Friday, November 15, 2013

havoc

Don't you know the havoc you have caused by being the one thing you were never meant to be ?

What it wants,
you get.
What it needs
 you find.
What if says,
 you do.
What you got,
 you give.
What it means,
 doesn't matter to you.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Nursing home

There is a crowd of eldelry, strategically placed around the t.v. where i work. I bend down to pick up an empty wrapper off the floor and make eye contact with 'cheerful' she starts singing,"beautiful face, beautiful face." Instantly i hear 'grumpy' holler, "Can you shut up ?! I'm trying to watch this show !"
  I look over my shoulder and smile, cause the t.v. isn't on. It's just 'grumpy' being grumpy/

Thursday, October 17, 2013

sobriety sucks

Most people know the day they quit using drugs or alcohol. They will joyfully proclaim to the world, "On october 23, 2011 I will be clean for 2 years. Yippee good  for you ! Not me. It just happened when i wasn't paying attention. It was not a day of celebration. It was a day that will go down in infamy as far as my feel good is concerned

sunshine

i am at work and i notice a resident going into the wrong room. i walk over to gently let him know. i push his wheelchair into the hall and shut the door. He leans over and looks me in the eye and says," i hate you" with so much hate in his voice that i am speechless. Instead of crying i whisper to myself that i hate me to.

Cat Scratch Fever

 
 
My daughter hardly goes outside since she got her laptop and game station. She is like an indoor cat.. We walk outside and she says in a grumpy voice, "What is that ? I don't like it" I put my hand on my hip and tell her it's the wind.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

the door

i heard you hollering so i turned off the vacuum and casually walked to your room and stuck my head in your door to make sure it wasn't because i was keeping you awake. i should have closed your door before i turned the damn thing on but i just assumed you were awake. the room was dark and you were pointing at the closet door screaming that something was inside of it. CLOSE IT CLOSE IT JESUS CHRIST CLOSE THE DOOR. i said your name and you looked at me and didn't know who i was and you threw a glass at the door that was slightly open that held all your clothes. glass shattered and milk went everywhere. i thought what the fuk ? i walked up to your bed and said okay okay and you didn't glance my way your eyes were being held captive by whatever was in the closet. i didn't have time to scold you for the mess cause i saw terror in your eyes. i rushed over and closed the door and grabbed the handle and tried to pull it open and said there it's closed see it ain't going to open. but you were already sleeping

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I turned and glanced over my shoulder as i was unlocking the door to my hiding place and i saw you with your head buried in the arms of a younger woman who comforted you as she stared into the eyes of  a man who never looked away.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

ode to ...

I wonder what you dream about as you lie so close to death ? Your eyes never open and grab ahold of mine anymore. I find excuses to stand by your bed just to see if there is anything different about the atmosphere behind your closed door now that your family has said their goodbyes and left in such a hurry.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Moonstruck

Yesterday is behind me . . was a little overcast with a touch of bitchy. I tried everything i could think of - to stay a few steps ahead of the storm i felt approaching. i was at evening prayer. i walked beneath a dark sky and i felt the sorrow of the moon comfort me.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

sitting on the couch with my daughter's friends

I open my eyes and I stare at nothing. I look and I cannot see. I search and I cannot find. I listen and I cannot hear. I focus and I lose my mind. I wait and wonder. Nothing familiar but the loneliness. No one knows who I am. Not even me. They know what I am not. Not a good mother. Not employed. Not anything special. They don't know how far i have come. They don't realize how far i am going. They are nothing but a pair of eyes watching me rise in the morning sky. The world belongs to me.

monday

Today was a most excellent day-for monday ! i woke up in the best mood and then drifted off back to sleep for another twenty minutes or so. I checked my email and two things i had on hold at the library were in. yesterday one of the college educated (hehe) had me come over and fold 3 months worth of clean clothes and paid me $25. I would have done it for $18 dude ! at 1 pm i have an appt to clean house so at the end of the day i will have some extra cash in my pocket. I stretch my arms over my head and there are no aches in my body. my hair is acting well behaved and giggles keep leaking out of the corner of my mouth for no apparent reason.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

u love me ?

i know one of the reasons i am fucked up in the head when it comes to relationships.
 drum roll pls.. wait wait let me swallow this bitter bile at the back of my throat . .
i was married and living in spokane and had just given birth to my last child cassidy ( 7/2000)
 i was on maternity leave my baby was 11 days old. i was downstairs nursing when my husband showed up to tell me he lost his job for sexual harrasment. we had just bought a new house on the south hill and new vehicles. my hate only goes soo far. i had to leave him with my two other girls

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

longings soo strong i can't feel my faith. .

it has been six monthes since i have seen you. although your face has never left me, it haunts me in my dreams. i can only say i love you though we never spoke. you knew the rules and so did i. no contact with the opposite sex while i was in the women's home. it did not to stop me from getting attatched to you, in my own way. i am in the wrong. i was in the discipleship home and knew better to fall in love with a man that was there for church every sunday. it was the last thing i ever expected to happen. i just wanted to find my place clean and sober in this world. but i saw you one afternoon sitting alone in the sunshine with your grandkids. my sisters caught me staring and warned me not to get caught by the director. i asked of them your name. they told me it is david. you were single and close to my age. david david david your name was like a song on my lips. i was immersed in the program as i struggled to find peace and learn about god. my whole week centered on sunday at church that i might walk past you and see you smile.  how i longed to see your smile.! i know the way your eyes crinkle when you smile. i know how you walk and how you look in slacks. i know where you sit and how you kneel in prayer. i want you oh my god how i want you! the way i want you is often at times too much to bear. i think that i love you and i don't know what to do. i wish my eyes could have spoke of the love i have for you. you see i lived for tomorrow while i stayed at the house. how will i find you now that i am gone ? i only learned of your illness when pastor called you to the alter and asked us all to pray. i would give you a piece of my own liver and nurse you back myself. i prayed and prayed for you with my arms in the air. in the morning i would kneel and try to make deals with the creator on your behalf. i pray for you still. i pray that one day i will be with you. i pray that you are alive. i pray that i will see you before i die. i pray to be with you and share the same life. i pray that i find you and you make me your wife. i pray that god will mend my broken heart cause i know it will shatter when the truth be known. that you are with someone since i am gone.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

fault lines . .

i was at church on sunday with my mom and as i sat there in sacrament i listened in amazement as the church leader said this is the year they are going to rescue lost souls and all would be welcome and not to be surprised if you smelled cigarette smoke on a few or their was someone sitting in a pew with multiple piercings. it made my heart smile and i relaxed and felt a warmth spread through me. maybe i am in the right place ? next hour we were sitting in a classroom and i walked in late just in time to hear an elder say . . well we need to remember that they are the ones who put themselves there ! i sat there and listened to strategies with a shattered peace. it was all i could do to sit there so insulted i became. i finally spoke and even though it wasn't my intention i turned and spoke to the back of the room .i gave a brief history-very brief and then explained that i was insulted by what the gentleman had to say. yeah it was my choice to leave the world or church and get on the boat. i wasn't paying attention how far off we had sailed because i was high . pls excuse me i don't want to waste your time. i sat down to the quiet and tears fell from my eyes. i looked at my mom and said i want to go. she said no and i stood up and walked out with a few of the women and missionaries chasing after me. the next day i had a hunger to get high the worst i have had since i quit using. if i did this too myself maybe i need to go back there i am sick of hearing i am bad. i told mom  i am done i read the bible she doesn't i will find another church. she told me no you will go to the mormon church !! i told her if i go it will be the last time. now the missionaries are after me and i will not give them my time. see the lord is inside me don't tell me what to believe i can figure that out on my own. it is time to look for a new place to live before my mom kicks me out.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

trickster. .

ever get lost in the past ? like your mind can't function cause it is stuck on something you choose to forget. i was a little indian girl with a mess of black hair. i was sitting outside by the door while my mom was inside doing dishes or something. i can hear her humming to the radio and every once in awhile she would stick her head outside. the sidewalk is rough and warm on my leg and the wind keeps blowing a tickle across my forehead to annoy me as i play in the mud. i am glowing and so happy at the sound of my mommy's voice her love surrounds me even though i can't see her. i am digging a hole to china and whispering to the mud family that i have adopted as my own. i giggle in delight as i sit there in the sun. Suddenly behind me i feel a disturbance in the quiet and i ignore it. i am trying to hurry and finish what i had begun, knowing next time my mom sees me that she will take me inside and throw me in the tub. A crow has landed and is screeching loud as a whistle ruining all my fun. i raise my hands and try to shoo it but it comes closer counting coup and tries to take a branch i was using as an arm on momma mud. it's wings are open wide and it charges me where i sit. i scream terrified and it screeches as it attacks me with it's wings opened wide. i throw mud momma hoping to scare it away. this demon possessed beast jumps back and leaps in front of me and with it's mouth it carries off the spoon i was using !! my mom is there to grab me screaming and wraps me in her arms horrified we rush to the bathroom and she sits me on the toilet and is frantically wiping off the mud to see if i was hurt. i told her that bird had spit on my cheek and by my eye. she has a wet warm wash rag and is gently wiping off my face. she told me crow was broken and sprayed me with it's blood and where she wiped it's blood off i was bleeding too. now i am all grown and thinking bout what it could mean ? i mean what's a junkie without her spoon ?

stocker . .

like how i spelled stocker ? sound it out slowly and you get stalker lol. am i technically a stalker if they don't know ? geez i just cannot get him out of my mind. i want to know how he is and if he is with anyone but at the same time i dont want to know because what if it bursts my bubble ? it has been since summer that i looked into his eyes and when i did those butterflies in my stomach went crazy. why i think i might have never went back to the women's home if i wasn't positive he was going to be in church. dang it to hell. i don't do infatuation very well. but there is nothing i can do about it except sigh alot when i think about him. i tell myself he is with someone else by now. he has to be because he doesn't know how much i love him ! wow did i just say love ? that is it it is time i start to date . .or maybe i will just think about dating and hold out for him.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Capone . .

I was living in kansas city missouri with two small baby girls. my significant other was always on the road of misadventure ! He use to race top fuel harleys and being a 1%  he was required to be gone most holidays on club runs. Our youngest daughter Katie wasn't even a year old and i was wearing post partum baby blues like a coat. i just could not shake off the uneasy feeling that he was cheating on me. i mean i met him when i was dancing as a stripper at the shady lady. he rescued me from that but i held it against him once we were together for being in that kind of place ! he was in bowling green kentucky and i woke up in the morning and called his room unannounced an some ungodly hour. a woman answered the phone and hung up. what the hell ? i went down to my knees screaming like an animal in my jealous rage. i called back immediately and guess what ? no answer !! not even the next 15 times i called. i went thru fifty mood swings before i decided i wasn't going to answer the phone when he called at our 6 pm designated time each night he was away. i didn't answer the next night or the next one even though his messages were getting crazy. see he was jealous crazy over me too. i didn't know what to do only that if i was going to leave i had 2 more days to get. Suddenly i heard that harley pull in the drive and he swung the door almost off the hinges and grabbed me by the hair. he was screaming . . ."you think that it is funny to not be here when i call bitch ?" He accused me of having sex with some guy i didn't know even though our daughters were there scared to death crying on the couch. i didn't even get a chance to say anything about the chic that answered the phone in his room !  I was more angry than scared and started to struggle out of his grip. The sound of the growl was more than enough to startle us all and he suddenly dropped me to the ground. i turned to capone and grabbed him by the collar and was calmly walking him to the back door to chain him up in the back yard. he was a pit bull who was my protector when it was just me and the girls. i loved that dog so much and so did the girls. I looked up as he walked into the kitchen screaming that is my dog and how dare he growl at me !! I watched horrified as he shot him dead right there in the kitchen at my feet. Oh dear god what did you do !! you were dragging me by the hair screaming and kicking me capone was just trying to protect me and besides it is not like he bit you !!! i ran at him and started punching him in the chest. He grabbed both my arms in a single hand and backed me up against the wall . .laughing at the incredulous look on my face

Monday, January 21, 2013

Jesus

if i was thirsty
 i would drink from his cup
if i was a beggar
 i would not ask for a thing
if i was a queen
 i would kneel at his feet
if i had nothing
 i would give everything
if i was a dreamer
  i would know the truth
if i was old
 he would give me youth
if i was a sinner
 he would set me free
if i were to ask
 he would deliver me

Thursday, January 17, 2013

heartbeat. .

the sunshine was hiding in my hair and the warmth of it felt so good that as i was hurrying down the steps to race to the library i jumped down skipping the last step. my whole intention was to hurry and find some dvd movies to check out before the kids were out of school. that was the plan . .but as i stood there something dawned on me and i raced back up and came back down those same steps again and this time i jumped to the ground skipping the last two steps. once again i stood there and suddenly darted back up and just as i was getting ready to launch myself from the third step from the ground i remembered the security camera. geez i hope i don't end up on youtube or something. it is just that i noticed the broken pieces of my heart made no noise each time i landed on my feet. i think my broken heart is no longer broken.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

thunder . .


i lift my arms to greet the morning and somehow my uplifted hands summon the whispering magic that hides amongst the clouds like children. electricity moves thru my hair with a purpose and suddenly a bolt of electricity shoots out of my arm into the open sky with the voice of thunder and my only thought is that i definetely am in need of deodorant.

Monday, January 14, 2013

what ain't. .

show me a monster and i will give up a saint
show me a saint
what ain't
it ain't

Sunday, January 13, 2013

seeds . .

death plants it's seed in us all. grief, real grief is somewhat like having mononucleous. it hurts to breathe in and you get lost in exhaling. I have this daydream that i am stuck in the arms of winter here in idaho hiding out from the dopeman. i am at the end of a long long driveway playing at shuffling the snow. i turn and notice dark clouds in the air around the head of a body all bundled up like a snowman. this snowman is tumbling down my hill and i rush to ask if he has slid off the road or something. i have a smile on my heart and i am enjoying the brisk air. this snowman waves at me and wraps me in his arms. i look close and it is my dopeman asking me if i have a spoon and some water. dope kills dope kills dope kills

Thursday, January 10, 2013

the man

Last night i lay in the darkness as my soul began  to scream out into the nether world for grace and healing that i have not earned. my screams shattered the barren place that resides between both our worlds. tears poured out of both my eyes as i tried to sit up and beg for the room to breathe. Just as quickly as it had started i fell back on my pillow and drifted off to sleep. I was walking along a worn dirt path that wound and turned out of view. Instead of feeding the worry that was growing at the back of my mind I began to concentrate on the small whisper of wind that was caressing my face, like the fingers of a mother trying to calm a child. I felt the trees ache to protect me and a silence took hold of my hand.the silence soo thick with meaning that i stopped to look around. There was an old man sitting in a wicker swing that hung between two trees. i cleared my throat and began to panic at what was going on. My fingers began to wring each other and without moving forward to face this man i fell on my knees. i could sense time move thru the top of the trees and i lay in the shelter of their arms. A pulse began to pump into the atmosphere like the heartbeat inside my chest. i was at a loss for words and really was thankful for this unintended rest. i had no voice or reason to speak to this man who sat alone. but why was he here in this place so far from the world? i sat up and looked around and i felt he was trying to communicate with what is inside of me. i stood up behind him and put my hands on his swing and i heard what i thought was the wind if it had been given voice. he asked me what i could give to him and i hung my head and sobbed. i have nothing. no real life at all or loved ones who even keep in touch with me. i cried and wiped my nose on my sleeve and stumbled  back to the ground. there is nothing deep inside of me i gave it all to my vice. i was soo ashamed of who i am that i took a step back and another. I was almost to the point of running back the way i had come when he stood and turned around. His face was unfocused and moving like a spaceship to another world. i was consumed with peace and longing to find out where he was from. he took both my hands and he looked into my eyes and he began to lift off the ground and disappear into the clouds and i am left there with the songs of birds as i look around.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

native girl . .

look into my eyes and i will look away
smile back after i smile at you
  and you will win my heart.
no questions about the past
  or what i'm gonna do
Cause i don't have the answers
 to the questions that u ask

feed the fish

whew it is like i stopped to read a few of my entries on this blog and i am down and out baby !! I must feed my on line fish before they starve and be cheerful. cheerful what the hell is that ?                         

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

heaven

i toss and then i turn and then i toss once more before i flip completely over and try to fit my body to the emptiness that is my one and only. i sigh most of the time without even realizing it and i question everything that involves me. . like i am not real. who will love me and hold me in the night ? there is no one who wants me more than i want them. i am soo far from this place i cannot even recall it's name. I am giving up on that place that is suppose to exist outside the streets of this world.