rehab is for quitters. .

 

i want sunshine and laughter and warm days at the river where everyone just gets along with each other. we didn't even know this dog he just showed up from next door. dog shows up and my daughter is instantly in happy mode. nothing i did that day  could bring her the joy that damn  dog did by chasing after sticks and bringing it back to her to throw again. who knew life could be so simple ? my life is complicated by the simplicity i seek. it is apparent  to me and now everyone in group. i did soo good. until one of the guys started talking about how far he has to go- before he can actually finish the 12 step program. every week we are on another step and i forget where he said he is stuck. but as he spoke i saw tears well up in his eyes and the next thing you know i had to open my big mouth. sighing loudly i am and shaking my head in wonder. i spoke these words. . . that now looking back on things maybe i shouldn't have spoken my testimony in church about being an addict because i feel that the  sisters are uncomfortable with me and then i corrected myself cause the truth is i am the one who is uncomfortable with them. that i had just assumed that since i was clean and sober now that god would have made sure my life was easy and comfortable with things like employment or friendships. that i felt like i was standing on a big empty platform alone away from the rest of the world in a fetal position just waiting for satan to knock me off. that the quiet was starting to distract me. that the quiet was disturbing in an eerie way. it was like in the quiet there was a silence before some major catastrophe that is about to befall me. it has been awhile since i was tempted and everytime it is quiet i feel myself dreading even walking out the door and then to top it off i started to cry ! in a room full of men. poor guys they didn't have a clue how to comfort me there was alot of throat clearing and one of them brought me tissue hehe. time to end this day and lay me down to sleep on chapter 4 of abraham lincoln vampire hunter and maybe sleep will find me like it always does when i least expect it.