is there mayo on that ?

since i have started work at arby's i have come home everyday frustrated and oh soo pissy. one day they train me in a certain section the next day they are too busy to stick to that training scedule so i have big holes in where i can work comfortably. i have missed the training on backline totally and that seems to be where it all needed to start. i know breads and slice meat but backline is what goes on the sandwiches. on drive thru if i am asked what goes on that . . ? i am at a loss. anyway to make a long story short my boss took me aside after my shift today and told me um i am gonna have to let you go i just assumed you would be able to grasp everything ! i did not cry and i did not get mad. in a way i am flooded with relief until i see my ma waiting for me outside. she took it pretty well. i did start to cry a little when i told her but hey she told me i know you didn't like working for arby's and maybe things happen for a reason. WHAT ?!

knife, fork or spoon ?

the days i work i am off by 2pm and am back in bed by 3:15 for the night. that is all i do now lay in bed and cry myself to sleep. nothing is happening and the world is the same. why try to change it or who i am ? it is soo much easier just to hide in the dark and let the melancholy spoon me

forever gone . .

I have become consumed by a hunger and instead of turning up at a food bank to get my fill of what they are offering. I need to be self sufficient and able to take care of myself. i hate relying on strangers. i don't trust anybody. I put on my detective and stepped out the door to see if i could solve something on my own.

 Jesus has left the building a long long time ago. nobody has seen hide or hair of him anywhere !
he is not answering my phone calls-goes straight to voice mail. SHIT
i have become hunter . .stalker of these woods
earth is our mother
 he is her sun
maybe she is protecting him
from the blood that he lost
sheltering his existence
divine is his "cost"
so i keep on searching anywhere he's been
but i get this feeling no one seems to care
so they send me anywhere
cause they don't have the time
just some stories in a book
by matthew, mark, luke and john
I search for you in the shadows
believing somehow you are there
watching me suffer to see how long i'll last ?
thing is the more i seek
 the more i know the world ain't right
i quit asking questions
 to the pharisees
\that are everywhere
pointing which way to go
the light of the living burns my flesh
like an atomic flame
 corrupting my "core" with radioactive misery.
life is now the sickness
death is the cure
call me dr kervorkian
tell him where i'm at
i am the whore of peace
over
over
  out

mermaid . .

winter just seems to suffocate me with it's isolation. it's like the snow holds the ice cold silence in place. i close my eyes and dream of warm days held captive in the cool water of spring valley reservoir. i am with my daughter erica and a few of her friends. our laughter echoes like a bouncy ball dancing across the lake. it started out just a group of chatty gals with our toes in the sparkling water, but something about the solitude of our destination and the fact that the world revolves around us has led to the demise of a few of our outer garments. in the backwoods of idaho it is somehow okay to sit in a padded bra that looks like a bikini top if you do it in a group lol. it was not my intention to go swimming that day, but due to the fact i had boxer shorts on under my jeans i um somehow ended up completely immersed  in the weightlessness of that day. i let myself be pulled out to the middle of the lake where the quiet is and i looked up into the bluest sky. i could not remember if i was looking up or looking down at the cool blue water from above. i tried to focus and instantly my eyes were trapped on two ospreys gliding above me. i sighed with pleasure and water burned up my nose. i felt myself go under and when i came up the girls were headed my way ! i hollered at them Look at the osprey-they are MINE before going under. all of us got lost in the moment hooting and laughing and practically drowning each time one of us would show off. nothing mattered but my dominance and you know what ? we had turned into mermaids and did not even realize it ! until a boat full of fishermen pulled up along side us and i was soo shocked cause we had not noticed them at all . i immediately cleared my throat and said . .  wow bet we scared off all the fish huh ? i promised them we would keep the racket down and the cutest one said to me . .  fuk the fish lady i wanna know how to catch you !

Brother David.

while i was in the victory outreach discipleship home there was no contact with anyone from the outside world, except maybe a few sisters from our church. but there was absolutely no contact of any kind with any members of the male sex. that meant greetings or eye contact or discipline ensued. it was complete immersion or saturation in the "word" with no distractions. it was completely all consuming at times and not in a good way. so it was only natural that me and my sisters would each pick a guy that was our pretend boyfriend. they picked mine for me but in my mind i was way ahead of them. brother david was a little bit older than me without being ancient, and of course he was single with a daughter. for some reason i am unable to explain i managed to fall head over heels in love with this man. he was the second thing i would think about every morning. i started to let the girls do my hair and tackle my make-up just so i could catch his eye. yep to catch his eye when our director or the elders of the church weren't looking was virtually impossible. we were seperated from society and had to walk in a single file line and stay together at all times. there was no casual this or random trips to the bathroom. one night we were at church and it looked like he was sitting with a female i had never seen before. i felt my eyes water and big old crocodile tears start to fall down my cheeks. i was heartbroken and quit making eye contact with him. i told myself that my sisters were just trying to keep me on my toes and happy. it wasn't 3 weeks later that we were staffing a kids fest event that i was doing the darts for a balloon game when i looked up and he was just standing there smiling at me ! he asked me if i wanted him to buy the women in the women's home tacos or snowcones ? i told him we were on discipline and were not allowed sugar or sweets in my most christian sultry voice. my life became somehow changed that second of that day with all those little kids throwing darts. i remember feeling the joy so strongly as i looked back at his face. it was like i found my saviour again. my days meant something and were full of sunshine just because of him. that was the only conversation we ever had but we use to stare at each other. i know that sounds pitiful at my age but it was all i had. at the end of sunday service pastor asked brother david up front so everyone could pray for him. i assumed for health reasons. it took me a couple weeks just to find out what was wrong with him without directly asking . . .why did pastor have the mexican guy come up front so everyone could pray ? i had my answer -he needed a liver transplant ! i began to pray for him morning noon and night with my arms lifted up in the air so focused on his well being. it gave me something to do besides cry. i left the program suddenly not long after. without ever seeing him again. but i see him in my dreams. i walk to places here in moscow idaho in the hopes i will just pass him in the crowd.  i don't even know his last name but i know how his eyes crinkle when he smiles.

service dog. .

i once believed if you were a "good" person that no matter how bad things might get or tough in life-that God would make sure things worked out. that you would barely scrape by. now i fear nothing because i have nothing. nothing matters but the darkness. the black of night spoons me like a lover and i like it. it doesn't try to change me or trick me with fake words. i like being cold. i hate my job. i hate my life. i hate the sunlight. i hate the busy faces that walk by me with their heads turned at some odd angle as they talk on their cell phone. i hate conversation. it is all a lie. i don't need you to need me. i don't need me to want you to. go back inside and shut the door. my life is not for living anymore. my dreams rise up and grab ahold my wrist and pull me in my room. i follow with an open heart that screams hurry hurry hurry or you will be left behind. i don't know what is going on with me. i am not depressed in that since. i am just done. there is a creature that waits for me to close my eyes. he is like a seeing eye-dog that pulls me around in the netherworld. i have heard him growl in the darkness many times. but he has never left my side. he whimpers when i start to succumb to my sorrow which has turned into a cancer that i cannot control. he licks the tears off my face before they fall. together we search for something or someone before my alarm clock starts to buzz at 7:48am. Sometimes at work when i take a deep breath i feel like i am being sucked into a spinning abyss inside myself. i became aware of my spirit lying under a tree with my friend sitting by my head while i slept. too bad we can't speak the same language. why am i crying, if you don't care ? nothing is changing but my sorrow has been growing into a fragrant seed of a woman's wrath.

zzzzzzzzzzzz

cassidy is back in spokane and i am without my little snugglebug sigh. . just got home not too long ago and decided you know what if you don't like the job you are at kris don't bitch about just start putting in other applications. i know dark haired blond lol. so i went to yahoo and set up a monster account and did all that time consuming crap. an hour later my resume has 3 sections done and i am more frustrated than i was before i started. maybe i should give it up and grab ahold a good man and love him and kiss him and torment him ahhhhhhhh. bedtime kris right now !!!

app. .

i am not feeling soo good. i can only shake my head in wonder at how the job i have now is the reason i am soo miserable. i am a navy brat and have alot of first days tucked in my back pocket. it just amazes me how chics are towards me even though they know nothing about me. i clock in and before i clock out i am almost in tears everyday. i just want to do my job and go home like everyone else. i know this frustration is starting a chain reaction inside of me. i feel power in my hands waiting for a spark of anger to ignite into rage as i walk home and remember how they go out of there way to make me feel out of place. man there is always something wrong with me. i have to fix this. it is soo not healthy for me. i know not to give up. turn in applications and keep trying to better the enviroment i am in.

things that are wrong with me #321

my mother keeps on and on always on me about everything geez now it is about my hair !! every time my hair is not in a ponytail she starts to shudder and tells me that i need to get my hair chopped off that it just makes me look homeless and white trashy. then she tells me i am not trying to hurt your feelings or anything ! and in my head i think yeah right i am way passed hurt feelings i am at pissed.

fingernail polish. .

Maybe the whole trick to life is knowing what you aren't....

press in . .

i  hear a voice whisper. .  press in kris. flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; and the perishable cannot inherit what lasts for ever. if the sting of death is sin then i know it is only a matter of time before death comes for what i took.

exhaling. .

today is not a good day. i cannot quit crying. i feel bitter and irritated beyond reason. ever since i left the chapel and walked in the door here it feels like something is up. i want to lay down but my mom says i need to do four more listings on ebay i am going to snap. why ? i try to rationalize where i am now but i get lost in the debris. gimme a spoon and a hit of dope and i will be okay for a few hours is not my motto anymore.i cry soo many tears it is a wonder i am not dehydrated. i find any excuse to escape to my room just so i can shut the door and turn off the light and lay there with nothing but this empty feeling to keep me comfortable. that blah frustrated disappointment that just thrives in my hard drive. i did this to myself. i wanted it this way. i cannot remember a time when the world was home. i want to go home. why do you have to die first to get there?

chocolate fondue . .

time is against me or so it seems.
 bittersweet dark chocolate
 that melts in your hand and not in your mouth.
 dark like blood only thicker

i have become soo melancholy that it is starting to freak me out. i am in a weird place with my emotional baggage stuffed in a suitcase that is old and worn. i don't know what is zipped up only that it wouldn't close. i had to sit on the damn thing to get it shut. i have got to stop this musing. i don't want him anymore. why can't i stop tormenting myself with this longing for him. i don't understand why i can't seem to move on. i am crying and fine all in the same breath. i am winning and losing myself before the race even starts or finishes. i don't know if i am too warm or too cold. i must stop putting him on and taking him off like a sweater. i am always uncomfortable. i hate it. all i know is there is a change in the weather and the seasons are changing in my life. i must accept that. i already have cabin fever and feel delusional when it comes to where i have been or where i am going. maybe it is time for me to start dating ? it has been 2 years now single.  Or maybe i just need a new pair of boots ?

thunder

i feel power in my hands waiting for a spark of anger to ignite into rage.

The Three Nephites Story by Kevin Kraut - LDS / Mormon Truth

3 Nephi 28

A little light on love . .

Corin 13: 4-7
  love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and is not resentful. love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.

Corin 6: 18-20

 keep away from fornication. all the other sins are committed outside the body; but to fornicate is to sin against your own body. your body, you know, is the temple of the holy spirit, who is in you since you received him from God. you are not your own property; you have been bought and paid for. that is why you should use your body for the glory of God.

gimme back my bullets . .

Once upon a time in a far off cave. In a cavern found in my mind there is a fire burning. It is surrounded by rocks which we will call time. The fire does not warm anything. It only suggests that something is missing. Do I need to look closely at what is illuminated by the light of the fire or at the fire itself ? Or is it a marker that is leading me to a cold dark forgotten place inside of me ? So many times I let the chaos of the world chase me back into the dark tunnels of addiction. I love the solace of solitary confinement.Sometimes it is the melancholy of life that plays my favorite song. Now that journey has ended and i stand in the dark. I can hear water dripping and the fire makes no sound. Lord what i am wondering is this from you ? I ache to hold my hands over the fire and feel the warmth chase off the cold. But the battle scarred and weary soldier inside of me ...warns-it's a trap

Bring It On (1/10) Movie CLIP - We Are Cheerleaders! (2000) HD

my friend use to do the best impression of this cheer whenever i was in a black mood

lingering doubt. .

i am walking on the edge of two different realities one is alive and vibrant with color and the other is dead and brittle. my one foot cannot help but make noise as the weight of my step crushes it into dust. It is like the noise a person makes walking thru dead leaves. there is no wind or blue sky. all is gray and still. there is no noise except for the sound i make as i move thru the void. how can it be ? two different dimensions under one step. i am not afraid because i am searching for something that must be coaxed into returning to where it came from. i must not force it to surrender or trick it into believing how much it's decision will matter. My mind is working faster than my eyes can focus on anything that is out of the ordinary. An echo reverberates across the open sky of both worlds like a boomerang. It is a doorway home. i cannot let it land anywhere but in my hand. Nothing must be disturbed. Only the dead watch with weary eyes. I cannot comfort them or stop to ask them if I am dead too.

wings. .

there are moments in my life that are surrounded by a stretch of complete silence as i look on. like an angel blowing on a holy trumpet that only i can hear. an angel blowing silence ? i know it sounds strange but it is not. i am use to chaos and the polluted emotions of those around me. it is the silence that i need to listen for. nothing matters but my relationship with my creator. i am at a loss to describe the details of where it is i stand in relation to him. For he has delivered me from the battlefield. And like any soldier i miss the battle. I know who i fight against now. I know who I serve. All other details are lost in the translation.