cluster fuk...

sometimes i will wake up and walk into another room of the house and it appears that i am not at home. but i am and i try not to panic as i look around for something familiar and my eyes are always drawn to the pictures of my family scattered across the walls. and it is the weirdest thing but even they seem altered just a little. they are who they are suppose to be which is family but still they are strangers perhaps in the mortal sense of whatever game life is playing with our destiny. the faces still calm me as they look down on me in the darkness and i know that is my sister or daughter vaguely i suppose...i never remember my dreams so it is rather ironic that my online name is miwokdreamer hahaha. i am not spooked at the time but curious as to what the fuk is going on.. i often have stated to my ex that it is like we were in love in a previous existence-in different bodies and only our hearts remember. cause wow the mental warfare we would put each other thru was ruthless. i mean pure malice and i don't want to say there was hate between us but we could clear a room faster than a bomb scare and the strange thing is when we were drenched in mortal combat it would go on forever and ever and when we were both spent and exhausted and i would crawl into our bed finally exhausted as soon as he would reach out and hold me and our hearts were next to each other WE WOULD HAVE THIS UNSPOKEN PEACE. we never resolved anything there was no apologies and indeed me always holding a grudge it would usually start over again once we got out of bed. is that weird like maybe our hearts had a connect in a previous life. who knows i am grown up enough not to question it anymore. i don't hate him but i will never return to the misery we created when we were together. i don't have time to blame anything on me or him or whatever i want to live now while there is still time. maybe edgar cayce is right and we reincarnate in groups from the same family. like your nanny is your grandaughter or a father is born as a little brother you tries to order you around. our maybe families are forever. i must finish my first sookie stackhouse book-dead after dark. i started it this morning and since then i have been in and out of my room to check my email briefly or play carnival shoot out but i am almost finished with it and then maybe i will find the time to brush my hair this day or put on a bra or take off my pajama bottoms hehe