shadow

These past couple of months i think i have been having strange dreams...not nightmares at least i don't think. I have never remembered my dreams . Of course daydreams and wet dreams are more of the wishful thinking kind. The wind was blowing soo hard last night as if to awaken me so i could become aware of what and where i was. But i drifted back under. I love sleep it embraces me tight and everything fades back into the book of life that is me and the great father puts me back up on the shelf for as long as he can. Knowing nothing for certain except my story is far from over. Life or reality is it real or make-believe? You know what the voice inside my chest says ? Are we the ghostshadow or the shell that hides the answer. Is it the question that never changes or the answer? I don't know anybody that is alive more than i know myself and i don't know who i really am at all and that scares me. Life is the cancer not death . All our senses and free will and we follow our heart right ? Yep we follow our heart straight to the grave. I feel the invisibility of my mother's love as the wind moves through my hair. I hear my mother's voice in the morning in the birds joyous song. I feel my fathers eyes upon me and i falter because i am soo weak and not strong. How can i feel my mother's presence strengthen me and fear his love at the same time? Because i am not where i am suppose to be or so i thought but now i know i am right on time. I believe in the spirit and i believe in the soul. I just don't know. There are so many voices saying this is what is right..and this is what it wrong. This religion of churches push me down and make me question what i know. Like i am stupid to even think about what they say or want. I know better but sometimes i feel the need to belong. But I have to pay my tithing and i am behind for all my life so now i am unclean and can't step anywhere near a temple when my parents are sealed for time and eternity. I thought God was about goodness and help and spiritual growth for all. I feel that bitter bile at the back of my throat and want to jump up and yell at them all. For every dollar i would pay to the church would you pay for that with your precious time? Because i would .Time is what we need to give not money when you don't have any to give. And I have always got time to help a stranger or even the ones i know. But what am i talking about only those who are good ..seem to know. We fear change as much as we want change. it is a circle it reminds me of a cat chasing her tail or a round- a bout right in the middle of town....that makes you want to start burning rubber- as you spin around.