open door policy..

this morning as i was having breakfast with my mom and aunt i looked up at the right time into her eyes. cap's sister was walking by with a couple friends. we both stopped and stared, then i stood up and held out my arms and she rushed me lol !! she gushed how good i looked and i asked if their mom was still living and held my breath. yes she misses you badly, please please stop by and visit kris she would love it. then her wheelchair arrived after she hugged me and introduced me to her friends twice.  i thought she was playing as she sat down and said ..take me to the latte stand. as we finished up breakfast and i could not decide how i felt about our random encounter.i left suddenly without saying goodbye and even though it wasn't that surprising when it did happen ..i still wanted to tell the ole lady thanks for believing in me while cap was locked up for close to a year. she took me in and i will never ever forget it. especially cause no one else would. i was able to find a job once i got settled in and be part of a family that had strong ties to church. i learned alot from his mom about everything it was simply amazing !! but once he was out we slipped back to where we shouldn't have gone. you know it is easy to walk down the wrong road, especially if you know it well. it is harder to be strong and do the right thing. way harder if you know no one is paying attention to your struggle. i tasted guilt at the back of my throat when i looked her in the eye and told her to give her mom my love. then she was gone. it is only now looking back at the whole thing that i believe some more dead weight has lifted off my heart. jenny was solid solid solid and she saw how consumed i was by what i was doing. the thing about jenny is once she cares about you is she never gives up on you. she would never shut me out or insult me but she would corner me on thanksgiving in the kitchen and tell me ...what are you doing to yourself lady? you don't look like the kris i know. i would always be ashamed enough that i could not look her in the eyes and she would pat my arm and say it's my brother, you need to get away from him. yeah k hehe. i saw the hope she had for me to live my life straight and clean. i wanted to give it to her but i just wasn't ready to give it up. besides i only saw her on rare occasions. i watched her take care of the man shge loved while he battled cancer and lost.  i started to avoid her after bert had died cause i didn't know what to say or do to address the grief she was going thru- it scared me.. she  actually got to see me how i should  be and she was proud of me ! i didn't realize how far i have actually come.
here comes the second part of this whole story ..while we were waiting for valet to deliver our suv out the big glass door walks jenny with her two friends in tow. and even though i wanted to walk the other way i stayed where i was knowing if our conversation was meant to continue it would be up to her.. she walked over and was just like damn you look so good kris. stand up and turn around -wow ! we were standing inches apart and she lowered her voice and asked me if i knew. knew what? i looked her straight in the eyes and she told me they found a spot in her lung and that was awhile back and she just couldn't believe it soo soon after watching her husband battle cancer. i couldn't speak i asked her if she was okay. she looked at me with those blue eyes of hers and tilted her chin up and said the doctor said there is nothing left they can do and so i am enjoying myself as much as i can before it is time for me to go. my whole concentration was on her words but my eyes were stuck on her eyes. i cleared my throat ..and she shrugged her shoulders and said well i am getting older it was bound to happen. then it happened my eyes started to water and tears dropped started to drop out of my eyes and my nose started to run. she wrapped her arms around me and held the back of my hair and said ..don't cry kris shhh don't cry.