEDICINE CARDS (1st spread)
note- there are 7 directions surrounding the physical body
EAST-whale/record keeper
SOUTH-mountain lion/leadership
WEST-snake/transmutation
NORTH-turkey/give-away
ABOVE-moose/self esteem
BELOW-skunk/reputation
WITHIN-owl/deception
RIGHT SIDE-elk/stamina
LEFT SIDE-armadillo/boundaries

Sunday, March 25, 2012

petals of mine..

i was uptight as i watched you,
 bend over and  pluck
  that beautiful flower
 from the ground
i cringed inside as you held it up
  for the world to see
your face lit up
as you inhaled deeply
  of a forgotten time
i was spellbound
  by your innocence
    and deeply moved
"here you go momma" you whispered
before turning away
i held it's fading glory
  in my dying hands

mind trip... 4/29/2006

a voice lifted my soul...UP
 above the bed
out of reach...UP
up and  away
into inner space
my mind wasn't looking
i had forgotten who i was
i was weightless for two breaths
 maybe three
put back into your arms again
 within your empty space
once again...
to fight my way out
back home..to me

old post..musical chairs

the struggle gets harder everyday in the thick of things. the "high" that keeps me at "feel good" rather than maintain or the daughter who is never happy. always complaining always wanting more of me for her "feel good"
funny thing is she is me and my attention is her drug

japan's nuclear meltdown..

are we headed for the endangered list? or marked for extinction? the heart is beating fast as it slowly loses it's pull. our beautiful lady is mother earth. the ocean is now poison. watch how it spreads and then you'll know . none of this will matter, the days grow dark and darkness will find us. no matter where you stand. no matter how you look at it. nothing will protect you. nothing will protect you from us. the world will start again. if you like to soothe the grief that is coming ..to the ones you hold soo tight then you are a fool. do something instead of watch t.v. and point and shake your head. take a gun and bullets and blow off their heads

front seat...

my eyes search the face looking back at me,
from the rearview mirror.
no sign of recognition co-exists within,
the empty hollow space (the eyes)
that has become more than all of me

paraellel worlds..

how many times a day will i catch myself lost in a dream. it seems i have created this paraellel world that co-exists with ours. in order to have everything over there i must give give give everthing i got here. ha i know i need help! silly rabbit tricks are for kids. what i should be asking is .."who do you gotta fuck to get one of those?"

the chase.. old old post

my eyes try not to linger on the merchandise, while my brain tries to take it all in
my hand is already reaching in my pocket to feel for the cash-I AIN'T GOT
while a sharp sigh exits my mouth undoing the eye roll that is freeing the trap door of my existence.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Thursday, March 22, 2012

dreamer..

i lie awake and wonder
i fall asleep and dream
i lie awake and hunger
i fall asleep and scream

sleep..

WHEN DAYLIGHT SHUTS HER EYES AND THE SKY IS FAST ASLEEP
THE MOON COMES UP WITH HALF A FACE AND THE STARS PUT HOLES IN THE NIGHT.

drummer and dancers..


this day is now gone. i had plans or so i thought. i did pick up some more job applications while i was out and about. so help me god i am gonna find a better paying job if it kills me or at least one that has a benefits. after i picked up my paycheck mom took me to pullman so i could pick up a money order for to pay the dentist. only 8 more months to go before he is paid off. tried to get eric's birthday present picked out before mom leaves on her trip. i did decide to buy me something besides makeup. since cap is going to keep my books i have to start over. i am giving up all my reference books to him, cause i don't need to be stopping by to pick them up ever. they can all be replaced little by little even though he doesn't read maybe someone there does. so my first purchase was the crystal bible from hastings. is pretty good reference with color pictures of what i like to collect. now if i could just find me a piece of phenachite and then with that crossed off we move to the meterorite and then moldavite...it goes on and on. least i have my malachite and other good luck charms. have close to 5 things going out on ebay this last two weeks net over eight hundred dollars. who would have known? trying not to get stir crazy but isn't working. i am tired all the time and the only thing i like to do anymore is crawl under my big thick comforter with a book and read until i fall asleep.just finished mockingjay the last hunger games book and started reading the sorcerer's stone which i can't believe cause i don't like the harry potter movies. tomorrow my boss is trying to make sure i don't work i am on call as the last housekeeper to come in so i can head upt spokane to see cassidy dance at garfield elementary. i am on call at 30 rooms. oh yeah and she wants to stop at the casino for a little while. i never win at the cda casino the one in lewiston yeah but that is few and between.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

spring..


so today is officially spring and mother nature is tormenting us with her power of show. it is still snowing and the city is officially covered in white. i live right by moscow high school and as i type this there is a man shovelling the last few sidewalks to keep the pathways safe from slip. safe from slip hehe. the news has labelled the whole day as spring snow but i think i am going to change into spring into gear day and get the rest of my applications finished up and turned in. i have got all the addresses and phone numbers in order it is just the years. i know i the postal service was the year cassidy was born in 2000 cause i had to stop nursing. but i am soo getting in my stall mode again. started the third book of the hunger games mockingjay and like the catching fire (book2) i just can't put it down and go about my life. my life is soo boring right now but it is expected at my age i guess. chaos has been my middle name for soo long. or let's just say my middle initial-let's not get carried away there kris. so what's up with me..anything? ummm oh yeah for the past week my hair is fuzzy static. if i walk around in just my socks i start building up that electric shock treatment thing the first time i touch anything and it is starting to annoy the hell out of me. i tried changing my pillow case but now my brush is infected with the sickness. is static a sickness?

by nancy wood...

i am a woman
i hold up half of the sky
i am a woman
i nourish half the earth
i am a woman
the rainbow touches my shoulders
the universe encircles my eyes
woman of the mountains
lying face up, to the sky
what do you know of old stars born?
when you were young
with raindrops forming tears
for all the stars which died
what has the moon told you of lonliness
with it's sad face fixed on yours
waiting forever to be touched
by the mothering sun
what song does the wind play for you?
as it lingers on your breast
and hollows out the softness of your thighs
who has kept you company through the ages
as the earth turned green beneath you
and the river flowed, from your eyes
woman of the mountains
lying face up, to the sun
when will you know
the generosity of time
to crumble your unmoving body into mine

the woodstove..

the whole world was transformed in a matter of days. the silence became somewhat soothing to me at first. pure white snow had fallen from the heavens while we all slept. the flakes were soft and fluffy white. it was breathtaking that something could transform the filth of the ghetto into a white majestic wonderland. i built a fire in the woodstove. i took my time enjoying the ritual of creating warmth. it felt soo good not to rush. to feel my hands seperate sections of newspaper from the rolled up edition that rarely made it out of the plastic bag the paperboy had delivered it in and crumple it and twist it in my special way and lay it flat on the bottom before i lay the kindling on top of it and light the match. like an infant i fed it the kindling. the crackling flames ate up my hate as i fed it's existence life

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

the captain's log..

found another box full of journals that are going to feed the shredder. these are a few simple short words wrote by me ;

7/1/2010
i would like to say that i know myself! i really would. but then there would be so many questions that i would have to ask myself about some of the shit i have pulled. besides what if i caught myself in a lie..then what?


?????
i don't have anything else to give you to prove my love. i'm on empty and the road ahead stretches farther than my eyes can see


616 s napa hehe
"HOME" IS A PLACE WHERE HEARTACHE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR FOR YOU, IN A LITTLE BLACK MINI-SKIRT

12/19/2006/Ghetto-lower eastside

i want to reach for your hand and work your fingers in and around mine.
i want to but i can't
it would be too much for you to understand
you would think something was wrong or that i needed you.

Monday, March 19, 2012

omg..

woke upto the sound of strapping tape being wound a box and sat straight up...what time is it? holy shit fuik i must have slept all the way thru the night. i made my mom stop at mcdonalds for a fish fillet on the way home from work. it settled my stomach it seems. i laid down around 5pm to start the second hunger games book and blam it is 8:05am this morning !! my legs feel all crampy and moody-like a bitch and all i can think about is HOW BAD I WANT BISQUITS AND GRAVY. ebay is out of control. there are seven things going out today hehe but i am on my way to work. a girl would do just about anything for some steaming hot gravy poured over the top of 3 huge buttermilk bisquits geez

Saturday, March 17, 2012

spirit lake..

my co-worker at the postal service told me if i ever wanted to go party with her and have a good time .we were going to go where she grew up in spirit lake idaho and of course i started asking her questions as the weeks passed by. how many bars or were there any good bands out that far in the woods of idaho? i was married and new to the postal service as well as new to the state of washington. the first time we went out she let me pick the place and i did. a drag queen show at dempsey's only because i knew both our husbands would back out and me and her could hang out and be ourselves and dance of course. we had soo much fun the only time she got onto me was when i would stop grooving to the music and stare at the gay guys do their gay moves. alot of arm movements like aerobics or cheerleading.it was a little too techno for me but she kept feeding me shots of tequila. how do you get 86'd out of a gay bar let me tell you it wasn't as hard as i thought it would be. but then i am not really a drinker.they had big bowls of condoms at each end of the bar and somehow we were trying to blow them up and twist them into animals like the clowns use to do for me when i was a kid. we had soo much fun omg. i wasn't escorted out but both of my hands had big x's on them in black sharpie. i actually had those on the back of my hands for close to a week.

cold air...

the sound of the air conditioner overpowers  the silence
even the screaming of my heart
twisted in agony
will not succumb
to the cool air
 cold with sound

charles kuralt...

"there is melancholy in the wind and sorrow in the grass"

Thursday, March 15, 2012

such a nice girl am i...

i am not going to stare out the window all the time at work. gosh i hope those construction workers finish up that apartment building soon so i can implement my new rule. not alot going on in my life. still single not really looking cause every single spare moment is spent watching the vampire diaries. i am like on episode 23 right now. i love netflix. it sits up with me at night and has my full attention. i think we might try to go to onaway to the family plot tomorrow to lay flowers on my dad's grave. my grandpa is buried there and my great granny. even my aunt and uncle plan on being buried there. it is a tiny graveyard and all the good spots are going to be taken before it's my turn.  my mom already has her spot next to my dad. they share the same headstone ..is kinda creepy a little. but one thing for certain is life is fatal and so is my love life. i was walking home in the rain and i had a peaceful easy feeling thing going on until a passing car sprayed me with water hehe. so i hit the next button a few times on my ipod til i found judas priest's" you gotta another thing coming" and i transformed my peaceful easy feeling mood into my want some fries with that shake walk mode and the whole world stopped to watch me walk on by

my dad..





Wednesday, March 14, 2012

angel food cake smile...

there is a calm or peace that has wrapped it's long arms around me and has soothed that part of me that was starting to frazzle. every month i swear. i feel great. wonderful .. today was a free list day on ebay so got a few more than normal up and running for my mom. already had 3 or 4 buy it nows. went shopping shopping and out to brunch as well as out to lunch with my mom today. got these hot sexy animal print wedgies. i also bought a pair of black tennis shoes and a pair of white tennis shoes and my mom leaves for vacation in a couple weeks. i work tomorrow but after that i am seriously gonna start putting job applications in all over town. i feel it is time to move on from where i am. i like my job and co workers just fine but there is no future there. had most excellent spaghetti for supper and am getting off right now to make an angel food cake delight. yummy. rented hugo and since it is red box has to be back tomorrow geez

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

microscopic smile..



                                                     happy happy joy joy...see my smiling face

don't read...me whining big time

my mom as i know does not pay me and she gets soo upset with me when i ask a price on anything. i am soo frustrated staying here. she has now decided to raise all the junk shoes i list for her at $38.00. while the shoes that i listed last time the brand new birkenstocks were listed at $28.00-30.00. the price is too high and they probably won't sell but see the thing is this .,..there is a listing fee regardless if they sell or not so that will be blamed on me. just do what she wants and escape back to my room. i hate coming home i don't like being here. everything is me spending her money while she orders at least 3 windstone dragons a week. when we go to the movies or out to eat i am the one that pays. even though i paid for the last movie when we left i asked if we could stop at taco bell so i could get a side of rice she said with what? i had 3 bills in my purse and i was so insulted i gave her two of them. i had a twenty and two ones. later like the next day i was at work on lunch break and i ran to arby's for my food. i only had a one dollar bill. so when i came home i asked her if she could check to see if i gave her a 20 by accident after i looked everywhere in my room even dumping out my whole purse in front of her. she said no it didn't happen but she had seven dollars and 50 cents she would loan me i said no thanks . she is going on vacation in a couple weeks and that is when mine starts. not being or doing everything wrong just by being born or being here.

booger...

geez wish i could flick off this dark mood of mine. flick it off like a booger lol. anyway am soo dark and gloomy past week it was hard to notice that the sun came out a little today. my daughter cassidy thinks that i can summon the wind but anyone can tell when there is a storm blowing in. i am getting lost in lonely. i have never been without this long. but i just cannot settle for right now. i know in my heart that it would probably not be a smart idea to date anyone for a while at this time. this is the longest that i have gone without sex and i think i am back in my frigid bitch mode. and right before menopause good timing if i say so myself. always thought of going out with a bang.
probably good if i get ebay up and running again for my mom it gives us both something to do. two more days before the anniversary of my father's death...he made the sign bell haven. he was always good with wood and fishing and guns  well alot of things. know what the kids use to tease me about ? well after the bubble butt thing it was always ding dong bell..or kris bell go to hell. ahh the good old days when the torment wasn't personal or mean and nasty.

Monday, March 12, 2012

shawn...

so apparently since i went to the dentist and had a broken infected tooth removed from the left side of my jaw..i have little or no hearing in my left ear and my face is broke out over the spot where my tooth was infected. the dentist gave me hydro 5's but they are now gone thank god cause i couldn't stop double dosing myself. i have not got out of bed in the last two days not even to shower-yummy as a gummy bear! i have been taking advantage of my free month of netflix i watched the next three days with russell crowe and trollhunter which was in subtitles which i really liked-which tells me i must be fucked up pretty bad and now i am fixing to hit the start next episode of the vampire diaries. i have the next two days off work and since they have hired two new housekeepers my hours are going to be maybe two days a week. now would be the perfect time to put in an app at schweitzer or wal-mart . last time i worked at the walmart here in moscow cap came and got me before he went in for a year so i could stay and take care of his mom. i wonder how she is doing? she always loved me. one day his second oldest son shawn came over to visit his grandma and i was dressed in my northern quest valet uniform that sunny afternoon and i was putting dishes in the dishwasher before i left so she wouldn't have to worry about it. god i love that lady. anyway he came to stand by me in the kitchen as i was staring out the window. he startled me by shutting the dishwasher and actually starting it for me . i told him thanks and he asked me ...wow why are you still with my dad kris ? i mean you know how he is with the other women? he shook his head and said How can that be okay with you ? you know there will always be other women right? just cause he is locked up is the only reason he needs you now. you know that... you are just for now ? And you are all right with that?
he is the one who put all the doubt in my head and now i thank him for making me become more aware of how my man really was.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

above ground..

i still enjoy soo much walking to the park to swing on the swings. not soo much the slide anymore there is just something about the wind in my hair that tickles my fancy. my legs rock back and out for the added acrobatic flair. i feel like i fucked up last when all was said and done. shit shit shit how could i?

Saturday, March 10, 2012

the ride..


life is not a journey to the grave, with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty & well preserved body.
but rather to skid in broadside thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming...WOW WHAT A RIDE.  and remember no parking on the dance floor :D

Friday, March 9, 2012

charming...

if i thought we had a chance i would have let you hold me til morning
if i thought you charming i would have laughed at your jokes
if i thought you were cool i would have lit your cigarette
if i thought you were fun i would have gone anywhere with you
if i thought you were a friend i would have asked questions
if i thought you were a bore i would have cranked the volume up
if i thought you were familiar i would have given you my number
if i thought you were rude i would have made you pay the bill
if i thought you were lonely i would have shared you with the crowd
if i thought that you were for me then there wouldn't be anybody else


p.s. this little piece is about all the men who just haven't worked out. some are a single line a few of them scored two or three of these lines... but they all add up to notta

i am stuck on band aids...


the only thing i retained from science growing up is H2O is oxygen and Na stands for Sodium on the elemental periodic table. wanna know how i remember the sodium ? ever since i can remember i have had a certain female issue that happens everytime i get cold-my nipples stick out. in junior high it was my cue to put on a sweater to stop the boys from gawking at me. i was told i had a sodium buildup and that meant Oh shit not again !! sodium and Na . We picked sodium due to the letters Na or nipple action .who says we weren't creative? life was soo simple back then. my mom gets upset with me to this day about what they do- when they do- what they do geez. it is winter after all and i always have on a bra because it is the law here. we were getting ready to go to church and i stepped in the garage for a second and stepped back in the house and she freaked out on me. like i was going in the garage and pinching my nipples as hard as i could just to upset her or something. she keeps bringing me band aids she expects me to put them over my nipples. i tell her no and show her i have a bra on before i put on a heavy sweater. i am not putting band aids on my nipples

thunder...

i was up and down all night with the pain. each time i rose to stumble to the bathroom for my pain killers the beauty of the full moon shining so true and bright would stop me in my tracks. for a second. there is this killer car parked in the car lot where i live. when i go down to get the clothes out of the dryer. i am going to take a picture of it- i promise. it is an old thunderbird a V8. i wonder who you gotta fuk to get one of those? bowie knifes are going to tennessee and mom is out shipping that off as we speak. we have four other items to get out today and she was starting to panic looking thru bins and i helped her with those (which we are going to take all 5 of them to the storage unit cause they are xmas attire) and at 3:40 we are going to go pick up her friend linda and head over to see john carter. i told her it was going to be a good day as i was going in the bathroom. then she heard me yell shit ..i started. well this changes everything lol.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

hallelujah..

i love this song it has been stuck in my head since i discovered john bon jovi singing it before christmas. i started a sticky note thing here on my laptop to remember my itune selections i am going to buy each go round. every payday i buy a card. i can't help it. there is just something about listening to the songs you love to hear turned up soo loud that gives me joy and happiness .i could not find john singing this on itunes. so i went with jeff buckley but this is the one i wanted. he is adorable-simply gorgeous yummy yum yum

solar...



the news has been saying that there could be disruptions due to solar flares cast off by the sun, which are headed to earth. i know this has been going on since forever but when we are warned that their could be disturbances in  electronics and wireless servies such as internet and gps tracking it makes me wonder if my porn is not gonna be free flowing onto my computer screen ? ha i am going to complain to the president of the teachers association (PTA). anyway have 5 things going out tomorrow the bowie knife set sold and is headed to tennessee and some mackie tops, a metallic susan graver and a quacker factory. it took me a whole ten minutes to find the purple butterfly cardigan which was in my mother's closet. i know i would be alot more excited but my mom doesn't pay me with cash or product so it is hard to get excited like she does. oh well i am fine tuning my presentation skills to a tee. went and picked up my paycheck at work and of course everyone was there. i walked in and the new manager was like are your ears burning cause we were just talking about you. not my favorite thing to hear lol. was okay gave my mom a little extra to pay for my meds and soups and enough for us to go to the movies tomorrow -my treat to see john carter.  headed to pullman and hit wal-mart first got my usual itunes card and even picked up sam a present cause i just love spoiling my grandson but katie called and said it was too far a drive if she left since it was a two hour drive both ways and it was already 2 o clock. i hate when her and antone fight. he loves her soo much and he adores sam. but what can a mom do ? same with sam's dad shawn i miss him bad. but my girl loves antone and all in all he is better for her why ? because she loves him . anyway my mom leaves for vacation in a couple weeks i am soo gonna throw a party. wait i don't have any friends damn i knew there was something that was gonna stand in my way. my meds are starting to make my pain dull a little but it is still soo frigging raw and all consuming that it takes over my whole perception of the moment. i must go to work tomorrow just because it is bill's last day as front desk clerk. damn i know i am going to cry. i am bringing chocolate cupcakes with frosting and bought a cute card i will get everyone to sign. guess i should bring my camera too. you know how you connect to someone and there is not a damn thing you can do about it well that is bill. he is goofy and fun to talk to and i love how much he believes in god. he is soo happy in love and secure and i go out with those two whenever i get the chance. damn damn damn

ipod purchases,,

devil inside-by inxs
like a g6-far east movement
soldier-beyonce
i'm on fire-bruce springsteen
rolling in the deep-adele
someone like you-adele
family affair-mary j. blige
picture-kid rock/sheryl crow
i walk the line-johnny cash
hallelujah-jeff buckley
cars that go boom-l'trimm
foolish games-jewel
you were meant for me-jewel
who will save your soul-jewel
give it away-red hot chili peppers
fallin-alicia keys
love is alive-the judds
jamestown ferry-tanya tucker
jolene-dolly parton
you'll think of me-keith urban
you've got another thing coming-judas priest


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

sleepy fingers




my dad built this house after he retired and he also died there march 16, 2002
wow i am crazy with the pain. it is maddening. i lay down and start to shudder and for some reason i have the hiccoughs now. i roll on my side and hold my head gently and try not to  scream as tears race down my cheeks and hit the floor. i can hear each one going blop blop. my cheeks are flushed and i can't seem to catch my breath. i twist my fingers around like pretzels all the while i ask for relief. i want sleep to rescue me and carry away to whereever it is i go when i am not awake. guess it is time for my vicadin. i work the day after tomorrow what will i do? i am not ready geez! it sucks doing the correct thing ands showing up for work when i only make $7.25 an hour. i mean 10 years ago i was making $14.01 an hour with the postal service. i feel like i have walked thru a time warp zone into the ice age . i need calm but it is just me and my pillow. i am alone -completely alone.
i just wanna take my bitchy ass self and drive down the road towards troy and go home where you can sit outside at night with the stars so bright that they look like they are holding up the sky. where the coyotes will sing you a song of nature to ease what ails you

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

buy it now..



so my trip to the dentist sucked a big one, but i knew it was going to be horrific. i think i need counseling or something due to the stress factor of having a tooth yanked out of my skull.  so i was sitting in the chair waiting for the novacaine to numb me up and dr. hadley disappears for a second and i try to collect myself for the extraction of a broken tooth and i felt my eyes start to tear up quickly and the assistant looks at me like what the fuk? she hands me a kleenex and asks me what i am  upset about. i tell her truthfully- i am scared. she then acts like that is the strangest thing that has ever happened and then i wasn't soo scared anymore i was annoyed with her lol.  anyway all done now am taking double doses of vicadin and woke up out of a good sleep maybe 45 minutes ago so i am on ebay doing the follow up things my mom never thinks about like productive sales techniques  i do hehe. ebay has the links for us sellers that are ...watchers highest or views highest which i always check first and foremost and once i have those i ALWAYS add a buy it now option. just in case there is an impulse buyer that must have it now. the buy it now option has to be 10% higher than the starting bid  (and of course there is a 15 cent charge ) and it ends the listing immediately. but if someone takes the starting bid the buy it now option is obselete. i need to make a cheat sheet for mom or something so i am not soo involved in the whole thing. as long as i get it up and running she can revise it on her own and besides being mormon she can easily figure out the ten percent difference and add it to the final price because of the tithing she gives to the church. i am soo out of here heading to dream land.

elsewhere...

fear has engulfed my every sense. it has blanketed my ability to function as a normal person, especially the closer it gets to 3:30 pm. i keep having these zings race thru my chest that seem to exit thru my fingers. possibly power surges hehe. so today was a go thru the motions kinda day. like a robot who doesn't think.. anyway mom is telling me to put on a button up shirt so that way it will be easier to take it off tonight when i lay me down to sleep. i wish it was lay me down to sleep time right fukin now. I HATE HAVING TEETH PULLED FUK SHIT DAMN

Monday, March 5, 2012

cassidy...

adele

bzzzz...


i have got to stop saying...I AM SOO PURRING LIKE A VIBRATOR PLUGGED IN A NUCLEAR POWER PLANT geez. just try to remember this is bum fuck idaho. just tell yourself every night before you go to bed that you are a little bit country in your best marie osmond voice. she is mormon you know ..oh wait so are you !! end of story k?

check..

the real reason i don't like to play chess is because the bishop looks like a penis, am i weird ?

Sunday, March 4, 2012

if the light at the end of the tunnel when we die ...is the delivery room
 than how long have i got before it's naked time?

perfectly acceptable..

so i bitch about this or that some of the time. if i blog about it then it is something that is going to push me into a homocidal rage. since i am not surrounded by friends to rescue me from myself..i blog. there is soo much i could say but i try not to make things to personal or just have a mind fuk thing going on such as she is such a slut or i don't know who the hell they think they are cause last time i talked to god he said the whole world revolves around me theme. that kinda attitude is annoying to say the very least. yeah i am down on my luck or love but this is  a form of mourning i guess. i don't really know what i expect from others since i have been gone for soo long being high. i know about chasing a bag and i know about manipulation and criminal activity. you can't just hang out with predators and walk away from them without missing the lifestyle.some of them are soo brilliant especially when you are not sober. the cameraderie is a bonding among addicts. i am not changing my opinion or view that anyone who uses is bad. it is simply not true.there are bad people who use and there are good people who use.

Bones..

Worst saying by a female has got to be...MEN ARE SUCH DOGS. Men are not dogs.They are worse than dogs!  They drool like dogs and want to hump everything they cannot eat.
Dogs are loyal and they come when you call them. Dogs are unconditional love.
Men only come if they call you.
remember that song ..if you are happy and you know it clap your hands

Saturday, March 3, 2012

hey dj put a record on..


sometimes the melancholy of life plays my favorite song

silent musing...



how could my lips silence
 the primal screams
  of my heart?

how could my throat swallow
 this aching hunger
  and dying thirst?

Friday, March 2, 2012

criminally insane..


 i saw this guy waiting to cross the street here in moscow who looked like this crazy person i pissed off last time i sat in judge white's courtroom. my heart started beating like crazy and i had to resist the urge to duck my head or my mom would demand to know why. it is mardi gras here so people look a little off. i had just ducked into the annex for my newest show cause and i was a little early-say 30 seconds lol. i hate standing in front of a judge completely at their mercy should they decide to lock you up and throw away the key for a year. which is exactly what judge white had threatened to do to me if i showed up in his courtroom again. it was packed and they had even brought the handcuffed inmates from county to face charges. i found one seat against the back wall and to my surprise i felt a shoulder rub against mine and i looked into the eyes of a mailhandler i use to work with years back that i had dated maybe two times. i could say one that i had sex with one time but by saying i dated a few times you should assume such things. i smiled back but with the guards in place to keep an eye on the inmates it was hard to even do that. as i listened along with everyone else impatiently cause the handcuffed ones always go first i started to notice something going on along with everybody else. there was this old hispanic lady with a shawl who appeared out of the old country and she sat next to her young daughter in the front row. her daughter was very young and very pregnant and very scared. there was this crazy man sitting next to her that was trying to rub her belly. apparently she didn't realize that here in the states it wasn't upto anyone BUT HER as to who was in charge of invading her most sacred space which was ... her unborn child. IT WAS UPTO HER.i just could not let him intimidate her like that. the poor thing just had no clue what to do and was trembling and teary eyed. there sat crazy guy who was  just your everyday average piece of white trash. the more i focused on her mother who was wringing her hands together and trying not to freak out  the more pissed off i became.  she didn't know how to get this freak away from her pregnant daughter.  i mean we were in a courtroom of the law if anything she should have been fine there. i finally stood up and approached the front row like i was the person the judge had called and i tapped the pregnant girl on the shoulder ...she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and i pointed to my seat in the back row. she jumped up and her mother twisted all the way around watching her daughter move somewhere safer than she patted my hand a few times and i smiled at her. the judge kinda stopped there for a moment but i just looked forward and kept my mouth shut. when they were escorting all the inmates out we weren't really allowed to leave the court room but people started talking and this crazy man turned to me just as it was time for us all to rise again and told me loudly...YOU SURE ARE PRETTY. which i ignored and then  he put his hand on my shoulder and stroked my hair and tried to whisper in my ear. and i didn't squirm away like the pregnant girl did i yanked his hand off me and i told him in a deadly whisper... if he touched me one more time i was going to punch him in the face as hard as i could and i stuck my left hand right in his face in the infamous talk to the hand move and crossed my legs away from him, end of story. half the courtroom behind me snickered and i heard a light approval run thru all us part time criminals  and i had a feel good. until i was out front  of the courthouse waiting for cap to pick me up and i noticed that crazy man- right as he noticed me and i was freaked out when he jumped up and came towards me yelling that i had made him look like a fool. he appeared very angry and schizophrenic or  maybe crimninally insane. you never know with someone like that if they just got out of eastern state hospital and what they are capable of. wanna know how i knew he was crazy..? he was laying on his back on the side walk in front of the courthouse steps looking up and commenting on the panties women were or were not wearing as they walked up and down the steps for court. i was soo freaked out i started to walk the 5 miles home just to be away from him and missed my ride.

don't cry...

don't let your anger ignite any fuses you can't blow out kris. just close the bedroom door and come sit in front of me and let me talk you down from the high ledge you are perched on...she is not use to living alone and with the hectic pace of the move and all her stability thrown into boxes and bags like that did alot to unsettle her. it is not your fault she can't find or remember where things are. you did what you could when you were not working at the super 8 to get this done and over with. you warned her and asked if you could start preparing for the chaos but she was in denial and declined. i know it makes you upset that she got mad at you for suggesting that you guys go thru her things like her closet and make a goodwill pile and get rid of stuff before you brought stuff into the new place. and then you would go to work and work your ass off and come home and she would be mad not at you but herself because she just couldn't seem to get it that it was going to take soo long. you did what you could and more.
i think you know inside that how she would roll her eyes and insult you when you would suggest getting rid of a roll of christmas wrapping paper was a condition of the insanity. but it still brought tears to your eyes. even though you would get up at 6 am to load the truck while she was showering so you could make a couple trips before you clocked into work and the multiple back and forth with your sprained ankle and back after work were too much for even yourself. she has never thanked you. when you guys would swing by mcdonalds for lunch after doing all her work for her she always made you buy your own food..always. i know how hard you worked and i know how hurt you are living with someone who doesn't appreciate you but goodness will come your way. besides maybe you are working off a little karma? so why are you upset about ebay? you know how she is? blah blah blah i know each listing takes at least 20 to 25 minutes of your time and you have done over 300 without her acknowledging it. she has given you maybe 50 dollars in cash when she brought in 3,000 dollars within a couple weeks. she keeps telling you she is going to pay you and after this long you know it is not going to happen. just accept the fact it ain't going to happen. you look at something that hasn't sold in 3 months and hint that it might look good on you and she shakes her head and takes it out of your hands like it would bankrupt her and it is listed at $18 dollars that should let you know she has isssues. she makes you buy anything you want to wear and there is no discount if anything she raises the price. your food card benefits are 200 month you do the dishes and cook food. now she is mad at you cause the shipping rates went up at the post office like you did it intentionally. hell just be calm and let her learn how to take the pics and go thru the process of listing an auction. just be nice about it teach her something before you walk off into the sunset so she has something to do with her time besides put you down k?