Friday, April 30, 2010

I'm a little bit country..


I'm fertile ground....throw any kind of seeds onto my soil and it's grown. Just like that. My tears are like miracle grow if you like it big and strong. I am a little bit country I am always hummimg into the wind. It is like the city feels like a weed. It is like a weed you can't quite grasp by the root and yank out, cause it is as big as a house. The toxic poison that is life has immunity..in a foreign land. On native soil I stand, with my toes dug in the dirt. It feels so damn good the earth on my skin. I am all about the mountains, the trees and the air. It is the cool mountain mornings so pure with the taste of freedom that tickles the back of your throat with longing. You cannot find anything like it in the sand or by the sea.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

darkness of the dream..

I feel the trees ache to protect me. To shelter me within their limbs. A voice is screaming out a warning.. the leaves are shuddering to the ground. Like tears they are falling and then at once they are gone. I stop and look around..I know it is a dream. Oh Lord what is this darkness and why is it after me ? I hear the wind racing to be at my side. And with her invisible fingers, she is holding out her hand. Something has a hold of me and yanks me from her grasp. And I am quietly falling down down..into the darkness where there is no air. I feel myself trying to reach the surface..as my lungs burn up inside. My leg twitches violently. Waking me up in time to scream..

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

face in the mirror..



Boy another long emotional day. If I had any invisble friends I would ask for a hug or a kind word right about now. I feel like this and then I feel like that. Like a yo-yo up and down. I wish the string would break and I could roll off away. But not in the cards for me. Guess I could give myself a reading but already know it won't help.Nothing will except for shopping and a cola slurpee. When this picture was taken, Cap and I were up at Newman Lake finishing up a job. Feeling good about ourselves cause we were accomplishing something. I use to finish up the workday by jumping into the warm lakewater before we left ..so I could rinse my skin free of sawdust and sweat. Besides I hated letting the neighbor's down. What is a girl to do ? Fuck I feel dark mood coming down. I think I am going to walk to the goodwill by wal-mart and see if I can find something to cheer myself up with. At least that is what the voice inside my head is telling me...and take a twenty dollar bill.

Tank... I need a programmer


Remember the Matrix ? Inside the mind is the problem. I must have a glitch lost somewhere in my motherboard. A glitch that needs replanting...in a forgotten patch of me. I need a programmer with magic fingers. To soothe my aching muscles and lay me down to rest. Cause I am getting old and bitter.... while the world forgets my name.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

bits and pieces..


Wow our computer goes down and at first I get frustrated and just keep trying over and over to figure it out. Then I shake my head and walk away, lost a little. It is with almost great reluctance..I return to my throne.This is what my mind was throwing out at me yesterday..

1. I must have had a wet dream last night,
I woke up thirsty !
2. Why does love go astray? It is like you are cruising down the road of life..just the two of you. On the open road...actually "getting" somewhere. To the destination, where everyone gets out.
3. I wonder what would happen if my mind was free ... as a bird. What cage it would find.
4. My eyes use to adore you and keep you close. So that my heart had something to hold onto, during the long cold night.
5 Osprey, Osprey..set me free
Floating on the water...looking up
Lost in emotion..empty cup.
6. If life is complicated and love is hard
sounds like monopoly
count me out
Unless you need a banker
or a realtor..holding all the cards
7. The WIND- No matter where I go, she always finds me. Softly caressing my face..with invisible fingers.
8. Today or tomorrow..I will find time and feed it quiet for lunch.

Monday, April 26, 2010

In jealousy 4/27/2005

Before I knew of her treachery,
adulterous betrayl
Before I cut her out of my life,
and tossed her in the trash
She was a part of me,
I forgot to watch
I was jealous when
she caressed your face
I was jealous when,
she kissed your lips
I just could not reach
She must have seduced the wind
My hair fell in love with you first.

the mist..april 7,2010


Okay I really should not post this picture of whatever is shrouding me...on line. I do not smoke and I am not cooking. I have many of these pictures, all taken at Cap's house. All when I could not breathe. There is a sickness there. It follows me and wraps itself around who I am. It does not let my fear or anger escape my body...it holds it in around me. It is the same thing over and over. Maybe there are spirits or maybe it is the residue of emotional trauma. It is not for me to follow or try to fix..or even understand.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Goliath..


This is Goliath. He is my most precious ride. He is very high maintenance.Worse than my three daughters put together. Did I say worse ? Damn what is wrong with me ? I meant better ....at being high maintenance. He is always hungry. He loves Gnomes .He doesn't breathe fire yet . Thank God cause with his temper things would be mighty hot here. Like burning hot. He wants to go outside and bask in the sun. But I am afraid he will fly off. Whatever shall I do- to make him mine ? I guess I am his pet. He is staring at me with his emerald eyes all aglow. The sunlight is shining thru the blinds charging up his life force. Gold shines off him and burns my eyes. It is a warmth I have never known, I want to bask in his glow. At night I am Moretta the dragonrider of Pern. This is the breeze you feel on your face..when I am above you gliding through space

Thursday, April 22, 2010

no question about it..


Miracles never cease do they ? I smiled into the wind yesterday, before the first drops of rain fell. I woke up this morning and I made hot tea instead of coffee. After I looked around my cluttered stay ...I turned off my phone and I walked away. I was going to wander down the hill..But a charlie horse pinched me hard on the leg. So I cursed my luck and headed out the other way. To the back yard and eeks look who I found. A warrior prince quiet and noble. His hair was fluttering with the wind and my stomach went down for a ride. i was thinking he was lost.. but after watching him sit so calm and at peace i do believe that i am keeping him

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

look what the tide dragged in..

Whew, I was right in the middle of having one of those got alot done nothing blah days, and I felt the wind blow through my hair. I was staring out the open window wondering how much longer I had before the first drops of rain fell. It must have snuck in through the window, slipped in past the screen. All of a sudden I felt a chuckle inside of me just like a contraction when you are giving birth. I knew there was no stopping what can't be stopped, so I let it free and began to focus on my breathing. It was only getting harder to hold onto and I knew there was no stopping it. I let my imagination focus to the source with an expectant glow of warmth that freed my soul of the pain of which I didn't know....It was a rainy day and slick out. Me and my daughter Katie were on the south hill at Albertsons and I had my shopping cart full of groceries while I stood in line at the butcher block. See I am already starting to chuckle..Anyway you know how kids are, well my daughter went to retrieve something she thought she had to have while I waited- ready to go. There was a big sale going on ..I think it was the 99 cent a pound chicken breasts that had me stuck in place. There was 4 or 5 people in front of me and an even longer line behind me. In fact we (the line) were blocking traffic on the back wall. I look up when I heard my daughter say "mom" and in her hand she is holding a box of tampons . As she rounds the corner she slips on the wet floor and tries to catch herself ..... before she goes down ! Her long legs slide under my cart and I yell SAFE. The whole back of the store starts roaring. We all laugh so hard that I actually can't move to help her up. I laughed so hard I had to leave my cart where it was and exit the store. I could not have normal conversation with katie or anyone for that matter for the next six months. Because I would just stare off and start laughing like a lunatic

s..crying ball...


I am chained to the computer chair,,the links wrap tight around my muscular leg. My sexy ankle... chaffed with the longing of tenderness. Ebay is my lovers name. I list the words. I state the price. The auction spins me around in my chair. Like a top, I spin so fast....round and round. Twice outside to gather sound. The auctioneer and his bag of tricks. Call me crazy call me dumb...call me greedy..call me FUN ! Find me @ ebay -evergreen899

Monday, April 19, 2010

see thru...


What is going on in my head? Am not having a very good day. I tried losing myself in the weeds I was pulling next door. I tried not by being a whore. I tried ..I lied..I cried. I don't know myself anymore. What is it about being without him that makes my heart ache so bad? I could have bent a little and stayed. But I left because he cheated with my best friend. I probably would have stayed if it wasn't about the cheating. If he would have smacked me or screamed at me I would have my home. I lost touch with my roots. My home was always found in his arms, no matter where we stayed. I feel so damaged and ugly. I have no room to grow. I feel like the weeds in our garden blocked out the sunlight that grew my soul. I know a little rain never hurt anything, besides the sun is shining now...who am I to even know?

Friday, April 16, 2010

uniontown







morning coffee..

What a trip, it seems I never post. Aahhhh chooooo ! Did that seem like a good enough sneeze to you? Wait I forgot nobody reads my masterpiece, so if you excuse me for a second.."bless you Kris" And of course i have nothing to say to that cause I am trying to hold the next one back. I awoke about 6 am and got my rested body out of bed ..half past! It is the only time me and my mother have together. When the day has not started yet.. it has not picked a way to go. My only scheduled maintenance is coffee...gotta make some coffee, yawn. The weekend is here and the sun is shining in Moscow Idaho. One complaint though when I moved back here after my breakup I did not realize I would be the oldest female alive in this place. It almost sucks. Brillant young mind everywhere...please summer send them home! Back to where they like to roam. I believe this summer is going to be hot and dry. Fires along every road, especially when smokers toss out their vice along with the words of a forgotten song. The snow forgot about us this year. It must have been my gray hair that sent it ..into another's arms. Why does evrything revolve around me? I have the Miracle Bra on. My only redemption in this male dominated world. Thank God for boobies..that at least gives me something to work with. At least while I have my shirt on, haha. Cause the miracle is what goes on under the shirt. The heavy infrastructure of what it holds is the illusion that I'm talking about. What I'm holding onto..

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Simply a-MUSE..d


Well it is official after a couple years I have actually remembered my password..Man talk about your blond moments. I am laying back now calm, cool and not collect when it comes to my life. My how things change when your old man and your very best friend hook up when you aren't watching..yes, there is an evil grin on my face as I blog this.
What now? Well Worley this weekend with my mom and aunt Betty. Shrimp and Slots..these are a few of my favorite things. I am trying not to feel sorry for myself and I am trying not to be too angry, cause if the truth be told I was not that happy with Cap. I will get over it.
I have no inspiration to blog about..nothing to wake me out of a dead sleep. No muse to breathe life back into my blue (but sexy glossy) lips. The only thing I find comfort in is baking and cooking evrything my mother use to feed me growing up. See she is on a diet and I hear the conversations she has with herself before she leaves for work. That she is all about her diet soup for the rest of the week and that is just how it is going to be. So I start thinking and the next thing you know we have homemade this or that, just getting out of the oven whenever she shows up for lunch or gets home from work. Today was potato salad and oatmeal cookies..yesterday was baked chicken and chocolate milkshakes. Oh and can I say the chocolate milkshakes were mmhh good! Better than sex good.. well maybe not better than that. Is bedtime am so tired. What am I jamming on that is so friggin loud ...Drowning Pool 's let the bodies hit the floor ! What??!!