-a voice is a vice is a voice for you

well it seems my phone just keeps surprising me everytime it rings. Since when has everyone been concerned with my happiness? How many voices are there for my brain to figure out after the first hello. It is like "Kris is this you" and my thoughts are like who the fuck is this. And just as soon as my silence greets the voice with no face
I hear things like "this is Possom" or "it's Cap" or "this is your best friend calling cause I miss you so bad". It is weird cause this is home now. It makes me uncomfortable to try and answer all the questions they are firing off at me. I don't want to share this pocket of peace I have found in the ice and snow. I also don't know how long it is
going to last before it begins to lose its shape and like snow through the hourglass so are the days of our life.
I am not going to start dating any of my exes and that includes longtime exes like Possom. How the heck did he get my number that has not changed in twenty years and has been the same since we were together and apart. Mmmhhhh I bet our daughter gave it to him and why did we talk for almost two hours? Oh my God !! I think the adults are maturing. And why is he clean and sober? I thought if you were in a motorcycle club and a one percenter using drugs was required.
My feet are getting ready to do a jig, my step is light and my heart is free. I hear something....what may you ask? Concentrate Kris, don't let the pied piper (not meth-related) lead you away from your life!
It is the most contagious tune indeed..A Song of such beauty and beat. It is trying to find a way inside my head. I don't have enough hands to plug up all the holes in my head..no oh wait-yes there it is.
My hand is contaminated with something and my fingers are starting to snap.. I have to dance. Not the cotton-eyed Joe. The other one that is forbidden at my age-the strip tease. All the way into the bathroom so I can jump in the shower and start my day.

The little body I held..

The little body I held, had more strength inside of it than a titanium wall. The little voice I heard was more powerful than the crowds cheering at the Superbowl. The little foot I kissed was more alive than the tracks that followed me. The little noises he made while suckling did more than quench his thirst, it fed me. The way my daughter looked so lovingly at what I held in my arms moved me into another realm of acceptance. I will believe again. Not just in him but in myself. I lost something the first moment i saw him, when i set my baggage down. When I was coaching her ...yelling at her to push. The salt of my tears did something with the heaviness I had been carrying for so long. It dried up and evaporated into the air and was gone. And you know what? Under all that weight there was me . I will never give up . I will always always be here in case you will ever need me little one. You saved me by being born.

May 06, 2005

There are some things left better alone right? I was looking through some of my old journal entries ..in particular my shadow entries. This was a time I was in the throes of meth-related delirium. I don't know why I used so long all i know is i will never use again. But there use to be something in the shadows whispering in my ear..Anyway i don't know if I am more ashamed of the automatic writing or the thought that I was writing something good..How can addiction which is BAD< BAD < BAD spit out the taste of anything pure? IT CANNOT!!! And this is the twisted part-the longer i stayed up the easier it was to merge with the shadow people. I truly believed they were my friends -Emily, Elizabeth and Jeho...cannot say that one.
Anyway there are two different entries I don't know why I am doing this ..The first one goes..
If mankind cannot fulfill his destiny, all shall be lost. A great dishonor will be the only distinction of a wasted existence. For it was once believed redemption would be the only outcome-in many a mortal endeavor. You are not forgotten..Your struggle and hardships are what you demanded from the Father. He is not the one punishing you .AND THE SECOND MORE SERIOUSLY TWISTED
... Do not be fooled by reality. It does not really exist at anywhere or at anytime.
It is nothing more than the playing field. Nothing but the odds, the numbers which trigger the outcome. Like the days and years, even the hairs on your head..how many breaths you will exhale, how many lives you will ruin. Even the number of children you will bring to the team . It is the simplicity that complicates the game. Nothing
you have been given to ease your plight of mortality means anything. you are nothing but a fleeting thought..You are still an animal and shame the master dutifully. You are like a dog nobody wants, left outside. And only fed to shut you up. It is your
thoughts that rise up and shatter the quiet of the heavens like glass shattering our window of earth, "our view of you".
I am the voice of many who long to put you out of your misery. To end the suffering that stirs the heavens. Your stench of fecal decay overpowers the fragrant sense of
the garden that we tend. You are a weed, nothing more.
Nobody knows how long ago the almighty father turned to us and wished for something, after he wished for you. We are his longing for you. So powerful the thoughts of his universal mind-that gave birth to our enlightened state of consciousness. We must co-exist together because we are related by the same thought. We fit together only
on different planes of the same playing field. We are not cheerleaders chanting go go go with our arms in the air, cause you are losing the game. The only game that matters you are throwing it away. I can tell you about a destiny that is yours..

the banks of the asphalt river

I promised you a wave that was all you were getting. From across the street, that would be our asphalt river neither would cross. I cannot remember what you were saying as you lit my cigarette. i only knew that my mind was screaming louder than the crowds at the super bowl ...COYOTE

on the rez

The road past the cda casino-plummer and tensed are not lighted and dangerous if you
panic. It is the other vehicles that endanger everyone, the logging trucks speed like demons down death's highway. But I have always felt the two hour trip was a rechargeable battery that kept part of my soul working. Only for some reason I was not
plugged in correctly or maybe I was and didn't realize it. I kept sensing one of those deer that i saw earlier getting ready to leap out into my path and it was fucking with me bad. Earlier during daylight hours heading towards spokane I must have counted four or five feeding close to the road. My eyes focused on distant shadows in the dark and I cringed everytime the wind blew on whatever the shadow was apart of. I almost became frightened of my imagination but then I cleared my throat and wiped off part of the front windshield and dialed the radio in and turned the volume up up up -METAL. Yes HEAVY METAL would work it would be my carriage of choice. I did not want to hit a deer and I didn't want to stop driving. I only wanted to get my tired self home so I could pee

monthly lowdown (3/30/05)

jesus loves me this i know...
I found jesus hiding behind a box of tampax in the back of the cabinet.
And I reacted in my normal demented deviant way and threw the box in the trash.
After making sure each cotton-tailed sinner stick was accounted for and ready for duty.

tick, tick tick.....TICK

I thought about the title for a little while and decided let it be the timebomb
fixing to blow apart my boredom. I use to live in bum fuck arkansas with my most
favorite person in the whole world. And that was my nanny...my mothers mom. I lived
with her my freshman and my senior year cause with my dad in the navy I did not
want to have to be in two different schools each of those years. Yes I have alot
of first days tucked away in some thrown out photo album. I hate first days . I
pass on that ..and like I told my mom I would rather live in Arkansas than start
school there with only two months left. Next thing you know I am putting real
wood from a tree in a woodburning cast iron stove. And feeding chickens and yes
running from the devil himself. That stupid rooster was fucking mean.
Okay I was trying not to remember those were the best days of my life, except for
the chiggers and some of the chores. On those humid twilight evenings when pa and
ma are just swinging on there porch swing with all the windows open so they can hear
hee haw and all of a sudden here comes sweet little young city girl around the corner with that look on her face. That look of pure boredom and she asks what there is to do. Yes she has already milked the goat but daisy May knocked the bucket over and yes she gathered the eggs but dropped them all when that stupid rooster came after her.
And kris the dear sweet child has this look on her face like she wants blood, well
grandma is going to give her a cure.Yep dear sweet ole grandma-she calls heidi the weiner dog outside and hands me a hammer it was only then that I realized how much i want my mommy. MOMMY!! I want closure on those dark nights and i want the
nightmares to quit. I get one every so often and it just freaks the shit out of me
cause of the things she made me do ..and let me just state in her defense that this
was something that use to be done on the farm after i started my therapy. It is only
for the strong of heart. Dig the biggest juiciest plumpest ticks out of the dogs ear
and squash them with a hammer before they find another warm invite. Like the one I discovered while taking a shower that very same night.The one that had burrowed in my belly button. It was my screams of insanity that brought her into my biggest nightmare. And it is because of her simple white lie that a part of me is ruined. She told me not to worry that she had it... that it was off. She quit paying attention to that evil bug, in an attempt to calm me down. And that mighty tick warrior jumped free and ran back up my flesh to re-attatch itself to my scalp and she started giggling so hard at my get that thing off my skin dance that had I not been naked I would have ran outside and been lost forever.