altered states

altered states of emergency is more like it..coming clean again and again. I think I am going to try it one more time and see if i cannot acquire a taste for it. The irony about the whole thing is I feel like it is inside out when it comes to me. my altered state of consciousness is not being clean. I feel like a stranger to myself. I don't know whether i need to start over and let things be or try to rationalize why i chose the path I did. The thing about drugs is it feels good the first time you use. it is addicting that was my biggest downfall. I could not get the feel good from life when i needed it. When I had to have it, and I was to impatient to let it find me. So I cheated i paid for it. Ahhh that is the easy way out. Well the easy way in. I think back and wonder what happened to the good times..it is like they merged into something evil. A beast I could not control. My addiction was like a dangerous dog on a chain. I fed it and watered it like I was suppose to and let it inside my house. I know my children had to have an idea because of the knocks on the door at all times of the night. But in the beginning I had a good job and i told myself that it was okay cause I was a functioning addict. That is how I justified what i had become..a functioning addict. I used and abused and smoked and snorted and laughed and cried and longed for peace..stability..love..and always more. That was my drug of choice-MORE. I know alot about people and what they do to get by. The excuses they use to ease the reality of life. cause i used them all to. I did not want to stop and I did because i knew it was killing me and everything i stood for. now looking back i can see something and it hurts worse than the calm that soothed my irrational storm. It is the fact that meth is not going to go away, if anything it is worse now than when i first started close to twenty years ago. I think jail and probation is just a pee test away for everybody. And it is big business. I know cause i use to pick up the drug tests and second chance house and task everyday. I felt the panic as I walked out the front door of whatever business i was leaving. It was worse than a brick wall. it was invisible fear and anger not at me really but at what they had become. let me just state that at that time i was not using .I should have known better than to have ever shared that pipe with the beast. the jails are full of addicts and the jails are full of violent offenders and i feel it is not a good combination. It is time to fix the problem instead of just punishing the ones that get caught. there are so many victims..I remember one time i saw a toddler running across ash and then maple by the court house with nothing on but a diaper and i started yelling at him. i was just horrified cause it is a busy road. i scared him and he never even turned around. i went straight to the police desk in the ford building and hurriedly explained about this child ..that they needed to send a squad car something and they needed to do it now!!! I was told that unless i was willing to make s police report they weren't going to be able to send a squad car for him. I did the only thing a mother could do-I LOST IT.
I don't really remember reaching over the desk and knocking things over to get to what i cannot remember i just knew i had to do something besides jump up and down.
Later i was told that yeah the thing was the mom was a meth user and had passed out with her front door wide open and when the police brought her baby back she was so out of it they could not even wake her up. I know good people who use and I know more bad people who part of the problem. Why is it that everybody who uses regardless if they are good are not are labeled bad. Do we have to wait until enough good people are in the throes of meth before something can be done to help everybody. When you have a child before you leave the hospital if you test positive they take your child away for endangerment. I do know two or three women this has happened to and it breaks my heart. Why can't they ask for help before it comes to that instead of losing everything. just because you use does not mean you don't love your children.
i understand wanting to protect the young. But somewhere there has got to hope.
somewhere there has got to be middle ground.