forget about it

I haven't really come that far. I stopped what I was doing and chose a different path. There is a difference between doing something with your life and not using drugs. I stopped moving after I became an addict. I was going too fast to get anywhere. One day I looked in the mirror and I cried and cried. I had nothing. Absolutely nothing that was mine. I was empty.I got some drugs. I can't say that life is so much better now that I am clean. It's not. But what did I expect? I was gone for twenty years. The world outgrew me. It was awesome wonderful to know I had no drugs. No feel good to soothe me anymore. And what? I have to find a job? Where? I'm not ready. Why doesn't anyone understand that? For the first time in my life I know what it feels like to be be alone. Oh wonderful I am now employed and have to wake up early each morning and go to work. I am 47 years old and respectable because I have a job? Fuck you Idaho and your minimum wage. I make $7.25 an hour and no matter how many hours I work it will never be enough to get my own place. Do you know how that feels? I need space and quiet and clutter. If there is clutter it stills my mind. Why do I have to put on pants and shirt? I am use to walking around in my panties. I miss that. In the back of my mind I actually believed I had a purpose. That I was special in some way. That if I quit meth somehow God would reward me. I was hoping for love. There is no feel good in love. There is no feel good in drugs. There is no feel good in friendship or work. There is no feel good in nothing. I don't want it anymore.