pickles..

today- even though i was well rested and in good spirits,  flew out the window the second i clocked in and climbed up to the third floor of the motel and saw that my cart was not stocked i was suddenly and completely burnt out!! up and down those damn steps fifty times an hour is a mood changer. well at least for me it is. thank goodness the day was gorgeous and not too hot. i did get thru the day just fine and had enough tips to stop at papa murphy's on my way home for the newest bacon cheeseburger pizza. it had pickles on it lol.  i had three big pieces & i am now soo lazy and nap prone that i can barely keep my eyes open.. the yawns are moving thru my body and making my toes curl. nothing makes my toes curl except..um yawns

moscow pawn..

better left alone is probably a good thing to be wearing on a nametag as far as i am concerned. fuk why can't i get it done ? i put in another job application in at papa murphy's just cause i am not already exhausted enough after work at the super 8. after walking the mile to and from the motel and going nowhere and doing nothing with my social life as far as spending money goes. ten years ago my paycheck every 2 weeks was always over $800 dollars and now if i am lucky it is around 200. i haven't been able to buy anything cept milk and otter pops and my stamina is shit. my mom's house is almost done. she left after we had just moved in -for vacation.(a month) and left me a 20. i have put iit in orderwith a vengeance. but i live here also is what she will say even though i have maybe 4 boxes. i emptied, put away, broke down, trashed, put up, folded, washed and dried so it would get done. At least i have this, my laptop to pawn. it sucks being 40 dollars short on the dentist payment so i will pawn this for 50. she told me with all the business i brought her on ebay (because she never paid me really- maybe 60 bucks for 5,000 dollars she made from me listing her auctions. i have done hundreds of them and each one takes upto 15 to 20 minutes. she said she couldn't afford to pay me because the postal service had raised their prices soo much that she was losing money. yeah what a complex to put on my already down in the dumps view of myself. then she said that when her house sold she would take care of the dentist so i could have the work on my teeth finished. everytime she would drive me to pick up an application or go to the store or church she always would pat my hand and tell me to remember not to smile sigh.. i worked my ass off with getting the house packed up totally and taking each and every box up the 20 steps to the apt. she said she was going to pay for the dentist again and take me to the casino next time we had some free time but that i needed to help her do ten boxes a day-of her stuff not mine. when we did go to the casino i immediately lost my forty bucks i went to see how long we were staying and she was feeding hundreds into two different machines at the same time. she gave me a twenty dollar bill and i took it and went and sat in the suv for the next two hours crying. now i have to pay the hundred a month to the dentist. it is officially mine, but no matter what i do or am told what;s hers is hers and mine is mine

miwok magic..

so after the woodpecker in the front pillar at work i looked and looked and found a list i have carried around most of my adult lfe. i know it might be wrong for me to take and write down as far as sacred and secret but you know what it was all i had at the time. the miwok indians out of northern california were acorn gatherers was all i could gather from many extended stays at the kansas city library. being adopted and then moving away does tend to put a crimp in learning tribal history. although i did move to hawaii , pearl city it was- for the next three years and i loved it. i found an article about the death of one of the last known miwok medicine men and if i remember right i thought his last name might have been smith. they published and photographed every item found in his medicine bag and that was something that excited me. now i could rule the world. anyway all these years later i think i am just going to jot them down one more time  SO HERE GOES;
1. ORANGE & BLACK  FLICKER FEATHERS
2. TURKEY VULTURE FEATHERS
3. ALBINO OR ODDLY COLORED DEERSKIN
4. OBSIDIAN -ORANGE and BLACK
5. WOODPECKER SCALPS
6. SCARLETT WOODPECKER FEATHERS
7. DENTALIA
8. DENTALIUM SHELL MONEY
9. MAGNESITE CYLINDER
10. DISCOIDAL BEADS
11. RIVER ROCK with natural hole
12. DEER HORN RATTLE
13. COCOON RATTLES
14. BULL-NOAKEK (arer)?

dirty laundry..

my day off passes gracefully..without a sound or a whimper. the only human contact i have is what i see from my 2nd story apartment window. i have not spoken to anyone human or myself for the second day in a row. i wonder if i will still rememember how to speak english tomorrow when i return back to the job ? i am not totally useless i did march my pretty little self down the twenty steps two times just so i could do my laundry.when you have your basket of clothes and are trying not to act winded on those stairs that are worse than the lewiston grade you distract yourself from the pain of trying to take a normal breath like everybody else. i can feel the eyes watching me ...i am facing the high school. so i was given a pep talk i guess to make me feel better about myself. funny thing is i didn't know i was bothered by it.
 these are the words that popped in my head as i was trying to appear graceful but i was two seconds away from road rage folks. when i got to the top and i sighed in secret relief i heard... "see it doesn't matter if you have no friends and know no one in this rinky dink town. you can do things on your own. fuck them least you are getting something done. ha is that funny or what?
 so i am going to try to start blogging a little bit more about a little bit less and see where it takes me..yawning loudly i am .

 wait a second i have changed !! omg i wash all my towels after one use now. i never use to do that. i am damaged to the point of sheer exhaustion. a towel use to have a shelf life as far as i was concerned. which is starts off all folded and neat on the shelf and  when you reach for it that is the one that you wrap around your body-next to your skin. then it moves to the one you wrap around your head to keep your hair back and away so you can dry off the rest of your body and put lotion on or keeps your face front and center when putting on make up. let me just stop right here and say i love make up. my hair is long and flyaway when i am ready to tackle it i will drop the towel to the floor.  after 3 or 4 rounds as head cover. then gravity takes over and it moves on down to the floor. especially where i use to live with the drafts and cat hair covering everything wet.  ahhhhhhhhh see i just blogged about nothing nothing at all

i feel you in my dreams without a face...

the only time i hunger...really hunger for it is right before i close my eyes for the night.  how long will i question my inability to take the iniative and give somebody a chance? it is true alcohol does tend to free the frigid beast inside me. but it is not the beast that needs freeing. in my dreams i am free. i must be cause i wake refreshed and renewed like i must have got my rocks off fifty times before waking. got my rocks off and fell asleep in the arms of my rock star lover. the one that sings the songs that soothes the beast. here i go with the beast thing again. damn i need to quit that, putting myself down.

knock knock...

i am definetly not a diet girl i am more the exercise than eat whatever the hell i want kinda girl. the sun was shining with a nice breeze going to make it a pretty pleasant day. hehe check this out in one of the front pillars at the motel we heard this knocking and i said it has got to be a woodpecker because only a woodpecker can drive one crazy with it's knocking noise. when i was leaving me and marissa noticed it had knocked out a huge hole at the bottom of this pillar and it appeared the whole thing was splitting up from the hole at the bottom of the pillar. the woodpecker was inside we saw his red mark on his chest. we were scared he was going to fly out and attack us or at least i was. so i  came home instead and made tacos. just finished up my laundry. looking thru applications for future ex- husband as i sit here watching tv.

so i forgot to post a picture of the woodpecker damage so here it is folks...damage a single bird can inflict in moscow idaho or as i like to call it bum fuck egypt

the bottom is where he broke out. this pillar is huge and he cracked it all the way up -in the middle

a few minutes more..

i just got off the phone with my youngest daughter. even though i only have a few minutes left on my minute phone til payday i had to do it. i go to work and i come home. that is it. that is all i have at this time. they are hours away from me now. there is nothing i wouldn't do to step back in time and be annoyed by my children. i can feel the life drain out of me with every breath. but i have to be here for me. it is just me, myself and I. even though i whine and moan about my ex it is not really him i miss as much as the life we had together.  i will never go back to him or with him for as long as i live. it was all wrong from the beginning and yet there i things i thought were okay not to have.i settled for less and told myself that was okay. i have not really dated or looked seriously for anyone or anything why? because i don't know myself or what it is i need or want. i only talked with cassidy a few moments, the sound of my baby's voice choked me up instantly and completely. i couldn't let her know how lost i am without her when she doesn't appear to be lost without me.