the door

i heard you hollering so i turned off the vacuum and casually walked to your room and stuck my head in your door to make sure it wasn't because i was keeping you awake. i should have closed your door before i turned the damn thing on but i just assumed you were awake. the room was dark and you were pointing at the closet door screaming that something was inside of it. CLOSE IT CLOSE IT JESUS CHRIST CLOSE THE DOOR. i said your name and you looked at me and didn't know who i was and you threw a glass at the door that was slightly open that held all your clothes. glass shattered and milk went everywhere. i thought what the fuk ? i walked up to your bed and said okay okay and you didn't glance my way your eyes were being held captive by whatever was in the closet. i didn't have time to scold you for the mess cause i saw terror in your eyes. i rushed over and closed the door and grabbed the handle and tried to pull it open and said there it's closed see it ain't going to open. but you were already sleeping

I turned and glanced over my shoulder as i was unlocking the door to my hiding place and i saw you with your head buried in the arms of a younger woman who comforted you as she stared into the eyes of  a man who never looked away.

ode to ...

I wonder what you dream about as you lie so close to death ? Your eyes never open and grab ahold of mine anymore. I find excuses to stand by your bed just to see if there is anything different about the atmosphere behind your closed door now that your family has said their goodbyes and left in such a hurry.

Moonstruck

Yesterday is behind me . . was a little overcast with a touch of bitchy. I tried everything i could think of - to stay a few steps ahead of the storm i felt approaching. i was at evening prayer. i walked beneath a dark sky and i felt the sorrow of the moon comfort me.

sitting on the couch with my daughter's friends

I open my eyes and I stare at nothing. I look and I cannot see. I search and I cannot find. I listen and I cannot hear. I focus and I lose my mind. I wait and wonder. Nothing familiar but the loneliness. No one knows who I am. Not even me. They know what I am not. Not a good mother. Not employed. Not anything special. They don't know how far i have come. They don't realize how far i am going. They are nothing but a pair of eyes watching me rise in the morning sky. The world belongs to me.

monday

Today was a most excellent day-for monday ! i woke up in the best mood and then drifted off back to sleep for another twenty minutes or so. I checked my email and two things i had on hold at the library were in. yesterday one of the college educated (hehe) had me come over and fold 3 months worth of clean clothes and paid me $25. I would have done it for $18 dude ! at 1 pm i have an appt to clean house so at the end of the day i will have some extra cash in my pocket. I stretch my arms over my head and there are no aches in my body. my hair is acting well behaved and giggles keep leaking out of the corner of my mouth for no apparent reason.

u love me ?

i know one of the reasons i am fucked up in the head when it comes to relationships.
 drum roll pls.. wait wait let me swallow this bitter bile at the back of my throat . .
i was married and living in spokane and had just given birth to my last child cassidy ( 7/2000)
 i was on maternity leave my baby was 11 days old. i was downstairs nursing when my husband showed up to tell me he lost his job for sexual harrasment. we had just bought a new house on the south hill and new vehicles. my hate only goes soo far. i had to leave him with my two other girls