hey bidder bidder ...bid

Wow know the next couple days are going to be useless as far as blogging have over 50 auctions going now so flipping through them randomly and i stopped at this one...why? Because i know it would look good on me :) Anyway the auctioneer is taking over my body..uhh i mean voice............
Hello ladies this is a brand new Bob Mackie 100% silk tunic top, size large. The inside label reads 100% silk exclusive of decoration and is dry clean only.Armpit to armpit is approx 22 inches across and the length is approx 25 inches. It is sassy, classy and pleasing to the eyes.. wearable art design. This tunic is designed with color block detail at the scoop neckline, sleeve openings and the bottom hem. It has a back keyhole and button design. It has never been worn or tried on and the colors work with you. The only problem you will have have is what to do with all the compliments it is that gorgeous. i do offer free shipping so if you get the chance check out my other listings and i thank you for looking...

my costume ...grouchy grump witch

monday monday candy fun day....yawning already i am thinking i need to hit the candy bowl or fill up my coffee cup..I know both !! of course got to get the house spotless so it can be ready to show at 2pm am really trying not to get bummed out by not getting but one bite after all the job applications i have put in. but so goes living in a small college town every gas station clerk that works part time is in the process of securing their masters degree in nuclear fusion. have got 54 auctions going right now and gonna get pretty busy after the realtor shows the house. my daughter cassidy is going to be over this weekend and that is the only reason i have a smile on my face right now. it is too early to be grouchy already it is only monday. Maybe it is because i miss my dog chewie dearly i don't know. halloween use to be soo hard on his frame of mind with soo many knocks on the door ..gotta get

showered with shimmer....

I am soo far behind today that in order to appear busy i will be posting .....in my artificial sweetener coo of a voice-

Hello you are bidding on a brand new Bob Mackie "Diamond Shower" knit top, size large. The inside label reads 100% cotton and is hand wash cold- inside out. Armpit to armpit is approx 23 inches across and the length is approx 26 inches.The sleeves are 3/4 length and there are side slits to compliment the straight hem. Also a jeweled neckline with a keyhole back for looking gorgeous. Each accent is sewed on for added security.You don't need to worry about them coming off .You are showered with shimmer and they cascade downward from the shoulder. This top is all about you and your ability to shine. Tags are still on and you also get that extra bag of bling (thread, sequins) it has never been worn or tried on ..perfect in every way. Thanks for looking and if you get a chance check out my other listings as i do offer free shipping

page of my nanny's journal

Alvia was her name but i called her nanny all the same Gosh how i loved her and always will. I could get lost in my missing of her ..i really miss the world that i lived in and knowing that she was close by no matter how far away I was at the time because i could always find her..She was all that was good and i am lucky that i had her for as long as i did. She saved me from myself ...well she helped me save myself- without me actually realizing it . without me realizing it is important because she was NOT interested in taking any of the glory of that feat for herself because she knew i needed to believe in myself even more-that is the true power of love.Anyway found an old notebook with this entry ;

having only one sister and being the only member of the church of jesus christ of latter day saints in my family, i must write my history. I was born 10 june 1924 in what is called the "county line" in whitesboro oklahoma. dr wright wrote it talihina oklahoma. my father William Bankston Fullerton, was short of stature and was born in 1894 at camdon arkansas.my mother Elizabeth Baxter was born 16 december 1907 in sulpher springs oklahoma. she was the fourth child of a family of 11, she was the second daughter.I was the first grandchild and my grandfather spoiled me good his last three children being boys. I got to sit on his knee and sometimes at the dinner table he would hold me and let me eat off his plate. somewhere between the ages of 3 and 4 i swallowed a ring off a razor strap (so my mother thought).she being very scared ran and told my grandfather. HE MOUNTED HIS BIG BLACK STALLION and rode in a run i'm sure the 6 miles to talihina to tell the doctor who said to feed me bananas. grandfather bought a whole stock of banans. you know what i ate for days , until 2 days later my mother found the metal ring in the corner of the room.
rene head was my first school teacher. i didn't appreciate going away from home and spending the whole day with A RED HAIRED MAN TEACHER.it was about this time in my life that i realised my mother and father weren't getting along with each other..there was much quarreling and fussing and at times i and my sister who was 3 1/2 or so would try to play outside or be away from our parents. one day i went to school and refused to eat my lunch cause i was very upset. the other girls at school tried to console me but the more they sympathized me the worse i got. i just clammed up and wouldn't talk for the rest of the day. the name of the school was lone oak in oklahoma. there was only about 15 children in school, first to eighth grade.when i was 6 1/2 or so my mom and dad separated and we went to live with my mother's family and that pleased me.my grandfather had a big farm with lots of cows, horses, pigs and goats. i have always loved haying time. he would hire a group of men to help with the cutting and bailing of hay and some of them would bring their families and camp on the creek that runs nearby, and that meant more children to play with. one of my uncles PRESTON, was only a year older than i. we were great pals he(preston) died at 16 leaving a big void in my life. my mothers father jasper baxter born january 11 1877 died in 1934, born in arkansaw. his father albert baxter. my mothers mother was born december 8 1879 and died 1968. her maiden name was leona wehunt. her people were homesteaders in or near norman arkansas, near the caddo river. some of the wehunts made whiskey for the government
my sisters name is jessie ollivia fullerton she had gold blond hair full of curls. everyone saw her as a real doll she wasn't bashful as me. i had dark brown hair and very shy....

BUT YOU ARE SOO LOVED INDEED MY LOVE FOR YOU GROWS STRONGER EVERYDAY

chow down on this ...little guy

flight...

fuck this i am taking a break...this day is just dragging. mind you am not complaining cause it is a money making day..have only got 3 things ready to ship the cougar, the stetson and a shirt set..:) My ride is here and i think he wants me to climb on his back geez at least that would really be the only place to sit right? not on his face hehe

moooooooo

Patricia Briggs is my new favorite author with her Mercy Thompson Novels. Damn it is really cool how all the misdadventure of the werewolfs and the vampires all take place in pasco . hehe it is like she describes places i have been. I say thank gosh for the library and access to the books or the intellectual instability of my mind would be getting ready to crash to the ground. Went and had another job interview sorta. The minimum wage is low here but now i am starting to feel like i am slapping myself in the face with my work history. Oh Well like my last card means-the wheel of fortune I drew for the future .... my options are spinning faster than the one on the tv game show. But i don't have the feeling of dread boiling in my gut like i usually do. Ma is getting her oil change in town and we have got a busy day planned.I do miss my kids and one of them trying to grab my hand and whisk me away from myself here my mom likes to grab my arm so we can clean clean clean.I love coffee mmmhhhh slowly waking up and I feel close to mother nature. I can feel her caress my face with fingers of sunshine and i can hear the wind carry her laughter as it moves through the leaves in the trees. Hi mom !!! One thing about me and my mummy (ooh she don't like when i use the mummy word, cause it is an ancient term) I think my subconscious was trying to save me all this time by making me believe there is a lady in the lake at spring valley. A maternal water/nature spirit. Fuck it I KNOW THERE IS. She is my armor and she shields me from decay. It seems at times i absorb mental residue of angst, anger , pain and bitter sorrow from anyone who sweats it out in the midst of fever that burns and consumes many a mind. I feel it coat my skin and hair and in the time i lose my ability to breathe. So when i get all used up and totally done... like- take me out of the oven and throw me in the trash.. this little voice starts to whisper in my head (yep stark raving mad I am ) Get to the water !! she will help you. My dad use to fish there every morning before he died and the fish are always biting. And no matter where i swim once i exit the water.....I am alive once more. I am strong like Hercules. .The Osprey glides above me as I float on my back and it there i have the deepest peace almost like i am floating in the womb of existence.

most successful

Okay this is the last one i have ending today ...and don't worry it has bidders...uh i mean SOLD. We have close to 16 things going out tomorrow i should not even be here but i am not about doing exactly as i am told. Besides this one was my favorite one so far for the season. which hasn't really got here yet. Only because the wind hasn't blowed it in. It is not even hard to write up every single presentation anymore it is like my fingers and my mind multi-task without me involved. I have a tendency to win a bidder or two :)

Hello you are bidding on a christmas tree ornament made by cabbage patch.I hate to get rid of it but my daughter is grown now. But I know if she saw it she would take it home. This darling little girl you better put up high on the tree. Because if it is spotted I guarantee you a creative mind is going to keep on trying to reach it.This ornament is sealed and the doll inside is protected with some packaging that i can see.Like all cabbage patch dolls she has the paperwork to her identity..in this case a butterfly that reads...ALEA KENDRA born on July 23rd.She has bright blue eyes and a pink lacey dress on with gold trim, white tights and pink sandals and a small white bow in her long hair.ALEXA is sitting inside this orb with her legs bent at the hip. The measurement completely around the middle of the ball is approx 14 inches and is the same approx 14 inches going around the ball the other way. I do offer free shipping and i thank you for looking.




note- hopefully i got the right pic with the right name because of the different dolls that we have sold. I think they would look excellent as a pair of earrings don't you

the ponte knit dress

from now on when i am oh soo busy being the lister i am going to post a bite of the bait i toss out into the ebay pond..

ahhhh clearing my throat..Hello ladies you are bidding on a brand new
Bob Mackie square neck knit dress, size medium. The inside label reads 68% polyester 24% rayon 8% spandex and is hand wash cold. Armpit to armpit is approx 22 inches across and the length is approx 38 1/2 inches. This ponte knit dress is elegant and comfortable with a back zipper enclosure .The embroidered cutout details accentuate the square neckline and sleeves. All you have to do is put it on and the dress will do the rest for you. The tags are still on . I thank you for looking and suggest you check out my other llistings as I offer free shipping

ground floor...

looking out my window everyday in the morning waiting for my coffee to brew..seems i have become sorta attatched to you. the leaves will be falling down down on the ground. .to be the last of this years longing.. the coat you have to put away ...the coat that is outdated and the one that lies on the ground. the one that knows about you the one you like to have around. the one that never bores you that one that knows your name. the one that is familiar the leaves call your name ..so our time is ending and i know you gotta go hurry and i won't forget you let's watch the leaves as they fall .. before the winter eats you and covers you with snow and i want to thank you for waiting for me to tell you so

magic man

Well not going to be philosophical today because it is monday and if you are going to attempt a grasp at wisdom doesn't it always sound better a little farther into the week ? I say yes....and the queen has spoken. Last night i was in the process of discovering a new show to love "long island medium " and i got a text from my youngest in spokane telling me mommy i am scared. oh fuck i called her right back wanting to know whether to call the wolves in despite the fact i have left papa wolf 3 or 4 months back. I am trying to calm her down and in the process i lost my cool cause what mother can keep her cool when her baby is crying like that ? Not me. Her dad is not there (that reminds me to chew his out for not telling me he was leaving the country) he and his girlfriend are on the way back to spokane from mexico. Of course that made me sit down and out of reflex i asked .."were they getting married ?" NO mama he got best employee of the year at work.i cursed under my breath for asking i really did. Seems daddy's girlfriend's son and his friends were drunk and running around acting all crazy with the knifes they were using to carve pumpkins. I really like daddy's girlfriend and she loves my daughter and takes good care of her during the week. And i know how unruly my kids can be when i am not around to yank their hair or scream at them to get back in line. I tell her calmly to go to her room and shut the door and she is hysterical i feel myself start to panic and tears well up in my eyes..that is when my mother takes the phone from my hand and starts talking to cassidy not to cry that she is not going to get off the phone with her while we figure out what to do. She hands me her secret other emergency phone i call katie no answer ...i call her dad no answer...i look at my mom and as soon as she makes eye contact with me i calm down enough to sit down and think. I call daddy's girlfriends other daughter. first ring she picks up and i explain things without hesitation she says i am on my way. .:) damn i am so getting that girl a christmas card this year or a gift certificate. Everything is fine now and i am so glad. I hope my ex- husband is doing better since he suffered a heart attack...in prison. I left him with our girls and moved up here 12 or 13 years ago from kansas city. We had a business high voltage racing and he had a side interest- he raced top fuel harleys. If he wasn't putting a bottle of nos (Nitrous) on a street bike then he was flying down the track at the speed of sound. There is nothing like the sound of top fuel...purring like the devil's holy spawncat. Nitro methane and alcohol it just tickles the hairs in my ears and makes me crazy insane. Since i started watching sons of anarchy i have been thinking alot of those days..those crazy days.Dancing at the shady lady until he found me and took me home.He was the first man i ever loved and when i say loved it is past tense. Okay i never should have got with a 1% er and had his children. But I would not change a thing if it means not having my girls. ATF and their Rico act snagged him and i must say the world is probably alot duller place. But he is clean now and he cares about the girls even though him and i don't think about each other...doesn't mean i wish him any ill.

blinded by the night

I was taking a break in between dvd movies and chocolate cake and remembered a rare treat i got last year for my birthday. My daughter angela kathleen is one of those girls who is totally immersed in the arms of adulthood and motherhood and had decided since she had just turned 21 in May that she was going to take me to the casino in worley for my birthday treat. Just us two ...and thank god for that because she has the tendency to drive one mad with her obssessive compulsive disorders. I think she is beautiful myself and have no complaints except to slow down. We left Spokane after she got off from work and it was late. But heck they are open 24 hours to take your money. Ahh the joys of losing it all. Anyway she has got the music just blaring and that is how i like it (wonder where she got that from mmhh?) Anyway she is driving like a maniac and it is foggy and i tried to stay out of it cause i knew she was testing me to see if i would bite. I made it all the way to rockford. Now besides the black dark of night we have a blanketing thick fog. I didn't panic i just did my adult in charge thing turning down the radio and said slow the fuck down it is 15 miles per hour ( she was doing 40) and the deer are out there too !! She says in her most prissy annoyed voice mom it just changed to 15 miles an hour calm down. But in her usual ..blow out of proportion anything that mom says defiant attitude she thrusts down on the brake hard and now we are cruising 3 miles an hour .. I told her to roll down her window to get the coat of steam off the inside of her windshield and turn on the defrost and she stops completely screaming now i can't see the road. As she starts to wipe off the windshield with her sleeve her other hand rolls down the window a few turns..and i swear to god i see two DEER right beside her door and another waiting for them on the other lane of the road. I in all my ultimate wisdom know and accept what my daughter can and cannot do...like multi tasking the fog, slowing down suddenly..while turning on the defrost and rolling down the window.I as her biological mother knew not to distract any further. As we were finally in route again i told her and besides katie there are deer that could be grazing close to the road ..As it was close to hunting season and she said to me AS SHE ROLLED HER EYES..yeah really mother... deers? Like i would lie to her just to slow her down. I mean it didn't matter when we got there we would still lose our money so why not enjoy the ride ? With the music blaring and our cigarettes in tow we pull into the parking area at the casino and a single doe veers out of trees and crosses in front of our path. This is what she does...hehe she lurches to a sudden stop and before the car has even slowed she has her camera out and is pointing and hollering excitedly ..."look mom a deer.... I wonder how it got out?
yep that is my dark haired blond

the big bad wolf...

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said " my son the battle is between two wolves inside us all "
One is Evil-It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity,
guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other is Good- it is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness,
benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather "which wolf wins ? '
The old Cherokee simply replied..."The one you feed"

another blow of the candles

I hate birthdays especially when you are over 40 and don't have someone to share it with. It is almost a time of reflection but in all truth it is like my life has not been that productive and never ending. I have been too scared to break out of old patterns most of my life and the choiices i make are the ones that keep me under because that is what i am most familiar with. It is home for me without the usual things most of us keep in our castle. I have always said my home is in his arms because i have always felt misplaced and that is my choice. II know this and my kids know it and even though alot of people are that way it is upto them to actually utter the words---i am lost. Not homeless because i have a bed and a t.v and a closet that holds on my clothes and bathroom drawers that roll out all my disguises :) ah make up is your friend. A quiet evening at home is something that rarely has been within my grasp it is like a rascally rabbit that got away. I cannot blame life for where i am right now and i cannot be broken or useless.I mean come on i have only got a few years left to dust myself off and get back up on my feet while i still look half way decent that is! Because how else am i suppose to trap somebody to distract me away from that feeling inside that runs up and down me faster than mercury in a thermometer ? Fuck the digital thermometer i like watching the red liquid move to the groove of that heat that burns inside of me. I have never known true happiness or the stench of total failure i have always been stuck in the middle ground too dumb and stupid to figure it out. I don't know what side is the right side and instead of figuring it out myself or taking on both sides. because i know i am right I just wait and watch. My temper leads me off the track and i often lose focus from what i am doing by the urge to get in someone's face. I am thankful that even though i have lost a few of the battles and did need to get knocked on my ass that i must win the war. There is v ery few things that i trust. I know the sun will come up in all her glory and i know that my monthly implosion will occur every full moon. I trust time to feed me my destruction on an empty plate. My thirst will feed the hunger. But on the other side of the coin. I have this burning piece of righteous spirit that has never ever ever left me no matter what i do or have done. I know my father loves me dearly and i know i have lived before. I know this is weird but i know i will die in a car crash before i am 20.. hehe i trust the pain but the glory and the belonging or trusting someone with your heart or happiness is too much for me to comprehend. Why give someone that kinda power for a few beats of your heart? I say it is the soldier who fights for the country who does honor right

the cards...

Picked up my cards a little while ago..first time in a long time. I am such a Major Arcana Kinda girl, not really complicated or doomed . Let's see just three today not going with the celtic cross and the number one or past THE DEVIL. and the present HIGH PRIESTESS and future WHEEL OF FORTUNE. Wheel of fortune not very humdiggity just spinning and will eventually be slowing down to stop..Yes I know it is upto me .There goes that maternal mother nature voice inside my head pointing a finger saying where it stops is up to you! But I am like thoth all the way baby. The devil is not even worth acknowledging yes vice and i say evil with my fangs elongated and dripping bloood. I am not going there. Been there done that. How many times have i spread spread spread ? I found this deck ( oh yeah just me talking to myself for no other reason than I technically am the only one capable of keeping up I guess) that has been a great help in learning the I ching. Now the i-ching or the book of changes is so much more complicated with it's hexagrams whewww . I love ancient knowledge i really do. And the voice inside my head must be the high priestess telling me to sit still and wait for the wheel cause where it stops nobody knows but me

here without you..

What is it about this fucking song that grabs my arm and stops me in my track ? Just to turn me into the sucker punch straight to my heart. It knocks the wind right out of my lungs and i can't seem to catch it back. Just like your love

brussel sprouts are not the balls of the jolly green giant r they?

What girl likes her greens ? MEMEMEME . Am caught up in the arms of a decent day :) Lunch was excellent porkchops with brussell sprouts and apple crisp for the finish with a smile while licking your lips mmhh yummy good have a glass of milk kinda meal. I am soo purring like a vibrator plugged into the nuclear power plant.. No that is probably not the right thing to say ...purring like a pussycat !! And I ate my brussell sprouts like they would help my boobies grow even bigger, with enthusiasm mind you. Must have been starving . i wish my daughter would have called and begged to come stay the weekend cause i really need the distraction from ebay. Have 7 things going out and gotta sort out and package have a nice day. I wanted to go eat all you can eat pancakes tomorrow for my birthday but there is no international house of pancakes close by.. ! I finished Blameless the alexia tarabotti reader vice thing i have acquired since i opened the first book a couple weeks ago. Now i have to wait for the fifth one to hit the market in march. Just like everyone else. ME SIGHING SO LOUD sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh cause i miss my diamondback montero so bad on the t.v.

poker face

i wonder if death wears life like a jacket ?

I feel like shit .my ear throbs and my tonsils feel swollen and hard. So what does this mean dear lady? That i must have a cold ? More like am in the throes of grumpy,grouchy bitch.

one ..one thousand

not saying i am keeping track or anything but there is a smile on my face...cause how do you explain yourself to someone who knows you not ? I am sure i could say i know myself that would be a lie....cause if i really knew myself i would have to ask my self why why why? Why do i choose to trick the world with the choices that i make ? And what if i tell myself the reason and i know it is a lie ? If i catch myself in a lie would i let it slide or would i be smart enough not to ask the why? I am inclined to acknowledge my tastes in an abstract kinda way. But what my head is thinking is far different from my heart. I guess i could keep it simple for the basics are the best...mmmhhh my choice of a sexy man besides brad pitt in legends of the fall would just have to the ROCK .i know i know ladies. Gwen Stefani is yummy and large cola slurpees can be the fall of my darkest day. I am not a good liar and neither or my kids but avoiding the truth -i am spectacular at !! I am water and love to to immerse myself in the rivers down many a dirt road. I would rather listen to music than watch t.v. all day. I love to travel and often get lost in a dream. I love watching popping as far as dancing goes probably due to my junior year at port hueneme california. I found that i could not walk by those boys walking that jerky delaysome dance. I love the mountains over the ocean (even though i am water) and i am a lover of the trees. Not a tree hugger mind you in my youth i was such an angel except for the pitch on my clothes. There was actually a few times my mom would call the fire department to get me down. Although i wasn't scared until she came outside and started looking for me. Way up in the avocado tree sigh...least the firemen got to take some of those green veggies back to the station. I hate wearing shoes and i hate wearing bras although i do like stilettos. I have a tendency to lose my temper and like to smoke when i drink. I have a tendency to pick loser boyfriends and i love to work outside . my favorite are the orchids i left in spokane..I have a soft spot for kitties and tears and candy and coffee .my favorite time of year is autumn right before the leaves fall. my favorite holiday is halloween because of the candy potential. I usually have my daughter and a friend collecting and complaining.."mommy i'm soooo cold can we please stop now and go home ? I am just such a hitler at times but i think that pillowcases are the best receptacle for candy collecting. My favorite song is pussycat dolls don't cha but rob zombie and disturbed are often my choice for extended listening. My favorite meal besides porterhouse steak is the chicken manicotti at tomato street. i love pixie sticks and i love wearing thigh high nylons with the single black line down the back of your leg...the black net stockings are gaudy not classy at all-at least in my wet dream. i have always had more guy friends and am so use to getting my way. I am guilty of dropping everything for love and then once i have him of walking away no longer interested. I like being lonely and i don't trust my friends. yea here comes the negativity better get off and walk in the rain

ravings...

The layered look is impossible to get away from especially here in idaho where the winters are soo cold and blustery. What you see is not what you get..because all the faces that surround us of course have their magic mardi gras deception- tivity mask on. I have often wondered if maybe i should go for the one with the band that goes around the back of the head instead of the one you hold up over your face ..that way when i am drinking- my hands would be free to hold onto my cigarette. I do so like blowing smokes rings ...sigh . Here we go again on what i know in my crone stage. Mind you these are just little gasps of something that i know will bore the general public and i don't want to appear to introspective cause that is soo boring. Hell hold on- i better go wet my lips with that red steamy shiny lipgloss that just screams sexy before i start ranting about anything wrong. Why bitch darling when you can just blog it down somewhere where nobody reads it anyway and you can just hit the backspace button everytime you make a mistake instead of using an eraser..i mean hello? People especially females (mind as well start with the boobie people first) have more than one look or layer. You can ask your best friend say uh lissa .." .hey can you help me out with this i wouldn't ask but i really need you...um hand me the hammer that i just dropped" cause you are balanced on a chair in your sunday best and you would do the same for her without her having to ask. And this chic that knows all your juicy secrets and is attempting to put together a hot outfit for herself ..from your closet mind you is like sure..But in her head what she is thinking is FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK rolling the eyes stomp on over stomp on over ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh "HERE YOU GO" and sometimes if you choose to notice and not take it personally which i always try not to do because it will not do anything to alleviate the behavior. I always change too bitch faster than a werewolf in the light of a full moon why? Let me just state that ones children can be part of the cause. So i have started .well about one year ago trying to not think negative thoughts to myself about stupid mundane self-centered lazy ego tistical why waste your energy mean things on the inside of me ...that is a waste of the quiet peace i seek. You know the quiet peace that i use to find in the morning as i drove to work or school or whereever when the day was just starting ? That god allows us to have when there is nothing but oppourtunity to grab if you just stop complaining about the things you don 't have inside your head. i mean what i think i am asking is ..can the silence ever be heard? Or is the silence screaming just as loud as the noise. Cause i bet the noise of the living drives the silence completely mad...like homicidal mad

monsters...

I sorta dig this picture and i wanted to use it to blog about something positive. Only because i have had my weekly quota of negativity and ba humbug emotion. I had to open the window today to let the wind enter my domain and lift up the dementia that has become stagnant on my window sill . I feel like my angst of regret of loss anger bitter betrayl lost love depressing joyful mourning sorrow has been wiped off the slate of my life. Okay simply let's say kris actually had a life. And now that i have moved far away from that life of strife hehe. that in a fit of eager bravado i grabbed ahold of the big erasers and started wiping off the chalkboard that held up my wall. I had those really long erasers one in each hand and now they are full of dust and what do i do? I step back and start clomping them together in a sexy kinda move....the kris is free groove!! Aahhhh but now the dust (chalkdust) has settled in my room it is a fine poweder dust coating that makes me want to get out a long ruler and chop out a line.. Like now i am in charge of the road maintenance and i say we need a passing line__. __ __ __. hehe :) NO ....A SOLID ___________________________________ NO PASSING LINE. that would probably keep you up for a week solid line /

sky is blue and bold

Today the sunshine is burning up the pattern on my wall. It is so bright and full of life i want to chase it down the hall. It must be the music i have playing loud loud loud. Gotta have it booming so i can't hear myself think. Ebay is close to booming the business comes in spurts of great chaos all because the buy it now. Get the things listed and you tell your self okay seven days now left to sell and you check to see if there is any messages and you are like...WHAT THE HELL :) That is my happy what the hell voice..Anyway not going to feel sorry for my mood swing yet cannot give it life this early in the week. Cap is my kryptonite and my dr kervorkian and my day and night. Ahh that is the thing with ex'es they never really leave you. It is like there is always something of them tucked in the back of your closet hanging from the dejected bent metal hanging you gave them ...just to make yourself feel better. God what is so familiar about the pain that i would think to miss it ..that i would crave the tears or anger? I think maybe i will have to go see the vet about a contraption..just cause this bitch needs one of those cones they put on a dog after they do their ears...cause i don't need to be looking and twisting my head back around behind me when that sky is black and dead. I will rule the world i say..i know it in my heart and if i cannot rule the world then i will run my own pitiful life...with that tantilizingly seductive smile and my tightest pair of levi's, of course

cap size ...

when i stop and let the angst catch up with my heartbroke mind. I feel myself crumbling in upon myself. I miss the love we never shared and now that it is gone i am where i want to be if i can't be in your arms. who is gonna hold me when i lie awake in bed? Who is gonna make me want to be better than myself ? Did i really love you ? God i know i do..it is like my heart is still with you and i need it back inside of me. I lose the urge to eat and i don't want to take a breath. It is just too much too handle ...you've moved on with your life. And I feel lost without the struggle that we both played upon. God I only see you laughing in my dreams and i want to grab you and wake up in your arms. I am always with you though i try to not tag along. I wonder if i ever lost you as much as i lost myself ? I know i can never find you without first knowing myself. But the pull i feel towards you is like a magnet to your arms. Maybe i am in love with the sadness cause in truth i was always alone. God how i missed you as i laid awake in bed and then i always left you once you made it back home. To try and make you feel what it is like when you are alone and somehow in the lesson i came to learn my own.

rehab is for quitters..

at least that is what they say..so okay listed 53 things on ebay today for my mom and I want to complain about my finger being pinched in the nerve from adjusting the lens on the camera and my eyes keeps on twitching from looking through the lens each and everytime i had to take a snapshot. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh aren't i a good complainer when i put my mind to it. all about complaining about nothing at all. We have bites already and a busy week is planned i can feel it in my bones . I am ready for paper cuts and feedbacks and oh yes i know ...55% ramie and 45% cotton is the most popular blend it seems to be ....my fingers just typed it out again. I am tired and i am going to head to bed soon after a hot bath and there is one other place i gotta go and i know it just ain't good. King games has my vice ...carnival shootout. My fingers are all carpal tunneled out from listing and backspacing and i will probably get a charlie horse if i take care of myself sexually, they are that tired. But damn gimme back the bullets cause i have got to play

Taste of Divine Melancholy: Sunday is diva loves daddy day

THINGS THAT MAKE ME SMILE WHEN NOTHING ELSE CAN Taste of Divine Melancholy: Sunday is diva loves daddy day

frankenstein

it is like somebody turned on the lights when i wasn't looking or worse when i was out of the room refilling my coffee cup with that jolt of electrical magnitude of the kona kind. I am yawning and kinda stuck in between boredom and wishful thinking. Not a good spot for a girl like me. Why dream and waste energy on the dream? All I need is the music, birds chirping lalalalal and here she comes folks the bride of frankenstein. No pictures pls pls please. Wow is it like i am in mourning for myself and this bitter chasm of emptiness that only an echo can reply..ECHO ...Echo echo oooooooooooo.No not the reason why ! I know that like a puzzle that needs piecing together is all it will take to create something that is on the outside of the box. Did I just say box? Damn girl breathe gravel road gravel road . get off that horse and go for a ride. I want to be Beatrice..the one Dante loves way back when the world was just starting. How he just aches for her to look at him and ooooooooohhhhh fuck it kris you just ain't that way. I am not a cougar or a pedophile although my friends that are close to 40 years often have 24 or 25 year old boy toys . I miss teasing hope that she is my favorite pedophile .I am more like frankensteins bride all pieced together in the dark..a little bit of anger from this relationship and a stitch of love. an eyeball from the looker and and tit from the breastfeeding mom. I am always looking but i want more. I want i want i want to go shopping or out to the casino. Not this weekend but the next weekend all us females are heading to worley for the weekend and the slot tournament . If i have any luck tucked in my back pocket i would just hit the pool. And let the chlorine burn my eyes and make me look like the fool. writing not a word of sense and movin g right along man this girl is waving and hummming a lovesick song....

carpal tunnel...

.Another friend bites the dust.why can't a friend just understand that the girl is in charge of any chance that may come their way. Now I am shamed by an email by someone i care about as a brother.. oh come one dude. Give it up we both know i am too much for you or any guy for that matter! I emailed back sorry sorry but the truth is i actually don't really remember anything that clear except for the dance. and then nap time with clothes on and then puke time ..over and over and over. I really owe him more respect than this shit he came and got me out of spokane when i had no where else to go. He got me out and i let him. Dude deserves more than an apology ..a christmas present. with a naked girl (who is not me) jumping out of a box, yeaaah that might work to save the friendship. not :(
Anyway ebay is having a free list your auction day...today and yep i am stuck in the netherworld taking pictures downloading uploading explaing or no describing and pricing items up for sale. My wrist hurts bad...i think i may have carpal tunnel syndrome and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i so don't need a drink

page turning..

how do you list a taxidermist feat?

This is the next item up for bid...ma says $49 on craig's list. I know nothing about craig's list and this thing gives me the creeps. The Osprey is my totem and has been for along time. It indeed flies over my sexy beautiful body (heheheh) each time I am floating on my back lost on some back river in time. My hangover has regressed to one of those shame things that is probably not going to bother me as much as it should since there was only one witness or two. Oh and the ground I was throwing up on. I don't know where this thought is coming from but holding this feathered beast in my hands I was suddenly reminded of the nuclear meltdown in japan. Why ? you got me. it is kinda funny how nobody brings it up anymore directly cause i was worried that the birds who migrate from various places..such as over there if they lived would shit radioactive shit onto the soil underneath their flight pattern and so on and so on..enough doom and gloom . enough lessons learned about not drinking alcohol..my daughter and her wife jasper are celebrating their 3rd anniversary today. makes a mom's heart all warm and fuzzy knowing that my child found love.

jeger...

Damn if i did...I am wow sick hungover. My stomach and my head are lurchy and cramped from puking. Well least i got most of my hurling done before i got back home. pls tell me i did not turn off the football game (cowboys and ???) so i could dance to holy diver by dio.? Or worse did he turn down the game so i could dance to holy diver? my face should be blushing but i know how well i dance so i am more perturbed at myself more than anything. Jegermeister shots all the way. I am all for grounding myself ...a self exiled time out. It was like the song had been somehow magically empowered to lift me up off the couch and the rest is history . i am so in cognito..

purrrring....

So the cougs lost to Stanford :( I am trying to control my game rage but it is hard. The only good thing about it is now i have a reason to be grumpy. Grumpy is different from bitchy right? I mean supper was uneventful and i was just fixing to head into the kitchen and put some death by chocolate ice cream in a coffee cup and drown my sorrows..Cause chocolate is medicine for the heart, mind and soul. I finished my book and started the third Alexia Tarabotti novel called Blameless and damn if i ain't attatched to it already like it was one of my children or something ? The Vandals football game is starting as we speak and even though I live in moscow where the university of idaho is situated ....who frigging cares. Yes i am a young sweet thing ..a breath of fresh air..i will shower sometime in the future this is good for me it really is. I am self exile and it is pleasantly boring yawning as i turn off this thing and pick up my book

mmmhhh bacon...

Is this the best you got dear girl? Two things going on today so far...one i am so close to completing is finish reading changeless. The 2nd book of the Soulless series by Gail Carriger. About Alexia Tarabotti and her struggles as a curse-breaker and her handy dandy parasol she can take out any werewolf or vampire with. The humor and the praise i have for this author is mind boggling ....I love it !!! Indeed you find yourself unable to put the book down whether you are in the bathroom or driving down the road even operating heavy machiney:) Enough about my social life today is saturday and i was in the hopes of doing something with my unabrow ...because everytime i look in the mirror i see ernie or is it bert off of sesame street? But alas ebay and my mom has other plans for me today. I am chained to the computer until i get her listings up for bid. She is smarter than me though cause she is cooking breakfast for me while i get these on ebay ...AND IT INVOLVES BACON..YUM I LOVE BACON...HAHAHHA BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON .wahhh gravel road kris calm yourself down my gosh you are worse than a vegetarian heheh. i am posting this picture of me in the hopes that someone (even though noone ever reads this blog)will recognize my face or my unbrushed hair or even the background and cum save me and take me .... oh i don't know out to dinner or something . I am old and ancient i won't lie, but i am very immature for my age. help me obee one kenobee .....you are my only hope.

going bonkers ...

I have got to get out in the real world with someone my age before i lose it. I feel myself slipping more and more each day at this same time. Only the the loss and betrayl of a broken promise seem to be the only ones that wait around for me anymore. One is usually on the couch tsking and shaking their head. I get so frustrated being stagnant with winter blowing in I feel a deep restlessness consume my hunger to live my own life the way only I can. The way I am good at. Nothing but thirst at every juncture of my day. Not alcoholic thirst but a thirst that feeds the hunger that I am not where i am suppose to be right now.

mother may I...not

my everyday morning hinges on the coffee brewing in the kitchen..i just gotta have. so i am only on my second cup and i know what that means for you dear folks who never read a blog...my capitlization is not clocked in and ready for work. my fingers are still waking up..the caffeine has not reached my appendages ..and until it does doing two things at one time is just not going to work for me..i am my mothers auctioneer and she can wake me up out of a dead sleep with okay this can go and this maybe ...and sometimes i get flustered and want to throw a pillow at her or lock my door..but i don't dare ! wow pls notice we had a two stroke movement with the exclamation point folks ..yawning just curls my toes at this point of my single life..anyway aunt betty came and picked her up and they are headed to lewiston to look for a comforter and as my mommy dearest was walking out the door i was trying to get all the particulars out of her head. how about this cougar ma ? she says $48 no $45 and then she stops and turns around like she is brilliant and says you know you could list it as ....hey are you a cougar fan ? hahahahah. I must have looked at her funny cause my mom retired from WSU and at washington state university yes we are cougar fans..i said cougar ma...like um the older woman who uh likes to ah sleep with younger men ..cougar ? you should have seen her face it was priceless and she even giggled

snakebite...

Last night by the light of the silvery moon I stood outside in my mortal gloom. heheheh no not really! Forgot to mention what a terrific weekend i had with my kids. We hit downtown Moscow Idaho and actually had a blast. Our first stop after we parked across the street from the line of cops parked at the station was to exit the car as fast as possible and walk away from all those squad cars holding our breath. We had not even broken the law or jaywalked but who knows some of the tarnish that covers every spokane officer who knows if any of them had that kind of fever here. That is all I am going to say. First stop was awesome since I was the one in charge of making decisions and my daughter's boyfriend was driving. ..aaahhh yes i love it when that happens. We ended up in the rock store. I had only five bucks in my pocket and i march right up to the counter like a millionaire and politely ask in a demanding voice to see where he keeps the phenacite and the moldavite. I mean why linger looking for something when you could save yourself the time right? He tells me he will be right with me and disappears so anyway the moonstone has pulled me towards it and wow there is this gorgeous pair of moonstone earrings that dangle with an orb that spins at the bottom of each one. Just about the time I am pinching myself for getting distracted in what I am not there for.... the case I am leaning across suddenly comes into focus all at once and i swear to you that a real rattlesnake tried to strike at me from the other side of the glass. I scream and almost fall on my ass and my future son in law antone rushes over and i say in a loud whisper ...check it out that snake tried to bite me antone i swear it did. We both focus on it and heck it did not move and i started to think okay kris stop being a drama queen and admit that it is fake. It was probably just the air conditioner hitting it just right. the man comes out and calls me up to the counter and explains the last time he had phenacite he bought for a man about a year ago. so i torture myself and ask for things i use to keep in my medicine bag or laid out on top of my dresser..Meterorite yes he has a few pieces why what was i after. I am after phenacite mister...no don't tell him my story. About how many times my meterorite pendant would break the clasp of whatever chain I had it on and how familiar it was to feel that hunka chunka outta space slip down between my tits. I always wore my phenacite crystal i bought it at wonders of the world in spokane when I was in there looking for something i just thought i had to have. I sure use to find all my treasure there ....if anything it was my candy shop. Anyway I had just spent $300 on a tibetan chakra bowl i like to call her a singing bowl cause she would only raise her voice for very few....anyway there i go getting away from my story cause all in all that was such a good day. An empowering day. The clerk at wonders of the world was getting tired of me asking what about this one. .."that's rose quartz or malachite or blah b lah" I knew I didn't want a crytal like everyone else and i didn't give a darn about it as far as double terminated points i wanted something for me. I finally looked in the case farthest from the front and there was this little crystal pendant that blinded me with compulsion to get it .I remember the clerk telling me that is kept over there for a reason it is a phenacite and most of the clerks refuse to handle it because it gives them a headache ..you dont want that it would be used for a wand not worn around your neck. hook,line and sinker lady I held it in my hand and looked up at her and said sold. It was my everything and i was aware that it contained everything i would ever need so i always wore it alone. Anyway the night before at work i was bragging to all the guys (mailhandlers heheh) that i had this meterorite pendant that was soo damn heavy that if i had any problems with anyone i could take it off from around my neck and if i hit somebody in the face with it that it would break some bones. they were like yeah right kris! So my pride got in the way it seems. I have my phenacite on and i am pulling down the mail off the dbcs and i have my meterorite on and when i stand up there goes that familiar feeling of that heavy stone sliding down between my tits. broken clasp and i have no pockets in the shorts i am wearing so in a flash of stupidity i hang it from the chain with my phenacite and later when i am clocking out and i am taking down my pony tail i feel the chain break and they both hit the floor and my phenacite breaks in two pieces and i am flabberghasted and shocked and hurt and i start to cry.. I don't understand and i want to throw that damn chunk of space debris back out to space. I bury both pieces of my broken crystal in the earth at my mom's, hoping maybe that one side will live on... that is what i am remembering as i stood in front of the rock guy in moscow with this dumb look on my face. He wants to know my connection to phenacite because he doesn't get much request. I look at him and smile and antone saves the day. All at once he jumps and screams and runs away! he sticks his head back in the door and says that snake is alive i swear i saw it kris...and the guy winks at me and says yeah you should have seen him move..

ten minutes...of shame

I have often been guilty of giving others a choice of good news or bad news first. I have to because it gives me a sense of power control over them. I also only give those weaker than me that choice...like my children. But if I have to choose I always pick the bad news first. Because no telling how bad the bad news can be. Feed me the dread first and let me try to get it down on my own. I swear with how things go that no news is good news to me. So my ten minutes on the couch are down do 7 maybe 6 more minutes..and with so little time left i share this tidbit of shame :) being of native american ancestry i am prone at times to lose my interest in the rules that govern the general population, especially if i am drinking alcohol. I forget the laws pertain to me. Not on purpose mind you only because I am usually immersed in all kinds of fun . 2 minutes left in this session man i am so good at cutting corners hehehe. ..Okay memorial weekend and i am downtown spokane leaving the atm . Let's just say I was in the process of my d.u.i. arrest . Anyway I am trying to retrieve money at this atm on this one way street and me being untouchable and most beautiful I tune out the rest of the world. It is a sunday night about 1:30 a.m. and I need cash to get my booty back to the bar before last call but the damn atm keeps spitting out my card. I don't realize i am using my library card and each time it rejects it i do this sorta anger rage dance. I am sure it was my tantilizingly seductive anger rage dance cause I am just that good when my stereo blasts away my favorite song. I drop my card on the ground & pick it up and try again it spits it out and i grab it screaming and break it in two. the light at the bank is bright enough to blind me from what is going on around me .My cd starts skipping loudly and isn't it so annoying when that happens ? See all the things leading up to being handcuffed were not all completely my fault. I hear a door shut and cars pass by and I am like wow fuck it I am just going to get there in time to pick my girlfriend up. At that point I am tired all used up. I turn off my music and pull away from the curve...leaning in my glove box trying to find my matchbox 20 and in the blink of an eye there are flashing lights !! I pull into the gas station and the officer walks up to my window and says license and proof of insurance now !!! And I say okay cause I am fine and dandy since i am sucking on a dirty altoid or so I think. Anyway I have one of those gigantic huge purses that can substitute as a suitcase and it is just crammed full of shit. I start digging and looking and he has got his flashlight pointed in my purse trying to help me help myself. I really should have turned the radio off cause a song distracted me....fastway-say what you will. All of a sudden i forget how serious this whole thing is when I find my tube of lancome lipstick halfway down my bag. I start cackling like crazy and purring like a cat. I start talking to my favorite shade of gloss .."oh my god how i missed you flo you are my favorite gloss" and then i did the unthinkable i start kissing it mmmwwwaaa and rubbing it on my face. Think he didn't arrest he right then and there ? Hell yes and I wasn't even that drunk. So now I don't drink that much anymore cause i really need to work on my social drinking skills just like a good alcohlic native girl who ain't that smart to be driving in the first place.

my brother the grouch

Gabriel is so brassy towards me that I do believe i am going to tell mother. Well first I am going to fuck with him and then I am turning him over to ma. Just because I needed a ride a few places today when he had things to do of his own...he acts like i planned it on purpose. I realize he may have had a date with destiny, and it may have been the first female related misadventure he has had in fifty years but I am older and therefore the boss ! As the spinster of our clan it is his responsibility to make sure that my family is not strapped trying to support my sorry ass. What is there to say except that i was in dire need of hairspray..

me lying on the couch

So why do I blog so much ? This is my attempt to purge myself of dark matter. I figure that if i write and write something everyday that pretty soon my subconscious is gonna run out of things to say. Hopefully that will happen soon :) I know the answers that I seek and I know the reasons why. But they somehow need to be unwound delicately from around my throat. Okay maybe not the best metaphoric rope to use so let's move to ...ever wake up with chewing gum in your hair ? One time is all it took before i started to stick that mound of bubble blowing material on the post of my princess bed. Yes aahh the good old days when i had no fun or boobies or problems except what i would wear to school the next day. When my mommy was my world and the pain wasn't eating up who I am like a cancer.I am walking into the living room and i am already crying that whiney "maaaaamaaa..?" I put my hands up to my hair and it is like wow that double wad of hubba bubba is cemented into every lock of my long hair. I don't even recognize the seriousness of it because i haven't figured it out. I lived in pearl city at that time, my dad is stationed in the navy and i loved being close to a water source. Due to me being part mermaid of course ! Anyway I try to run my fingers thru my hair and ouch ! I hear my mom stirring in the other room heading toward my whiney voice. Something inside myself yells RUN..but of course i don't. I still don't get it. The next thing i am aware of is my mommy dearest grabbing me by the arm really hard and sitting me down on a hard kitchen chair. I listen to her talk to herself like she is a crazy person and then she places a mirror in my hand. I am looking at myself and i still don't understand what is happening because nobody has mentioned the word gum. It is only when she has got out the all natural peanut butter and has lathered up her fingers in the oil that is on top of the spread and has attempted to disengage a single strand of naughtiness that I UNDERSTAND. ..i squirmed and cried and complained the whole time and guess what she did ? Damn right she cut my hair off. I would have done the same thing if it would have been one of my girls only sooner. So all this mess is my own damn fault. Some could say it is your parents fault, but I do not. I know that moving soo much with my dad in the navy was hard on me ....really hard. I have alot of first days stuck in my back pocket. Girls are such bitches when you are the new face. But the guys will always come forward and introduce themselves to you. Yeah the guys that are the boyfriend of the girl that is the biggest bitch and all this you didn't know. You know what my ten minutes are up so maybe tomorrow we can move a little on..Anyway here is a picture of the medicine i gave myself yesterday in the kitchen. And damn it was soo good. Homemade pineapple upside down cake with huckleberries yum

going going..gone

Well the chaotic insanity of the youth walked out my front door close to half an hour ago. I am so tired and mentally exhausted from the excursion I decided to cancel my flight and reschedule for the next available opening. First thing i did was grab all the spongebob and other misc cartoons and put them away with the rest of the play gear we keep on hand. It is for our own sanity that we keep them occupied anyway we can. I am watching I am legend with will smith and am purring like a pussycat sitting in the warm sunshine. Ahhhh waiting for the last ebay auction to end for the day 47 minutes and then getting set up to play and play...Have alot of packages going out tomorrow to the netherworld. Which have to be packaged and labelled and blah blah blah. Weird seems like the Quacker Factory line is not doing as good as expected since jeanne passed away..Now it is storybook knits and that is even beating bob mackie out also.

middle ground...

Me and cassidy are laying on top of the bed and we are watching new moon. You know the twilight series story. And it is so damn good. There are no words to say we are spell bound ...caught up in the spell. And if there is one thing we can both agree upon is that JACOB IS FRIGGIN SOOOO CUTE, A HOTTIE, A SEXY DISH OF DELIGHT, A TREAT, A NATIVE WARRIOR STUD, A PRIME CHOICE OF MEAT, A TOP PICK, A DREAM OF THE WET KIND, A SCRUMPTOUS MORSEL. ...i want one i need one ..yes - i like that dirty dog

home team...?

If I close my eyes... it seems your face pops up on my inner screen. The movie screen of my life..my eternal journey for immortal strife. The popcorn is too salty and the thirst is strong. I sit in the only empty chair in the entire place. I am soo tired of the race. Fuck what is playing now on the big screen. I would rather be in the free seat assigned to me and watch the show from the same ole place. That is the place I feel at home. Lost in motion covered in the darkness like a baby. I cry like a child and laugh like a kid. I know what's coming and it's crazy. Just how I like it ..the credits are rolling up on the screen. Always these words rolling up and down. Is it a warning that time is running out ? I will write them down now and in time figure it out....."if mankind cannot fufill his destiny all shall be lost...a great dishonor will be the only distinction of a wasted existence. For it was once believed that redemption would be the only outcome, in many a mortal endeavor. You are not forgotten. He is not the one punishing you. Your hardship and struggles are what you demanded to prove your worth. and yadda yadda ...Do not be fooled by reality. It does not exist at anywhere or at anytime. It is nothing more than the playing field. Nothing but the odds, you see it is the numbers which trigger the outcome. The numbers never lie..the days and years, even the number of hairs on your head. How many tears have fallen and ran down your face ..to how many lifes you will ruin and disgrace. It is the simplicity that complicates the game.Nothing you have been given to ease your plight into mortality has worked or meant anything at all. Life is not a free ride...not at all. You are misery of the finite kind. A stench of animal ..a putrid wine. You are like a dog nobody wants anymore. Left outside and only fed to shut you up.It is your fecal thoughts that rise up and shatter the peaceful quiet of heaven like glass shattering our view of you. I am the voice of many. I am the voice of one. I can keep repeating what must be undone. Who am I? I have no face or body . No memories that exist. I am no more than a fleeting thought.So powerful the longing of his love, I was given birth..enlightened state.We must co-exist together because we are related by "His" immortal thought. We fit together on the same playing field...at different spots. We are not the cheerleaders waving our hands in the air yelling gogo go gogo! Cause you are losing the game . The only game that matters you are throwing away. What do you know about destiny little girl..u gotta play !
Over the years it never changes. Is my life so stagnant that it becomes impossible to be anything but sidelined? There is something that watches over me that is for sure. And it is good good good. All this pain and suffering can't hold me under anymore . If at all possible I ask for one thing from you lord in heaven ...a sign? From nature cause I am weak..? I will be looking to the east. I will look at the stars and the clouds . I will look at the trees and how they move in the wind. I will be looking at the earth. what I really should be looking at is me..but I am sucked in a wormhole in inner space..outerspace

working against myself...

This is one of my nocturnal beasts. All I did was quietly walk by him and he jumped up all crazy and pissed off. He knows better to act like that especially to direct it at me ! Now worry has climbed on my back ..and is whispering in my ear. I am trying not to listen to the words that are very clear. He better not blow fire at me or I will hose him down. I love my horrible beast though and i want him not to be soo mean. He is so moody lately and it is not good for him. He has a temper . I know what is bothering him and I am hoping for a cure. If anyone one out there has some female dragon booty for my guy I know it will fix him for sure :)

kiosks from hell...

Kay I am in the process of applying for jobs simply because of the fact that i am in dire need of adult conversation of the non-sexual kind lol. The week before last I must have turned in 8 applications like a good monkey. And now I am going to sit in front of the kiosks and apply at the source. Headed for wal-mart and Safeway with my grand master cheat sheet to copy off of. There is something about it that irritates me ..I like being able to sit quietly away from the hustling customer traffic and go at my own pace. I miss being a mail handler for the postal service on the docks. Those guys were my companions ..it was the clerks that Ummmm i am going to shut my fingers down .No use complaining about it now. My last job was at the casino but those are all soo far away from here..sigh gotta get on my horse right now and head west bye To all the cruel employers in the world I am the best employee that you will probably have .

baby steps..

How often does a pair of little baby feet like these stomp at birth? Leaving deep burrowing prints in the snow or sand ? It has been 3 years since I kissed these toes and I am telling you life grows and grows and crawls out of your embrace and picks what he will grab onto for a second or twp. Don't you think that a newborn baby is the closest thing to pure that we will ever know. The closest thing to God that stills our breath and humbles us at the same time like nothing else can. Cause all this pain and suffering we wear like a coat is something we put on to protect ourself from the storms of life. But the gift of a child is for everyone it is empowers us at the source. there is a burning innocence in the cooing of a tot that dries bitterness right up. You believe in the power of right once more and you swear to defeat all the bad in the world if it were your own. And the only thing you require for helping them is a big wet sloppy kiss on your face or a grin or giggle when you shudder and grimace and holler is that a pooopie diaper and they laugh at you.

sleeper cell....

Add another log to the fire jim-bob while i try to explain something about pain. There are so many different faces to pain that you really cannot expect a straight forward answer. Pain is guilty of hiding it's tears behind many a mask so in order to survive..the game that is. But the rules always change and the game always ends in failure. Tears of anger ....tears of shame...tears of laughter...tears of pain. They are not the question you want to ask why why u crying ? who hurt u kris ? more simply put they are a symptom of the disease . The disease of life which is fatal. There is no cure for life. Life is the disease . We are all on borrowed time. What we do and who we are is not going to cure us down the road. It is like we all have been told that we will die one day. But what we do with that fact is why we stay. Some people believe they can race time to the finish line. I say walk and enjoy the view. You and I are different my pain has mutated into a gnarled tree root that lays under the surface of fertile earth. It is there alive...my tree of life will survive the harshest winter. My blood has adapted for survival indeed I love the brisk ice air .I could be broke from my heart suffering or twisted in deformed agony. But my body is not broken, even if inside my mind is And even if my mind is ....my spirit lives ! I refuse to wear a nametag with battered spouse or whatever i was at that time in my life. Who needs a nametag anymore when all I need is a smile on my face. Yes some would say counsel poor girl and I would say I am not listening to myself relive dysfunction of the physical kind. That it is sleeping right inside my head. All cozy and warm in a blanket close by the fire. No don't wake it ...let it lie in slumber cause I have got some living left to do. My pain is like an unruly kid that need discipline and time outs if they are going to reach maturity without ruining everything. So you soothe it to sleep and tip toe out the room and you tell yourself that you are gonna find a place to call your own and that is what you do

smile my little baby

your momma loves all of you

carnival shootout

Gimme back my bullets I am humming under my breath...only because I don't know all the words.Had a most delicious weekend. I am soo smiling and happy as I post this thinking back to all the things I done. Today feels like monday and I just can't seem to focus and get anything done. So I have to confess to none of you just exactly what I've done. Instead of listing every auction for my mom like I'm suppose to do. I wander off down the road not far away from here. I hitchhike to king games and I do it every day. And there they have the game I just gotta play. It is all about guns and targets and shooting them dead. Like bye-bye all gone ! So instead of being where I'm suppose to be I am lost in lala land stuck in a game. It is the only game that makes me lose my mind because it is so easy. And the rage seems to find me and laugh in my face. that is when i am crazy when i miss the shot. What do i gotta say about it ? ...I CAN MAKE THAT SHOT. .gimme back my bullets and let me load my gun..run you rascal rabbit cause here i cum

angela kathleen...

I am thrilled that you are coming home to see me. I am soo excited that I know I probably won't be able to sleep the closer friday gets. Yes bring your family so they can meet your granny and let the fun begin ! Granny wanted me to let you know that if you guys want to attend church with us for antone to bring some slacks. I know we can dig in my closet and find something terribly classy and sexy for you though. Wow did I actually say sexy for church? Well looks like mom has got a time out in the corner my dear...shit! now i've got two hehehe. I am soo calling you on thursday probably 20 times..:) I gotta get back to the auctions on ebay and don't hide the fact you smoke cigarettes from grandma it will just be easier that way.K?

bubble button baby pop...not

ahh the evil wicked witch stole my baby and in the middle of the night I jumped the fence into the nightmare realm of dark and nasty. I poured dish soap in her water supply and when I woke up this morning there was a daughter hanging from the bird house. She isn't my little one and I want to send her on her way. Back home to her parents but I have no money for gas. So I was wandering if anyone out there in the real world recognizes her face? I am not going to pop her but send her your way ! The wind will help blow her in the right direction so she can come home and play!

monday the day after the sun...day

Mom should be back from her weekend to Seattle any second now. I am working on not cringing at the sound of the garage door opener... doing it's thing. Cause as soon as she left I ran over and locked the door. Then I slipped out the back slider and lit up a smoke. I started coughing like crazy & put it out in the planter and went back inside. It must have been an hour before i smelled the smoke ! I opened the blinds and fell on my ass. I ran outside and grabbed the hose without turning it on. I lost so much adrenaline putting it out. That I stayed pumped up and juicy for the next few days. That is the picture that is my dread. That is the reason she will send me to bed.What did I learn That smoking is bad? Not happening never that. My 45th birthday is this month eeeks .Just think in ten years I will be five years from sixty heheh.. That is just how girls think . I almost give up on getting a good present to getting back home. Is that a sign of wisdom or giving up? I just don't appear to have the juice inside me anymore..the elixir of life. I thirst for life I really do but hand me a cup and I will turn my head. I don't want it anymore. There is a voice inside my brain that is screaming at my soul. But my heart is not listening . It is like my soul covered my ears going nanananananannanan AMNOTHEARINGYOUIWOULDRATHERBEDEADNANANAN .I get this feeling I can't explain. It is like a verbal encoding meant for me - like a morse code to me ....from me to me .He waits and he wants and he waits somewhere. You think you are tired you think you are worn..? Oh pretty baby you don't want to live no more? You are the one who made the pledge. You vowed to serve him.. you vowed to pray. The angels are singing the angels believe the angels will lift you up on your knees. Oh pretty lady get on up ! The Father so loves you he gave up his son. He is not punishing you in this life. Never forget that ..you wanted the strife. You are so close and soo far away. Listen and hear the words I say...You must finish the journey to prove your worth. So dire is his suffering so bad is his pain...that a piece of him is suffering..that a piece of him dies. So Great is the Father- Our Immortal King !! This is your choosing -a blink of an eye ! What is the use in suffering if you aren't going to try? You are the one that came from his his soul. The one that he longed for and the one that he loves. I am a creation because of you. I am his worry. a fleeting thought given life by the creator so powerful his love... Come on dear child get up off the ground !! This is not happening this world is a ghost. The longing for something that fills you with dread, that fills you with hope, that gets in your head. I can give you something to ease the pain. The ache that you are feeling that you cannot explain that is what consumes you and drives you insane..It is more than you are it is more each day. It is immortal agony that festers inside. Like a boil that is cancerous it will consume the ride . A part of him he put in you .A piece of something to save your soul. a genetic marker that has no clue..An immortal gift ..a righteous spark. I am the one here with you. Trapped with the living but doomed all the same. I will never leave you... I will never go. We are sailing and you are the ship. You are the vessel out at sea Lost in the motion, far from the shore Searching for something you can't explain I will not leave you or abandon ship.. I am the captain..I hold the key Together we must find him and there is our home. I am inside you and you are with me. I have the the answers but not the voice. Your memories of pre-existence were erased from your mind. To save you from thinking about what you lost. But the memories found you and drove you mad. You see the lightning . You feel the rain...the angels are crying because of their doubt. Indeed the heavens are watching the end of it all. .You sail the seas and you ride the waves looking for the eye.of the storm ..looking for something that is inside of you. The eye of the storm is a metaphor can't you see?. You long for existence of God's holy light. You charge without thinking you know that your right.You march into battle to win the fight My child your destiny is straight ahead ....stay the course !

Tank....I need a programmer

Remember the Matrix ? Inside the mind is the problem. I must have a glitch..lost somewhere in my motherboard. A glitch that needs replanting- in a forgotten patch of me. I need a programmer with a  methodical mind and magic fingers. To take care of me. To soothe my aching muscles and lay me down to sleep.Cause the oracle has spoken and sealed me to my fate. Tank ....are you listening ? Tank are you there? I need a programmer...

lost not found..

The day I lost you
I lost my grace
I lost myself
I lost my face
I lost my spot
I lost my place
I lost my coat
I lost my way
I lost my faith
I lost the night
I lost the day

inspired inspiration i give to you
s.a.davis

Thank you dear friend for tagging along..I more than needed that ! See it is not impossible to have fun . Just because you have a college degree and high paying job doesn't mean you are not allowed to hang out with losers lol ! And that was humor k? Cause no matter what casino you show up at there is bound to be one or two or three. Like that lady who approached us and said....I hate asking but could either of you spare any change or how about a dollar ..cause I need to be actively playing when they announce the next hourly winner. I am sorry i hate to ask but i was holding out for a shot at that..do you have anything ? Notice how i did the are you kidding me thing ..i looked at you and you looked at me. And she just stood there like we were friends... she didn't walk away. I wanted to cover the screen so she couldn't see how much I was up. I know you were having fun in spite of yourself and so i sighed and said i think i have a dollar. You always have to sigh so they understand that you are not an atm. Like I was going to stop playing the penny machine i was on and cash out and then leave my spot and wait in line just so i could hand her crisp one dollar bill hehe. Hell her chance for the drawing would be over by the time i came right back. So i said yeah i have a dollar, i think. And to have dig around in the tight tightest jeans hurt my fingers. But i only had a twenty and five dollar bills of the multiple kind. I was stockpiling the fives to feed your machine lol. I should have took a picture of the green green green. The wad in my front pocket looked like a wadded up sock. You were adorable to watch like a child. You are healthy and strong, not infected with the sickness yet. It is contagious, you know . It starts with the fever and then the cough. The cough is a symptom you try not ignore Indeed you don;t see it unless you know what you are looking for. It happens when you ask someone how much did you win? They cough into the hand and you miss the answer. I laughed out loud each time i would look at your game and you were only betting 10 credits. But we took care of that little issue huh? Lady Luck calls my name and wow the dreams I will have when i hit the sack are going to be wet dreams.. of the drooling kind. I never win like that on every machine ..well every other machine. The Casino in lewiston was small, it was tiny. Jackpot party was like boom boom boom and one spin was $48. And $24 from the last 3 credits I put down.then $50 bucks when we first went in.
i know i will stop bragging and shut the hell up .. Thank you for the ride and the gas. It is okay to survive the trip to sin city. It will never follow you home and climb in your bed , wanna know why? cause the money is gone and the lights are low and this is idaho don't you know. Here comes my attempt to show you how intelligent I am ready? Yeah all those years with the postal service and zips i know ..83501.. thank you dear lord see i know something better than you. I am so smiling right now.

humming meatloaf song..

CDA Casino ...Boy what's it going to be?