i was in between rooms at work and my ipod was suddenly quiet as i sat down in the desk chair in front of the window. once the quiet hit my eardrum i had no other choice but to mute the song. so now i am sitting in the room i just cleaned in front of the window with the warmth of the sunshine casting a shadow on the wall in front of where i sat and with the loss of sound i focused in to what i thought was a disturbance in the force hehe. but it was just a bird singing in the big pine tree that sits in front of our building. i closed my eyes and opened them and tried to erase every thought from my mind and the first thing i saw was my shadow. and i thought mmhh ...

faith..

what better person to talk about me than myself hehe. right now i can think of a million reasons to be filled with bitterness and frustration.i guess i figured out that it don't look good on me. i looked in my closet with an open mind and got rid of alot of things. and i found the most awesome outfit that is perfect on me. i am not running around asking everyone does this make me look fat ? it goes with everything especially the smile on my face. i have it on and i twirl around in front of the mirror going is that really me? it cost me nothing but my faith. i will never discard it for the rest of my life. what brand is it..IT IS GOD'S TOP OF THE LINE.
proverbs 31:25 STRENGTH AND HONOUR ARE HER CLOTHING

4 years old..

i found the perfect present for a four year old boy. my grandson sam turns four on thursday so of course we will be heading to spokane for that big event. i really miss my girls though too so at least i will get to visit with two of them. we checked on every kinda car they had in the toy aisle at wal-mart and around the corner too hehe. almost picked a remote control gravedigger for 34.00 but for christmas i gave him a remote control police cruiser with siren (to drive my daughter crazy :D ) and so did my aunt and my mom. this is the fifty dollar dinosaur that hopefully is gonna rock his world and keep him up at night cause he wants to play with it so bad. oh well i am from a family of females and i have all girls. um don't little boys have penis's or something ? i totally have not a clue as to what they like except toy guns and cars right ? at least at this age.
my question of the day is where do we go when we sleep? i have often wondered if we visit those who have passed. our loved ones. cause i never remember my dreams- ever ! i mean it is like i wake up feeling recharged and my well-being is fully restored like i was surrounded by family soothing away all the sickness and fear that we ingest during our waking hours

incoming...

this morning when i called into work i was told you finally have a day off. i was like yahoo, until my mom got me out of bed so we could take care of this little problem she had last week. she loves dragons and yes she has a few. her windstone dragons are scattered throughout the house. each one has personality and been given a mythical name. i have become soo attatched to her green guy that hangs out in the nook in our kitchen. his name is ruatha from the dragonriders of pern stories. but i call him goliath i talk to him whenever i am stressed and he does listen. just like a good dragon hehe. anyway back to the problem- this is an incoming delivery.she won off an ebay auction. it is damaged. the plaster broke off and crumbled to pieces but it was insured. and i am thinking like no problem just grab all the paperwork and run down to the local post office BUT NO SUCH LUCK. it all has to be done online and is gonna be complicated i just got this nagging feeling that is whispering in my ear already...take a valium ..
the first question my mom asked me when i stumbled into the living room was do you know what jpeg files are...OH YEAH LOOKS LIKE I AM IN CHARGE OF THIS LITTLE ESCAPADE HEHE

speed date

umm i had a friend email me and tell me to check out this site. speed date.com and just like everything on line you have to join or register before they will let you check out the merchandise. even on facebook you have to go thru the process just to have access to view. so i put up an out of focus profile picture and my birth day and year and that is about it. and as soon as i was up and running i was soo hell off that sight. it moved too fast for me. you have 5 minutes with all these faces that are lined up on the bottom of the screen. my second one that opened up without any help from me had a fully erect penis as the profile pic i kid you not ..hehe. don't worry i don't need counselling or anything um am alright. i do realize that was an exception cause i have visited two or three more times. but just out of the blue i checked the link on my spam from there and this is what i found. is that suppose to make me feel good or worried?

zuni fetish..

so my mum is in the kitchen going thru cabinets and filling up tubs for our big move. on the tenth or 11th of febuary our madness is going chaotic. so she has sat me down in front of this damn computer for how long mhhh let's see 7:30pm going on 3 hours. taking better close ups of listings we have up and putting up more of the fetish's. she has soo much stuff and more and more of it is gonna need to go up on the auction block. it is better if they go to a good home where they will be admired and cherished instead of packed carefully in a box and stored in a storage unit right? that is correct miwokdreamer so gotta get back and get some more of these prey fetish's up for bid. but i am soo frigging bored and my belly is starting to whine softly ...feed me feed me. so first one up
clearing my throat as my sexy sales diva voice slides in place..
HELLO THIS IS FOR A ZUNI FETISH I BOUGHT WHILE ON VACATION. IT HAS SAT IN MY LIVING ROOM SINCE WITH LITTLE OR NO HANDLING. THIS WAS DIFFICULT TO PHOTOGRAPH AND TOOK MANY ATTEMPTS TO FINALLY CATCH IT IN THE BEST LIGHT.THE LENGTH IS APPROX 1 3/4 INCHES LONG. THE BOTTOM LABEL READS..M-3257 ZUNI ROSELLA LANASEE HUORITE BOBCAT $55.00 I DO OFFER FREE SHIPPING SO IF YOU GET A CHANCE CHECK OUT MY OTHER LISTINGS


ZUNI TURTLE FETISH BY GEORGETTE QUAM

THIS IS A ZUNI TURTLE FETISH BY GEORGETTE QUAM THAT IS APPROX 2 INCHES LONG AND 1 3/4 INCHES ACROSS. I BELIEVE THE STONE IS GREEN STRIPED SERPENTINE. THE EYES ARE TURQUOISE AND AND THERE ARE 7 SMALL BEADS OF TURQUOISE ON THE BACK OF THE SHELL. IT IS A VERY NICE PIECE. I AM THE ORIGINAL OWNER AND IT HAS SAT IN MY LIVING ROOM SINCE I BROUGHT IT HOME WHILE ON VACATION WITH LITTLE OR NO HANDLING. THANKS FOR LOOKING AND CHECK OUT MY OTHER LISTINGS AS I DO OFFER FREE SHIPPING..

my father's service hat

could not make it to church this week due to the fact i had to work. last weekend was the only time that i have had sunday off and was able to attend church in along time. we have a new bishop. i also brought my miniscule red hot fuschia ipod with me..it just helps with my joy joy attitude soo much. i must have listened to buckcherry 48 times ...."you crazy bitch". my ears are a little sore inside cause i had it cranked so loud that it was actually pulsing inside my fragile ear canal hehe. i had to turn it down to like 53 though cause it was tickling the hairs in my ear and we cannot have that. sometimes i wonder what happened to my pain and sorrow ? my step is light and frisky and i hum whenever i walk and people are just drawn to me like a magnet. i feel on top of the world like there isn't anything i can't do and i feel beautiful and alive that is until i step on the scale to check my weight...

john's alley..

i cannot mention names of course because i am the one at fault. at least i think i am the one at fault...an old friend came to kidnap me last night. we use to live together maybe 7 years ago. he has great kids and a great job and a great sense of humor-sorta. it took me awhile to figure out that i was never gonna win an argument against someone who has a master degree in psychology. but god knows i tried hehe. he use to be my muse before cap. before cap was my hook line and sinker. every so often either him or i will get in touch with the other online just to check in and sometimes when that happens we are in between relationships. he will pick me up and take me to the resort for the weekend and just spoil the fuk out of me while i am blubbering about the heartache me and cap putting each other through. but we always have fun dancing or going out for steak or hiking whatever we decide. and i am guilty of calling him out of the blue and agreeing to hang out cause i am soo hungry i admit that. he is a tall viking who is intellectually a god when it comes to being a writer. but he does need to work on his social skills. i told him yes i would go out dancing if he came here and picked me up that yes i would like to drink and go to the bar and have fun on a date. and that is exactly what he did and he brought champagne instead of the crown royal that we drank last time a few years back hehe. smart man is all i can say. anyway he got a room here in town at the nicest hotel. way nicer than the one i work at like wow way nicer. i went with him to check in and crack open the bottle of asti before we hit john's alley. by the time we showed up at the bar i had convinced myself it was gonna be a waste of time due to the fact that this is a college town and we did not wanna show up where all the students hang out with their young selves. we asked the desk clerk where all the old people hang she told us they were having a blues band at john's alley so we headed there. yes there were alot of students. yes the music was loud. yes the place was packed. yes i danced every song. yes i met new faces. yes i drank shots of jeiger and too many bottles of bud light to count. and yes i was starting to spin a little too much haha but DAMN I HAD FUN.
when we headed out the door after last call he was worried about drunk driving and suggested we head back to the room after we stopped for some fast food at jack in the box. yummy i was soo hungry i was starving so i had the ultimate cheeseburger and a chocolate shake. i didn't want to seem like i don't know weird but it was going on 3 am and i was leary going into the room since the night was thru and we had no more pre-destination ahead of us. but when he said come here to me as he lay on the bed chowing ..i could not do it. i tried to but i just couldn't do it. then he did the guy thing (i would like to think cause i am soo hot and sexy and couldn't resist me thing) and i felt this big wall go up in front of me and he changed to "one of those guys" and then i got insulted when he asked me what my problem was if i was a lesbian or something. i didn't get mad or angry but when he walked into the bathroom i slipped out the door and into the cold ice covered night. 3 or 4 miles away from home and i walked and i staggered and i shivered and i slid down hills on my butt cause i didn't want to fall down and hurt myself. but the snow was frozen and dangerous on foot. he probably hates me and thinks i played him but i know i just hurt his pride. i just cannot be that kind of person anymore who gives in to other to just to make sure everyone is happy and satisfied because i could do that for them. i am all about my happy with my decisions and myself when it comes to my person. i refuse to put myself in a positon where it will be detrimental to my well being and i sure as hell am not ready for a relationship yet. i listened to my heart and walked out the door and i don't regret it.

brrr..

smokey the bear..

 the other day we came across this picture of my grandad. it made my heart proud. first thing i noticed and said out loud was " is that a smoke hanging out of his mouth?" my mom said here let me see..but when i was handing it to her my jaw did the drop to the floor thing when i noticed the bear he bagged. cause that is more than i have ever bagged and i have caught some nasty critters. - it is fucking awesome hellacious cool :P so cool you gotta smoke a cigarette with it

ugliest thing i ever had to list on ebay..

so i help my mom out with her auction listings on ebay. i take the pictures and download them into the laptop so i can upload them to ebay. i have a tape measure wrapped around my neck most days- doing the armpit to armpit is approx ....inches across the front thing...but this- ARE YOU KIDDING ME !! Really mother i don't care if it is a quacker factory it is not going to sell. it is driving me crazy just looking at the vivid green and white stripes. i have got to lose this one into the good will bag. i mean how can i maintain my ..uh i mean our persona thing as red hot sellers when you throw this into the mix. as soon as it touched my flesh it burned me with it's oh i don't know va va i can't even come up with a word to describe it. is she kidding me ? she is kidding right?

jigsaw puzzle

last night i laid in bed and listened to the reign beat down on my window. i fell asleep and once again you trespassed into my dreams. why can't you just leave me be? it is not like i have any contact with you. i mean my trapped heart might cry out for you when i am not paying attention but what makes you think i would welcome your participation in my rem mode? i think i am going stir crazy and maybe it is the quiet that unsettles me after all the chaos that was our own. who knows ? when i think of you now...i see you throw my broken heart out on the card table and walk out of the room... leaving me there to piece it back together like a jigsaw puzzle.

wascaly wabbit...

change is the wascaly wabbit that just seems to get away time after time. change your mind. change of heart. change your clothes. change of plans ...it is the sudden change that alot of us dread. we get soo caught up in what is familiar and part of our routine that we look the other way when it comes to what we really want. how many of us are stuck in the arms of just for now? settling for the substitute while we wait for the real thing. i am surrounded by soo many faces but known to soo few that i know my future is lost. why is my future lost..maybe cause i see soo much in others but expect soo little of myself. who knows ? i am okay now that i am on my own. five years in a relationship could have been ten years in an unstable relationship it all really depended on when i was willing to leave. i don't hate my ex and want him to be miserable cause the truth is i still care just not in that certain way. how can i want another human to suffer and not expect that for myself? i may be stagnant now when it comes to love. stagnant may not be the right word hehe. when i think of stagnant i see water infested with mosquitos. i am waiting for it to find me-impatiently at times but i wait confident it will find me. and once it finds me i will find myself. oh fuk it gimme back my bullets i'm gpnna shoot me that wascaly wabbit-shoot him dead!

air mail..

the path to the mailbox always leads in the same direction it is the weather that changes

mongolian what...

after the bar i really should have went in the house but since i had a half of a cigarette left and alcohol in my blood as soon as my ride dropped me off in front of my house i darted next door to my neighbor's. where i proceeded to have more shots of jeiger. this morning i woke up feeling okay or so i thought. but i was thirsty thirsty thirsty ! i jumped up and grabbed an ice cold pepsi from the fridge and wow one swallow and it was gone. i fell back asleep instantly only to wake later with the hiccoughs and when i opened one eye the curtains were spinning up and up and away. i exhaled and rolled over on my back and opened both eyes and tried to sit up..and not a good idea. it was like my hangover had just decided to clock in and it wasn't until me and mom sat at the mongolian grill feasting on hot fresh grub that i felt my headache start to dissipate. my fortune cookie read you will soon have new clothes. what ?

mingles..

twas soo very good to see my friend when i went to pick up my paycheck. it was actually pretty decent for how many hours i haven't worked since the snowfall started. it will be my next paycheck that is gonna piss me off hehe so basically i have no reason to be pissy for the next two weeks. so yes i will head over to mingles to have a beer or two. it always start with a bottle of beer followed by a shot of jeiger before i look at my wallet and go dang where did all my cash go-fuk i know two people who are gonna join me in a shot of high grade alcohol my treat hehe. it is the only cure for stir crazy :P

son-day...

church was good even though once the doors were opened after sacrament at least 20 people filed in. the little critters were at full volume anytime someone was giving a talk. i banged my forehead picking up a green plastic snake the little boy in front of us kept dropping at my feet. damn it to hell hahah. finished my werewolf novel..crescent moon and am lost in another sookie stackhouse story. the snow has put soo much on hold. i actually am not scheduled for work til friday! today is payday and it will only have a week's pay on it. have been helping my mom get ready for our big move to where..? went cruising by a couple look at's the realtor gave us the address too. there is a calm surrounding me with quiet arms or would that be a quiet holding me with calm arms. anyway hopefully i will have a date next weekend or something soon. i lost a really good friend when i moved to pullman with my old roommate. what is it about being a friend and not having sex thing that just seems to kill my few friendships with men. i wonder why they just cannot enjoy the view..i mean i don't tease, i stay covered and i cook and clean and walk the dog and tell jokes. i am always happy mostly but i am real when it comes to not putting myself back in a position that i don't want to be in. i would even go as far as saying that the sex isn't even gonna be that good so why demand it from me ? i would rather sleep and be friends :) back me into a corner though and i walk simple as that. you know i had your back but you cannot make someone love you before they are ready right? i was in mourning ..not soo much anymore. i am proud of myself though for not going there because it didn't feel right-who cares about money when there is no limit on your credit card ? i mean hello

stir crazy...

sometimes, the frustration of life will delight me with a single teardrop...that tickles as it runs down my face. this single teardrop is made of black raging water that is tearing up my distant shore. sometimes the melancholy of life plays my favorite song. i always close my eyes and hum along. i tilt my head and close my eyes and watch myself move thru another time. the late night of love with faces never seen or remembered
the loud screaming music. the fast cars taking over control of the wheel. trusting the speed to deliver me-where it is i need to go. sliding around curves at breakneck speed..waiting for the ride to end.. i see a single razorblade then my daughter's open wrist. i bow my head and really start to cry once i'm sure that I am alone. God am i really here? is this pain really real? i get so lost in wondering what the answer is..that i can't seem to find my way to where i'm suppose to go. please call out to me. how did i get so far away? so far away from home.

matchbox 20..

yourself of someone like you is my album of choice my night-time lullaby as i drift off to sleep with only the night spooning me in the dark. i am soo set in my ways. i try not to be i really do. but there are things that are too familiar to part with now that my life is not my own. this cd is something of a teddy bear or a blankie i guess cause at my age i have given up on anything i can touch with my hand. the volume is on 5 and after i am done reading whatever novel is controlling my mind i always jump up to turn off the light and reach over and hit the play button and i just relax with a smile on my face. we are upto 5 or 6 months now and that is the longest relationship i have had with anything or anyone since i moved out of spokane.. "all day staring at the ceiling making friends with the shadows on the wall .."
LIGHT ON  and then their is always my little one smiling all crazy at me. sometimes her cuteness binds me and i cannot move or holler  ..BED

facebook frontier..

a red flag went up in my mind the first time i had a little window open up when i was posting pictures on the facebook frontier..tagging faces is not a good thing a voice said rather loudly. i mean i shouldn't care but i do do do and so should you you you. this little database that we all are creating with out a thought will be the downfall of soo many i feel it inside my heart. the database that will lead law enforcement straight to us and our friends is only a click away. this artificial intelligence doesn't sleep or eat anything like we need for sustenance. the only thing it needs to survive is information. think about it we have a few friends on our page and the next time you log on there is this new beating link ...that says people you may know or mutual friends you have in common. you look at the daughter or face of a friend from way back and there are all these ties in common 8 mutual friends say. and then when you tag a face on your post this intelligence will run with it through every path that it can..not saying that we are all criminal or anything but come on people think..if we have access to anything our friends decide to post about us ..then who can hack into that info? i am just going to stop here cause the day is just starting. my aunt betty is sitting in the kitchen with my mom chatting and we have got tubs of clothes everywhere because today we are going to start going pre-packing before the movers get here.

smudge..

at work i am in and out of rooms..empty rooms mostly. somedays i am more aware of a disturbance in the whole feel of a stay. it may seem strange to say this without concrete evidence but since it is unseen it is nothing more than a grasp in the dark. the feel that resides in each individual room is not exactly the same even though each room appears the same as the next. but i can feel the chi move in different ways depending on which side of the building the sun shines thru the window.
when i enter a room i always go to the window and move the curtain and open the window to let the air circulate. i can sense emotional residue that is left behind some of the time. is that strange ? sadness always waits by the window. jealousy always watches itself in the mirror. but it is the anger and rage i feel more than anything ..waiting to bolt out the door like a caged animal. and hope, of course... has already left the building searching for destiny i guess.

melt down implosion..

OMG i knew i was due but lo and behold i must have been looking the other way and missed my pms monthly implosion. i mean what the fuk ? i always look forward to the explosion. it may not look good on me but it always makes me feel better. there have been too many times i have woken up beside my man only to see him watching me with concern... like he doesn't remember who i am after one of my little atomic episodes of just being mean and nasty. you add that to my temper and folks it is showtime :P my rage gets so concentrated that the dilution for one drop is umm the whole friggin ocean-and that is just to cool it down enough to simple anger. i feel okay though i am not in sync with the full moon anymore. menopause will save me from myself one fine day and spin me around and around while i hold one foot up and sing weeeee

elemental thirst..5/31/2007

today i will go to the mountain and see the god of stealth. he thirsts with desire for my lady of the lake. she will quench the fire that burns inside his soul. we will meet by the huckleberries where the blue grass grows.

kamikaze..

being an addict
is easy
becoming clean
is not
like a butterfly
is how i was
hovering the edge
of reality's scheme
a beautiful flower
beholden with grace
colors alive
vivid and bright
i fed on the living
pollen of time
lifting me up
all the way down

one way..

the first thing i did when i got back to work was wander up to the third floor where the construction guys stay hehe. i wasn't figuring on not being on the job due to the weather as long as i was gone. i could not make my self knock on 302 just for the simple fact i had not checked if anyone new was in their stay. i guess they are all back in boise now..sigh. I feel a little bad cause of the messages they left at the front desk for me. but i am beautiful with a whole lotta charm and i am not gonna run after no man, let him approach me first. well that puts my ..oh he is cute life back on hold. now the rest of winter will be blah and boring and the only thing warming me up will be coffee. geez i wish i had a cola slurpee

coyote....

coyote is trickster in disguise..and even though i know that it is imperative that i keep all doors closed once in awhile i forget. coyote will appear beside me in my dreams. i feel his fur on my leg and it isn't soft and silky. there he his with those beady eyes and that angelic voice that sings inside my head..i am hear to help you kris and walk beside you...blah blah blah. the face has changed soo many times but the voice is my vice. my vice is addiction. i am always caught unaware but it stops there. soo many approaches like what's wrong with a little feel good? or you need my help to conquer the chores that are now a mountain.. my favorite is but i am your friend..
NO MAKE-UP IS MY FRIEND

cluster fuk...

sometimes i will wake up and walk into another room of the house and it appears that i am not at home. but i am and i try not to panic as i look around for something familiar and my eyes are always drawn to the pictures of my family scattered across the walls. and it is the weirdest thing but even they seem altered just a little. they are who they are suppose to be which is family but still they are strangers perhaps in the mortal sense of whatever game life is playing with our destiny. the faces still calm me as they look down on me in the darkness and i know that is my sister or daughter vaguely i suppose...i never remember my dreams so it is rather ironic that my online name is miwokdreamer hahaha. i am not spooked at the time but curious as to what the fuk is going on.. i often have stated to my ex that it is like we were in love in a previous existence-in different bodies and only our hearts remember. cause wow the mental warfare we would put each other thru was ruthless. i mean pure malice and i don't want to say there was hate between us but we could clear a room faster than a bomb scare and the strange thing is when we were drenched in mortal combat it would go on forever and ever and when we were both spent and exhausted and i would crawl into our bed finally exhausted as soon as he would reach out and hold me and our hearts were next to each other WE WOULD HAVE THIS UNSPOKEN PEACE. we never resolved anything there was no apologies and indeed me always holding a grudge it would usually start over again once we got out of bed. is that weird like maybe our hearts had a connect in a previous life. who knows i am grown up enough not to question it anymore. i don't hate him but i will never return to the misery we created when we were together. i don't have time to blame anything on me or him or whatever i want to live now while there is still time. maybe edgar cayce is right and we reincarnate in groups from the same family. like your nanny is your grandaughter or a father is born as a little brother you tries to order you around. our maybe families are forever. i must finish my first sookie stackhouse book-dead after dark. i started it this morning and since then i have been in and out of my room to check my email briefly or play carnival shoot out but i am almost finished with it and then maybe i will find the time to brush my hair this day or put on a bra or take off my pajama bottoms hehe

target practice..

this is my trigger..carnival shootout at king games.com. i mean i tell myself calm calm calm and it is soo frigging simple to advance that my stupidity at times makes me jump up and act like i am banging my head against the wall or i take my foot and kick the wall grunting like i am lost in game rage meltdown. it is the only place i want to spend anytime at well except for youtube cause i like my music as well. okay so they share my space..i admit i mute the sound on the game and crank up the volume on the rob zombie playlist thinking that is going to give me a slight advantage of some kind. my mother watches my meltdowns without saying a word i actually forget sometimes i am after all in her bedroom and she is trying to sleep until i hear her whisper ...are you playing that game again ? YES MOTHER UNTIL I WIN. but truth is i can't get past level 3 sigh i played 103 times this month already and how do i know that ? because the web site boldly posts it how many times played...103 next to how many times won... 23. my accuracy level is almost 100 percent due to the fact that i am always stuck on the first three screens. i mean shouldn't they pass you if oh i don't know ..you demand it !!

fresh powder..

the first real snow of the season started falling a few days ago..rather late but forgot at this time. my favorite part of winter is the first heavy snowfall when the fresh powder covers evertyhing-and all you see is clean and new covered in fresh white powder, my second thought is getting out a blade and chopping out a line

good-time...

it has been close to eight months since i left spokane. it had to be cold turkey or i wouldn't have been able to slay the demon that i had wrapped my arms around. my vice had such a hold of me. my vice had it's fingers wrapped soo tightly around my throat that i forgot how to do anything except impatiently wait for the fingers to loosen just enough for me to gasp in a gulp of fresh air ...before the fingers would tighten back into a vise blocking off my ability to move. i mean i cannot live all crazy and insane for the past 5 years then move back home and a week later go...."where's my happy" ? it doesn't work like that and i would rather think of this as good-time :)

bitch-slap...at the shady lady

after the birth of my first daughter we were soo close to being homeless that with great trepidation i allowed my ex husband to drop me at a strip club-on amateur night! this was soo long ago that we didn't even have poles at the shady lady. But at least  i wasn't told to mingle with the customers. It was almost too much for me to handle. i didn't trust the men and most of the other dancer's were predators. The shame of what i was doing had not caught up to me yet. one night i was sitting at a table with a few of the other "regular" dancers who had waved me over and part of me was grateful that i was being included.  i would order a jack and coke or a shot of whiskey from whoever and the waitress would bring me the non-alcoholic equivalent and we would pocket the difference. but the whole thing made me nervous because of how much made i could make off that scam.  i just had to act the part. so when i wasn't dancing i drank shots of diet pepsi or 7-up and shuddered like they were whiskey or vodka.

 i sat at this table with a few regulars and it wasn't long before i ordered my shot of whiskey watching the teamwork of the other dancers who were moving in for the kill. this blond skinny stripper who i had nicknamed skank had put a hat on the table and was loudly demanding tips for her upcoming trip to planned parenthood ! i focused in with a shocked smirk on my face in time to hear her state..that she had been with soo many guys that one of them was bound to be the father.That they should think of it as a community project- that she was the project that needed fixed due to the fact she was gonna start to show as she entered her 2nd trimester! i felt anger and rage race thru my body and i stood up and when i did my chair fell over backwards. Our drinks arrived right then and Panther started handing them out when skank jumped up cause she was up. As i watched her approach the stage i felt my righteousness burn out of me into a mighty sword. Is that funny i was after all stripping in a club and i felt righteous..? slowly she started her routine and before the first piece of clothing hit the floor that righteousness left me and JEALOUSY slid into it's spot. She danced before me and was one of the hottest sexiest dancers i had ever seen. All i kept thinking was fuk me i don't want to do my stuff after her bringing down the house like i knew she was going to do. She already had a line on both sides of the stage waiting with dollar bills ...
I was soo worked up with insecurity and anxiety and JEALOUSY and righteous anger that as i approached the stage it turned into something else..pure hate !
i was standing there and as i watched her grab all her dollars scattered all over the stage she must have felt my searing stare. She turned to me and a little smile was on her lips. i muttered out loud just as the music ended .. YOU ARE SUCH A PATHETIC SKANK.. guess what she heard me . She shuffled over to where i was and bent over sexy to pick up more of her loot by my feet and said coldy ..what's your problem bitch why don't you just accept the fact that you ain't gonna make shit being a dancer ! i mean look at you...
after she said that she lifted her hand up to her mouth to cover up her giggle and i leaned over and bitch slapped her as hard as i could. We both got fired that night. but i was the only one who went anywhere. i knew that i wasn't strong enough to pick my battles and that me getting into brawls would start to occur more and more...
 i felt such relief as i emptied out my locker- joy was more like it. when i walked out on the floor again i went up to skank with everybody running towards us of course and calmly said ..I AM BOTHERED BY THE FACT YOU ARE USING ABORTION AS A FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL YOU SHOULD  DIET OR BE ANOREXIC. she smiled at me and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear and asked me if i like girls !

the osprey..

sometimes i will catch the wind moving across my skin or drying the sweat off my face and since i am water the wind to me is more like my mother's fingers reminding me that she is a force to be reckoned with. a soft breeze will make me stop and look over my shoulder for my mormon mother's gaze and it is like a warning that i need to be on my best behavior or stay inside hehe. at the casino this morning i almost ran to the pool just to swim. to move through the water or float on my back especially at spring valley i always swim out far from the shore to where the quiet is. when i get there i am home. i can float on my back on the cool blue water and open my eyes and see a cloudless blue sky above me. if not for the osprey soaring above me i might forget which way is up. it is the only thing that gives me comfort... that and cola slurpees

luck..

don't gamble on love
don't gamble on friendship
don't gamble on rent
don't gamble on sunday
and don't gamble on luck

so here i am. the casino is just a hopping, and i am down down down and it isn't even time for elvis to enter the building ! mom upgraded her and my aunt's tickets to center row, but when she asked for mine back so she could upgrade it i laughed like crazy and said..are you kidding i am going to be close to the exit. now if it was the chippendale strip dancers i would feel different duh? i want to speak freely but i don't want to jinx myself- is that pitiful or what? mom told me whe just won six hundred dollars so that makes her down only a hundred. fuk that just makes me cringe. i think i am going to put my other shirt on and see what we can do about future ex-husband prospects...

re..what?

what if the blessed light at the end of the tunnel when you pass...is nothing more than the lights of the delivery room ?

earth spirit ..

this is my sister. she doesn't have a name. she doesn't need one. she is the wind moving thru your hair on a hot day. she is the sunshine that warms up the world. she is the sunset that puts us all to bed. she is the music you can't get out of your head. she is the laughter of your children. she is chicken noodle soup when you are sick..

flu

ran into town to do a few things and even though we should not have stopped at the mall i guilt trip my mother into stopping. thank gosh for ross. i love that store. i now have a shirt for my unlucky trip to the casino. haha so far soo lucky cause there is only one way to leave the casino and that is broke. although oh never mind....work has been soo slow i have actually had the last four days off. well besides the ebay thing and i have not been able to get my people fix or flirt with the concrete guys or electricians who are finishing up the wal mart that is almost done. gonzaga is playing and here i sit blogging but i can hear the broadcaster from the other room. it is hard to find the core to my sadness. i only know how to be mad and upset. i have been in love with the sadness for soo long i don't trust a smiling face. especially a male smiling face but you know what i am easier on myself now. i think- no i believe.. that i am where i am suppose to be at this time in my life. i can't just expect to live all crazy and insane for the last 5 years and just walk away from it and a week later go ..."where is my happiness" ? i would not appreciate it as much as i could. i cannot expect anything only that i will die one day and when i do i will have survived the whole ride.. you know the one you must finish to prove you were alive?

up up and away...

i wake up and my heart is bouyant it seems light and helium filled. i feel my mood start to rise as soon as my feet hit the floor. with a smile on my face i reach up and untangle my link to the netherworld. i exhale deeply and hold the balloon upto my lips and shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. turning to whoever is around i smile and say.."BUT PAPA SMURF..." in the best helium induced smurf-ette voice that cracks up the whole world and then the headache hits me so i reach up again. after all they say laughter is the best medicine right?

coming up for air..

listen for the laughter that sings from the brook. listen to the wind whisper thru the leaves. listen for the silence as i wipe away the tears. know that mother nature has absolved all my fears. the night will never hold me...as i lie awake alone. the day will never find me without a place to call my own. the stars will always sparkle and the rain will always fall. the lord will always find me ..coming up for air

ask alice...

i bought this book of art by amy brown for $30.00 because of this picture haha. i love this picture and as soon as i forget about the amount of money i spent on the book i am going to cut it out and frame it and put it up on my wall so i can gaze at it everyday. i am not sure what it is that draws my undivided attention to it-all i can think to say is ...GO ASK ALICE

now..

i want you
to miss me
BUT...i know
i have no control
over that- NOW
only
REGRET
that
i didn't
love you
like u needed
to be loved
to miss me
like i miss u

diamond cutout ...

so my fingers are cramping and carpal tunnel has settled into my joints but i have 101 listings up and running on ebay. thank god for the buy it now option that keeps things busy in between start to finish. i just grabbed ahold of the jasper wedgewood vase to check it out and since that has been in the family and took control of my just gotta have it is now SOLD. i am now the proud owner of it. my nanny had a thing for wedgewood and so you know what that means right folks-i have a thing for wedgewood. plus my mom sold it to me for ten dollars. but gotta get change as i only have fifties and a one hundred dollars bill..hehe that never happens but there is not anywhere to go or spend it at. mom has been sick with the flu most of the day. last night she said her throat hurt and we bought cough drops while we were out earlier. she did get a flushot but by noon she was miserable in bed. all stuffy and grouchy and will you get me this will you get me that in her little girls i am sick voice which warmed my heart to the core. she is human after all. i love my mom and i hope she feels better and plus i know she would do the same for me. so here she is folks i picked out one listing that feels good and looks good and is sexy hot..well with spike heels and a tight pair of jeans and can't forget the red lipgloss..

hello this is a new with tags bob mackie embellished tunic sweater, size large. the inside label reads 53% cotton 35% acrylic 10% nylon and 2% spandex and is hand wash cold inside out. armpit to armpit is approx 23 inches across and the length is approx 28 inches. this tunic sweater sparkles with sequin and beaded diamond shapes in a graduated design and has chic diamond cutouts. snow white with long sleeves, ribbed cuffs and hem. sequin and beaded diamond shapes along neckline, diamond cutouts and a straight bottom hem. this whole look is more than classy it is spectacular. never been worn or tried on- new new new straight to you !

plus i do offer free shipping
( yours for the low price of ...?) thirty bucks
note to no one now that postage is over 8 bucks it is truly a deal.

foul..

i have three daughters so needless to say the bathroom was pretty busy at my house especially in the morning before school as we all had a tendency to love sleep. my oldest daughter use to lay down for the night with the clothes she would be wearing the next day just so she did not have to deal with my morning rage meltdown. like how many times do i have to yell and then scream from my warm sweet bed comforted by my pillow and blankets. HOW LOUD DO I HAVE TO SCREAM TO MY GIRLS..GET UP IF YOU MISS THE BUS I WILL KILL YOU!! i did not mean i would actually kill them silly people i was just trying to make sure i could savor as much relaxation as possible. i swear things would build up to insane crazy for me- like nuclear meltdown crazy but it did not even put fear in the heart of my girls because it was our daily morning ritual. one morning after the alarm clock started going off in their room and buzzing and buzzing and buzzing my preppy middle princess girl just blew my mind with such obnoxious behaviour i was tempted to mail her to her father. i all of a sudden realize the alarm clock has quit in their room when i had to stop to inhale before my rant could continue. i immediately fell back asleep but became aware of a body jumping in my queen size bed (which i share with my pillows )and i felt the sensation of the cotton sheet coming up over my head and i heard katie's voice say real calm and smug..it's okay mom i hit the snooze, go back to sleep and i will wake you up. but i was already back in dreamland or so i thought until ...the things you remember huh ? until the toxic foul poison gas from her butt hit the blanket barrier covering the top of my head drifted back down and OH MY FRIGGING GOSH it was like the stench had it's fingers wrapped around my throat cutting off my ability to breathe. i could have swore i looked into the face of death it smelled that bad. it made my eyes sting like someone had poured bleach in them or ammonia and i dropped and rolled onto the floor. i could not understand what was going on until i heard her giggling evil-yep she wasn't even laughing like funny haha she was giggling. i must have blacked out or something and the next thing i remember is burying her in the back yard underneath the rose bush to compensate for the smell. i mean she was never going to find a husband anyway and i will not be treated like that in my own house.

malachite...

how many more days til the casino lucky lady..? hehe yeah lucky lady who will lose all her money !! four more days until my luck runs out on me. runs out on me like a cheating lover. a cheating lover who you still want in your bed. my mother for some reason is taking me and aunt betty to a concert of the oh i don't know whatcha call it kind-elvis impersonator kind. can you yawn, roll your eyes and scream OMG in you head ! i mean motley crue is gonna be somewhere i heard it i wanna rock not laugh and roll my eyes. just checking in with myself before i vacuum the whole house so my mummy dearest will take me to the library. i bought a green shirt for luck and it is not neon green and no i can't tell you how much it cost cause it would sound like i am ghetto trash..but wait i did move here from the ghetto. oh yeah damn it is okay then 47 cents in the back clearance room in front of where i work. all the students are back now but i found it while they were all on break. it is not neon that i know would never attract anything but weird glares..get it glares. i need to eat. i already have my money set aside absorbing nothing but luck from off the special ledge i keep all the things that my medicine bag use to hold. the contents are secret of course but i did find a new addition the last time i won anything more than 18 dollars. i bought this malachite.. for fifty bucks well it picked me and what could i do but obey after all i am but a meager shell of emotions without my lipgloss on i am soo eaily led :)
at night i hold it in my left hand and it moves around and around my palm. it soothes me and woos me and usually it disappears before i sit up wide awake in bed all confused each and every morning before work going where did it go ? it has never hit the floor it is very attached to me plus malachite is one of the things that every body should have in their stash of charms and hoodoo vooodooo and howwwwwwwwwwwdooooyouuuuudooooodoooooooo

sea....

i amaze myself at times over my innate ability to return to childhood gestures for no other reason that i need to believe. case in point i paid close to a hundred bucks for this print at the local antique store. well i might have got him to lower the price by ten bucks but the tax made it seem the same. the owner was calling her betty and there were also two more prints that i must have eventually because they were a family. 2 different maidens enjoying the view with different landscapes. anyway i saw her months ago when i was browsing before christmas ...she is my lady of the lake.

this was my father's i remember this sailor gracing our hall wall ever since my youth. even though my father is gone there is a tendency to place his treasures strategically around the house out of respect-fuk it is cause we miss him. anyway this picture of the sailor guy sits in my room staring at books and a tv and me of course living my life. he is lonely i swear and back to my infantile longing to ease the pain of other's be they alive or dead or metaphoric to what i need for peace. they are placed across the room from each other and it is the strangest feeling my room has become okay with me. there is a balance that bleeds into my heart when i am inside this space..oh did i mention that i am in between them hehe. i mean it is not like i have grabbed each picture and are holding them together like barbie dolls making them smooch. come on people. besides it is too early in their relationship for that.
i am water
so is he
and so is she

plus this lady of the lake she has the same chin that my mother does. the picture following these words are my mom in yoounger years and with short hair...he is waiting for her they are sealed in the temple for time and eternity.