machines are always hungry. .

it is always hard for me not to get disgruntled with winter moving in. autumn is in full force. the leaves are slowly slipping off the trees to the ground. i hate being cold. my mom says the brisk air makes her feel alive and i say shut the door after you. i didn't make it to the chapel to pray. i wanted to but we had to get cassidy to cda to meet her dad. so of course we stopped at the casino i feel guilty for putting money in the machines. i understand that there are negative spirits that grab ahold of many a face at that place. i don't like to watch the people. i am afraid that a familiar spirit will attempt my demise. i found myself making a compromise with my maker. i put five dollars in a penny machine and in 3 pulls i was down to a dollar. less than a minute. i was soo mad at myself. i said just let me get my money back and i will stop. i bet one whole dollar and hit bonus of $30. i cashed out and then when i was walking toward the lobby i had two one dollar bills in my back pocket and i actually had the balls to stop in front of another machine and stick it in. this time i told myself well it isn't from the money i won. it is only two dollars  i whispered in shame and first pull i won $27. i cashed out. i heard a voice inside my head.. you are done ! i walked out to the hotel lobby put on my nerd glasses and started to read abraham lincoln vampire hunter. trying not to cringe at my failed attempt to be strong enough to abstain from the appearance of evil. i wanted to jump up and find my mom and demand that we leave. but i felt a calm descend upon me as soon as i asked my god to forgive me and my weakness. i read two chapters and i looked up to my mom standing in front of me with a native woman i have never seen. she told me that we were going to go eat crab legs at the buffet. the lady was a host at the casino and had approached my mother on the floor and asked her if she was hungry. of course they came and got me. i love crab i had 3 heaping plates and hot butter oh baby babe. i know nothing is bout me but maybe it was god rewarding me for just sitting there and reading my book like a good monkey. i was starving. my birthday is in a few days so who knows ? the past few days i have felt cold and in the clutches of depression. it is better not to be with someone if you don't really love them. that is the moral correct thing to do. but it is going on two years now. this is my time to rest in the spirit of God. i know it. why then does the lonliness have such a deep hold on me ? i am use to dark water. i know how to keep afloat far from shore. so why do i keep praying for a shark ? the enemy is the only one that believes in me.