counting coup...

Knowing what I want and where to find it are worlds apart in the global sense. How come I need the sunshine kissing my flesh with it's warmth of life to soothe the fear inside of me ? When all i crave is the darkness of my room? If there really is an invisible line drawn in the earth separating good from evil than I am fucked. My feet are in both worlds and having a foot on both sides is solid ground for me. Only when I am gliding in the water like a bird in the sky am I really free. It is like I am safe in the womb. I have said most of my life that the light at the end of the tunnel is the delivery room. I refuse to be lost until I am found. I can't do it....because it don't look good on me. If there is one way not to be depressed it is to reflect on the little things like the um trying to think hard here..Anyway the moral thing to do in any relationship is if you don't really love someone the correct thing to do is to set them free and maybe someone else will be able to love them the way they need to be loved right ? I have been on both sides of that. But I am lucky that even though i have an ex-husband or two that I just could not give all of myself away. Maybe that was on me but i know that i have not had the love of my life. Notice I said have not had. I did not say have not met. He has kids and she has kids and they have kids together..life passes through so many of us quickly and it reminds me of a game called hot potato we use to play when i was in elementary. Yes i have kissed many frogs and toads but not open mouth :)It is not that i fear being alone i just get frustrated going thru the motions of the aftermath of the letdown after the attraction you know what i mean kris? It is like when you first meet someone you want to spend days and nights with ...to fall in love with that once you come together as a couple that is the strongest you will be and the rest of your relationship is falling out of love. Just how it goes boys and girls at least for me. So I promise myself that i will not be taking applications for fuck toys anymore cause i am better than that. By the way there is more important things than sex ...like sleep.