Mom should be back from her weekend to Seattle any second now. I am working on not cringing at the sound of the garage door opener... doing it's thing. Cause as soon as she left I ran over and locked the door. Then I slipped out the back slider and lit up a smoke. I started coughing like crazy & put it out in the planter and went back inside. It must have been an hour before i smelled the smoke ! I opened the blinds and fell on my ass. I ran outside and grabbed the hose without turning it on. I lost so much adrenaline putting it out. That I stayed pumped up and juicy for the next few days. That is the picture that is my dread. That is the reason she will send me to bed.What did I learn That smoking is bad? Not happening never that. My 45th birthday is this month eeeks .Just think in ten years I will be five years from sixty heheh.. That is just how girls think . I almost give up on getting a good present to getting back home. Is that a sign of wisdom or giving up? I just don't appear to have the juice inside me anymore..the elixir of life. I thirst for life I really do but hand me a cup and I will turn my head. I don't want it anymore. There is a voice inside my brain that is screaming at my soul. But my heart is not listening . It is like my soul covered my ears going nanananananannanan AMNOTHEARINGYOUIWOULDRATHERBEDEADNANANAN .I get this feeling I can't explain. It is like a verbal encoding meant for me - like a morse code to me ....from me to me .He waits and he wants and he waits somewhere. You think you are tired you think you are worn..? Oh pretty baby you don't want to live no more? You are the one who made the pledge. You vowed to serve him.. you vowed to pray. The angels are singing the angels believe the angels will lift you up on your knees. Oh pretty lady get on up ! The Father so loves you he gave up his son. He is not punishing you in this life. Never forget that ..you wanted the strife. You are so close and soo far away. Listen and hear the words I say...You must finish the journey to prove your worth. So dire is his suffering so bad is his pain...that a piece of him is suffering..that a piece of him dies. So Great is the Father- Our Immortal King !! This is your choosing -a blink of an eye ! What is the use in suffering if you aren't going to try? You are the one that came from his his soul. The one that he longed for and the one that he loves. I am a creation because of you. I am his worry. a fleeting thought given life by the creator so powerful his love... Come on dear child get up off the ground !! This is not happening this world is a ghost. The longing for something that fills you with dread, that fills you with hope, that gets in your head. I can give you something to ease the pain. The ache that you are feeling that you cannot explain that is what consumes you and drives you insane..It is more than you are it is more each day. It is immortal agony that festers inside. Like a boil that is cancerous it will consume the ride . A part of him he put in you .A piece of something to save your soul. a genetic marker that has no clue..An immortal gift ..a righteous spark. I am the one here with you. Trapped with the living but doomed all the same. I will never leave you... I will never go. We are sailing and you are the ship. You are the vessel out at sea Lost in the motion, far from the shore Searching for something you can't explain I will not leave you or abandon ship.. I am the captain..I hold the key Together we must find him and there is our home. I am inside you and you are with me. I have the the answers but not the voice. Your memories of pre-existence were erased from your mind. To save you from thinking about what you lost. But the memories found you and drove you mad. You see the lightning . You feel the rain...the angels are crying because of their doubt. Indeed the heavens are watching the end of it all. .You sail the seas and you ride the waves looking for the eye.of the storm ..looking for something that is inside of you. The eye of the storm is a metaphor can't you see?. You long for existence of God's holy light. You charge without thinking you know that your right.You march into battle to win the fight My child your destiny is straight ahead ....stay the course !
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