java jest..

My day is gone before it even starts. The morning is not my own. It belongs to the hot cup of coffee i am pushing around like a racehorse.I am betting the odds aren't that good today. But who knows I am on my first cup of destiny.I am planning and scheming every move ahead in the distance I gotta groove.Trying to get it "done" ...sprint down the track. Ahead- the distance I cannot see who is in first. But I know it's not me ! The coffee taste is bitter but I swallow it down. My mind is racing ..my feet are free. The race I am losing is the race I will win..eventually. The race to bedtime will surely show that I'm .. alone in the dark. with no one expecting much of me ! Other than to turn off the light and forget the day.

book of shadows 2009

1. There is a darkness,
in me..I know
A shadow that finds me
and won't let me go
A monster that has grown
wild and mean
All it devours...is all it sees
And then it
shits wherever it wants !
That monster is me


2.you love to make me cry
you love to make me scream
you love to make me jealous
and wish for better things

4. At the end of the day when I'm getting ready to crawl in bed beside you...I wonder if the day was good? For you if the day was good?

The weekend sunshine is waving at me thru the blinds in my room. Trying to catch my attention by dancing down the hall... on the wall spinning like crazy in the arms of lazy Now I can't hear her at all ! I have my coffee in one hand and my smoothie in the other and it is almost time for the pass off to freedom. Coffee is for work and driving home late. A smoothie to me is like an alcoholic treat without the booze of course. Guess I am in charge of the movie tonight. Saw drive last weekend and was pretty good. Except not enough sex and he didn't get the girl in the end . How sexually frustrating it was ..well for me anyway. I say I say it is beautiful here this day. I am so ready for playing is all i say isay

old post bout the love of hairspray..

My eyes followed her every move , I knew I would dream about it later. I was not bothered by the fact she was in my house and clearly the most beautiful thing in sight.
She seemed..ALIVE ! More than a breath of fresh air. Mountain air..where the trees filtered out the pollution left by others. We tried not to hit it off- we really did. But there was something contagious between us that the other had to have.She asked me if I had any hairspray, while we were in the bathroom trying on lingerie. She started screaming like a sexy pixie demon girl who is about to get her rocks off when I handed her my Aussie Sprunch Spray. That was it boys and girls. We locked the bathroom door and turned to the mirror..curling iron on ! She was familiar. No she was more than that- she was hauntingly familiar in a tantalizing, seductive way ! I did not cringe when the questions came..indeed i remained calm and slowly reached for my red lipstick and it was like she knew that any answer would have to wait til the wet gloss coated my lips with honey dew...and then i cleared my throat and looked her in the eyes before looking away. Smiling she put both her gorgeous hands on my face and turned so she could look me in the eyes and listened for my reply. I swear you could have heard a pin drop. I took a step back and said as sweet as molasses " I never swallow.."and we started laughing crazy in love

on the immortal stage....

When I went to bed last night after a red hot atomic shower it felt time to go nod off and find my spot. On the immortal stage where I still reign and the crowd is glued to the edge of their seat. Where the curtain never drops and the faces never boo..where all is alive when it cums to me and you. As I brushed out my hair and lotioned up my face I thought ahhhh the house is gonna rock cause the script is soo great. The r.e.m. will join me somewhere along the line and the sleep will take me and dim out the lights.But not tonight.. ladies and gentlemen- it felt not right. I tried to remember ..i tried to recall the words that left me there on the stage. Alone in the spotlight -stuck in my cage! I looked to the left and I looked to the right to see if you were watching. To see if you cared ....to see if you could help me out of that place ? The music sparked and came to life ! The show was starting and the curtain slowly rose.. a waltz was playing and danced towards me. On the arms of my lover..in the arms of a dream. I grabbed the key. ... that swung from his waist. Then there was REALITY in this cold dark place ! It was a she and she tried to slapped me hard across the face.. She shook me and grabbed me.. and set me up right. And lo and behold she woke me up ! She did more than that she chased off the night! She pulled me up onto my feet and dragged me to the living room.I sank into the couch with a grumble on my lips..".Casting call in a week " she said."you must learn the lines & remember them well." I put on my glasses and turned on the light. And yelled hell no..this ain't right !!! I stood up in place and took my spot and started rehearsing the lead of my life. The lead of my life ..you want to know ? I must beat my daughter I will show i am the master (disaster) the Wii will show.
I know stupid stupid video games kris cum on i told myself go back to bed and curl up with the night ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh am soo tired and beat . Well not beat in that sense ..better at shooting the targets and my game of pool but who really knows?
My coffee this morning is strong and bold. Everytime I take a sip I shudder a little more awake. The concentration ratio is nothing compared to Starbucks triple shot expressoo . One drop is equal to one pot of coffee in the real world.. HELLO & GOOD MORNING I wave to the sunshine and get ready to play. My day must be productive and full of get 'r done. Productive means not alotta fun! I hate when i am busy and I hate when I am stale. I have plans for the weekend to see an old friend of my daughter. Only she doesn't know it yet cause I am soo far behind with my strife that I cannot commit yet. But I will ..I swear I will . And I will have money for the bars in my backpocket. And not be on an arm of a date. Cause this girl is a rockin and i can't be late. See i need this misadventure to get this thorn out of my brain. The music is playing and i have to dance ..but first i need to put on my bra.
Okay miwokdreamer what is going out on ebay? Find and get ready for flight..we have got tennessee, kentucky, coffeyville, fairbank,michigan and baton rouge. Damn that's good for now kris...clock out of here and clock in for work ...hello dear lady

scratching post...

Wow it is like I got a breath of noxious air..a gasp of polluted glare. The ozone must have opened up wide and swallowed up all the sweet mountain scent that I need to survive.
I feel like oh I don't know ...EVIL and it has no voice that i recognize. It is sticky and sweet like pancake syrup. It is hot and ready to serve. What is going on cause my pms ran off down the street with my inner child .That was two weeks ago and i usually unlock that door in about one more week...so they can sneak back in. Son of a whore I know what ails me I have been in love with the sadness, the whole time I was with him and I must have formed an emotional attatchment to it. I feel like this feline ready to stalk and pounce on anything that moves. My fingernails want to rip someone to pieces. I am starving...hungry. No more like ravenous. Nobody has put any anger or frustration in my food bowl..and what is this girl to do? I don't want to look in the mirror 'cause I can see thru the holes that climb up my back and what I got is nothing that i can just give him back. My wall is empty ..my wall is bare . It shows no faces.. no pictures of life. No pictures of nothing, not even strife. I took them all down and threw them away . Now there is nothing but white open space. And the memories still greet me, the memories still live. The memories are with me and the memories still give. The memories are laughing holes in my walls. the wholes are no different than the ones in my chest The ones that see thru me and know me the best. Meow..pussycat purr........I ain't got no one to make me rumble or scratch behind my ears...or offer me the catnip-my dear?

week..weak tweek

The warmth of the day is wasted on me once again. I am in purgatory. Cap and I broke up and i moved two hours away to pullman. It is going on a week now. Most people would be like wow a whole week, but each minute i am away from him ...feels like eternity. There is nothing that i can do to get him back so I will suffer in silence far from home. He is home for me. I always have felt that my home was in his arms. No matter where we might be. I don't know what to do but walk away and try not to let it all corrupt my mind. Sometimes i cry and sometimes I am mad. Sometimes I am angry and sometimes glad. But life goes on and on and on.....and I want to race the day to bed.

scents off my fragrance tree....

1. I wonder what would happen if my mind was free as a bird...what cage it would find?
2. Today or tomorrow
I will find time...and feed it quiet for lunch
3. I must have had a wet dream last night..I woke up thirsty !
4. If life is complicated and love is a game (like monopoly)
count me out...unless you need a banker or a realtor holding all the cards
5. How could I lose myself...I knew where I was the whole time?
6. Seeds planted in the mind..always grow when watered.
7. If you put people in a position to fuck you...they will.
8.Why does love go astray? It is like you are cruising down the road of life- just the two of you !
Actually going somewhere. Which is the destination...where everyone gets out!
9. What's the odds of losing..the winner never asks
what's the odds of winning ...the loser always asks
10. I like awake and miss you
I lie awake and dream
I lie awake and hold you
i fall asleep and scream

Taste of Divine Melancholy

Taste of Divine Melancholy

two many times....

I'm too busy to start at the beginning
too young to wear a bra
too hungry to eat all my food
too hot to wear a coat
too righteous to confess my sins
too poor to earn a living
too rich to give a damn
too smart to listen
too dumb to find out why
too wise too say a word
too late to be on time
too demanding to know what I want
too high to come on down
too awake to get out of bed
too sick to take care of myself
too deaf to see the truth
too lucky to give it a chance
too thirsty to take a bite
too short to touch the stars
too blind to be out at night
too lost to find my way
too bad to be any good
too loud to hear whatcha say
oh yes i'm perfect in everyway

mardi gras mask ...?

Okay maybe not my mardi gras mask....not yet at least! There is still time to shape it into something sassy classy and pleasing to the eye! After all that is the wonder of clay correct? Speaking of masks it seems that so many of us cover our face in masks of deception. Notice I said us because in all truth we all are guilty of it. Some of us are just better at it. Some of us are good enough to hear the words .."nominees for best actress in a ???" . And then others of us are guilty of using other tools to pull in votes. Ummm okay I am also up for that category as well 'cause my want some fries with that shake walk is the best for a female in my age category. I know ...I know I try not to let it go to my head but it is soo hard . I would have to thank my daughter and her friends for putting up with me during all our many walks to the store so I could get buy my beer or cigarettes. They loved me it seemed more than I loved myself back then. Aren't all moms like that though ? Anything to pass the time and anything to keep all attention focused on ourself?

say hello to my little friends...

My new theme song has changed ! No more Disturbed no more Rob Zombie-not today No not the song three steps back I am pretty sure that does not exist yet. Another digital camera bites the dust. How is business gonna boom if we aren't able to post pictures for presentation? I ask you Kris to calm the hell down.The clean up here is not too tough thanks to my little friends that reside at this place.. I almost don't mind vacuuming or doing the dishes cause i have my little helpers like the dishwasher or like the vacuum cleaner. Umm or like the mirror mirror on the wall....I love makeup! Make-up is my friend. My most beautiful girl mask resides within that mountain of tubes and bottles . I will not get distracted HOLD HOld hold on to your insanity miwokdreamer...you have not got your eyeliner on yet. What is wrong with me ? That's it I am fired! I apologize for that rant about my war paint but sometimes it gets away from me when i have really thick lip gloss on and start rubbing my lips together mhhhhh . We now have 101 things to do today besides trying to return the dig camera to wal-mart without the receipt. H20 product just got in and we have got to get individual orders put together for delivery.. cleaning stuff from France. There is a place in france where the naked ladies dance...but the men don't care cause their in their underwear ha changing the station folks . Music motivates me no matter if I am breathing in or breathing out.Maybe instead of taking applications for boyfriends I should buy an ipod for my feel good fix?

shake shake shake...shake or smoothie

Okay what I did today outweighs what I did not do. And since it is officially the day of rest that deserves a pat on the shoulder. Or a smack on the butt...mhhh let's make that a high -five(seeing how it is Sunday) . Church for some reason grabs ahold of my arm and pulls me into her chapel so easily anymore that I am starting to believe again! I say her chapel because she is all about bringing the righteously faithful into the fold so that we may all worship the father. Mother Nature dissolves my worries and fears by showing me signs that only I may need to see ...too believe in the day. She is all about the small details like only a feminine spirit can breathe into the life of an exhausted child. Like the wind in my hair, caressing my face. Or my favorite- rainbows or falling stars to wish upon .At church we had a two hour seminar on the upcoming media campaign I Am Mormon.com. I thought cool because even though I am a third generation latter day saint there is soo much I do not know as far as specifics. I do know that I will not make it to the celestial kingdom unless I am married in the temple and sealed together for time and eternity. I am not scared of my faith and I cannot honestly say that I know anything for sure. It is not up to me ..it is but who really knows ? I read any and all ancient doctrine ..historical and non-fiction regardless if it is about the bible or the book of mormon or the kabbalah , the i-ching, aristotle, native american stories, wicca , celestine prophecy, legends and folklore, course in miracles, edgar cayce, even the Major and Minor Arcana. Anything I can get my hands on. I read it all and it is like my brain subconsciously accepts to believe a paragraph from this faith or just a sentence from this ancient belief or story. It is all processed and is ever changing so I cannot say for sure that I am one hundred percent this or one hundred percent that. Like I have always said...I believe God has more than one name.But I believe in this more..that they should take the name God out of every language on the face of the earth and he can return to what he is and always will be...that warm feeling in your chest. I remember when I was more than who I am now. Before I lost what can't be stole. One day when I was in fourth grade and I lived in Gig Harbor I woke up one night with this aching powerful burning presence in my chest..by my heart is where it called home. I was not afraid of it or thought it was out of the ordinary. Indeed it was like the brightest warmest feeling of love that burned electric atomic hot. An energy or essence of something that was real and right. It was good . No one could see it or feel it but me. There were times when I actually could not be around others or speak because of this overpowering presence that moved inside of me. And life went on and on and I grew older and I don't know when I noticed that I had misplaced it or set it down. I told myself that with all I have been through and the bad choices I had made that it must have been that small spark had blown out. I called out to it expecting it to return like a pet who got off the leash ... but I never quit looking really. It is not that I gave up on it or stopped hoping it would come home to me. And I do know that even though I may have fallen away from attending church or following doctrine that my god never left me. When I quit blaming where I was on this or that and just accepted things there was Jesus holding out his hand waiting for me outside my misery.You know I think I was just in survival mode when.. you have to turn the lights down or off so you aren't able to see the pain and destruction of your soul ? I just realized I need to focus more on trying to get it back than on where it went and blam there he was waiting the whole time in the pouring rain for me to come back home

teardrops of rain

I smell love in the pouring rain I go outside and scream your name I look straight up into the sky Mother nature lets me cry You are gone..some other place Lost inside my inner space found inside these dreams of mine My dreams are nothing...only lies My dreams are where i like to hide

come on home

If I was as cool as the black of night would you let me wrap you in sheer delight? Would you let me show you the stars in my eyes? Would you let me caress you with the wind in your hair? Would you let me sing to you with the birds as my voice? Would you let me hold you close to my heart? Would you feed me your sorrow disguised as joy? Would you leave me tomorrow without a word? Would you close your eyes and forget my face? Or will you cuddle up to me and find your place..

smooth...eee sailing on bye...

That is it..my mommy said! I am grounded and it ain't right. I am over 40 years of age. I have a grandchild dammit!! She cannot do this to me. I am her first-born.. I vacuum and load the dishwasher . Only thing is it is her home and ladda ladda blah humbug!! This would not have happened if I had a social life and was out on a date. Then I know for a fact things would not have got out of hand and we would not be in this position. I will not apologize for dumping out the box of Lucky Charms so I could monopolize the green clovers !! I mean come on green clovers are lucky...and do I feel lucky? Hell no.. because they did not make it in the blender. I was making smoothies. What is wrong with that?

shine a little light on the subject..

I would like to be happy...I really would but I am not tall enough to grab that falling star right out of the night sky. I like arguing if it clears the air. I hate sluts but am guilty of one night stands. I like to smoke cigarettes if I am drinking. I have the ability to have soo much and let it slide right thru my fingers by holding on too tight. I need space but crave infatuations. I hate people asking why why why are you like this Kris? If I knew ..which I do why would I share it with you? I earned the right to be a little crazy. I believe in having another shot of whiskey.I love music soo friggin' loud you cannot hear yourself scream because the beat is so BOOM that it gets in your head and poisons your blood and next thing you know you're the life of the show...and to me- that feels just as good as if you were leaning against the washer on spin. I love dirty jokes and have a dirty mind but keep your perversions to yourself. I am good and I am bad. I hate lies but avoid the truth. I love motorcycles and the wind in my hair.I love to drive fast and the curves in the road I hate getting lost and the choices i've made.I always turn left cause who wants to be right? RIght!! See not complicated huh? oh wait i've got boobies!!

sunshine

Turned in applications all friggin' day..well maybe there were only four . okay it was three and I am not lying! I swear looking for work is stressful. Especially since my last job was at Quest casino. When I started working there I actually thought to myself ..I AM GOING TO MEET MY FUTURE EX HUSBAND. But it was not true I actually met alot of people who had compulsive gambling streaks and after being around that long enough made me just want to get away. Gambling is a sickness it really is. The only thing halfway positive about it is now the indians are in control of the white man' s vice and getting paid big time for it. Well all except my tribe ..the miwok indians. Couple years back the government granted the miwoks- federal status as a recognized tribe...if we signed a non-gaming clause. Which they did. And then we waited and waited from afar. Paperwork came and my mommy filled it out and sent it back along with my 1971 roll call number I had been given to receive a payment of $700 for Yosemite national park. That was how they did it -they gave most all the money to the lawyers and each tribal member only got $700 dollars and a quick pat on the shoulder and told that it was okay they took our land. I was a young lass then..not caught up in the battle raging with the government or what we call them "suits".And part of me is thankful that me and my sis julie were adopted and moved away. We were able to live our life as normal human beings. Proud to be american... for sure, but not caught up in the war that was raging among all my kin. Yeah we are part of the answer and part of the problem right? But life moves faster than the wind and is impossible to catch with your bare hands. Who has time for a war when you have come this far on your own? Yeah a little help would be great..like a grant for education. But not looking for a handout. More interested in the history of the miwok culture. Like my love for trees and the urge to know. I feel like an acorn who cannot grow unless I know...how to sow.. miwokdreamer hears the wind whispering with a voice I can't quite make out or understand

hear boy?

Worst saying by females..."MEN ARE SUCH DOGS". Men are not dogs. They are worse than dogs. They drool like dogs and want to hump everything they cannot eat. Dogs are loyal and they always come when you call them. Men only come when they call you!

hello you are bidding on a blah blah blah :p

Today I actually made it out to the real world..I could not believe my luck. I am starting to feel like Rapunzel. No more like Rapunzel's servant cause of all the gray in my hair.The auctions that I list for my mom are soo time consuming that I actually picked up 5 job applications from everywhere that was close by. Have four things going out.Well except for me that is!! I almost feel like doing the.." help me Obee One Kenobee, you are my only hope". Or even better- my most excellent ..want some fries with that shake walk !! But alas I actually like what I am doing. It is all about the presentation baby. And baby have I got a deal for you...Anyway this was the last thing I listed and maybe it will be the last thing for a little while cause out of the four digital cameras we have here..none of them seem to work. I threw two away yesterday cause if they don't work they don't need to be here right? Buzzer is going off on the stove..chicken is ready! Gotta go!

my trip to nowhere..

Am in a weird place with my emotional baggage stuffed into a suitcase that is old and worn. I don't know what is zipped up... only that it wouldn't close.. I wasn't looking at nice and neat. I had to sit on the damn thing to get it shut. My flight to nowhere was leaving right on time. I arrived at the gate and sat my unopened bag of despair on the conveyor belt. As I was checking in I started singing softly " red rover ..red over, send kris on over". And all of a sudden it was time and i felt my throat constrict and I could not make eye contact with the the person who was in charge ! I actually started cringing in fright as my bag started to move and expected sirens and alarms to start going off..but they made it around the corner..can you believe it? I was given my ticket and hurried along before my past could catch up to me. And once again I vowed to myself that I am not going to be a dark cloud anymore. At least I am going to try. I am not promising blue skies and sunny days folks 'cause I know there is no weather man who can predict the storms of my life. No Doppler Radar that can follow the path of my self destruction...as it happens.But I can only say in my defense "God it always smells sooo good after it rains"

pipeline...

I am just sitting here watching CNN and they are talking about building a new pipeline, well TransCanada is that will bring 20,000 jobs to the American people and I just have to say ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? No No NOOOOOOOOOOOO. ... Two things that worry me right now is with the presidential election drawing near I pray to God that Obama will not be sucked away into this pissing contest. It will fail ..it always does . Hello what about BP? Who cares about the lies they are trying to shove down our throat that it won't leak or contaminate the reservoir that it will run over. That is not for us to decide look what happened in Japan with the nuclear meltdown. Japan was earthquake ready they had drills and standards and when mother nature cracked her back with that 9.0 things happened. She is in charge ..not us.As I speak there was a 5.8 eathquake in Guatemala about an hour ago and there was a 5.8 in Alaska ...11 hours ago. AND yesterday in India they had a 6.9 magnitude. Close your eyes and breathe in the scent of life and stay the course. We must protect our enviroment by not being stupid enough to put it in the position to be endangered. She is all we have that is really free. The clean air and the rivers that filter our waters. The trees and plants that clean our air. The rain that waters them. Think about it it is a self sustaining system. It works and I say leave it alone. The food we live off we must have to nourish our bodies and our minds. There is also the senses that come alive when you are outside hiking or swimming in the lakes or rivers. I am water and cannot imagine not being able to swim or fish in our natural enviroment with our children. Isn't that something you share with your offspring..the wonder of catching a fish or butterfly? My Mother is around ..always waiting for me when I walk out my door. Holding out her hand to me whispering come play .. I love the sound of her laughter dancing on top of a brook as it runs around the bend. I love watching a bird as she stands on the edge of the birdbath in my backyard with her wings spread out and her feathers open as she does that little dance...that starts with her head as she moves the moisture over and off of her body. She is so engrossed in what she is doing that you don't even realize you are too. Because it is a beautiful thing to watch.

testing one two four

http://miwokmalibubarb.livejournal.com/38233.html

hay... mom it's just me

Okay I promised myself not too post anymore today but the truth is I know when it is more important to cover my ass. It is vital to my survival that I change my mind and outright lie if it keeps me out of trouble with my mommy. And the thing is this..simple really that If she would see the picture on my previous post of the candyman can oh yes the candyman can ...she would wake me up out of a dead sleep and pull my hair hard. No she would tell me to get out of bed first and then pull my hair.So uhhh guess I'm a little bit country .

the candy man.... can.

I know what you are thinking folks! That miwokdreamer is losing it...and that is so not fair. Who can make the sunrise .... how did it go? who can make the sunrise and damn here I go gotta google it real fast. ahhh hold hold hold !! Who can take the sunrise? Sprinkle it with dew? Cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two. Who can take tomorrow? Dip it in a dream? Separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream, the candyman? the candyman can. The candyman can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good!! I want sweet n gooey oooey chewy gooey chocolate cream butter frosting fudge delight sin mmhhhh dreamy dark mousse chocolate pudding mess !! The 2 calorie a serving kind....the one that is soo good you lick the plate clean. Wow I have really gotta find a boyfriend or something so I can get my sweet fix without the weight. ha get it without the wait lol ! I am soo fired from blogging anymore today

coat of many colors...

This is an old post from my livejournal My coat of many colors my momma made for me. No this one I pieced together all by myself. The one I tried to piece together in the dark. I have got to stop this musing.I don't want him anymore..What is going on with me? I am crying and fine all in the same breath. I am dying and being born. I am winning and losing myself before the race even starts or finishes.I need to stop taking him off and putting him on like a sweater. I don't know if I am too warm or too cold. All I feel is uncomfortable.I must accept that there is a change in the weather and that the seasons are changing in my life...and that is all.

just swinging...yawn

I feel like the hanged man right now !! Not doing nothing... not headed anywhere. No destination means - stagnant! Not to worry if one wonders why I use the term hanged man. I am not depressed just restless. I have done tarot card readings for half my life and um yawn its like the major arcanana seem to stick inside my brain like metaphors. Least the Fool is starting his journey..Anyway my bookie is playing scrabble with my mom and getting her butt kicked haha!! I just beat her bad and she had this notion that grandma would let her win. I tried to warn her...but she never listens. Gotta find the WSU game now cause this could be the year. After their first two games that they played and totally STOMPED the competition it just makes you wonder..No it makes you hope and pray that I am going to have something to hold onto and watch as winter settles in around us. Go COUGS

diet dialog

How goes the diet miwokdreamer? huh? What Say You ? huh? What Say YOU! why? who is this? It is Me me who? you..that's who So I am talking to myself? right now...I am having a conversation with me right? WHAT SAY YOU! fuck off and die say I What? least I am not asking Mr Owl how many licks, it takes to get to the creamy center of a tootsie pop !

a few bites

So my diet is going rather uh ummm bland ! I am trying to not to be hungry or too grouchy but it is almost like they are both holding onto my hands. And if I don't have one on each side of me grabbing ahold my arm, then the other one is pulling my hair so that I will let go of the other hand . They are just like kids...my hunger and my grouchy. Always taunting me and always pissing me off.

the exhaustion

I am so tired right now ! I am spent and all done. I just wanna take off my tight jeans and bra and cannonball on top of my bed. God that sounds like heaven right now. It felt like the exhaustion bit me in the big toe when I was outside earlier trying to find all the hornet's nests for my mom. I must not have been paying close attention in my hurry to dodge all the buzzing kamikaze dives over my head. I hate bees and spiders and snakes and all that stuff. Anyway I didn't realize I was bit until I caught myself gyrating this happy like oohh lalala tremble shake tremble breathe hard and quake dance .IT was then I realized I was scratching my bump with a kinda twisted sick release sigh cause it felt soo damn good. aaah yes folks I have no sex life at this time. Isn't funny how your priorities change to get your feel good for the day? Now I have an even bigger bite mark that is tender , red and oozing . It don't feel good anymore. Guess I better call the witch doctor and have him do a little dance for me.

pray..man

I hate repeating myself over and over and over but sometimes it is alot easier just to stick to the same old story. But my same old story keeps getting better and better. Had another productive day again ! What... I am not trying to make myself look better than anyone else but I should be a paid employee instead of first pick out of the goodwill pile ! I am so okay and every day that I am away from him and here empowers me. I will never ever go back to him. I will not insult my intelligence. Took a load of trash out to the dump and another load of stuff to good will. Went grocery shopping for our diet food. Then somehow we ended up at the library and check this out my mommy found me the book I have been waiting for and I did not even realize it was out yet or wrote !! The newest Black Dagger Brotherhood about the sister. I looked at my mom when she handed it to me at the library and as soon as she handed it to me I did the typical daughter thing and rolled my eyes like she was handing me a bible or something (probably not a good example to use huh?) Anyway guess I will pray for me since it is an erotica plethora of bloodsucking hysteria. ahhhh vampires.And let me state that I know a couple of vampires of my own. Only they suck the life out of you instead of that hot gooey stuff.. Wow I need to focus I am exhausted . So I am outside breaking city ordinance by watering all the outside plants and bushes that my mom has neglected to water this year. i am walking outside and the grass is crunching under my feet and I can hear the plants and rosebushes dying of thirst. Really it was like I became conscious of the fact they were famished and I knew If i did not do something about it that something bad would happen like it would get put off for the rest of the summer and I just could not walk inside. It took me close to an hour but I took my time and I swear each time I moved I could feel them breathe in and sigh and you know what I feel like I did something that mattered. How pathetic is that ? Also the last group of ancient rosebushes that have not been pruned in years and it gnarled and twisted with age as soon as the mist of water hit it I swear to gosh a real life praying mantis appeared by my big toe and I did not scream because I was not scared. She was beautiful and I swear she started preening as all the foliage started dripping with moisture. Like she was saluting me or was she trying to tell me something....mmhhh cause don't they mate and kill the male?

september 11,2011

This is my daughter my beautiful flower who stings like a bee !! She can be my biggest obstacle if she don't feel like being a part of whatever is going on. Last time I checked I was the line leader but she is always challenging me. I thought that was a male thing...ahhhh not in my world. On the other side of the coin I don't know what I would do without her. She is sooo beautiful and shy (well when she isn't being mine, mine mine) that is just takes my breath away. There isn't anything she could ever do that I would not probably forgive her of. Her father has her during the week in Spokane and right now I will have to take the weekends to get my cassidy fix. He has never spanked her..his thing is time outs. HAHA me on the other hand well her beauty and charm don't work on me when it comes to lying or not telling the truth. I have decided that she willl be my last masterpiece since my tubes were triple knotted tied. Not that she is my only masterpeice. I have two other daughters. God my house was so busy and full of music and chaos and life that I almost get lost in the silence here. But even though I am alone right now it is my choice and I am not really alone cause my family has me right now and I am alright with that. in fact I am way cool with that. Mom and i went to church today and sacrament was pretty good. My mom's old visiting teacher just got back from a mission in Germany and was giving a talk on missionary work and she started choking up talking about when her husband died ..how she missed her best friend. And I started choking up cause even though I have been married a couple times I never found my best friend and I would have liked to. I will hold out and see what the future holds as far as my chance of getting into the celestial kingdom. Damn mormons have so many rules ...which I really need to be keeping...

no bugs about it...little boy

Okay from now on I am gonna try to post a picture with each post, just to make things not soo boring. Cause text is boring, am I right? Yes Kris you are always right ! Wow I like this little guy. I am in between listings on ebay and am stuck on the WSU game. Which is blaring on the radio. 21 to 0 cougars ahead. YESSSS. Am having another great day full of sunshine and chores. Mom and me have everything out of the freezer in the garage and we are waiting for it to defrost. There are 12 containers of ice cream slowly melting in the fridge. And penalty flag down..false start on the offense. catch me later

can I find me in this mess? Am having a very productive day and ebay eaby ebay...eh buyer buyer-Swing I mean Sold!

my littlest bookie flower

I am an Arizona Diamondbacks fan !! If I could get a hold of the catcher-Montero I would be on top of the world.While in Arizona my sister bought us all tickets to attend a game at chase stadium. Upton hit a homerun and the whole atmosphere snagged me..just like a pop fly ! I remember the heat was ridiculous and all the more reason to wear shorts and tank tops, am I right ladies?. Anyway they won that game and the next and the next. They are soo ahead of the giants that I know they are going to be champions this year. Supper is cooking and all is well. Mom and me have been going through bins getting ready to list ebay items like bob mackie and quacker factory. I have turned in four job applications so far but we both know I have a talent when it comes to ebay. It is all in the presentation. Cassidy just called and had a good first day. My cornbread is beeping....yup diet is going to be a word in my future vocab ulary

you must finish the journey to prove you are alive

I am in the forest moving slowly..lost in the melody of a bird's joyous song. Happy and free as I start to whistle along. All at once for no apparent reason, emotion slaps me hard across the face. I grab my cheek that is burning with the sting of a thousand bees. Tears start to drop from my eyes. I stumble on a rock, and as I am falling I feel the trees ache to protect me. The wind with her invisible fingers grabs ahold of my arm. My eyes try to focus on what cannot be seen..only felt. I glance down at the red fingerprints on my skin and all at once I am scared as the quiet longs to be heard. I feel this zing of power swirling thru my hair and all at once this jolt of electricity runs up out my arm. Pulsating across the open sky with the voice of thunder. It is then I feel the vibrational pull of the ancient ones as they close the circle around me, giving sight to my eyes. I realize that the trees together and I are one. I am the heartbeat of rapture. Their holy ghost. I have loved the trees all the days of my life. Indeed my ancestors moved under the redwoods gathering acorns from the ground. Maybe we belong to each other, I just can't say. I know I belong to the ancient voice that resides between our worlds. He is the Father, the Sun (son) and Mother Earth. I resonate with wonder as I see thru their eyes. I'm able to see things how they are, but not what they mean. We exist to serve each other and to prove our worth.There is so much more than we know , so much we can't comprehend. If I can explain it I would say home is a multi-faceted dimensional place. We all move through each other. The faster the vibration, the purer the soul, the lighter the soul, we start to lift up...closer to heaven-that is our home.
I cry out in anger and fall to the ground- heavy with hunger-trapped by my pain.I am not worthy to taste what I know.And it is killing me slowly . A single teardrop falls down my face. Full of black raging water tearing apart.. my distant shore. Sometimes the melancholy of life plays my favorite song. I tilt my head and close my eyes. Remembering another time. The late nights of love with faces never seen or remembered. The loud screaming music. The fast cars taking control. Trusting the speed to deliver me, where I needed to go. Sliding around curves at breakneck speed..wanting to crash.
A single razorblade
My daughters open wrist
I bow my head and really start to cry
All is still and I know I'm alone
God am I non-existent?
Is my pain all I have
Tell me what to do
Are you really there?
Do you care at all ?
please help me find my way
I don't want to be alone
How did I get so far away ..
so far away from home?

change me...not

I am not ready to change who I am right now at this second I am not going to take it seriously like you seriously think that I owe you or anyone else that much power I know who I am and I may not like the dark matter inside my head but it is all mine If you fell in love with me for who I am wouldn't that be swell instead of trying to make me kill parts of my self in tiny doses I cannot do it I am not ready to let go of that piece which in turn gives life to the next it is a domino effect it will happen i will all fall down

Supper at my table

Damn I would make somebody a good wife !! Or at least a future ex-wife. Supper Supper suppertime is always a feast here in bum fuck egypt. I am almost scared my mummy will see my vulgar profanity in this post and I want to take it down, but I can't because i am a rebel and I know the perfect place to hide. I am ignoring the fear that keeps tapping me on the the elbow ...she will see. But dammit i am over 40 years old and most beautiful girl. Although I tell my daughter your beauty and charm don't work on me..She ALWAYS shakes her head and says "you always say that momma". Where do you think I got that saying? anyway fried up pork steaks and brusselsprouts with amish butter and a salad with every side veggie you can imagine and drenched it with homemade ranch dressing...god that just makes a girls dick rock hard. Oh wow where am i going to hide now? Hopefully she don't check out the history on her laptop. Which I always do with my girls. My girls are all away . Cassidy started sixth grade today in spokane and she is the most beautiful thing ..with her braces glinting in the sunlight. Katie my middle youngster either forgot to pay her phone bill or just neglected to just to drive me nuts worrying that she is doing alright and erica is good.ahhhhhhhhhhhh mummy is in her room walking this way she is gonna seee the f word bye-bye

bedtime kris

Sometimes I feel consumed by my desire to sleep. I awake happy and refreshed like I have been in the arms of my lover. My invisible lover that knows how to soothe away any inconsistencies that may have accumulated during the day. My invisible lover who knows just to let the things that I do wrong to fade to gray. My invisible lover who grabs ahold of my hand pulling me in and out of dreams. Dreams I can never remember or lick off my lips. How cum I can't remember the feel of your sweet kisses ending up all over my face? Like the snowflakes melting on my upturned face?

the cool cold water, mmhhhh

I love my mommy. Well so long as she doesn't turn into Hitler. I am not a good soldier. A good daughter- most of the time. A good lover-not all of the time. A good friend-all of the time. A good gardner-half of the time. A good eater all of the time. Been working outside whacking all the bushes to death. And damn that rosebush ALWAYS bites me!! The same one every year. Looks so much better. i love working outside. I miss my orchids sooo bad. That is about all I miss from spokane. I am doing soo much better. It is hot and I am soo sweaty and I want to go swimming so bad. I would go skinny dipping if there wasn't people around . I keep getting lost in the feeling of flying through the cool water, pushing off the dock with every inch of energy you can muster to launch yourself forward faster than a rocket can glide in our atmosphere. Back to workgrasshopper the master calls.. wait for me

a little bit of magic

If I had a little taste of magic would I use it to season my life ? My spice of life. Or would I hold onto it tight and dream at night of all the ways I could use it? I think I would throw it up in the air and dance underneath it as it fell down upon me. I would let it get stuck in my hair and laugh out loud that it was a magic day