christmas was a flash of panic from the back seat of my daughter's car every now and then i would look up from the book i was reading and get soo friggin irritated (so of course i started christmas day)we passed two cars that slid off the road around potlatch think that slowed antone down ? no it gave him road rage worse as we had to slow down for the cops . sorry it takes two hours to drive to moscow to get me/ i really was going stir crazy here. but once i had my girls and grandson around me i started to miss the calm that is locked behind the door of my apt. went to a cathdral on grand first time i ever took communion. i have never beeen to a catholic service=interesting with the incense twirler swing that around as they walked toward the alter. i don't know anybody in this rinky dink town and the students are gone anyway. if there was just one single person here who made the effort to hang out or be a friend i know i would appreciate it but nip it in the bud. why am disappointed that the world did not end on december 21,2012. why is i know and understand i am soo done with anything or anyone in this godforsaken place. done done done. well i probably have one good fuck left in me at the rate things are going

PSY - GANGNAM STYLE (강남스타일) M/V

what say you . .

what is wrong
 now is right
what to eat
what to what ?
  ssssshhhhhh

sparrow . .

 my secret desire is riding shotgun on the back of a tiny sparrow pummeling in the blackness of a great storm of unrest. my sorrow has consumed an entire ocean of salt water just so my tears will form. can i wish you into existence with a dying belief that you are out there my love. will i recognize you ? how many times will i ache to know your eyes are watching me or your lips smiling back at my smiles. how many times will i feel your presence just around the corner ? i think you are the dread that stalks me while i sleep. i wake and feel soo alone-so bitterly alone

divine key. .

is there a shadow with the voice of an echo that skips on the water like jesus ? take my hand and twist it behind my back to release any resolve left inside my person. free it and trap it lock it up and throw away the key. then play me a song i can sing in the dark about what the world has done to me. .

dancer . .

i want so bad to dance. . to spin around like a sexy diva. snapping my fingers to the beat that just won't stop on it's own. to balance on the end of a 6 inch spike heel like a ballerina with a case of raunch

whispering wind. .

i felt the wind whisper thru my hair dancing inside my dreams with a renewed interest that i never heard before. i will marry again-eventually, possibly this time for love. if love finds me it better stab me straight in the heart with a single blow. cause i ain't trusting the messenger who wants in my bed. the one who will spoon feed me melancholy to fuk up my brain. yeah true love whatever ? love is a lie that infects you like a virus til it eats you up and shits you out without wiping it's ass

Why fight life when it is death- that waits outside the door of this world, sitting in a plastic chair that knows everything

shawn apperson

Harborview Medical Center
ICU Burn Unit
Shawn Apperson
325 9th Ave

Seattle, WA 98104

a mother's plea

baby girl, baby girl i can feel your heart crying every time it is quiet. i can hear soul scream as your world crashes apart on the rocks of life. i can see your face everytime i close my eyes and it is killing me. i want to wrap my arms around you my precious daughter and tell you everything is going to be okay- but i cannot. i don't know. i cannot think right now as i ponder why this is unfolding the way it is. hold onto to what you believe with one hand and KNOW he loves his son. he is soo critically injured with the burns over 80% of his body that there is a chance he is not going to make it. i didn't want to say that. i really didn't mean to say those words katie. i have not given up on him. he saved everyone from the fire except himself. life is something we have no control over. i am sorry. i am sorry. i am sorry. i am proud of you angela kathleen for making sure your son is where he needs to be at this time-by his father's side. come home safe over the mountain pass before the snow blocks your path. come back to me baby, run back into my arms. don't turn away from those of us that love you baby girl. i need you more than you need me. come back to me

shawn apperson LUV U BOY

my daughter will never be the same. life has forced her into a new reality. the father of her first and only child is lying in the burn unit in seattle. with burns over 80% of his body. he is not going to make it. there was a fire  obviously and him and his new girlfriend saved all the kids. she still needs stitches and shawn burned up. i love him like a son. he was with my daughter for 5 years. her and my grandson are headed to seattle right now so he can say goodbye to his father. what a big boy he is going to have to be i just want to turn off all the lights and lay in my bed and cry my eyes out. jump up every 20 minutes and state to the darkness not fair not fair !!i am waiting for the call that he is passed and it sucks a big fat one. my daughter has never lost anyone this close, she is beyond hysterical. her dad has been in prison for the last 6 years and even though he is gone she knows where he is. i pray i pray i blame life for this. .

blood never lies . .

the only observation i have made these past couple of days is. . looks like there was a murder in my panties

blood never lies. .

truth hides
  behind a pair of ray ban
and a deafening smile.
wearing a straw hat
 sipping on a blood cocktail
without a straw & extra ice
 gnashing teeth against the rocks
echo into a reluctant ghost
 who grabs my arm
  and stops me dead
 like a game show host
the world forgot
 grab the remote
before it's too late
turn it off
 and go away

curse. .

i always start my period the day after some life altering implosion has occurred. geez i feel like it gathers this power that hides in my blood. to welcome my new unemployed status i went nu art last night to their free friday movie-7 days in utopia. which was not as bad as i thought it was gonna be. the time i went to their free movie friday was with cassidy and we did not check the schedule before we walked out the door. we sat on the top balconey by our selves and she danced gangham style horse trot dance and i pretended the floor was quicksand what ? nobody saw and i was very careful where i walked sorta lol. the movie was black and white HIGH NOON with grace kelly. we had soo much fun walking home because of the drunk college students. they are harmless and hoot a lot besides most of them are young hot sexy things you just can't take your eyes off anyway. like i said no harm. we walked by the bank lobby and there was the cutest blond in a plaid mini mini skirt sliding down the handrail of the escalator-damn she looked soo good. i was stuck speechless and incapable of movement as i watched her descent. my daughter looked at me at said mama ?
God i hope she goes to college.

is there mayo on that ?

since i have started work at arby's i have come home everyday frustrated and oh soo pissy. one day they train me in a certain section the next day they are too busy to stick to that training scedule so i have big holes in where i can work comfortably. i have missed the training on backline totally and that seems to be where it all needed to start. i know breads and slice meat but backline is what goes on the sandwiches. on drive thru if i am asked what goes on that . . ? i am at a loss. anyway to make a long story short my boss took me aside after my shift today and told me um i am gonna have to let you go i just assumed you would be able to grasp everything ! i did not cry and i did not get mad. in a way i am flooded with relief until i see my ma waiting for me outside. she took it pretty well. i did start to cry a little when i told her but hey she told me i know you didn't like working for arby's and maybe things happen for a reason. WHAT ?!

knife, fork or spoon ?

the days i work i am off by 2pm and am back in bed by 3:15 for the night. that is all i do now lay in bed and cry myself to sleep. nothing is happening and the world is the same. why try to change it or who i am ? it is soo much easier just to hide in the dark and let the melancholy spoon me

forever gone . .

I have become consumed by a hunger and instead of turning up at a food bank to get my fill of what they are offering. I need to be self sufficient and able to take care of myself. i hate relying on strangers. i don't trust anybody. I put on my detective and stepped out the door to see if i could solve something on my own.

 Jesus has left the building a long long time ago. nobody has seen hide or hair of him anywhere !
he is not answering my phone calls-goes straight to voice mail. SHIT
i have become hunter . .stalker of these woods
earth is our mother
 he is her sun
maybe she is protecting him
from the blood that he lost
sheltering his existence
divine is his "cost"
so i keep on searching anywhere he's been
but i get this feeling no one seems to care
so they send me anywhere
cause they don't have the time
just some stories in a book
by matthew, mark, luke and john
I search for you in the shadows
believing somehow you are there
watching me suffer to see how long i'll last ?
thing is the more i seek
 the more i know the world ain't right
i quit asking questions
 to the pharisees
\that are everywhere
pointing which way to go
the light of the living burns my flesh
like an atomic flame
 corrupting my "core" with radioactive misery.
life is now the sickness
death is the cure
call me dr kervorkian
tell him where i'm at
i am the whore of peace
over
over
  out

mermaid . .

winter just seems to suffocate me with it's isolation. it's like the snow holds the ice cold silence in place. i close my eyes and dream of warm days held captive in the cool water of spring valley reservoir. i am with my daughter erica and a few of her friends. our laughter echoes like a bouncy ball dancing across the lake. it started out just a group of chatty gals with our toes in the sparkling water, but something about the solitude of our destination and the fact that the world revolves around us has led to the demise of a few of our outer garments. in the backwoods of idaho it is somehow okay to sit in a padded bra that looks like a bikini top if you do it in a group lol. it was not my intention to go swimming that day, but due to the fact i had boxer shorts on under my jeans i um somehow ended up completely immersed  in the weightlessness of that day. i let myself be pulled out to the middle of the lake where the quiet is and i looked up into the bluest sky. i could not remember if i was looking up or looking down at the cool blue water from above. i tried to focus and instantly my eyes were trapped on two ospreys gliding above me. i sighed with pleasure and water burned up my nose. i felt myself go under and when i came up the girls were headed my way ! i hollered at them Look at the osprey-they are MINE before going under. all of us got lost in the moment hooting and laughing and practically drowning each time one of us would show off. nothing mattered but my dominance and you know what ? we had turned into mermaids and did not even realize it ! until a boat full of fishermen pulled up along side us and i was soo shocked cause we had not noticed them at all . i immediately cleared my throat and said . .  wow bet we scared off all the fish huh ? i promised them we would keep the racket down and the cutest one said to me . .  fuk the fish lady i wanna know how to catch you !

Brother David.

while i was in the victory outreach discipleship home there was no contact with anyone from the outside world, except maybe a few sisters from our church. but there was absolutely no contact of any kind with any members of the male sex. that meant greetings or eye contact or discipline ensued. it was complete immersion or saturation in the "word" with no distractions. it was completely all consuming at times and not in a good way. so it was only natural that me and my sisters would each pick a guy that was our pretend boyfriend. they picked mine for me but in my mind i was way ahead of them. brother david was a little bit older than me without being ancient, and of course he was single with a daughter. for some reason i am unable to explain i managed to fall head over heels in love with this man. he was the second thing i would think about every morning. i started to let the girls do my hair and tackle my make-up just so i could catch his eye. yep to catch his eye when our director or the elders of the church weren't looking was virtually impossible. we were seperated from society and had to walk in a single file line and stay together at all times. there was no casual this or random trips to the bathroom. one night we were at church and it looked like he was sitting with a female i had never seen before. i felt my eyes water and big old crocodile tears start to fall down my cheeks. i was heartbroken and quit making eye contact with him. i told myself that my sisters were just trying to keep me on my toes and happy. it wasn't 3 weeks later that we were staffing a kids fest event that i was doing the darts for a balloon game when i looked up and he was just standing there smiling at me ! he asked me if i wanted him to buy the women in the women's home tacos or snowcones ? i told him we were on discipline and were not allowed sugar or sweets in my most christian sultry voice. my life became somehow changed that second of that day with all those little kids throwing darts. i remember feeling the joy so strongly as i looked back at his face. it was like i found my saviour again. my days meant something and were full of sunshine just because of him. that was the only conversation we ever had but we use to stare at each other. i know that sounds pitiful at my age but it was all i had. at the end of sunday service pastor asked brother david up front so everyone could pray for him. i assumed for health reasons. it took me a couple weeks just to find out what was wrong with him without directly asking . . .why did pastor have the mexican guy come up front so everyone could pray ? i had my answer -he needed a liver transplant ! i began to pray for him morning noon and night with my arms lifted up in the air so focused on his well being. it gave me something to do besides cry. i left the program suddenly not long after. without ever seeing him again. but i see him in my dreams. i walk to places here in moscow idaho in the hopes i will just pass him in the crowd.  i don't even know his last name but i know how his eyes crinkle when he smiles.

service dog. .

i once believed if you were a "good" person that no matter how bad things might get or tough in life-that God would make sure things worked out. that you would barely scrape by. now i fear nothing because i have nothing. nothing matters but the darkness. the black of night spoons me like a lover and i like it. it doesn't try to change me or trick me with fake words. i like being cold. i hate my job. i hate my life. i hate the sunlight. i hate the busy faces that walk by me with their heads turned at some odd angle as they talk on their cell phone. i hate conversation. it is all a lie. i don't need you to need me. i don't need me to want you to. go back inside and shut the door. my life is not for living anymore. my dreams rise up and grab ahold my wrist and pull me in my room. i follow with an open heart that screams hurry hurry hurry or you will be left behind. i don't know what is going on with me. i am not depressed in that since. i am just done. there is a creature that waits for me to close my eyes. he is like a seeing eye-dog that pulls me around in the netherworld. i have heard him growl in the darkness many times. but he has never left my side. he whimpers when i start to succumb to my sorrow which has turned into a cancer that i cannot control. he licks the tears off my face before they fall. together we search for something or someone before my alarm clock starts to buzz at 7:48am. Sometimes at work when i take a deep breath i feel like i am being sucked into a spinning abyss inside myself. i became aware of my spirit lying under a tree with my friend sitting by my head while i slept. too bad we can't speak the same language. why am i crying, if you don't care ? nothing is changing but my sorrow has been growing into a fragrant seed of a woman's wrath.

zzzzzzzzzzzz

cassidy is back in spokane and i am without my little snugglebug sigh. . just got home not too long ago and decided you know what if you don't like the job you are at kris don't bitch about just start putting in other applications. i know dark haired blond lol. so i went to yahoo and set up a monster account and did all that time consuming crap. an hour later my resume has 3 sections done and i am more frustrated than i was before i started. maybe i should give it up and grab ahold a good man and love him and kiss him and torment him ahhhhhhhh. bedtime kris right now !!!

app. .

i am not feeling soo good. i can only shake my head in wonder at how the job i have now is the reason i am soo miserable. i am a navy brat and have alot of first days tucked in my back pocket. it just amazes me how chics are towards me even though they know nothing about me. i clock in and before i clock out i am almost in tears everyday. i just want to do my job and go home like everyone else. i know this frustration is starting a chain reaction inside of me. i feel power in my hands waiting for a spark of anger to ignite into rage as i walk home and remember how they go out of there way to make me feel out of place. man there is always something wrong with me. i have to fix this. it is soo not healthy for me. i know not to give up. turn in applications and keep trying to better the enviroment i am in.

things that are wrong with me #321

my mother keeps on and on always on me about everything geez now it is about my hair !! every time my hair is not in a ponytail she starts to shudder and tells me that i need to get my hair chopped off that it just makes me look homeless and white trashy. then she tells me i am not trying to hurt your feelings or anything ! and in my head i think yeah right i am way passed hurt feelings i am at pissed.

fingernail polish. .

Maybe the whole trick to life is knowing what you aren't....

press in . .

i  hear a voice whisper. .  press in kris. flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; and the perishable cannot inherit what lasts for ever. if the sting of death is sin then i know it is only a matter of time before death comes for what i took.

exhaling. .

today is not a good day. i cannot quit crying. i feel bitter and irritated beyond reason. ever since i left the chapel and walked in the door here it feels like something is up. i want to lay down but my mom says i need to do four more listings on ebay i am going to snap. why ? i try to rationalize where i am now but i get lost in the debris. gimme a spoon and a hit of dope and i will be okay for a few hours is not my motto anymore.i cry soo many tears it is a wonder i am not dehydrated. i find any excuse to escape to my room just so i can shut the door and turn off the light and lay there with nothing but this empty feeling to keep me comfortable. that blah frustrated disappointment that just thrives in my hard drive. i did this to myself. i wanted it this way. i cannot remember a time when the world was home. i want to go home. why do you have to die first to get there?

chocolate fondue . .

time is against me or so it seems.
 bittersweet dark chocolate
 that melts in your hand and not in your mouth.
 dark like blood only thicker

i have become soo melancholy that it is starting to freak me out. i am in a weird place with my emotional baggage stuffed in a suitcase that is old and worn. i don't know what is zipped up only that it wouldn't close. i had to sit on the damn thing to get it shut. i have got to stop this musing. i don't want him anymore. why can't i stop tormenting myself with this longing for him. i don't understand why i can't seem to move on. i am crying and fine all in the same breath. i am winning and losing myself before the race even starts or finishes. i don't know if i am too warm or too cold. i must stop putting him on and taking him off like a sweater. i am always uncomfortable. i hate it. all i know is there is a change in the weather and the seasons are changing in my life. i must accept that. i already have cabin fever and feel delusional when it comes to where i have been or where i am going. maybe it is time for me to start dating ? it has been 2 years now single.  Or maybe i just need a new pair of boots ?

thunder

i feel power in my hands waiting for a spark of anger to ignite into rage.

The Three Nephites Story by Kevin Kraut - LDS / Mormon Truth

3 Nephi 28

A little light on love . .

Corin 13: 4-7
  love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and is not resentful. love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.

Corin 6: 18-20

 keep away from fornication. all the other sins are committed outside the body; but to fornicate is to sin against your own body. your body, you know, is the temple of the holy spirit, who is in you since you received him from God. you are not your own property; you have been bought and paid for. that is why you should use your body for the glory of God.

gimme back my bullets . .

Once upon a time in a far off cave. In a cavern found in my mind there is a fire burning. It is surrounded by rocks which we will call time. The fire does not warm anything. It only suggests that something is missing. Do I need to look closely at what is illuminated by the light of the fire or at the fire itself ? Or is it a marker that is leading me to a cold dark forgotten place inside of me ? So many times I let the chaos of the world chase me back into the dark tunnels of addiction. I love the solace of solitary confinement.Sometimes it is the melancholy of life that plays my favorite song. Now that journey has ended and i stand in the dark. I can hear water dripping and the fire makes no sound. Lord what i am wondering is this from you ? I ache to hold my hands over the fire and feel the warmth chase off the cold. But the battle scarred and weary soldier inside of me ...warns-it's a trap

Bring It On (1/10) Movie CLIP - We Are Cheerleaders! (2000) HD

my friend use to do the best impression of this cheer whenever i was in a black mood

lingering doubt. .

i am walking on the edge of two different realities one is alive and vibrant with color and the other is dead and brittle. my one foot cannot help but make noise as the weight of my step crushes it into dust. It is like the noise a person makes walking thru dead leaves. there is no wind or blue sky. all is gray and still. there is no noise except for the sound i make as i move thru the void. how can it be ? two different dimensions under one step. i am not afraid because i am searching for something that must be coaxed into returning to where it came from. i must not force it to surrender or trick it into believing how much it's decision will matter. My mind is working faster than my eyes can focus on anything that is out of the ordinary. An echo reverberates across the open sky of both worlds like a boomerang. It is a doorway home. i cannot let it land anywhere but in my hand. Nothing must be disturbed. Only the dead watch with weary eyes. I cannot comfort them or stop to ask them if I am dead too.

wings. .

there are moments in my life that are surrounded by a stretch of complete silence as i look on. like an angel blowing on a holy trumpet that only i can hear. an angel blowing silence ? i know it sounds strange but it is not. i am use to chaos and the polluted emotions of those around me. it is the silence that i need to listen for. nothing matters but my relationship with my creator. i am at a loss to describe the details of where it is i stand in relation to him. For he has delivered me from the battlefield. And like any soldier i miss the battle. I know who i fight against now. I know who I serve. All other details are lost in the translation.

Sunrise Dance(Day 2) Video 2

MY PEOPLE WERE ACORN GATHERERS. IF I COULD HIDE BEHIND AN APACHE WARRIOR WOULD MY ENEMY FEAR THE MIWOK ?

in jesus name. .

i thank you for this day that was not promised us and i humbly bow my head before you and sing GLORY GLORY GLORY to you MY KING. I ask that you lift up my  brothers and sisters who are still on the battlefield MY GOD. I ask that you deliver them from the chains of alcoholism and addiction, just as you have delivered me. I ask that you allow them a moment of silence during whatever battle they are going through, so that they may hear your voice calling out to them. I humbly ask that you lift up those who are unaware of the magnificence of your grace MY GOD. I also ask that you annoint my eyes so that i may stay focused only on you. That i may not look to the left or look to the right but only see the things you want me to. I thank you for the holy spirit that burns red hot inside of me. I thank you for every tear i have ever cried. i thank you for every wrong choice i have ever made. i thank you for every time i have fallen on my face. I thank you for allowing these things to happen knowing what it would take for me to cry out to you ABBA.

weightless. .

how can you hold me. . suspended in your grasp ? weightless from the worries that have wrapped around my leg like an anchor.

matthew 12: 43-45

i remember pastor telling us we needed to be especially careful every three months into our salvation. that at the 3 month mark the 6 month mark and so on there would be a rough patch for us new to the faith of God. new to the church. i feel like i am lost in a foreign country. nothing looks familiar especially all the kind faces that greet me at sunday service or try to start a conversation with me. i don't speak their language. i am use to bloodsuckers. pastor said things that make me fear the dark. that when the demon of addiction is cast out of our body if will go and try to find another body to possess and it will search and search. he also stated that the exorcised unclean spirit will get in all kinds of trouble from satan for losing it's home (which was me) and that if i don't stand tall that it will return with 7 more spirits more unclean  than itself and they will all find a place inside me. i have all this empty space inside me. i have heard my spirit drunk in happiness yell ECHO where the darkness use to reside inside me.


MATTHEW 12
verse 43- when the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none.
verse 44-then he saith, i will return into my house from whence i came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept and garnished.
verse 45-then he goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there and the last state of that man is worse than the first. even so it shall it be also unto this wicked generation

alive with light. .

 

i sit in a wooden pew

 staring up at him

in an empty chutrch.

With only the stain glass saints

 in attendance

depending on the light of day.

How come they live in the light ?

when there is only darkness in the world ?

storm clouds. .

 

i cannot remember a time when the world was home. it is all foreign and domestic policy. where have i been ? in the arms of addiction. at church we were asked what do you know about faith. some of the sisters gave the usual textbook answer and i was soo wanting to jump up on the table and explain how faith smells soo much better than hope. it seems they have always had the lord in their lives. meek and mild so unlike me. i am bold. when it was my turn to speak i said that i was always drawn to the faith of my nanny. i could sense it more than i could see it. she was always standing in the eye of life's storm. i was the storm and she was the calm i longed for. the peace i wanted but could not grab ahold of.

citizenship. .

so i made it to the chapel to pray and then i wandered round town picking up job applications here and there.  i feel good even though i have  been stalling on ebay. i feel a presence that i am pulling around like a shadow. not a dark shadow. it is light and almost vibrates at a higher frequency than my dense heavy earthbound body. i am holding it in this dimension. it has attatched itself to me.i am having that dream again . the one that plays that song. . the wheels on the bus go round and round

i am standing in the darkness. there is evil all around me. legions
my head is bowed and there is a stillness, like a silence before some tragic event
i am not scared or angry
my sword is broken
i cry out. .
a brilliant light is suddenly alive in the darkness
i believe it is the face of Truth
i hear laughter in the darkness
that is vibrating through the floorboard
i cannot see the thousands of voices
that are in the darkness
because of the light
which is blinding me
i fall to my knees terrified
 and alone
i close my eyes
and the face of truth (god)
melts into a puddle at my feet
i hear feet running up the steps
 to my room
a single hands flips on the light
and i am electrocuted
by a thousands bolts of electricity


NOTE- being saved is like suddenly having citizenship in a foreign country. it all looks unfamiliar  i keep searching for landmarks that i know like the cross. the cross is all i need to find my way back.

machines are always hungry. .

it is always hard for me not to get disgruntled with winter moving in. autumn is in full force. the leaves are slowly slipping off the trees to the ground. i hate being cold. my mom says the brisk air makes her feel alive and i say shut the door after you. i didn't make it to the chapel to pray. i wanted to but we had to get cassidy to cda to meet her dad. so of course we stopped at the casino i feel guilty for putting money in the machines. i understand that there are negative spirits that grab ahold of many a face at that place. i don't like to watch the people. i am afraid that a familiar spirit will attempt my demise. i found myself making a compromise with my maker. i put five dollars in a penny machine and in 3 pulls i was down to a dollar. less than a minute. i was soo mad at myself. i said just let me get my money back and i will stop. i bet one whole dollar and hit bonus of $30. i cashed out and then when i was walking toward the lobby i had two one dollar bills in my back pocket and i actually had the balls to stop in front of another machine and stick it in. this time i told myself well it isn't from the money i won. it is only two dollars  i whispered in shame and first pull i won $27. i cashed out. i heard a voice inside my head.. you are done ! i walked out to the hotel lobby put on my nerd glasses and started to read abraham lincoln vampire hunter. trying not to cringe at my failed attempt to be strong enough to abstain from the appearance of evil. i wanted to jump up and find my mom and demand that we leave. but i felt a calm descend upon me as soon as i asked my god to forgive me and my weakness. i read two chapters and i looked up to my mom standing in front of me with a native woman i have never seen. she told me that we were going to go eat crab legs at the buffet. the lady was a host at the casino and had approached my mother on the floor and asked her if she was hungry. of course they came and got me. i love crab i had 3 heaping plates and hot butter oh baby babe. i know nothing is bout me but maybe it was god rewarding me for just sitting there and reading my book like a good monkey. i was starving. my birthday is in a few days so who knows ? the past few days i have felt cold and in the clutches of depression. it is better not to be with someone if you don't really love them. that is the moral correct thing to do. but it is going on two years now. this is my time to rest in the spirit of God. i know it. why then does the lonliness have such a deep hold on me ? i am use to dark water. i know how to keep afloat far from shore. so why do i keep praying for a shark ? the enemy is the only one that believes in me.

Johnny Cash Hurt

hey bidder bidder . .

so my daughter is sitting next to me and we are watching the katy perry a part of me. not impressed as much as she is with twirling peppermint candies on her outfit. her boobies are under the twirling mints and i said i hope her hair gets tangled in that contraption. so for that comment i got an eyeroll and she has unglued herself from my side. thank you jesus. anyway i haven't cropped all the ebay pictures yet but they all have the butt of my rifle in them. yep just a little bit country

this day. .

this day i have you
 so begins the first day of the rest of my life.

the weekend is here again so soon already when i wasn't looking it was sprung free from it's locked cage just like me. i feel a bad mood tucked in my back pocket and i don't know why ? it has the feel that is annonying me like a rock in my shoe. i want to keep reaching to loosen it but i don't want it free-not today. we are leaving to pick up my daughter halfway from both our directions is the casino. the dreaded sin city i like to steer clear of because of my mother. the first time i went to the chapel down the street to pray 5 or 6 weeks ago there was a little old lady just leaving. everyday except for sundays i make it  to st mary's. i have grown accustomed to being the only person inside the sanctuary. the beautiful stainglass windows always grab ahold of my imagination depending on the time of day. each one lights up and is soo majestic and alive that sometimes i will actually walk over to it just soo i can bask in the sunlight that is shining through that pane of glass especially if it has jesus lit up in prayer. anyway this morning their was a bicycle parked in front of mary. i went inside and there was actually another human being inside ! it often amazes me why the sanctuary is not full of people praising our lord. or maybe just one or two ? she left soon as i knelt down at the alter on my knees. i forget about time in that place. the spirit is pristine . i can actually feel motion moving by the palms of my hands as i always have my hands raised up towards jesus. i tried to keep my prayer more quiet. but every once in awhile i can't stop myself and i burn with emotion and Glory Glory Glory to you my King echoes from my throat. a Priest or a Father (am not sure with the Catholics) had wandered in and was sitting in a rocking chair in the back.

Bruce Springsteen - I'm On Fire

track number 116 on my ipod

the four beasts. .

you know i was never really a revelations kinda girl. i thought it was all gloom and doom. although in one of clint eastwood movies pale rider when the girl read from a bible . . and i looked, and behold a pale horse : and his name that sat on him was Death , and Hell followed with him. The only thing i really fear now is the enemy i read what i want when i want and i thank God for his Word. Ezekiel has always been almost disturbing to me. More than interesting how it describes something almost like time travel or a space ship. When i was in the discipleship home nobody wanted to ever discuss Ezekial or Revelations it was all David and Goliath or the gospels of the new testament. So i turned to every bible i could find to learn anything about chapter 1 verse 5 and 10 of Ezekiel. A learning bible that nobody had ever opened said the four beasts could have meant  matthew, luke, john, and mark. i remember it saying luke was likely the ox hehe. what ? although my jerusalem bible says that the figures of lion, bull, man, and eagle suggest all that is noblest, strongest, wisest, most swift, in the created world. (no mention of an ox but that of a bull).  i was disappointed that my winged beast suddenly was transformed into a once mortal existence. So I  quote out of my nanny's bible these verses from the old testament/Ezekiel and then the new testament/Revelations and then i go to bed and let my subconscious sort it out.

 old testament first

EZEKIEL 1:5,10  

 verse 5- also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. and this was their appearance; they had the likeness of a man.

 verse 10- as for the likeness of their faces, they four had the face of a man, and the face of a lion, on the right side: and they four had the face of an ox on the left side; they four also had the face of an eagle.

now i jump to the new testament;

REVELATION 4: 6-8

verse 6-and before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal: and in the midst of the throne, and round about the throne, were four beasts full of eyes before and behind. 

verse 7- and the first beast was like a lion, and the second beast like a calf, and the third beast had a face as a man, and the fourth beast was like a flying eagle

REVELATION 5: 8, 14, 

verse 8- and when he had taken the book, the four beasts and four and twenty elders fell down before the lamb, having every one of them harps, and golden vials full of odours, which are the prayers of saints.

verse 14- and the four beasts said, amen. and the four and twenty elders fell down and worshipped him that liveth for ever and ever. 

REVELATION 6: 1, 3, 5-7

verse 1- and i saw when the lamb opened one of the seals, and i heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, come and see.

verse 3- and when he had opened the second seal, i heard the second beast say, come and see. 

verse 5- and when he had opened the third seal, i heard the third best say, come and see. and i beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.

verse 6- and i heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts says, a measure of wheat for a penny and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine.

verse7- and when he had opened the fourth seal, i heard the voice of the fourth beast say, come and see.

 (okay and part of verse 8) and i looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was death, and hell followed with him...

REVELATION 7: 11 

verse 11- and all the angels stood round about the throne, and about the elders and the four beasts, and fell before the throne on their faces, and worshipped God.

REVELATION 14: 3

verse 3- and they sung as it were a new song before the throne, and before the four beasts, and the elders:  and no man could learn that song but the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. 

REVELATION 15: 7 

verse 7- and one of the four beasts gave unto the seven angels seven golden vials full of the wrath of God, who liveth for ever and ever. 

REVELATION 19: 4,

verse 4- and the four and twenty elders and the four beasts fell down and worshipped God that sat on the throne, saying amen; alleluia.

  and a quick note as to the four and twenty elders who to my own comprehension as far as the bible goes . . are the twelve apostles of the lamb and the patriarchs of the twelve tribes of the children of Israel. i pray everyday for complete understanding of the word. i know that nothing matters but my relationship with my father but i love riddles or puzzles so much so that i go over them time and time again.
   in regards to the beast i began to wonder what a beast is compared to man. i mean is it soo easy that we complicate it with simplicity. who will ever know ? i know it doesn't matter really that the only thing that matters is our relationship with the Father. so we have God, we have his angels, we have man, we have the enemy, and we have the beasts. to me a beast is an animal or a force you cannot reckon with. something to fear. the nature of the beast. the number of the beast etc. apparently beasts can be good and beasts can be bad. i think God is the one who controls them. indeed we have good and bad inside us. it is the balance that upsets the outcome.

 In ISAIAH 6: 2-3 there is mention of Seraphims;
 verse 2-above it stood the seraphims: each one had six wings; with twain he covered his face, and with twain he covered his feet, and with twain he did fly
 verse 3- and one cried unto another, and said holy, holy, holy is the Lord of Hosts: the whole earth is full of his glory.
 now back to revelation
REVELATION 4: 8
 verse 8- and the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes within: and they rest not day and night, saying, holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come.
 It is just like having a guard dog sorta kinda maybe ? he protects, and obeys at our command

better is the end of a thing . .

tonight at bible study the main theme or lesson was centered around - Better is the end of a thing than the beginning. i always take notes at bible study and i had grabbed
an old journal and i had this wrote on the back side of one of my pages of notes dated April 18, 2012

for me
the past is better left on it's own
it won't fade away gracefully into old age
it won't die
my past is stagnant
a cess pool of diseased parasites
a breeding ground of bloodsucking misquitos
that infect the flesh
with "itch" or whatever virus
the NILE has sent downstream

to feed on innocent blood

rehab is for quitters. .

 

i want sunshine and laughter and warm days at the river where everyone just gets along with each other. we didn't even know this dog he just showed up from next door. dog shows up and my daughter is instantly in happy mode. nothing i did that day  could bring her the joy that damn  dog did by chasing after sticks and bringing it back to her to throw again. who knew life could be so simple ? my life is complicated by the simplicity i seek. it is apparent  to me and now everyone in group. i did soo good. until one of the guys started talking about how far he has to go- before he can actually finish the 12 step program. every week we are on another step and i forget where he said he is stuck. but as he spoke i saw tears well up in his eyes and the next thing you know i had to open my big mouth. sighing loudly i am and shaking my head in wonder. i spoke these words. . . that now looking back on things maybe i shouldn't have spoken my testimony in church about being an addict because i feel that the  sisters are uncomfortable with me and then i corrected myself cause the truth is i am the one who is uncomfortable with them. that i had just assumed that since i was clean and sober now that god would have made sure my life was easy and comfortable with things like employment or friendships. that i felt like i was standing on a big empty platform alone away from the rest of the world in a fetal position just waiting for satan to knock me off. that the quiet was starting to distract me. that the quiet was disturbing in an eerie way. it was like in the quiet there was a silence before some major catastrophe that is about to befall me. it has been awhile since i was tempted and everytime it is quiet i feel myself dreading even walking out the door and then to top it off i started to cry ! in a room full of men. poor guys they didn't have a clue how to comfort me there was alot of throat clearing and one of them brought me tissue hehe. time to end this day and lay me down to sleep on chapter 4 of abraham lincoln vampire hunter and maybe sleep will find me like it always does when i least expect it.

apps. .

 

today was perfect i think hehe. mom and i both went upto the mall about 10am to turn in job applications. i turned in four and she turned in one at hallmark cards. looking back i think working at the casino was probably the most fun. driving the shuttle back and forth from the parking lot to the family entrance. one thing i can say from that whole experience is never never date your boss ! speaking of boys it is like i have been soo long without one that i am kinda getting use to it. there is nobody new in the picture no matter how far i expand the view. wow gonna be 46 in less than two weeks. everytime any guy smiles at me mom will catch it and wait til we are driving home and ask me ..did that guy know you ? i always say mmhh. she persists that guy that couldn't stop smiling at you or the gentleman that let us cut in line ? mom mom mom i know none of these men don't worry i am not going to leave you empty handed and alone with christmas just around the corner. besides who will wrap all the presents ? i have treatment in less than an hour. . probably not the best picture to post and mention treatment. oh no someone will figure out my past vice. tonight when i speak i know the holy ghost is going to annoint my words and open the minds of my brothers who sit before me. it is where i am from that gives me the right to explain where we are all headed. been there done that. they seem soo young and not hardcore from the world i know. i can only thank god they never got that desperate. because the things that i have seen like a father shoot up his daughter in the neck with heroine when she is 18 years old so she would not leave home have left a scar on my heart. it feels soo good to walk up the six steps and open the door to the chapel. today was windy and blustery and as i kneeled to pray the sunlight was dancing among the stain glass windows making it appear there were angels dancing around the sanctuary. when i walked out with tears drying on my face i always say . . bye to  mary  the figure standing outside and my eyes focused on an open garage across the street. yuck there was a deer being gutted as it hung upside down and two men with knifes laying meat out on a table barf

paul. .

last week at group i felt the angst of one of the people that attend. he is ate up with guilt. i pray for him more than i pray for myself. because i don't think he knows the power of prayer. last week he said how can i keep praying over and over again for help from god everytime i feel like using? when it was my turn to speak it was soo hard not to point to him and say i prayed everytime i felt like using . . lord i feel weak. lord i need you. i can't do this alone. etc. just one sentence prayers sometimes 15 times an hour. i am not ashamed of it. i didn't keep count. i don't understand how he can actually think that our father would not want to hear us cry out to him? i am going to read the armor of god esphesians 6:10-18. i have to. today while mom was in the post office i was flipping thru the jerusalem bible and i came to romans 7:15-25 both are paul speaking. paul who use to persecute and hunt down those who followed christ. paul who had a vision on the road to damascus. paul who wrote over 10 chapters of the bible wrote these words. .

 i cannot understand my own behaviour. i fail to carry out the things i want to do, and i find myself doing the very things i hate. when i act against my own will, that means i have a self that acknowledges that the law is good, and so the thing behaving in that way is not my self but sin living in me. the fact is, i know of nothing good living in me-living, that is, in my unspiritual self-for though the will to do what is good is in me, the performance is not, with the result that instead of doing the good things i want to do, i carry out the sinful things i do not want. when i act against my will, then, it is not my true self doing it, but sin lives in me. in fact, this seems to be the rule that every single time i want to do good it is something evil that comes to hand. in my inmost self i dearly love god's law but i can see that my body follows a different law that battles against the law which my reason dictates. this is what makes me a prisoner of that law of sin which lives inside my body. what a wretched man i am ! who will rescue me from this body doomed to death ? thanks be to god through jesus christ our lord ! in short, it is i who with my reason serve the law of god and no less i who serve in my unspiritual self the law of sin.

baby talk . .

when i first got back here to moscow close to a month ago i remember thinking oh great the enemy is messing with me because i couldn't hear out my left ear and i was worried about speaking too loudly when i stood up front to bear my testimony. it all worked out great. but i mentioned to my mom a couple days ago i was still having problems hearing out that side. she warmed up a towel in the microwave and had me put some rubbing alcohol on a q tip thinking that the alcohol would dry out any blockage and the warmth from the towel would melt it. i know it is not ear wax cause i clean my ears. but it does seem since i went swimming that it has started. also when i was on swim team i use to use the alcohol in a squirt bottle so pls don't think that was cruel or unusual behavior. oh  wait i am 45 years old. anyway i woke up in the middle of the night with a red hot poker thing sticking in my ear. i know it is infected now and it hurts soo bad and my other side is making funny noises when i swallow. funny thing is i know my mom ain't going to let me go to the doctor til i have the money to pay for it. so for now suffer suffer suffer. i sense a bad mood sinking down upon me like a dark  cloud of mist. i had better get my butt to the chapel and pray. but before that library, grocery store, upto the mall to turn in a few apps, and 4 ebay packages going out. i love mondays

cinnamon . .

so i have been yawning like a banshee. . am quite ready for bed. off to the land of victory i think anyway due to the fact i can never remember my dreams. the last time i recalled a dream it startled me awake hehe. i wasn't too tired to peel a couple of apples and melt some butter in a bowl and add brown sugar, cinnamon, oats and a touch of flour and stick it all in the oven at 375 for 25 minutes for hot apple crisp with vanilla ice cream. yawning tomorrow when i walk to the chapel i am going to take the long way (well if it ain't raining ) what ?

Conjunction Junction....Best School House Rock

the only reason i know what a conjunction is because of this song hehe

stop with the pics . .

sometime last year. deleting picture folders off my computer this one is from another time in my life. i love this room-the green room

black and white. .

what is there to do in moscow idaho? there is always the friday night free movie at the nu-art theater. tonight they showed a documentary with ben stein (off of ferris bueller) called no intelligence allowed. which i found i could understand without a college degree, even though everyone interviewed were scientists. bottom line intelligent design versus the darwinian evolution. how the scientific community is or has been trying to keep God out of the classrooms. speaking of classrooms i must speak of what happened at bible study last week. i show up with notebook and pen in hand and pastor walks upto greet me. he asks me whatcha got there in a john wayne voice hehe. i show him the jerusalem bible. it kinda sticks out cause it is soo huge kinda like an unabridged dictionary and just as heavy. he notices it is from the library and i explain i haven't moved all the way here yet that my things are in spokane blah blah. after study group starts he all of a sudden points to me and says. . i want to point out this woman kris right? i sit up straight and do my miss america wave geez. he then acts all amazed as he points out  i am  new in town and i actually walked to a public library just to  check out a bible just so i can be prepared for bible study ! makes me uncomfortable to say the least. i walk 2 blocks to the library and then 3 more blocks on foot are you kidding me dude ? a year ago i would have walked miles in both directions for a bag of dope. i would have scrapped cans or found a way to come up with the money for that back of dope too ! are you kidding me ? i almost felt insulted but then i realized looking maybe alot of these people haven't been where i have. where i am never going back to ! I WOULD GO ANYWHERE FOR MY GOD.

Down To The River To Pray - Alison Krauss

The Seven Storey Mountain by thomas merton

i just finished reading the seven storey mountain about a man who joins and becomes a trappist monk at the age 26. his mom dies at an early age his father is an artist who takes him whereever there is work blah blah blah. anyway these last few paragraphs speak ...
 But then there was this shadow, this double, this writer who had followed me into the cloister. he is still on my track. he rides my shoulders, sometimes, like the old man of the sea. i cannot lose him. he still wears the name of thomas merton. is it the name of an enemy ? he is supposed to be dead. but he stands and meets me in the doorway of all my prayers and follows me into church. he kneels with me behind the pillar, the judas, and talks to me all the time in my ear. . . .And the worst of it is, he has my superiors on his side. they won't kick him out. i can't get rid of him. maybe in the end he will kill me, he will drink my blood. nobody seems to understand that one of us has got to die.

blood-red. .

so bitter the cold wind splits my lips to feast on the blood

starting. .

just walked in the door from bible study and mom hands me the phone and tells me to call cassidy. i sigh wondering what bad news she has to tell me. cause i had my heart set on her coming up on friday for the weekend. why else would she call me on wednesday night two days before she is suppose to be here if not to cancel ? she started hehe

clay walker . .

who the heck is clay walker ? mom told me she is going to take me to the casino tomorrow night and get a room so we can go to his concert. that it is going to be part of my birthday present. right mom at the casino ? someone i have never even heard of. okay hehe. least i will be in the water. the chlorine at the cda pool always makes my eyes look like i am stoned before i get in. recovery class at the student ward last night was addicting hehe. i don't know where this happy comes from or the joy in my heart. i don't have a job even though i have been putting in applications everywhere. i don't have a boyfriend or even a prospect of future ex-husband anywhere in the scenario that is called my life. i don't have any friends here. my only free time that is not spent at the library or reading is at the chapel praying. winter is just around the corner geez. my 46th birthday is on the 23rd of this month. need i go on ?

inconveniences. .

this is my daughter's boyfriend whom i use to like i guess but you know how mother's are ...things change.  i do know that his mother died of a heroine overdose years back and that he loved her very much. i know that he does not use drugs. he smokes cigarettes and he does not have a job hehe. there are red lights and sirens going off as i am at my daughter's for babysitting duty. i have been there 3 days maybe. my daughter works 3pm til 11pm as a floater. she jokingly tells me mom you are going to stay with us and babysit the kids and me and antone are going to work k? i at first nodded like an idiot and then stated ..oh no no katie see my main priority is to find a job if i am going to move back to spokane. cause it is no fun being stuck somewhere without a boyfriend or income. anyway i have been away for awhile so he doesn't realize how much we care about each other when we are able to see each other. the 2nd day after she goes to work i have already put in 7 or 8 applications in all over spokane and i was pretty sure things were going to work out. as soon as my daughter hands me and not him the last few cigarettes in her pack and walks out the door for work things go downhill real fast. i give him one and keep one for myself. he has a smirk now on his face and starts whining about how hard it is to live with my daughter. she is a control freak but she has a good heart and i love her. she seems happy so i just nod and let him vent. then he says you know i shouldn't even say this (he could probably tell i wasn't paying real close attention) but ever since you showed up here to so call babysit it is impossible to get time alone with your daughter. i mean i plan a night out with friends and she invites you along ! all she wants to do is spend time with you ! i suddenly focus on him and say don't worry she will get over it in a few days, she hasn't seen me in 5 or 6 months but he won't shut up. he then tells me you know what kris ? i hate to say it but you are nothing but an inconvenience to have around. she talks back more and tries to order me around to make me look bad in front of you and i don't have a say because she pays the bills. i jump up and tell him i have to go turn in an application about 9 blocks away. he tells me he would give me a ride but he cannot afford the gas cause he doesn't know what they are going to do after she gets off. i wouldn't have taken a ride from him at that point if he had a pegasus all saddled up. i walk off calm and cool as he is trying to apologize. i make it 4 blocks and him and my grandson pull up and he asks me not to mention our little conversation to my daughter cause it will just set her off whew. i am evil at that point. after they head off to green acres to pick peaches or whatever i head towards the drughouse. i cannot blame him for pushing me in that direction it was another enemy more cunning and able. this is how this page ends but it also is how beginnings start. dope man wasn't home and i am walking back hours and hours later when the van from victory outreach turned and called out to me ...sisiter can we talk to you ? and i replied .. ARE YOU LOST ? that whole thing turned around on me cause i called out to God what am i doing ? why am i here? help me lord !! it wasn't an hour after i cried out that i was delivered from alot of evil by the victory outreach women's home that were driving past me as i walked in my misery.

timeout. .

this is one of those snapshots that tell a story. my grandson adores cassidy nicole caraker hehe. he hasn't figured out quite yet about the danger of her temper. she is in pout mode, pissed off and angry. i gave her a timeout and poor little guy is trying to tell her . .it's alright cassidy ! i tried to warn him to stay away from her but he is just drawn to her no matter what she is going thru and blam he is on the kitchen floor crying. i like to call this snakebite hehe

the dirty streets of heaven . .

Mom had a hold at the library for this book called the dirty streets of heaven. it has sat here waiting for her to get back from her little trip to see a nephew who is 11 years old. she has been gone all weekend. i was planning on doing the grand sweep here in a little while. i picked up the dirty streets of heaven last night and started to read it. i was still in bed reading it twenty minutes ago with wild unkempt hair and my pj top on inside out hehe. i was just enjoying the quiet. there is no sound but the street cleaner outside my window. when the phone rang ! sister sigmiller from troy calling to cancel lunch with my mother tomorrow because she is in spokane at the hospital. her grandson was born early and has a hole in his heart and is not doing good. my heart flooded with compassion and i asked her the baby's name. it is james. i am headed to the chapel to pray for james. to pray for his brother's and sisters. to pray for his mom and dad. to pray for his heart. i am headed to the chapel to also thank the Lord for the health of my family....

to Hope. .

where are you Hope? i feel your pain at night sometimes. do you know how much havoc we have caused each other over the years with all our little escapades? our little misadventures? i have never loved someone soo much and disliked them at the same time. we are like two magnets. how destruction always seemed to find it's way into anything we shared together huh ? were we too much alike ? i want you to know that i turned from the pain and suffering of life into the forgiving arms of our saviour. the one you use to tell me about. i remember the time you came back into my life and you had been saved and were consumed with the  relegious fervor and i was silently amazed at the transformation of how proud you were of your faith! I wanted to know more but the truth is i didn't want you to realize that you had something i wanted hehe. the competition between us has always been fierce. we wasted soo much time on the chaos. i pray for you everyday sister. everyday i ask god to put a hedge of protection around your mind and to bring people into your life that are of him. i remember the heat burning in your heart for God. It lit up the night. it burned away the darkness. it touched me . . .

electrolytes. .

inside each one of us is the electrolytes of our life force. take for example certain memories that are locked up tight inside our heart. not our mind but in our heart. our mind is full of random debris and it is our heart that will reach out and grab ahold of the ones that matter. whether we are paying attention or not. the answer we seek is soo simple that it has become impossibly complicated. electrolytes are something that exist in the elixar of our deepest core memories. we can transform our step with vigor and life when  our journey has taken every bit of our strength. close your eyes and remember the birth of a child, the death of a loved one etc. any place where there is raw emotion lives the electrolytes of life.

crazy horse. .

when you have been under the feet of satan your whole life and bound to the chains of addiction-it is impossible not to throw your hands in the air and praise God. I try to sit on my hands while i am sitting in the pew at church. i find that i am barely able to contain my joy. picture is from crazy horse.

do you believe in spirits ?

ever since i was a young thing i have been infatuated with the water. i learned to swim in hawaii . i am half navy brat and half mermaid. my mom and sister were more into baking in the rays.  there is something that happens to my soul even as i am diving into the high water. my peace of mind is found far from shore . . that is where the quiet is. spring valley is the keeper of my soul. indeed my father fished there every chance he got after he retired from the world. i believe there is a lady of the lake at the spring valley reservoir. do you believe in spirits?

i have promised myself that at least one time each summer that i would return to spring valley at least to cleanse whatever had attatched itself to me during the year. but the older i get it is next to impossible to get there without a ride. so i dream about the cool water and i am filled with calm. i am reminded about something that took place in priest river this past summer and how powerful the whole ordeal has become looking back on it. i had a disagreement with the director of the discipleship home and even though my place was there among the jesus freaks whom i call my sisters in christ it was my temper that marched me out the door. it all happened soo fast. i was scared to death to be alone walking in the streets i had only seen looking out the window of our home. we were never really allowed outside except on fridays i was allowed outside for twenty minutes with someone for accountability as i watered the grass. i called my friend cause i knew my daughter was still sleeping since she worked graveyard. anyway we ended up at the mudhole in priest river. he fixes expresso machines and i tagged along. i was actually in hiding trying to quiet that voice inside me that was accusing me of being rash and stupid. somehow we ended up at a local watering hole and the heat was stifling. i begged for him to take me and if it were not for my charm and good looks i know it never would have happened. as soon as my foot touched the water i was pulled way out to where the quiet is. i was floating on my back peacful and unafraid and i had a vision that the water brought to me. i saw myself back at the home. i felt the faith inside me strong and true. i questioned if it was the enemy taunting me because i had left & i knew that was not going to be an option. i felt my face and upper chest burn hot with shame at the way i had let my temper get the best of me. but i was going to keep that to myself. besides who was going to know how foolish i had acted. the women in the home were separated from the world in everyway. there was no contact with anyone, no male contact, NO- t.v., radio, magazines, newspapers, friends, phones or family unless they came to church and then and only then you could sit by them. i felt relief flood my being and i questioned the vision of being back in that realm. after all they were not going to let me back in i had broken all the rules. i was always on discipline. the whole house was on discipline for two weeks because someone had put toilet paper in the toilet and the director stated that was the reason the toilet had flooded. i was not happy. now to top off everything we had to be up a t 4:30 am in our word, extra chores, no resting or naps, no seconds on food, no visits during church and on and on. i felt she was intentionally trying to contaminate my feel good that i had since being saved with her power trip. i tried to shrug it off. i heard the voice of the holy spirit inform me ...you are going back kris.  i started to go under and my nose filled up with water and i started to cough. my soul shrieked Okay Lord !! but  i whispered ..they are all going to laugh at me. i was told that when you think they are laughing at you this will be the buffer that i will put up to save you from any distress. i listened and i heard the silence of the water. there was a sound to that silence. i remember that sound. so to make a long story short i called to see about my clothes and was told pastor was going to make an exception he wanted me back in at any cost. where was i ? they would come get me !!  it wasn't two weeks later i am back in saturated in my scripture and praying for hours each day at the alter. i am the happiest i have ever been in my life and once again the most miserable. i am back on the discipline. but i am closer to my sister's i am different because of the holy spirit . i was starting to believe in the power of God i was starting to believe that he was with me. one morning i asked . . .if this is your will Abba pls give me a sign Father. it was done in a moment of weakness because when you have chaos and suffering all your life there are moments where you actually jump up terrified because you feel empty. i asked and 3 days later me and my sisters were suddenly in st. mary's working for the day helping a lady sell peaches. just out of the blue we are out of the city and we are driving the backroads of idaho. i love mountains and i love trees and the sound that the river makes as the water runs around the bend. it has never happened before that we are able to have a leisure moment or activity it is just not permitted. the lady we were helping only needed two workers and since we have to stay together all 5 of us had to go. we went from booth to booth asking if there was any work we could have. nothing and now we were asked to sit on the ground out of the way-well the ones not working. virginia our director use to live there and decided to send 3 of us to the aqua park down the road. i was soo excited i started jumping up and down. my sister from new york . . mmm very leary of the bugs and brush hehe. so both my sisters are just sticking their toes in looking around timidly and splash i am home !! in the blink of an eye i am out towards the middle of the river floating on my back and i became aware of that sound. the sound of the silence in the water. and i startled myself because of it and i hear these words. . "i have got you ". i turned over and did the breast stroke towards my sisters and laughingly challenged them to go all the way under. it wasn't in their dna. i felt time ticking away and knew that we had to be back at the fair in 18 minutes. i dived in with my eyes open and my hands brushed aside a huge fish. it looked like it swam out of my hands and i watched it disappear into the cold dark depth of the deep.

dance. .

i wanna dance in the praise of the Lord. my new heart is filled with unadulterated joy ! wait what does unadulterated mean ? better google that ..be back !
 k reads as follows-Not mingled or diluted with extraneous matter : PURE
i wanna do the holy ghost dance under a star filled sky
with my hands lifted up to that star filled sky

i always do the mommy thing hehe show pics of my children in their youth

Carrie Underwood - How Great Thou Art

...PROPHETESS BYNUM SLAIN IN THE SPIRIT.. part2

HOLY SMOKE -at the 6 minute mark talk about crazy

does this mirror make me look fat ?

you know the bad thing about taking pictures all day is ? yep you start taking them of yourself hehe. just checking in with myself ..stay the course ghostrider !! i know you want to bolt from ebay. geez seems like hours and i have got 4 listings done. does this mirror make me look fat ? lalala ho ho hum

gotta getter done. .

How can i question that nagging feeling that floods my mind. . ? that i am soo far behind on everything that i just want to throw my hands up in the air ? After all what was i doing that
was soo spectacular that it almost took my life ? Being Born-Again is Life after Death. It is like you are in the eye of the storm.  Taking inventory of myself is no longer on the books. My calender is wiped clean and there is room to pen in opportunity if i am willing to use invisible ink. Applications i have put in everywhere and now
i sit and wait alone for the phone to ring and hear my mother call out my name. Only thing is i know that God will find the one for me i just need to bide my time. What a scary thought it is to have a sound mind.
My mid-life crisis gone-lifted up out of me as I kneeled in prayer. So I have to do what I can
with this time to help my mom. EBAY it is. To get it up and running for my mom so she can pay her bills. it is soo time consuming sigh. . . but i don't have alot to do. i was selfish and told myself that i would have a job by now. she bought a new camera and memory card a couple days ago for me to use and it is still sitting on the couch. she has bob mackie, quacker factory, dennis basso, birkenstock, susan graver, storybook knits items hanging from every doorknob hehe. there are tubs of christmas sweaters (quacker factory) snowmen that are mocking me from where i sit. i can hear them all sing together in one snowman voice... it's beginning to look alot like christmas . I hate that frigging song. yeah they have got to go.

Abba.....Amen

I bow my head before thee and i thank you for this day that was not promised us. i thank you for the gentle breeze and the sunshine on my face! I thank you for the holy spirit that lives inside of me. I thank you for your grace My Lord. I praise you everyday. i thank you for my family and the mistakes that i have made. i thank you for every tear i have ever cried and everytime i have fallen on my face. only you knew what it would take to empty me to make me want to change and most of all i thank you for the Living Word. Your Son who saved me from my sin. I thank him everyday. I ask that you take anything from me that is not of you my Lord.  Be it my family, friends or life. i surrender everything i have- everything i lay at your feet My Lord. I let you sort it out for me because you are my one and only King and it is you I obey. i pray that you will annoint my eyes so that i will focus on the things you want me to see and not look to the left or right . I pray that you will annoint my ears so that i can hear your voice calling me out to me.
 Glory Glory Glory to you my God
Glory Glory Glory to you my King.
 I praise you everyday.
I see only you my King.
 I know only you.
 I bow before you my God and proudly hail your name
 I run to you when i am scared. I call to you like a child. i live for you O Holy One i have become alive again because of your salvation. i ask you to lift up my ------ and break the chains of addiction in her life and i ask that any drugs she use have no affect on her my God. I ask that she see you in me. I ask that you bring people into my life that are of you My God. I thank you for delivering me everyday from the chains of addiction. I thank you for saving me from myself  Dear Lord.
I praise you everyday.
  I sing Hallelujah to your name MY GOD.
 I praise you night and day.
I thank you for this night and the sleep i know i'll get
I thank you for my sound mind and i thank you for my new heart My God. I ask that you put a hedge of protection around my being and protect it from anything unclean. I ask that you build a fortress around my heart and fill it with your light. I thank you for the word my God and I bid you good night .

william blake-songs of innocence

Piping down the valleys wild,
Piping songs of pleasant glee,
On a cloud I saw a child,
And he laughing said to me :
"Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
So I piped with merry chear.
"Piper, pipe that song again;"
So I piped, he wept to hear.
"Drop they pipe, thy happy pipe;
Sing thy songs of happy chear:"
So I sung the same again,
While he wept with joy to hear.
"Piper, sit thee down and write
In a book, that all may read."
So he vanish'd from my sight,
And I pluck'd a hollow reed,
And I made a rural pen,
And I stain'd the water clear,
And I wrote my happy songs
Every child may joy to hear.

cry-baby . .

everytime i blog anything -i do a search for a picture on my mom's computer hehe. This is the kind of mood i am in as i wait for 7:15 pm to arrive. cassidy and i were at spring valley and she was throwing a fit cause the water was cold. Little did she know she has mermaid blood running through her veins like me. i am water. That is all i can say. It has always been my final destination. i always drag her along because she is my daughter hehe. It wasn't a half hour later she was throwing another fit because she didn't want to get out of the water. that's my girl. Can you see the fit still stuck in her lower  arms? her toes touched the water and she clenched her fists and was overcome with shudders and that annoying whine came out of her pretty little mouth.
 Anyway i have fifteen minutes before my ride shows up. i don't have an issue about where i am headed it is just part of the process of recovery. On saturday while me and mom were at the church for general conference we ran into one of her best friends of the quail run ward. she knows about me. well she does now. anyway she ended up telling me at one time her and her husband had a calling- that they ran the addiction counseling class. i said oh ? she informed me they both had been alcoholics before they found the church so the addiction class was one way they could help others. she should have stopped there. she said that any and all addictions were counseled including alcoholism, drugs, and PORNO. as soon as i heard the word porno i rolled my eyes and took two steps back and said the first thing that came out of my mind. . ."are you kidding i don't want to be in the same room sitting next to a guy who is talking about his porn addiction." i mean right? she quickly came to my rescue by asking me if it was okay if she pick me up and go to the meeting with me? dang what else could i say but yes ? i cannot question the holy spirit when people come into my life and ask if they can help me...help myself. so here i sit nervous waiting for barbera jo

the shady lady. .

i  was sitting with my daughter at her friends house. there was about ten people crammed in the kitchen. katie was doing her best to include me in the conversation.someone decided to ask
 me about the first time i met her father ? i thought about it and decided to tell the truth. i looked over at my middle child and replied. . "the first time i met your daddy i was stripping at the shady lady".
there was complete silence as my daughter turned beat red and then applause and alot of back thumping. man i need to come up with another ending to that question!