the chilly air

what is wrong with me? I am so happy yet at the same time...the only thing I breathe out is dread. So much has happened and i am still spinning like a top around the fact that maybe god has given me another chance at redemption. He has given us both a shot at the free throw line. Cap and I are back together. God how i love him sooooo much. He comes down every weekend, well my weekends off. And to top it off graveyard is killing me...I get home and wait for my man to call and tell him everything is going to be okay and that i cannot wait to see him. Then I hang up the phone after faking warmth in my voice when i tell him i love him. But as soon as i hang up the phone i start to bawl and cry like a baby. The guilt i feel just gnaws away at who i am it is all my fault what is happening. He is doing time for my drugs they found that one day back over a year ago. He has got to turn himself in on the third of next month for a year. And that is with good time, he will not be out no sooner than a year. I tried to talk to him about it and he just says you know i would not let them charge you with anything cause you have got your daughter to raise, it is my job to protect you baby. fuck shit damn...what is going on ? I was going to go back with him to spokane we both talked about it and stay at the house but I decided that this job i have got is a good one and it would be better for us and especially me if i stayed here and concentrate on getting a place here in idaho for him to move into and out of the meth infestation of spokane. MY only thing is I cannot hold it together and when I am not tormenting him with my insecurity, the guilt starts tormenting me. I walked away that day. Well I wasn't there when the cops came I was walking down the road on my way to pick up my car. Cause I had parked it in a fit of panic cause I had no valid lisc. and I thought the cops were following me ..which turned out they were. By the time I got home they had him handcuffed and would not let me in the house. They told me he had signed a statement that everything was his and that we were in the process of breaking up and he would take all the blame if they would just let me go. They just let me go and i waited for my man to get home and i kept using and so did he. We both felt time was running out and we sped along around the curves too fast, almost crashing everytime we stopped to catch our breath. What happened is the funny thing..I never fell out of love with him from the first time we made love over two and a half years ago.. and now i am angry when he cannot drop everything and be up here with me to hug me and remind me that he loves me and forgives me. I no longer have a vehicle and my mother hates him and everytime he calls she hangs up on him and
I start thinking he is blowing me off and you know it just gets away from me. Baby baby baby why can't i stop loving you? I only wanted the best for you and i am thinking that i may need therapy to help me cope with issues i had before you and i met. namely possom..
I will wait for you
i will wait for us
i need you more than you need what i am about
you only know me when i was using and with my self confidence
that i found with meth
i think that we are going to have issues
with my insecurity
and distance
as i try to view the world clean and sober
will you be my glasses
when the light is too dark
or when you just tell me to close my eyes?

altered states

altered states of emergency is more like it..coming clean again and again. I think I am going to try it one more time and see if i cannot acquire a taste for it. The irony about the whole thing is I feel like it is inside out when it comes to me. my altered state of consciousness is not being clean. I feel like a stranger to myself. I don't know whether i need to start over and let things be or try to rationalize why i chose the path I did. The thing about drugs is it feels good the first time you use. it is addicting that was my biggest downfall. I could not get the feel good from life when i needed it. When I had to have it, and I was to impatient to let it find me. So I cheated i paid for it. Ahhh that is the easy way out. Well the easy way in. I think back and wonder what happened to the good times..it is like they merged into something evil. A beast I could not control. My addiction was like a dangerous dog on a chain. I fed it and watered it like I was suppose to and let it inside my house. I know my children had to have an idea because of the knocks on the door at all times of the night. But in the beginning I had a good job and i told myself that it was okay cause I was a functioning addict. That is how I justified what i had become..a functioning addict. I used and abused and smoked and snorted and laughed and cried and longed for peace..stability..love..and always more. That was my drug of choice-MORE. I know alot about people and what they do to get by. The excuses they use to ease the reality of life. cause i used them all to. I did not want to stop and I did because i knew it was killing me and everything i stood for. now looking back i can see something and it hurts worse than the calm that soothed my irrational storm. It is the fact that meth is not going to go away, if anything it is worse now than when i first started close to twenty years ago. I think jail and probation is just a pee test away for everybody. And it is big business. I know cause i use to pick up the drug tests and second chance house and task everyday. I felt the panic as I walked out the front door of whatever business i was leaving. It was worse than a brick wall. it was invisible fear and anger not at me really but at what they had become. let me just state that at that time i was not using .I should have known better than to have ever shared that pipe with the beast. the jails are full of addicts and the jails are full of violent offenders and i feel it is not a good combination. It is time to fix the problem instead of just punishing the ones that get caught. there are so many victims..I remember one time i saw a toddler running across ash and then maple by the court house with nothing on but a diaper and i started yelling at him. i was just horrified cause it is a busy road. i scared him and he never even turned around. i went straight to the police desk in the ford building and hurriedly explained about this child ..that they needed to send a squad car something and they needed to do it now!!! I was told that unless i was willing to make s police report they weren't going to be able to send a squad car for him. I did the only thing a mother could do-I LOST IT.
I don't really remember reaching over the desk and knocking things over to get to what i cannot remember i just knew i had to do something besides jump up and down.
Later i was told that yeah the thing was the mom was a meth user and had passed out with her front door wide open and when the police brought her baby back she was so out of it they could not even wake her up. I know good people who use and I know more bad people who part of the problem. Why is it that everybody who uses regardless if they are good are not are labeled bad. Do we have to wait until enough good people are in the throes of meth before something can be done to help everybody. When you have a child before you leave the hospital if you test positive they take your child away for endangerment. I do know two or three women this has happened to and it breaks my heart. Why can't they ask for help before it comes to that instead of losing everything. just because you use does not mean you don't love your children.
i understand wanting to protect the young. But somewhere there has got to hope.
somewhere there has got to be middle ground.

knocker knocker out

tomorrow starts my working week. so i really need to make today count as far as getter done. my biggest downfall is thinking too much and not doing what i want. i over analyze everything and in all truth the only time i don't think and just react is when i am starting to fight some bitch who just can't quit running her mouth. I am not a killer though and half the time I would probably be declared not the winner. I am a pincher a hair puller and not a knocker knocker out. When I get to the point of losing it with the opposite sex I find myself walking off. As it goes after two years with Cap I am in shape with muscular legs and a weak heart. Oh and a little dehydrated from the loss of tears I wasted on something that would not change. About a week ago we were standing in the road in front of the house i was part of and I knew in my heart that I was over him and he was the coyote. The trickster at 60 yrs old. He started tearing up and grabbed a hold of my arm and just wouldn't let go. When I told him I had to go his tears fed my tears and i turned to go before he could wipe them off my face. Cause coyote should be avoided at this time, he will stoop as low as it takes to trick me back in love with him. If he had to crawl on his belly and shave the fur off his chest if that brought him low enough into the dirt-he would.
It was superbowl sunday and all the way back to darcies i panicked cause I thought he had one of my tears in his hand . And I knew if he was smart(but alas he is just superfically stupid) he could do more than trick me. I had a vision of my frozen teardrop slowly melting in his glass of lemonade as the game was just starting. I wondered if it cooled down the hot anger inside of him or if he choked on the taste of my bitterness

nominees for best presidential pretender are..

God I swore I was not going to get caught up in this bullshit. But something is happening and it is...not only at my house. It is spreading like a virus and I
know there is no flu shot that is going to kill this bug. No foot that is gonna
smash the life out of this insect. It is airborne and contaminating the lungs of
all it comes in contact with. Indeed the very words that follow exposure. It is not
related to the swine or avian flu or whatever strain has mutated this season. It
is more potent than the most virile cough. More contagious than the chickenpox. I catch
myself inhaling deeply with my mouth wide open amongst strangers-in my attempt to taste
that fragrant sense.
It smells like hope..
If there is one opportunity to take back our country it is now. But I feel like the
bullshit is going to be deep and dirty. Who and how you choose to vote for is your business. All I am saying is plug your nose if you have to and put your duckies back on your feet. Don't get lost in the shitstorm that is coming. Remember how good it smells after the storm ..when you can see the world again ?

throwing rocks..

So much has happened this past week I have changed and I am scared to look into the mirror..afraid I might like what I see. I am content now, no worse I am purring like a cat. I feel uncomfortable in new clothes, I always loved tight and constricting not loose and comfortable. Loose and comfortable like all the happy creatures wear. The only thing that I ache for I cannot find and I know Cap has it...are my rocks. Only because he believed in my power. It was a game until someone starts believing right? I miss my
malachite and my moldavite and moonstone, the rocks I had. That I had picked up and bought from a memory I just could not let go of, the one solid piece of something my fingers curled around as I was kneeling by my father's grave. A river rock from the cleansing embrace of the water racing down the back river in arkansas. My meteorites from
wonders of the world. I had piles of rock strategically placed everywhere, bad in my room- tektites from tibet and the fulgarites that once held onto the lightning as it burrowed in the sand. A kiss of electricity-perhaps for our mother, the earth. I cannot find anything anymore I guess I am letting go- after all I would have traded them all for the precious soul, that has joined my family. I just want to do something besides auctions on ebay and read my vampire books. My erotic vampire books ...yawn besides this is how bored I was yesterday night for supper instead of making homemade mashed potatos,I used cauliflour instead. IT WAS SOO GOOD!
Okay I now am hungry.
I want to get my rifle and go out to my aunts in the country and pull that trigger
again and again. Not my twenty gauge but my .22 rifle. i want to feel the pull when I launch a projectile into flight. I wouldn't even mind missing the first few (I never miss only at skeet tournaments, ha). If I could have the privlege of having to readjust my aim before hitting my target I think that would be swell. Hell if the lake was not impossible to get to I would throw rocks or at least skip them on top of the water..gimme back my bullets..NO I WANT TO SHOOT MY GUN and scream look at me you silly rabbit!!

medicine..

So much has happened this past week I have changed and I am scared to look into the mirror..afraid I might like what I see. I am content now, no worse I am purring like a cat. I feel uncomfortable in new clothes, I always loved tight and constricting not loose and comfortable. Loose and comfortable like all the happy creatures wear. The only thing that I ache for I cannot find and I know Cap has it. Only because he believed in my power. It was a game until someone starts believing right? I miss my
malachite and my moldavite and moonstone, the rocks I had. That I had picked up and bought from a memory I just could not let go of, the one solid piece of something my fingers curled around as I was kneeling by my father's grave. A river rock from the cleansing movement of water racing down the back river in arkansas. My meteorites from
wonders of the world in spokane . I had piles of rock strategically placed everywhere, bad in my room- tektites from tibet and the fulgarites that once held onto the lightning and it burrowed in the sand. A kiss of electricity-perhaps for our mother, the earth. I cannot find anything anymore I guess I am letting go after all I would have traded them all for the precious soul that has joined my family. I just want to do something besides auctions on ebay and read my vampire books. My erotic vampire books ...yawn besides this is how bored I was yesterday night for supper instead of making homemade mashed potatos,I used cauliflor instead. IT WAS SOO GOOD!
Okay I now am hungry.
I want to get my rifle and go out to my aunts in the country and pull that trigger
again and again. Not my twenty gauge remington but my .22 rifle. i want to feel the pull when I launch a projectile into flight. I wouldn't even mind missing the first few (I never miss only at skeet tournaments, ha). If I could have the privlege of having to readjust my aim before hitting my target I think that would be swell. Hell if the lake was impossible to get to I would throw rocks or at least skip them on top of the water..gimme back my bullets..NO I WANT TO SHOOT MY GUN

-a voice is a vice is a voice for you

well it seems my phone just keeps surprising me everytime it rings. Since when has everyone been concerned with my happiness? How many voices are there for my brain to figure out after the first hello. It is like "Kris is this you" and my thoughts are like who the fuck is this. And just as soon as my silence greets the voice with no face
I hear things like "this is Possom" or "it's Cap" or "this is your best friend calling cause I miss you so bad". It is weird cause this is home now. It makes me uncomfortable to try and answer all the questions they are firing off at me. I don't want to share this pocket of peace I have found in the ice and snow. I also don't know how long it is
going to last before it begins to lose its shape and like snow through the hourglass so are the days of our life.
I am not going to start dating any of my exes and that includes longtime exes like Possom. How the heck did he get my number that has not changed in twenty years and has been the same since we were together and apart. Mmmhhhh I bet our daughter gave it to him and why did we talk for almost two hours? Oh my God !! I think the adults are maturing. And why is he clean and sober? I thought if you were in a motorcycle club and a one percenter using drugs was required.
My feet are getting ready to do a jig, my step is light and my heart is free. I hear something....what may you ask? Concentrate Kris, don't let the pied piper (not meth-related) lead you away from your life!
It is the most contagious tune indeed..A Song of such beauty and beat. It is trying to find a way inside my head. I don't have enough hands to plug up all the holes in my head..no oh wait-yes there it is.
My hand is contaminated with something and my fingers are starting to snap.. I have to dance. Not the cotton-eyed Joe. The other one that is forbidden at my age-the strip tease. All the way into the bathroom so I can jump in the shower and start my day.

The little body I held..

The little body I held, had more strength inside of it than a titanium wall. The little voice I heard was more powerful than the crowds cheering at the Superbowl. The little foot I kissed was more alive than the tracks that followed me. The little noises he made while suckling did more than quench his thirst, it fed me. The way my daughter looked so lovingly at what I held in my arms moved me into another realm of acceptance. I will believe again. Not just in him but in myself. I lost something the first moment i saw him, when i set my baggage down. When I was coaching her ...yelling at her to push. The salt of my tears did something with the heaviness I had been carrying for so long. It dried up and evaporated into the air and was gone. And you know what? Under all that weight there was me . I will never give up . I will always always be here in case you will ever need me little one. You saved me by being born.

May 06, 2005

There are some things left better alone right? I was looking through some of my old journal entries ..in particular my shadow entries. This was a time I was in the throes of meth-related delirium. I don't know why I used so long all i know is i will never use again. But there use to be something in the shadows whispering in my ear..Anyway i don't know if I am more ashamed of the automatic writing or the thought that I was writing something good..How can addiction which is BAD< BAD < BAD spit out the taste of anything pure? IT CANNOT!!! And this is the twisted part-the longer i stayed up the easier it was to merge with the shadow people. I truly believed they were my friends -Emily, Elizabeth and Jeho...cannot say that one.
Anyway there are two different entries I don't know why I am doing this ..The first one goes..
If mankind cannot fulfill his destiny, all shall be lost. A great dishonor will be the only distinction of a wasted existence. For it was once believed redemption would be the only outcome-in many a mortal endeavor. You are not forgotten..Your struggle and hardships are what you demanded from the Father. He is not the one punishing you .AND THE SECOND MORE SERIOUSLY TWISTED
... Do not be fooled by reality. It does not really exist at anywhere or at anytime.
It is nothing more than the playing field. Nothing but the odds, the numbers which trigger the outcome. Like the days and years, even the hairs on your head..how many breaths you will exhale, how many lives you will ruin. Even the number of children you will bring to the team . It is the simplicity that complicates the game. Nothing
you have been given to ease your plight of mortality means anything. you are nothing but a fleeting thought..You are still an animal and shame the master dutifully. You are like a dog nobody wants, left outside. And only fed to shut you up. It is your
thoughts that rise up and shatter the quiet of the heavens like glass shattering our window of earth, "our view of you".
I am the voice of many who long to put you out of your misery. To end the suffering that stirs the heavens. Your stench of fecal decay overpowers the fragrant sense of
the garden that we tend. You are a weed, nothing more.
Nobody knows how long ago the almighty father turned to us and wished for something, after he wished for you. We are his longing for you. So powerful the thoughts of his universal mind-that gave birth to our enlightened state of consciousness. We must co-exist together because we are related by the same thought. We fit together only
on different planes of the same playing field. We are not cheerleaders chanting go go go with our arms in the air, cause you are losing the game. The only game that matters you are throwing it away. I can tell you about a destiny that is yours..

the banks of the asphalt river

I promised you a wave that was all you were getting. From across the street, that would be our asphalt river neither would cross. I cannot remember what you were saying as you lit my cigarette. i only knew that my mind was screaming louder than the crowds at the super bowl ...COYOTE

on the rez

The road past the cda casino-plummer and tensed are not lighted and dangerous if you
panic. It is the other vehicles that endanger everyone, the logging trucks speed like demons down death's highway. But I have always felt the two hour trip was a rechargeable battery that kept part of my soul working. Only for some reason I was not
plugged in correctly or maybe I was and didn't realize it. I kept sensing one of those deer that i saw earlier getting ready to leap out into my path and it was fucking with me bad. Earlier during daylight hours heading towards spokane I must have counted four or five feeding close to the road. My eyes focused on distant shadows in the dark and I cringed everytime the wind blew on whatever the shadow was apart of. I almost became frightened of my imagination but then I cleared my throat and wiped off part of the front windshield and dialed the radio in and turned the volume up up up -METAL. Yes HEAVY METAL would work it would be my carriage of choice. I did not want to hit a deer and I didn't want to stop driving. I only wanted to get my tired self home so I could pee

monthly lowdown (3/30/05)

jesus loves me this i know...
I found jesus hiding behind a box of tampax in the back of the cabinet.
And I reacted in my normal demented deviant way and threw the box in the trash.
After making sure each cotton-tailed sinner stick was accounted for and ready for duty.

tick, tick tick.....TICK

I thought about the title for a little while and decided let it be the timebomb
fixing to blow apart my boredom. I use to live in bum fuck arkansas with my most
favorite person in the whole world. And that was my nanny...my mothers mom. I lived
with her my freshman and my senior year cause with my dad in the navy I did not
want to have to be in two different schools each of those years. Yes I have alot
of first days tucked away in some thrown out photo album. I hate first days . I
pass on that ..and like I told my mom I would rather live in Arkansas than start
school there with only two months left. Next thing you know I am putting real
wood from a tree in a woodburning cast iron stove. And feeding chickens and yes
running from the devil himself. That stupid rooster was fucking mean.
Okay I was trying not to remember those were the best days of my life, except for
the chiggers and some of the chores. On those humid twilight evenings when pa and
ma are just swinging on there porch swing with all the windows open so they can hear
hee haw and all of a sudden here comes sweet little young city girl around the corner with that look on her face. That look of pure boredom and she asks what there is to do. Yes she has already milked the goat but daisy May knocked the bucket over and yes she gathered the eggs but dropped them all when that stupid rooster came after her.
And kris the dear sweet child has this look on her face like she wants blood, well
grandma is going to give her a cure.Yep dear sweet ole grandma-she calls heidi the weiner dog outside and hands me a hammer it was only then that I realized how much i want my mommy. MOMMY!! I want closure on those dark nights and i want the
nightmares to quit. I get one every so often and it just freaks the shit out of me
cause of the things she made me do ..and let me just state in her defense that this
was something that use to be done on the farm after i started my therapy. It is only
for the strong of heart. Dig the biggest juiciest plumpest ticks out of the dogs ear
and squash them with a hammer before they find another warm invite. Like the one I discovered while taking a shower that very same night.The one that had burrowed in my belly button. It was my screams of insanity that brought her into my biggest nightmare. And it is because of her simple white lie that a part of me is ruined. She told me not to worry that she had it... that it was off. She quit paying attention to that evil bug, in an attempt to calm me down. And that mighty tick warrior jumped free and ran back up my flesh to re-attatch itself to my scalp and she started giggling so hard at my get that thing off my skin dance that had I not been naked I would have ran outside and been lost forever.

the smell of cool rain on the hot pavement

I am not gonna try to be a black cloud on purpose anymore. I am not promising to be blue skies and chipper. I am only thinking I am going to try to take off this black veil i have been mourning in. Life is far from perfect and who can say if it will get any better, cannot get any worse. My age is forty and a year. God I have alot to get done or undone. What to post about mmhhh let's talk about the white sheet of snow .
Well it is actually more than a sheet more like a blanket, not a comforter at least for me. More like a straight jacket. ahh much better word, well except for the straight
part, hahaha. It is my blessing in disguise. I know that. I don't have to like it. It just is happening and my life in spokane is getting farther and farther away lost in some cave, like a hibernating bear. Winter got in the way. Am I safe or is it safe from the likes of me? My favorite flavor is in spokane. I catch myself licking my lips in anticipation
There I go with my sex on the brain thing. I know there are plenty of toys in the toybox. You just got to play with a few and dig further deeper inside , hell I will probably have to get out the heavy equipment and start digging for graves before I find the one I want. If I played better with others would I still want the one I can't have. You
bet your bottom dollar I would. No I don't want a dolly...dig deeper kris ..This
is starting to get kinda exciting for me and I don't have the time to narrate
what my little hands are feeling around for because I just heard teacher. Teacher
is the only one who has the power to close the lid on this buried treasure and nail
it shut. Oh where is the map, shit it is inside my head

In the Navy,, you can sail the seven seas

God My niece did it..she survived boot camp. All without complaining about the loss of a chipped nail, she did it for her country. To prove that she could serve. She must have squirmed just a little while they were busy chopping off her hair, gnawing away at her identity.I can only hope she did not join for the hat, cause she has always had a
thing for sunglasses and hats since she was a kid. She looks good in the hat.She is smiling in this picture. Please don't ever lose that smile and that fast pitch you can launch into the stratosphere.
She was voted Best Recruit by her peers. She is in Florida now fine tuning the skills she is going to need to bring the planes in..on the aircraft carrier that is going to hold our precious cargo. The war is just
starting to come into focus for us now that she is fixing to wave by at us and ship off to the land of hate and bloodshed. I don't know if she is ready to taste what they are offering, i don't want her to choke and I don't want her to swallow any of
that toxic poison they sprinkle like seeds on the top of their salad.I want her to spit it on the ground and leave it there. To hurl it as far away from her as possible. I wonder though if anybody has taught her to spit..to spit like a man..?

generational gasps

Just got off the phone with Angela , my 17 year old. She just informed me that her mucus plug is blankety blank blank and the baby has dropped. I am sooooooooooo excited for this it is the one show i cannot miss .. If i have to put snow shoes on both my feet and hold onto the back of the snow plow - I will. Part of me wants to see her and how she handles the pain. THE WHOLE TRUTH IS I WANT TO FEED ON THE FEELING OF THAT FIRST LOOK THAT IS SHARED BETWEEN A MOTHER AND A CHILD. I want to believe again. I want to hold a precious soul
again. I want to know that it is part of me. I want to kiss it's little nose and support it's head. I want to believe in the love of a child. It is the only thing that is unconditional, am I right? I happen also to believe that a newborn baby is the closest thing to God that we will ever come in contact with. The purity, the sanctity..the absolute belief -that only good is starting inside this little body and it is upto us to protect that for as long as we can..Angela Kathleen I am so proud of you-welcome to motherhood

devil in drag

did you hear the laughter
in the light of the moon
the laughter was growing
as it entered my room
it was chuckling like crazy
as it hit the ground
the laughter was singing
and jumping around
the laughter pinched me
hard on the ass
and laughed even harder
as i opened the door
it ran down the street
and hollered for more
it hollered so loud
i heard what it said
the devil won't find me
i know where to hide
the laughter changed
and it went for a ride
a dancing shadow
without a face
now now now
the devil is here
outside my place
dressed in drag
looking for laughter
in the pouring rain

coat of many layers

My coat of many colors my mama made for me..no this is the one i made all by myself. the one I tried to piece together in the dark. I have got to stop this musing . I don't want him anymore. But why won't I stop tormenting myself with these deep scratches, this longing for pain. I am crying and fine all in the same breathe. I am dying and being born. I am winning and losing myself before the race even starts or finishes. Kris stop putting him on and taking him off like a sweater. You don't know if you are too warm or cold. All you feel is uncomfortable. You know there is a change in the weather, that the seasons are changing in your life...let that be enough.

her eyes

What to post about today..Some thought to get out of my head and into my journal . Garage sale time without the customers. Cleaning house without the growing pile of debris that has to be sorted and then launched into the trash, unless you are about recycling. I myself like to give things away and the only thing I recycle is cardboard and cans. Not milk jugs cause they can hold water, not egg cartons cause my daughter can use them to sort her beads. Not my boyfriends cause if they had the power to get me off-I have a tendency to call them sometime for service.
So let's see what I don't have is alot of space inside this head. But I ask you what is space and why is it so valuable? I guess it depends on what you want it for. How come my weeds are so much more robust and healthy than my functioning neighbor? Why doesn't the heat from the sun dry them out? Because seeds planted in the mind always grow when watered. I am thirsty for life, for one swallow of something..
I would like to stretch out in the warm water at spring valley and float out on my back. Slowly spinning on the currents of time ..safe and relaxed. I like it when I cannot touch the bottom , when I am in the middle of the lake with the fishermen and way past the buoys. Why do I always swim straight out past the markers to her heart...cause I don't have one maybe?
No cause the quiet is there
the ospreys are her eyes and it is her gaze of calmness that I feel looking down upon me.

her eyes (3 year old draft)

first saved draft from 3 or 4 years back ..still the connect to spring valley where the lady of the lake resides :)





What to post about today..Some thought to get out of my head and into my journal . Garage sale time without the customers. Cleaning house without the growing pile of debris that has to be sorted and then launched into the trash, unless you are about recycling. I myself like to give things away and the only thing I recycle is cardboard and cans. Not milk jugs cause they can hold water, not egg cartons cause my daughter can use them to sort her beads. Not my boyfriends cause if they had the power to get me off-I have a tendency to call them sometime for service.
So let's see what I don't have is alot of space inside this head. But I ask you what is space and why is it so valuable? I guess it depends on what you want it for. How come my weeds are so much more robust and healthy than my functioning neighbor? Why doesn't the heat from the sun dry them out? Because seeds planted in the mind always grow when watered. I am thirsty for life, for one swallow of something..
I would like to stretch out in the warm water at spring valley and float out on my back. Slowly spinning on the currents of time ..safe and relaxed. I like it when I cannot touch the bottom , when I am in the middle of the lake with the fishermen and way past the buoys. Why do I always swim straight out past the markers to her heart...cause I don't have one maybe?
No cause the quiet is there
the ospreys are her eyes and it is her gaze of calmness that I feel looking down upon me.

where there is hope 1/20/08

God it was sooo good to hear your voice on the other end of the phone. Ahhh misadventure after misadventure we have shared over the years. Are we connected by the Davis charm or the Davis curse..how much I have come to absolutely rely on you to restore my sanity, cause only you knew how crazy a Davis could make one. Only you, only you Hope know of my love and heartbreak. How my love for him destroyed any taste of a normal life or future as a functioning adult. I remember calling you everytime I was spent. Everytime I was used up and you would know-you never had to ask. You knew of my suffering and deepest dark depression, cause you had shared it your self in this unfolding Davis drama. God did the years and usage speed away from us and all we had to offer? I could barely keep my head above the water that last week. I forgot how to breath and was starting to turn red..dark red. I was so lost and confused. I have cried so many tears since I met you and since I last talked to you. I tried to hold out til you were out. But I could not have done it any longer without drowning in my shallow spoon of despair. It was only your kind words that saved me for a couple more days. The last time i let you give me air to breathe, one last dying breath to hold onto..You said Kris did you forget how beautiful you are ? when you heard my sad voice on the other line..
Yes hope my vice got in the way, my future daughter in law. If I could have only believed the words you fed to me, would it have been enough.
I don't know Cap was my Dr. Kervorkian
and all I wanted was the cure

til death do us part

I saw something earlier today that said if you died today would you be ready? Ready, set and willing.. Close to two months ago I had another brush with the arid taste of death. I was fine with how things were happening. I really was. I had no desire to stay in this godforsaken place. I was not fearful, but eerie calm. It had all happened so fast. I like fast, no I love fast! I lived fast and wanted to die at the scene before the faces of my children flashed before me. I forgot how to breathe as soon as I hit the pavement. I must have left that bit of knowledge standing there in the "present" before the car slammed into us. I had just stepped out of the blazer on the passenger side because I had seen a friend who had just got out of prison. The blazer was running and in park, my door was wide open and I was hugging what should have been my last remembrance of the journey. You know the journey you must finish to prove you are alive? The one that isn't done with me yet...WHAM from out of hell this car headed in the opposite way slams head on into us, without slowing down. I never moved after that.I could hear people and see faces of concern and anger. I could hear yelling as other vehicles stopped to help, but I did not care. I didn't want to breathe anymore. I did not want anything but for the rain to quit falling on my face, the cold rain..Now that everything is said and done I have one question...God is the reason that I am still here is cause you are giving me one last chance to die a good person? ..Hurry and catch me if you can!

LADY OF THE LAKE

As long as the sun shines and the moonlight puts us to sleep I have been walking in two worlds. The drug world and the real world. I cannot remember if the real world is make believe or fantasy. So I guess I will have to take fantasy, only because I am female. This picture is of my little girl and how I wish I could act cause we are stuck in winter here. I am clean clean clean now sparkly clean. This is from an old post so don't worry about the reference about the drug world. Guess i could delete it but then I would only be hiding something about myself and that is how
wonderful it feels to be where I am..

Anyway here goes..everytime the wind blows it is her breath I feel whispering in my ear "come to me". It tickles my soul with longing. I feel her presence inside me when i look in the mirror especially when I am putting on my mascara. That is the onlly time I really look into my eyes.. Look deep into my eyes. I am restless. I want to join her by the lake. I want to immerse myself in her spirit. I want to stick my warm blooded toes into the crystal clear reflection sparkling on top of the water, smiling back at me.. I am home.. Mom I am home...
with my dirty laundry, unshowered and ugly with all the sickness of the world coating my flesh and suffocating my soul-so much so that I find it hard to breathe. Mother it is I. Your biggest fuck up, your biggest failure. Here to fill up my heart with all your wonder and yes sympathy. And fresh beginnings..all before I leave again. Like every child. Why am I back? To wait for you to get back from your long cold sleep , to wake you with my pleas , to ask if you will soothe away all that ails me. Like a good mother would.
It is my turn for her quick kiss upon my hair. It is her turn to purify, to detoxify what has infected my body with it's poison. I must get to the lake. She needs me almost as much as I need her. We heal each other with our essence, our connection at birth. She is my blood, she runs through my veins. The wind is her breath that runs through my hair, pulsating with magic out into the open sky. I am her body and you are the journey...ahhh hell I just wanna swim in her sparkling laughter and taste weightlessness one more time..Mommy wake from the slumber of winter...

Boy

This is an old boyfriend. I think I left him tied up somewhere. He had major bondage issues...I need to make sure he made it home okay after all these years. God does he look familiar to anyone?

silent musing

how could my lips silence
the primal screams
of my heart
how could my throat swallow
this aching hunger
and dying thirst

Invisibility Screams..1/14/08

On December 28th 2007 my tribe, the Miwok people out of northern California were trying to petition the government for recognition. I have a document that says..."in 1579 Sir Francis Drake was greeted by the Miwok Indians". Alot has happened since then. For one the world is high definition not black and white anymore. And who the fuck is Sir Francis Drake? The only thing I know about being an indian is that I do not hold my alcohol well. But in all truth I do love trying.
Anyways when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter Erica almost 20 years ago, I did not have health insurance. But at the time I felt the pull of wanting to further my education. I went to Haskell Indian College in Kansas and God they gave me more than a taste of hope. I was given my class schedule, my books and even a locker to keep everything in. But the sweetest thing was they covered all my health issues as long as I was enrolled at their school. I was so proud of myself. I wanted to believe I could do something (like have a child) at the same time I was pursuing an education. All on my own. I have never met a Miwok I was not related too.
Haskell was proud to have me as they had never heard of my tribe and welcomed me with open arms. It made me feel wonderful for about 4 or 5 days, I slept so good and my step was light. I laughed at the sickness in the world. When I reported back for my orientation they had bad news..seems my tribe had never signed a peace treaty back before when the west was wild and since they were funded by the federal government , they were unable to accept my application.
They were unable to see me
because I had no skin
I was invisible....

Diamond Girl

I picked up the phone after I had made it here safely. After my heart had calmed down. I called the guy who had been involved in my accident and lo and behold I was told that I needed to call you. Baby girl I am a survivor. I miss you almost as much as I miss him. Nope that is not really true I miss you more, cause you were about my happiness. He only fed my sorrow. That bile taste he tried to feed me in a spoon, like medicine. Addiction is not about the taste but the thirst, hhuh? I told you I was leaving a few days before it happened-but then again I had said that how many times before. You knew I was soo unhappy. You said to me "Kris as your best friend in the world I am asking you, no I am begging you, please don't go. Just give it a week." We got in a screaming fight cause I could not do it any longer , it was not healthy. I was dying inside. I was too dirty. I had fallen out of love with him the night before,for good. After two years our time had past.
But you lady..God I remember the warmth of your breath in my ear, the sound of your laughter tickling my soul and I remember you walking down my road in my black hooker boots so hot that you were on fire. Your beauty and charm were legendary, as was your vice. I called you my favorite pedophile cause your boy toys were always 8 to 12 years younger than your 39 years. I remember you rushing to my side the night I took a bunch of pills and climbing into bed with me and holding me and crying the tears I could not remember to shed. Where was I ? I was home in a way, safe in your arms. I remember each of your boyfriends- Chris, David, Frank, Tim and Ronnie and how they came to rely on me. What Ronnie said " I was the glue that held you two
together" What are you to me now, looking back? You are a thorn I cannot pull out of my mind. You are a beautiful fragrant sense that I cannot mask with the smell of reality. You are lost now I know it. I told you I loved you and I mean it. Sandy Sandy sandy you must go upto the mountain. He will be there waiting for you...you must get clean. You must mean something to your kids, you must mean something to yourself. I taste your sadness when I dream at night and everytime I close my eyes I see your eyes lighting up my face. You know all my secrets, my fears my shame, my fantasies and you still loved me. Even as you watched me fall on my face over and over again. I cannot hold my hand out to you at this time because I will fall off this ledge I am perched on . If I should lose my footing I will not be getting up. You know about not getting up. Let me be that voice that nagging in your heart that questions where you are headed. I am conscience.. My last memory I have of you is at Will's house. Climbing into bed with you (with clothes on ) and me crying cause I could not find my man and you rubbing my hair telling me, whispering everything is gonna be okay, he loves you. No he doesn't I cried and you said Kris " he is in love with the sadness" Now I am in love with the sadness. I am the sadnes..Sandy I love you and one day I will see you on the other side..

The light hurts my eyes 1-17-2008

Alone and being alone are they the same? Is one safer than the other? Is one more socially acceptable? I think my inner soul has not come to the realization that you are gone, no more
notta..But I can still feel something and this is what comforts me, it is the fact that i can still feel your love surrounding my aura, surrounding my body like a ghost. Am I the ghost that nobody sees of the shell that hides the answer. I miss you. I miss you. I miss us. I miss you laying in bed besides me and the sun shining in our window each morning. That is what I miss, the morning bliss. When the day had not started yet, had not taken it's toll on our suffering . When it was you and me against the world. When it was you and me against the snooze going off over and over again. How we would hit that button like idiots so we could hold onto the warmth we shared together in that bed, that held our life. That fucking bed that knows of my tears as I waited for you to come home to me, come home to us. The dreams my pillow kept from you.. that I was too scared too share.
Now I pull the shades down, blocking out the light and cursing the sun.

The Playground (1/24/08) Live journal

I use to get my ass to the playground all the time, all so I could swing. Ahh the taste I could
not get enough of-the wind in my hair. What was your favorite ride? Not the teeter totter, cause it was soo boring, and it was all about the balance on both sides. It took two..
just like relationships. Relationships sigh, how come someone is always jumping off when you are
so high up in the air, where the quiet is. One swan dive onto the pavement coming up.
And we cannot forget the benches that are inside this gated bliss I call
FOUL. We need all the spectators, the criticizers, the moms and few dads that are not there to
keep an eye on their kids but to watch your sad attempt at play. Your few attempts at laughter. Your grasp at freedom You follow the path in front of you-right to the steps that lead up up up and you think you are headed for the heavens. you think so but- NOT. And once you look down and see the slide you have two choices either you fight your way back down the way you came up and lose even more than the view, you lose the privilege of being adult.
Always Always go down the slide, and always jump off the diving board if you have people
waiting in line behind you. Cause maybe for that one second you can be something else than that sad pathetic animal that is caged up inside your mind. You can be the inspiration for a pair of eyes that are following your backside the ones that are starting to panic cause they are almost where you are and there is somebody behind them in line .. Do it and burn your ass on the way down on that hot metal slide..do it and smile cause u like it like that. You like it like that and you want them to feel the burn of life..on their ass. Cause you like the thought of that just a little more.

Nominees for best dreamer in a losing category are..

Hi my name is not important and some things I am good at are -being an alcoholic, using drugs, yelling at my kids, picking my nose, taking care of myself sexually, lying to myself, pretending to be somebody I am not, being lazy and not picking up after myself of others, wasting precious money,
trusting strangers, feeding stray animals when we don't have enough, driving without insurance,
driving without a destination, not listening, being a tease on dates, being a slut, staying out late,
drinking too much, stalling for time, not shaving my legs, not wearing matching socks, not giving
a fuck, showing up late or not at all, not finishing a book, not going to church, not wearing panties, peeling the skin off the turkey on thanksgiving day before anybody else, taking pain pills for a simple head ache, asking for a massage when my muscles don't ache at all, farting and blaming it on my children( especially Cassidy), tormenting the men in my life, cheating on my spouse, lying to my mom about what I have been doing, not paying my bills, taking the phone off the hook, having
one night stands, being sexually frustrated, arguing, being cruel, talking back, not voting (though i plan to change that) dreaming that I am gonna matter to someone one day, thinking things are
gonna get better, demanding respect from my kids (but not getting it), falling down and not getting up, throwing up when I mix up my booze, fighting with other females, looking the other
way, not believing in humanity, or the government, not following a recipe, not sharing, not smiling
at others, not brushing my teeth, swallowing my gum, taking my daughters chocolate out of her halloween bag and eating it, borrowing music cd's without permission, spending too much time on the back trails of life, killing butterflies and feeding them to the elves of the forest,

Okay some thing has got to change here ..okay i am growing growing ...Into what ? Not a functioning adult not a wise ole woman. I guess I need to clarify how the bad things I am
not to proud of has made me a stronger bitter no bullshitter kinda lass. For one thing let
me just say my baggage got so heavy, I had more than just one suitcase mind you and only
two hands ,ahhh but the purring pussy of life.. I put my bags down and there is always
a man there offering to pick them up and carry part of my load for me..always some kind
of animal drawn to the smell of what ? not just me cause they want to get to know me and
help me spiritually No because how I look in the mirror , the way my ass moves in a tight
pair of levi's. They have tried to feed my vice just to keep me where I am and that is in their
pasture.. But guess what sweeties? I broke out and I am not coming back to pasture in
some forgotten field of destiny. That was yours, not mine. Feed your lies to next next hussy
you have to hustle the next head of cattle you try to fatten up with your words. This pure
bred (not stallion mmmhh ,what is the correct word) filly will fly over mountains now that
the weight of your world has set her free.
So now about myself I am a recovering addict .I have been clean clean seriously clean about
three months , I don't smoke as many cigarettes as I use to since I only smoke when i use.
My drug of choice now is life. I am an avid nature lover and believe there is a lady in the lake
close by where I live, I need to work on my social drinking skills and would like to start.. how
about now ? I am in need of new friends , new directions that will bring me out into the light, I
cook supper everynight and laugh with my children when possible, I long for love just like
eveyone else but am starting to realize that I might just need to find a fucktoy.