Monday, July 6, 2015

Taste of Divine Melancholy: william blake-songs of innocence

Taste of Divine Melancholy: william blake-songs of innocence

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

forget about it

I haven't really come that far. I stopped what I was doing and chose a different path. There is a difference between doing something with your life and not using drugs. I stopped moving after I became an addict. I was going too fast to get anywhere. One day I looked in the mirror and I cried and cried. I had nothing. Absolutely nothing that was mine. I was empty.I got some drugs. I can't say that life is so much better now that I am clean. It's not. But what did I expect? I was gone for twenty years. The world outgrew me. It was awesome wonderful to know I had no drugs. No feel good to soothe me anymore. And what? I have to find a job? Where? I'm not ready. Why doesn't anyone understand that? For the first time in my life I know what it feels like to be be alone. Oh wonderful I am now employed and have to wake up early each morning and go to work. I am 47 years old and respectable because I have a job? Fuck you Idaho and your minimum wage. I make $7.25 an hour and no matter how many hours I work it will never be enough to get my own place. Do you know how that feels? I need space and quiet and clutter. If there is clutter it stills my mind. Why do I have to put on pants and shirt? I am use to walking around in my panties. I miss that. In the back of my mind I actually believed I had a purpose. That I was special in some way. That if I quit meth somehow God would reward me. I was hoping for love. There is no feel good in love. There is no feel good in drugs. There is no feel good in friendship or work. There is no feel good in nothing. I don't want it anymore.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

The question...

He turned all the way around to face me. I stopped what I was doing and watched him. He was trying to think of the right way to approach me. I was curious, so I went back to my scratch ticket. I looked up and there he was staring into my dark brown eyes. Boys are irritating. Especially when they are acting all sweet and polite. I said, "What?"
 He cleared his throat and said quickly, "Don't take this the wrong way k? You and I haven't known each other that long. But I do know you Kris. There is a sadness underneath your smile. A secret that you can't share. I understand about the past. Well sort of. We learn from the past. Hopefully we learn from it and move on. Why did you move here? What are you running from? It can't be that bad. You are a good person. I know it. You have friends and family here maybe it's time to stop running and give your self time to heal."
 I smile and pull my long dark hair out of a ponytail for no reason at all. "What makes you think I am running from something?  I don't talk about Spokane because we don't have that in common. Why would I talk about things and people you don't know. I keep to myself. I go to work. I come home. I don't have to be anyone I don't want to be. I think people are fake and it bores me. That is the sadness you see underneath my smile. I assumed that the clean and sober society would be different from the one I left. But it's not. People deal with different issues in the same way. They contort themselves around the hurt and pretend everything is okay."
 "You are different. Someone really hurt you. Did you lose a child? What happened? Did you get out of the mental ward? Are you on medication. Cause you have a positive vibe. It's like the life is draining right out of you. It is pouring out of your eyes. Don't give up. What would you do? If there was one thing that YOU could do that you have always wanted to do, what would it be?"
 I whispered immediately under my breath, "Rehab. Inpatient. Somewhere far from here/"

Friday, November 15, 2013

havoc

Don't you know the havoc you have caused by being the one thing you were never meant to be ?

What it wants,
you get.
What it needs
 you find.
What if says,
 you do.
What you got,
 you give.
What it means,
 doesn't matter to you.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Nursing home

There is a crowd of eldelry, strategically placed around the t.v. where i work. I bend down to pick up an empty wrapper off the floor and make eye contact with 'cheerful' she starts singing,"beautiful face, beautiful face." Instantly i hear 'grumpy' holler, "Can you shut up ?! I'm trying to watch this show !"
  I look over my shoulder and smile, cause the t.v. isn't on. It's just 'grumpy' being grumpy/

Thursday, October 17, 2013

sobriety sucks

Most people know the day they quit using drugs or alcohol. They will joyfully proclaim to the world, "On october 23, 2011 I will be clean for 2 years. Yippee good  for you ! Not me. It just happened when i wasn't paying attention. It was not a day of celebration. It was a day that will go down in infamy as far as my feel good is concerned

sunshine

i am at work and i notice a resident going into the wrong room. i walk over to gently let him know. i push his wheelchair into the hall and shut the door. He leans over and looks me in the eye and says," i hate you" with so much hate in his voice that i am speechless. Instead of crying i whisper to myself that i hate me to.