another blow of the candles

I hate birthdays especially when you are over 40 and don't have someone to share it with. It is almost a time of reflection but in all truth it is like my life has not been that productive and never ending. I have been too scared to break out of old patterns most of my life and the choiices i make are the ones that keep me under because that is what i am most familiar with. It is home for me without the usual things most of us keep in our castle. I have always said my home is in his arms because i have always felt misplaced and that is my choice. II know this and my kids know it and even though alot of people are that way it is upto them to actually utter the words---i am lost. Not homeless because i have a bed and a t.v and a closet that holds on my clothes and bathroom drawers that roll out all my disguises :) ah make up is your friend. A quiet evening at home is something that rarely has been within my grasp it is like a rascally rabbit that got away. I cannot blame life for where i am right now and i cannot be broken or useless.I mean come on i have only got a few years left to dust myself off and get back up on my feet while i still look half way decent that is! Because how else am i suppose to trap somebody to distract me away from that feeling inside that runs up and down me faster than mercury in a thermometer ? Fuck the digital thermometer i like watching the red liquid move to the groove of that heat that burns inside of me. I have never known true happiness or the stench of total failure i have always been stuck in the middle ground too dumb and stupid to figure it out. I don't know what side is the right side and instead of figuring it out myself or taking on both sides. because i know i am right I just wait and watch. My temper leads me off the track and i often lose focus from what i am doing by the urge to get in someone's face. I am thankful that even though i have lost a few of the battles and did need to get knocked on my ass that i must win the war. There is v ery few things that i trust. I know the sun will come up in all her glory and i know that my monthly implosion will occur every full moon. I trust time to feed me my destruction on an empty plate. My thirst will feed the hunger. But on the other side of the coin. I have this burning piece of righteous spirit that has never ever ever left me no matter what i do or have done. I know my father loves me dearly and i know i have lived before. I know this is weird but i know i will die in a car crash before i am 20.. hehe i trust the pain but the glory and the belonging or trusting someone with your heart or happiness is too much for me to comprehend. Why give someone that kinda power for a few beats of your heart? I say it is the soldier who fights for the country who does honor right