the price...

I was trying not to immerse myself in hot water...but dammit sometimes i try not to understand where it is i fit in with my mom. I know the love she should have for me is not there no matter how i try to change that. I cannot blame anyone but myself for throwing my hands up in the air and returning back to where i have been after spending time not mattering at all. At least my ex has contempt for me. Why is it that everytime i run home i start to suffocate from the lack of oxygen? I run i always do cause it hurts so bad and i should have known better ever to return ..i should have known. when i lost my food card i had to ask my mom honestly... am i allowed to be here if you don't have my food card? cause i really didn't think so. I list auctions for my mother and she has made thousands, but it is her things not mine and i cannot be greedy or expect anything because i live here free right? there is a hundred going on right now and for each one that is twenty minutes downloading pictures describing the item and doing the measurements and of course taking the pictures and when i first came back i asked mom if i went to church with her i would need a skirt or dress or something. anything would do i had a plain black skirt that was her in my hand i had picked from the closet in the room i stay in. she took it out of my hands like i had mud all over me and rolled her eyes and shook her head like what was i seriously thinking and then got mad at me because she had to waste her time finding me something suitable to wear out of hundreds of outfits. i waited with a sinking heart with my head down telling myself that the skirt must have been sentimental to her or something. I am now 45 years old and she came back and gave me a skirt that i use to wear when i was in high school that she made herself. it was ugly and didn't fit i know cause i went to try it on in the bathroom so she could not see the tears dropping on the floor. anything i touch in her eyes is foul and not worthy of her interest any longer. We go to the second look bookstore and i know better than to ask my mom for anything ever.. and i am lost in history and i am jolted by the fact that the rise of theodore roosevelt is in stock. it took me forever to read that book all those years back it was even fatter than shogun but i pull it down cause it is familiar and i feel so out of place constantly. i open it and blam ..kris bell aka miwokdreamer is written on the inside cover like i do with all my hardbacks and i get so mad i cannot bring it up i keep looking and found 6 more of my hardbooks there. My precious books she promised me i could store in the shed are not where i thought they were why..because nothing about me matters enough to keep her word.i bring it up later and it is like oh kris i just didn't have enough room and i forgot to tell you.no sorry or nothing. I do so around the house just as much as she does if not more and she takes one hundred dollars out of each paycheck which is fine also to help pay for the rent. Only thing is now she is a month behind and she acts like it is my fault i don't know what is going on. if i want something that hasn't sold the 3 or 4 times we listed it i have to pay cash for it. I just don't feel good about myself. If i have a friend call or say i am going to go to the movies she tells me ...oh no kris that is not a good idea and end of story. i am ready to smile again instead of feel like i am taking advangtage of her all the time i don't know why she has never cherished me like she does my sisters or my daughters but i really do i just needed her to help me figure it out- THAT I AM A PIECE OF SHIT AND I AM NOT WORTH THE AIR I BREATHE. gotta go back and get the floors steamed cleaned and everything ready for the inspection tomorrow since the house sold and she is busy. sometimes i want to scream to the heavens what did i do to deserve this ? but i know the answer-I WAS BORN