good lord..

things i am good at are being unreasonable, holding a grudge, avoiding the truth, living a lie, not believing in myself, expecting more than i got, doing the best i can, loving with my whole heart, and getting lost. i once believed that if you were a good person and raised your children right and worked hard without complaining and tried not to lie or steal or cheat that GOD would make sure that things would work out for you in the end., like having to take time off from work cause your kids are sick then not being able to pay the rent in full and hoping that the odd job would show up in your face before the landlord was knocking on your door wanting sex for what you owe. that when you are a single parent and you have to work and be gone all the time that your children will understand and not become strangers like mine have. i still have love for my GOD. i still have faith in his plan even though i may not know where it is i fit in. one thing about being an addict is once you start using to ease the pain that you never really go anywhere because the feel good you get from drugs starts to feel better  than the feel good life can give you. i was in the worst relationship of my life. no details at this time only that it was verbal and physical abuse and of course i loved the man so i stayed and i started to use because of it.  only thing was once i was out of that abuse and on my own i would put myself back into the same kind of relationship that i swore i would never be in again just so i had an excuse to run back into the arms of being high.  people say that i am a bad person because i have used drugs but i say to you that is completely the opposite. my god never left me. he waited for me. he knew i was worth it. and because of this i now believe it ...