the chilly air

what is wrong with me? I am so happy yet at the same time...the only thing I breathe out is dread. So much has happened and i am still spinning like a top around the fact that maybe god has given me another chance at redemption. He has given us both a shot at the free throw line. Cap and I are back together. God how i love him sooooo much. He comes down every weekend, well my weekends off. And to top it off graveyard is killing me...I get home and wait for my man to call and tell him everything is going to be okay and that i cannot wait to see him. Then I hang up the phone after faking warmth in my voice when i tell him i love him. But as soon as i hang up the phone i start to bawl and cry like a baby. The guilt i feel just gnaws away at who i am it is all my fault what is happening. He is doing time for my drugs they found that one day back over a year ago. He has got to turn himself in on the third of next month for a year. And that is with good time, he will not be out no sooner than a year. I tried to talk to him about it and he just says you know i would not let them charge you with anything cause you have got your daughter to raise, it is my job to protect you baby. fuck shit damn...what is going on ? I was going to go back with him to spokane we both talked about it and stay at the house but I decided that this job i have got is a good one and it would be better for us and especially me if i stayed here and concentrate on getting a place here in idaho for him to move into and out of the meth infestation of spokane. MY only thing is I cannot hold it together and when I am not tormenting him with my insecurity, the guilt starts tormenting me. I walked away that day. Well I wasn't there when the cops came I was walking down the road on my way to pick up my car. Cause I had parked it in a fit of panic cause I had no valid lisc. and I thought the cops were following me ..which turned out they were. By the time I got home they had him handcuffed and would not let me in the house. They told me he had signed a statement that everything was his and that we were in the process of breaking up and he would take all the blame if they would just let me go. They just let me go and i waited for my man to get home and i kept using and so did he. We both felt time was running out and we sped along around the curves too fast, almost crashing everytime we stopped to catch our breath. What happened is the funny thing..I never fell out of love with him from the first time we made love over two and a half years ago.. and now i am angry when he cannot drop everything and be up here with me to hug me and remind me that he loves me and forgives me. I no longer have a vehicle and my mother hates him and everytime he calls she hangs up on him and
I start thinking he is blowing me off and you know it just gets away from me. Baby baby baby why can't i stop loving you? I only wanted the best for you and i am thinking that i may need therapy to help me cope with issues i had before you and i met. namely possom..
I will wait for you
i will wait for us
i need you more than you need what i am about
you only know me when i was using and with my self confidence
that i found with meth
i think that we are going to have issues
with my insecurity
and distance
as i try to view the world clean and sober
will you be my glasses
when the light is too dark
or when you just tell me to close my eyes?