leap of faith

Today while fishing thru pictures trying to find something that just does not suck a big one I came across my little trip to Lewiston, Idaho. I remember it was the first time in a long time it was not dreary and raining. I jumped up on the scenic block and yelled to my friend take a picture take a picture !! We were the only ones on that lonely deserted road and since he was not use to my vibrant dominant personality ...the only response I got was him looking back over his shoulder the way we had come. Oh man I thought in my head another dead head, you know the kind. The ones that will not bend the rules out in the real world especially if it involves getting in my pants. Ooops I meant good graces. I felt my eye roll grimace ,move across my face and I start to shudder at his baaahumbug demeanor. Think I got down to appease him ? That would be a NEGATIVE ghostrider.

Sunday is diva loves daddy day

It is funny how cute and adorable I find my daughter when she is acting like a retard. Daddy this one is for you..From your favorite ex-wife LOL !
P.s. maybe it is only funny if you have the volume up..do I really sound like that when I laugh ? Damn now I got something else to work on if I am ever gonna find me a future ex-husband. Acceptance is guaranteed I say I say with that tantlizingly seductive smile on my face.

balance miwokdreamer..

Okay, usually the only time I utter the word balance is when I am watching one of my daughters.. trying to walk in a pair of my heels. Did I ever mention the awesome power of the spiked heel ? I mean like WOW it ranks right up there with big boobs and cleavage... with the guys

sailor boy..

I love this picture of my dad when he was just beginning his career. Well in all truth he was just beginning with my mother and her two beautiful daughters from a previous marriage. Her two little indian maids- Kris and Julie. Notice how I put my name in front ? I am the oldest and that means line leader. Obey my authority...okay so where was I. The garage sale is going extrememly well. Things weren't looking so good a couple hours ago. My mom has to over price things and of course it drives me insane. Beanie babies for $3.00 and they are not even bears ! We actually had three groups of tourists come by and buy up most of the kachinas and navaho sand paintings like wow those were not cheap. And 3 offers on the piano. One lady said she will pay the asking price ..but she don't get paid til tuesday.So we will see. It is getting so everyday I have to have a picture.. to post with my intellectual rants. Good thing my camera lens got fixed-thanks John ! gotta go

garage sale

I think I fell in love today ! With who Kris ? The boy guy next door ? NO it was with the sunshine and the soft breeze tickling my face. Less complications..I say- because getting ready for tomorrow is going to be crazy ! Garage sale with the neighbor lady. The lady who is so nice and alive with laughter and a kind word. I wish I could warm up a cold dark day the way she can. The shed is no longer going to be full of skeletons . Are you ready miwokdreamer for the madness of memory ? YES MASTER ! Will I get past the piles of clothes that are never going to fit me anymore? Or will I stash them in that make-believe mountain that will be too high for me to reach the top of. The mountain of not gonna happen, not gonna fit or fix, the mountain that I am not going to climb !

the good doctor (20 yrs ago)

This is going out to my favorite doctor at the time I first became pregnant. Which soon changed to dreadful fascination. While I silently waited for him to stand up and say something..anything-about my bruised and battered body. The fingerprint bruising around my neck or the blackest purple goose eggs embedded in my thighs from being punched, choked and even kicked by the trickster. I in the end became better than the trickster- because I tricked myself into believing things would change. The good doctor who never asked questions and who never made eye contact with the trembling hand. The trembling hand that silently wiped the tears away before they hit the floor. I did not know how to ask for anything I was in too deep. every month i would beg my god  that you would help me, that by noticing my plight  I would actually remember that I was alive. You made me believe I was a ghost...that I had no skin. Invisible. I cried and whimpered in pain getting up and down off that examing table. And with each whispered gasp of red hot pain screaming from every pore of my body, I felt relief loosen the stability of my mind.I cannot point a finger at only you because I was the one who could not say the words out loud .In a way it was only me and you. And since he waited in the hall it bought me a few quiet moments to soothe my stirrings . That all was not right. And Doctor Jeffrey Scott-fuck you

right now...

I am sitting in my mother's room at her desk, with the sunlight spilling thru the blinds of the window. I am suppose to be checking movie times in pullman for the karate kid. I have got to finish painting the shed so we can return the ladder to the neighbor. Teri the realtor and my second cousin by marriage will be by sometime today to sink a wooden stake in the ground in front of the house-for sale ! Let's see less rhymes and words about sadness and remorse. I just finished reading the Host by stephanie meyer. I would give it two and a half stars out of four. I just started reading the emerald tablet. very very interesting, so far-with hermes trisgetmitus as the star. I do know that is not the correct spelling of his last name. I am done yawning the taste of sleep has left my building. Last night my daughter and I were outside laughing and being silly. We were spinning round in circles. it was so fun! Please no more boring memories of her childhood Kris. stop stop pls. We are at liberty park and the skies are sinister, an ominous heavy blanket of rolling clouds smother any sounds that ever existed. It is like the world is stuffy, congested with a head cold. I love to be outside in the falling rain, it cleanses the filth of the ghetto off your hide. I start to feel like it is I who is congested the longer I am around the sick people who frequent my house. I was poor so alot of the things I do may resemble simple stupidity but it is the symbolic metaphor that loosens my chains.First I would put clean sheets on my bed and pillowcases and leave clean clothes by the door. I would grab cassidy's hand and yell let's go go go- and we would head to the swings at the park that are forever and around the block away. The whole time we are walking I am picturing the water washing away the anger the lies the bitter emotions that coat my hair and skin from the tweekers and the other hood ornaments. The thunder would scare my daughter a little at first and I would distract her with the one one thousand two one thousand . But it was the lightning that would terrify me and hearing my scream would send her in a frenzy. get to the swings mama hahah. the metal swings-if she only knew. We would finally get to the swings and god i love the feel of the wind blowing across my brow and her invisible fingers untangling the knots in my hair. I would have my arms wrapped around her and her face blocked in my chest, so she would not realize how bad the storm was or more importantly how far we had to walk to get back home. Somehow I had started twisting her around and around.I look up at the car with the parents right before i let her go. It is not child abuse if you are trying to help her weather her fear right. I look up at her little legs and see how high up she is ...even how twisted and knotted the chains are. Before I whisper keep your hands in the same spot or the chain will bite you bad. Ready my love for the ride I wish I never had.....whoooooooshhh mamamamamamaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!!!!!!! She loved it and so did I

electrolyte of insanity

I hear the lips of something
whispering in my head
I don't know how to explain it
this thing I call the dread
I swear it must mean something
my feeling is dark and bleak
it makes me wish for nothing
nothing I want to keep

spirit of the soul ..the Lord's lonely watcher

Within "you" is my spot
my seat upon the throne
my dungeon of earthly horrors
my home away from home
surrounded within the living
trapped inside the flesh
I witness all the living
recording what you do
I am not the judge or the jury
the verdict or defense
I am the journey
how it started
chapters in a book
a novel full of pages
each page is a step
so what's the use in trying
I've seen it all before
your not going to make it
you always let him down
trapped deep inside you
I utter not a sound

Milton wrote;

In her sweetest saddest plight
smoothing the rugged brow of night
Sweet bird, shun'st the noise of folly
most musical, most melancholy

the cord

Things I am not about and the things I would like to be are somehow twisted together into an odd dna cord. An umbilical cord that feeds my inner child ...as it wraps tight around my throat. Cutting off the ability to breathe.

the color of polish on our toes

Wow I do not want to make myself appear like a bad mom by posting an old poem my oldest wrote about me maybe close to 9 or 10 years ago. It was after my breakup with Max. My girls use to adore my alcholic find...he use to paint our toenails as he bowed at our feet. Max took off with my credit cards a few times and maxxed them out with his love of game. 3 or 4 thousand it was before I said leave. And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I felt at the time that it was none of their business to break the news I could not burst the bubble he had surrounded us with. I just could not tell them the truth why & they hated me for it! Because they could not understand my detatchment from what he had become. A part of the family. Is it funny looking back how after their dad and I split... he would try to punish me by forgetting our kids. And that I was the one.. who could not break the belief they had in his love. I bought them presents from him and nobody knew. But I was twisted of course, for example my daughter of goth music opened up the present from dad ..."brittney spears" she would whisper shaking her head.


your mom seems very special in the head
she likes to have men by her side
when she's in bed
she's getting quite bored though
she wants something new
she wants something different
that something is you
run, run, run as fast as you can
she's going to rape you
it's part of her plan
if she catches you,
it's your most unlucky day
she'll tie you upto her bed
and have her way
run, run, run as fast as you can
knock her out with that frying pan
if you don't miss,
you can get away
try dying if she gets you
and says she loves you
then she's lying
and if she gets you pregnant
so sorry to say
your kids will turn out just like me
HAVE A NICE DAY !!!!!

mirrored emotion

I saw my tears
running down
your face
And I could not
decide
If they looked
better
on you

groove-master..

Ladies ever feel like you lost your groove ? Wanna know how I got mine back ? Why sure Kris !
Okay yesterday found me walking thru the moscow palouse mall with no make up on and my hair pulled back in a ponytail. When all of a sudden I pass a gorgeous hunk of a man and I smile polite...trying not to drool. And then you guessed it. I cannot stop myself from turning to look after 5 or 6 more steps, to check out his ass. To see if the view is as hot as the front ! As I focus in-I realize he is stopped and is checking me out also. I give him my tantilizingly seductive smile & turn back around the way I was headed. In my want some fries with that shake walk "mode". Weather is suddenly delightful-why? Because without even saying a word he has given me back my groove.

chocolate chip cookies

Love is the flavor of life
happiness the aroma

death by suffocation

Lock up my heart
in the vault of complication
Keep it safe
from me
With a deadly combination

shadows

I felt love
stalking me today
Hiding in the warmth
of the sunshine
Gently kissing
the shadow
obscuring my face

Mom....coke or pepsi ?

these shoes were made for..

fuckin that's just what i say.. one of these days these shoes are gonna walk all over you. Every time I see these shoes I just start drooling why? They are so hot and sexy ! It is like whoever is the lucky princess to be .. the glass slipper will slip into place..then- BOOM there it is. The world becomes enchanted with the fairy tale music song and you spin around and around with that stupid grin on your face. Dancing with your invisible prince with your empty arms up in the air, la la laa laaaaaaaa . It is making me dizzy. It would just be perfect if you could pick your own song. Cause with the right song in place, hell yeah I would try. Pussycat Dolls....don't cha . I would pick the devil himself to be my DJ. Only because I like those dirty rap songs, with that beating heart of sensuality that makes you want to strip.I am pretty sure my fairy godmother got ate by a bird or something. I saw it happen and there was not a thing I could do about it. It was her own fault cause with a twist of her wand she could have transformed that bird into a hot air balloon or something right ? I say let it go miwokdreamer -a sugar daddy would be much easier to find lol ! Oh well back to the shoes... they are too small and I am not even gonna try. I keep picturing Cinderella's sister with that extra long extended version of a foot and I just could not put that picture in any fairy tale involving myself. My I am so easily distracted by ...let's call it an active imagination. Wow the past couple days I needed more than any fix or medication. I am glowing and smiling. All is well at this time..warm and sunny-just beautiful. And even though it is a black cloudy storm of a day. I am covered in the arms of my favorite quilt with no worries to make me cold

wrong side of the track

I smiled across
the distance
From the other
side of the world
you must have crossed
the Red Sea
When Moses wasn't looking
To smile back
at me

hello anyone there ?

children at this time
shallow be thy grave
live much longer
it is upto you
fate
dishonour
left to ponder
where it is
you fit in
if i had a voice
that could be heard
what would i say
to grab you
by the shoulders
and let you know
what is
most important
to get to where
you need to be
respect your elders
maybe
not the top of the list
maybe
it is to let your elders be
maybe
it is too complicated
for me to explain
to nag away
at what you'll
never understand
wasted
is a word
a part of youth
i see it everywhere
i see it inside of you
wrapped up tight
in your coat
of many colours
you made for you
wasted
are my views
i pull down the shade
and you are gone
forgotten we
each become
cause..without
a trigger
hell ..without
a free ride
on the merry
go round
i am nothing
to you but
a pair of eyes
my words
have no
hang time
without the
feel good
reality
for some is
the acid trip
without the
suitcases
full of stress
no one home
not right now
why stop by
hello
anyone there?
this is your neighbor
hello
anyone there?
this is your mother
hello?
this is your father
hello?
this is your child
hello?
it doesn't matter
HELLO?
try back later
hello
anyone there?
this is your dealer
COOL I KNEW YOU WERE HERE

never kill the messenger

The images are starting to haunt me. I cannot focus on a thing. I cannot turn away from the pictures on the TV. About the oil spill that got away. My tears are too horrified to fall, my anger is simmering on the back burner inside my head. Growing stronger than I like to taste and of course it is justified. Which makes it right. CNN just flashed 200 birds brought in..dead on arrival. It makes it hard to breath. Oh Lord I have to wonder..can't you in your infinite power help us out this time ? I have to wonder what it would be like if my daughter did not have the awesome power of what it is like, to believe. That a simple bird could rise up off the land.. with a flap of wings, and soar up up up thru the sky. No powered engine on it's back to pollute our toxic air. They are freedom in it's rawest form. I cannot imagine how empty the skies will be. They are majestic creatures and carry imagination on the small of their back. And of course we all want to fly away at times, just fly off..without a sound. My granny use to say to this little girl-the birds are messengers. You never kill the messenger, you murderers-THIS WILL LEAD TO WAR.

bi-Polar

I filled my coffee cup with the required amount of sugar and milk before I poured the dark fragrant river into my ceramic pond (cup). The birds are outside my window chirping that song I love to hear...the come out to play tune. I open the blinds to see what is going on outside in the back yard. And my breath gets sucked away, I run out to the slider & silently slip into the lawn chair that will hold me and my attention. Yellow butterflies are manuevering in intricate formations, above my line of sight. Trapped between the blue sky sea and the green grass terrain. I have no control over what moves me and I sit back for the show. The birds start up with the music, and the butterflies start to play. I am expecting the hummingbird family to be the grand finale in this local song and dance. And I for one am all about that. I will wait- like I do while at fairchild airforce base til the jets break the speed of sound. I am not going nowhere soon,with my feet sunk in the ground.

What the hell was I thinking...1/22/2008

Wow reading back in time, I once in awhile feel my jaw drop and my face flush.. This little nugget of insanity will only last a day or two then bye bye..baby ! the title is ..Blood clots of life,
If you are not female-LOOK AWAY, LOOK AWAY..this is not for you. If you continue to read on you will never again wish to stick your pretty boy face, between her legs again...and how could I live with myself for ruining it for any female. Especially when I get soo little of it myself these days?
Dammit, hell & fuck. I changed my noble mind and I am not going to post how big the blood clot was. The one that fell on my foot this morning-as I was taking a shower. It was a suicide clot that was attempting to wash the naughty nightmares from my mind.It was so big it clogged up the shower drain. hell it was so monstrous it almost clotted up the world. Here is my mounting dread. The fear that keeps building up inside of me..that one question I have to ask it!
I become mesmerized watching it slide off my big toe and start spinning crazy on top of the water, headed to oblivion.I swear It waved at me. The miss america wave that only a female can master. Before she waved at me..and I wondered what part of her was me...set free ?
I closed my mouth and I begin to wonder if that wet dream I use to have-was really mine or if she was stealing it away from me ? Cause we could not have that for the simple fact I was very attatched to that memory. It was my golden globe adult winner choice-a hot juicy sex creamsicle porno kinda flick. That I directed in my mind.
I looked even closer to see if it was hers (let's call her red ) if she starred in the show. But it is gone..notta. My mind is lost..stuck down the drain, almost to the gutter. HELP ME OBEE ONE KENOBEE YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE. Oh yeah and could you wear that hoodie, you know the one that covers up your face ?

the light hurts my eyes (2 years old)

Alone and being alone, are they the same ? Is one safer than the other ? Is one more socially acceptable ? I think my inner soul has not come to the realization that you are gone, no more..notta. But I can still feel something and that is what comforts me..the fact that I can still feel your aura of love surrounding my body like a ghost. Am I the ghost that nobody sees or the shell that hides the answer...
I miss you I miss you ! I miss us.. ..I miss you laying in bed beside me and the sun shining in our window each morning. That is what I miss. The morning bliss. When the day had not started yet, had not yet taken it's toll on our suffering. When it was you and me against the world. When it was you and me against the snooze. The loud buzzing whine that would send us into a frenzy of insanity. Trying to find the that idiot button, just so we could hold onto the warmth we shared together in that bed, that held our life. That fucking bed that held me as I wept for you to come home to me. And be a part of us. Why couldn't you just come home and be more than memory ? The dreams my pillow kept tucked away will never ever be. Now I pull the shades down, blocking out the light and cursing the sun.

Fragrant scent of dread..

Actually made it to church today, it has been weeks. I always miss the simplicity of the little people, their freedom is good for my head. There are always four or five of them that will feed on my eyes, reeling me in with their innocent sighs. I think my most favorite thing is not when they get bored or fall sound asleep. It is how magnificent a temper tantrum is to watch in it's infantile form. When it is just plain and simple..raw emotion. I guess I could be the only one left on this earth who is drawn to volcanic disruptions of our youth. It brings tears to my eyes cause we are all so complicated, each one of us wrapped in our Sunday best. Which is more true..Life wears death like a coat or death wears life like a coat.

water resistant

I was meaning to remember the sailor who stole my mother's heart. But Memorial day found us at the Cda Casino...again. Today We were re-arranging the "livestock" around. Trying to get a better fit for the boxes that line the shelves of our garage. The boxes that are lined up like presents that time forgot. Before I knew it I had ripped one carefully open, cause I knew it was all about you. Remembrance flooded through me like a shot of whiskey..instantly hot & intense. Like a bolt of lightning. I love this picture of you lost in time. It is perfect my father full of grace. This is when you were just starting your voyage out to sea. Holding hands with the Navy...being all you could be. Howard Franklin ______ I salute you for the price you paid. But more than that- I love you ...Thanks to the greatest dad.

the taste of morning

mmhhhhhh kris clearing her throat and in her best AL Pacino voice..."say hello to my little friends". Today was good. It was like the perfect day was waiting for me when I got out of bed. It was waiting for me even though I slept in and woke up grouchy. It grabbed ahold my hand and led me to the table ...while the quiet pulled up a chair. Me and the quiet sat there in silence..while the coffee burped and farted .It brewed into existence...the taste of the day. I looked up from the distance, warm and all aglow. Not from the coffee I had not started. It was the kiss of sunlight on my face

Like A Rock

This print I bought for myself cause it was beyond my control not to. I was at the Valley mall in Spokane and I just happened to cast my eyes into this art gallery as I was walking by. I screeched to a halt and it was kinda spooky how fast I reeled myself in to stand in front of this beauty. I got lost in the eyes of the native woman, and I wanted to be her so bad. The sales associate of course filled me in on my newest investment. It is a Henri Peters Print 173/500, entitled "LIKE A ROCK". I called it...gotta have it and handed her my credit card. Have you ever felt like screaming and doing the victory dance cause of the awesome power contained with a credit card? The I'll Take It ...no matter the cost clause ? Anyway I sold it to my mother a few years back and we have negoiated a Kris is getting it back deal. It is like I am falling in love with her all over again. Henri Peters is colour blind and his work just moves me into another place I did not know existed inside myself..that quiet cave i forgot about.

Which...?

Outside alot today with my hands buried in the earth, I could just lose myself in the primal scent. There have been a couple times that someone has actually pointed a finger at me and whispered...Which !?Which? Which what ? At first I am always dumbfounded of course, at least on the outside. The face everyone can see. The need to remain calm far outweighs the want to start cackling all crazy while i rub the wart on my chin. People fear and respect what they don't understand. I know that there have been times I have feared for my loved ones when we are locked in battle. Because I know there is something that watches over me.
One thing for certain I do know, is that i don't give a shit if people don't understand me. Hell I barely know myself. Who cares ? Especially since where I'm from- the ghetto..not the best quality of people and who cares what the tweekers think. all that really matters is what you think about yourself right?
I will never take the time to explain myself or my beliefs to anyone who is not smart enough intellectually to understand it. It saves us both alot of time and for myself a little piece of mind. Maybe it is the cards I have always read- THOTH Deck baby that gives the wrong impression..so be it then all i know for certain is that  when i wake up in the morning i am okay with myself.
So I guess I am not a relegious fanatic. But spiritual I am, deeply spiritual. What does that mean Kris ? Spiritual..? Does it mean I don't believe in GOD? Far from it ! This is what I say , looking toward the holy land..God has more than one name. I truly believe that ! Wouldn't it just be so much easier to take the name GOD, Allah, Jehovah, etc out of every language and just let it be that feeling that burns in your chest. That burning ache that actually means your "safe". Because of the righteous spark of insanity we know is good. A get out of jail card for immortality.
I have a passion for non fiction and try to keep my mind fed with fiber. It helps you shit better and keeps one regular. Who or what I believe in is ever-changing.
I find truth in the bible and a couple chapters of this belief. A sentence from this book. Eight pages of this doctrine. And ancient knowledge of any faith i devour. if anything my belief system is always changing.from one day to the next. i do know there are things you can not quite grasp from books or videogames. I figured out something after 43 years and that is I don't know shit. And I am okay with that.

My eBay

My eBay

i want i want you

My nickname should be the lister..cause that is all I do most of the day. I am stuck on the computer composing the perfect presentation to present to the buyer. AAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Things come and they go. Well mainly they go. I try not to get attatched to anything my mom wants to sell. Which is not that hard if it involves clothes. But once in awhile I start to tear up and I want something so bad that I can't ask her.. to her face. Why because I would not be able to deal if she said no. I sometimes get this selfish taste at the back of my throat and I say (under my breath of course, cause my mom has bionic hearing) She don't pay me or she owes me something. And when that happens I run to the kitchen and I pour my self a glass of milk. Cause it coats everything it touches and goes down the drain..Besides milk is good for you and it drowns my evil thoughts. She lets me live here without a thought cause she is my mother and she has no other choice, lol ! This is one ..I miss already ! It feeds me calm as I enter the room. It has a leash on me. And I can't break free..hell I don't want to break free. Oh my 5 inches of power ..is that all it takes to control me ? I just gave my mom my last twenty dollar bill cause we need lettuce and tomatoes, even hair conditioner. She never asks for money. Without a thought I hand it over cause i don't ever want her to worry. And even though later I will burn when I think she had me start the bid at $25 which includes free shipping. I don't want him to go !!!!I need a sugar daddy or better yet a job. Yeah a sugar daddy will do...

rainbow

The earth was honored
by the sky today
Washed clean by the
teardrops
Humanity forgot
to cry
I looked up at
the pastel slate
Lit with
flourescent colours
Burning
with hate

Shallow pond of the CDA Casino

Man, why do I let myself get led anyplace I don't need to be !! And what really sucks is the fact that I was not pushed or pulled that way. No I wasn't yanked by the arm or pulled by my hair (although I like my hair pulled ). I was not fooled . It was the words. These words to be exact "...come hang out and lose all your money with us" .Yes folks that is all it took. My hook, line and sinker ! Found in the same small pond that everyone is fishing from.