last week i posted something about being in ONE of those relationships...and even though i will never hide behind a nametag or label that reads...hello my name is battered spouse. fuk that !! that don't look good on me i have so outgrown that period in my life that i could look at it from a different perspective. life these days moves fast. he's got kids and she has kids..and they have kids together. i blog because i need to be able to see over my shoulder without walking into a solid brick wall. yeah while i was participating in that whole lifestyle thing it was raw jagged emotion of the worst kind. i think that once you reach a certain point in your travels that you realize that we all pick our battles just like we pick our pain and what is going to shape us in the future scheme. i can't be broken at this time from the damage that has occurred at his hands. it was a love ending story that was over before it started only thing was it felt soo right. i could not see any of the warning signs until i had his baby growing inside me and hell i loved the man. i know how to bend and i know how to get up. i know how to stand in the corner and hold my hands tightly at my sides not daring to wipe the spittle off my face because of the trigger it will blow. i am just going to say it to myself ..yes kris you are damaged but not as bad as i could be. it is almost like all those years there was a presence beside me ..taking my hand and just holding it when i was bloody on the floor. even though the terror was more often than not my java jolt of jump start it flooded my body with adreneline. if my body was a SS Chevy Nova (1966) and i had a bottle of nitrous to power me up..it would still be too rich for my extended outlook. but for my fight or flight response it was all i had. so being truthful now i don't want to talk to a counselor and bottom line is fuck talking about the minute details when that just gives someone leverage over me to go oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh. the only thing that i can talk about as far as damage control is how i tried to explain these repressed emotions of the violent kind that no longer have the label of it's existence. there was too many that i filed in that forgotten cabinet in the back room of my inner self. well once in a while the door will open or something and one will float to the top just like a helium balloon and pop flooding me with intense negative emotion no matter where i am in my life and to top it off it just about cripples me. how do you explain a mood change like that to someone? i use to soothe myself by scratching the inside of my arms to give my pain a release..
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