numb..

today i am going to keep turning in job applications all over town. it makes me wonder if i am suppose to be here if things aren't working out. how can i support myself without a job of my own. i have not a clue of which way way to go. my mind and my destiny each have a hand. they are both pulling in different directions as i am stuck in the middle. i must think positive. everyday i cannot give into crying just to soothe this ache. it is nobody's fault but my own. it is time for me to jump out of the hole i have been hiding in. i am out of options. since i am not about drugs anymore it is like i have no purpose. whenever i would go through the motions of life at the back of my mind there was always my ulterior purpose to be high. i would work and cook supper and move throughout my day knowing that if it took a week or a month that i would have money to buy dope. that i would be numb for a few hours that i would have peace. now that is no longer a priority of mine it is impossible to grasp ahold of anything that is real. being high and staying high was my whole charade. my purpose of existence. it is hard to know anything. my mind lingers on the outskirt of a dream that i held close. it is the only thing that knows me..how to hold me that calms my soul. everyone on this earth is suffering it is not fair to expect soo much for myself when all i did with my life is be high. they are two different worlds that overlap.