are we in kansas anymore ?

 

 

 

 

  

 After we arrived home last night mom announced that we were going to the fast and testament service in Troy idaho instead of moscow. My heart sank. While i was at the discipleship home i saw myself giving my testimony and i have been trying to get my thoughts together about the best and shortest way to explain my journey. The Moscow ward is home and i felt what a perfect time to introduce myself. I refuse to hide behind the shame of being an addict. This morning we were up early  and we drove out to the boondocks where i use to live-briefly. The parking lot was full of people and cars and when we walked inside all i saw was faces looking back at us as we tried to find a seat. The people were very nice and cordial. It had been ten years since my mom moved from troy.  All at once people began to jump out of their seats and rush to hug her. The sacrament was passed and every head was bowed in prayer when I felt a  great calm overtake me. I found myself walking up to the pulpit as if in a dream. The first words out of my mouth ..."I love the smell of faith in the morning." I quickly and calmly introduced myself, explaining it had been 30 years since i had a testimony to bear. You could hear a pin drop. Then I began to speak from my heart. i spoke the truth and i kept it PG13 hehe. My final words which I  vaguely remember were. . if God can save someone like me I know he can save anyone. As I slowly walked back to my seat arms reached out to touch me as i passed by.  Every person that spoke after me brought my testimony up. I realized that me speaking of addiction was a reality that affects someone in every community. I wasn't concerned about the shame or embarassing my mother in the eyes of the church. I was up there to edify the Lord. After church I was hugged by every member. Every brother shook my hand. Tears fell from the eyes of mothers who testified to me that they had children that were lost in addiction and alcoholism and that because of my testimony they had hope.  i am humbled how much my life and struggles have empowered me with Jesus Christ as my Saviour. Here is the kicker-which I did not realize until me and mom were headed back to town. The last time I was in the Troy church up close to the alter was when my dad lay in his coffin .

In Jesus' Name: Taking Up Serpents

Ephesians 6:10-17 (Paul speaking)

 Finally, grow strong in the Lord, with the strength of his power. Put God's armour on so as to be able to resist the devil's tactics. For it is not against human enemies that we have to struggle but against the Sovereignties and the Powers who originate the darkness in this world, the spiritual army of evil in the heavens. That is why you must rely on God's armour, or you will not be able to put up any resistance when the worst happens, or have enough resources to hold your ground.
 So stand your ground, with TRUTH buckled round your waist and INTEGRITY for a breastplate, wearing for shoes on your feet the eagerness to spread the GOSPEL OF PEACE and always carrying the shield of FAITH so that you can use it to put out the burning arrows of the evil one. Ane then you must accept SALVATION from God to be your helmet and receive the word of God from the Spirit to use as a sword.

The day I lost you...

The day I lost you
 i lost my grace
 i lost myself
 i lost my face
 i lost my spot
 i lost my place
 i lost my coat
 i lost my way
 i lost my god
 i lost my step
 i lost the night
  and i lost the day

inspired by mr davis

oracle of lunacy

ORACLE OF LUNACY
Lunacy. .luna. .lunar-moon
Oracle. ora(aura). orb
Lunacy-Intermittent mental derangement, insanity
Oracle: A divine prophecy often in the form of an enigmatic statement or allergory, as a medium for prophecies from a deity.

The lunacy of forgotten times wets my lips with their rhyme
the buttons on my shirt..each one an oracle-round and square
holds the riddle if you dare.
Ask me the question ? look to the moon
Death is coming for what you took

erica and katie . .

i close my eyes and  see a few rays of sunlight racing up my wall. my two daughters erica and katie are young and soo precious. so full of life and adoration. they are both trying to climb up on my lap cause they just got to have my arms around their little bodies. the sound of their laughter is contagious. I start to tickle katie to give erica time to regain her lead. the winner gets my kisses up and down her neck.  the joy at this memory is alive in my heart.  i can live in that memory for the rest of my life.

here fishy fish. .

I do believe i have serious brain damage due to the fact that i feel compelled to feed my on-line fish here on the top of this blog site. I know they are computer animated and all. But it disturbs me to think that they could be hungry hehe. Been a very busy girl. Last night woke up from a dead sleep and sat straight up in bed looked over at the clock which read 6:42pm. I jumped out of bed without brushing my hair or anything and marched myself over to the nu art theater in the hope that they still had their free friday night movie thing going on that i use to go to last year. The last time i went i did walk out after ten minutes cause who wants to sit through the west side story yuck. i remember my mother was like that is one of the best movies ha ! Anyway it was packed so i immediately went to the balconey and found a front row seat among all the children. the kids were everywhere ! It suddenly went dark and the movie was the avengers. the new avengers. I loved the hulk just as much as the little boys jumping for joy everytime he smashed someone.
 this morning me and mom picked up linda and headed to pullman to the matinee showing of dredd. it was 3D and i thought it was stupid. after the movie i helped mom carry up all the bags from wal-mart and walked to the chapel to pray. to pray to pray. everyday i start aching in my heart the longer i am away from the church. I use to go to st mary's when i was just starting kindergarten thru first grade. because st mary's school was where i was enrolled. so naturally i was drawn inside. i am not catholic. relegion will never get in the way of the love i have for God. My relegion is God. The chapel is lined with pews and there is stain glass windows depicting scenes from the life of jesus. where the sunlight shines through the day comes alive inside. I am always the only one inside. It is soo quiet there. I always step in the sanctuary and let my eyes adjust to the light and i walk upto the alter and fall on my knees right under the feet of jesus christ and i thank him for freeing from the chains of addiction. Everyday i go to the chapel to pray to praise him.

last weekend of october 2012 . .

As the year slowly fades a way a day at a time i feel like a sailor on the seas of life. Drop anchor and bask in the warmth of forgotton sunlight or plot a new course to somewhere i never been. Foreign soil is the happiness i knew was out there somewhere. I think I will drift today letting the tide take me where I need to go. Anyway just started reading the most awesome book, this lady can write geez. THE CALL by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
(a couple paragraphs about her grandmother)Nana could put anyone in their place with a piercing look and the determined set of her thin lips. But to me she was the woman who thought I was beautiful. Unsure, as we all sometimes are, of my worth in the world. I remember feeling wonder at the way Nana tenderly stroked my cheek, telling me how beautiful I was. For some reason -perhaps because soft words did not frequently come from this small fierce woman-I believed her. I knew she truly saw me as beautiful, inside and out, and she loved the beauty she saw.
  The night of my grandfather's death I went to my grandparents' home and stayed the night. My parents were upstairs in the master bedroom, my grandmother had bedded down on the living room sofa, and I slept in a single bed in the small room off the kitchen. Newly pregnant with my first child and exhausted by the day's events, I was sleeping soundly when the sound of someone entering the room startled me awake in the middle of the night "Nana ?" I whispered, but she did not answer. Ghostly in her pale flannel nightgown, she silently lifted the covers and slid into the narrow bed next to me her small body trembling with cold and grief. Crying softly, she reached out and squeezed my hand, hard. For a moment I couldn't make any sense of it. This was not the grandmother I knew, the perpetual pillar of strength, a force to be reckoned with. This was a woman alone and lost without the husband she had loved for over fifty years. Rolliing onto my side, I stroked her cheek as we talked quietly about my grandfather. The tips of my fingers still remember her soft skin, covered with lines of age, damp from tears. I had not noticed those lines in the daylight. Shocked at seeing my grandmother broken by something life had thrown at her, I could not find the words to tell her what I hoped my touch would: you are beautiful and you are loved.

Brad Paisley, Alison Krauss - Whiskey Lullaby

This song breaks my heart. Ever ache for that one love ? The one you lost cause you were always  high ? And by the time you realized how stupid you were -he was gone with someone else? stuart davis i am soo sorry

the wheels on the bus . .

While I was in the discipleship home I had a dream that was so vivid and frightening that I found myself sitting up in bed awake in the dark. I never remember my dreams. I questioned if my dream was a dream ? I laid back down to a childhood song playing..."the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round and then I heard a goat bleat or whatever noise a goat makes. This song would start over and then it would be a pig. Then a cow.
 I am standing in the darkness. There is evil all around me. legions
My head is bowed and there is a stillness, like a silence before some tragic event.
I am not scared or angry
my sword is broken
I cry out . .
a brilliant light is suddenly alive in the darkness
I  believe it is the face of Truth
I hear laughter in the darkness
 that is vibrating through the floorboard
I cannot see the thousands of voices
 that are in the darkness
 because of the light
 which is blinding me
i fall to my knees terrified
 and alone
i close my eyes
 and the face of truth(god)
melts into a puddle
 at my feet.
I hear my sister's run up the steps
to my room.
A single hand flips on the light
 and i am electrocuted
by a thousand bolts of electricty

aahhhh

I love taking pictures of my daughter. She is such a drama queen that i want to nominate her for best actress in a drive your mother crazy in the shortest amount of time category. Yes first up in this category is Cassidy Nicole. . . Ebay is starting to pick up. So of course this computer crashed yesterday when I was using it. Mom took it in with the router. Seems it was not my fault ! ! Everyday I find myself at the chapel in prayer. Usually my prayers are thanks for the Lord for delivering me from the chains of addiction. I will never stop praising God. Today I prayed for Brother David and for Ray's mother. My nanny always told me you get to heaven on the arms of those you help. I miss her-alvia pry. The best granny in the world. She is the one who planted the seeds of faith in me. Next week me and mom start geneaology for 3 hours a week. Anyway I must get ready for church am gonna check out this little baptist church down the street.

Chris Tomlin - How Great is Our God (Live)

April 18, 2012 -late afternoon

I have journals thrown anywhere that is not accesible to my mother's view. I opened a notebook under the computer desk entitled  Summer/Fall 2011 Book of Shadows and this is a random entry..
  My day off passes gratefully, without a whimper or a sound. The only human contact I have is what I see from my 2nd story apartment window. I have not spoken to another human being for two days in a row. Will I still remember how to speak english tomorrow... when I return back to work ? I clear my throat just to hear my voice. To make sure I have one,. I pull my hair back and prepare to take my dirty laundry down stairs to the washer/dryer facility room. 20 steps each way and I am there and then I am here. I wonder if I should change my clothes for the big trip out my door? It doesn't matter if I know absolutely no one in this rinky dink town. Moscow Idaho home of the potato head. sigh maybe i should start handing out applications for future ex-husband ? nnaaaaa

words of wisdom

from the gospel according to Jesus
I found this paragraph on pg 151

It is said in the scriptures that water is a form of God. But some water is fit to be used for worship, some water for washing the face, and some only for washing plates or dirty linen. This last sort cannot be used for drinking or for worship. In the same way God undoubtedly dwells in the hearts of all-holy and unholy, righteous and unrighteous; but a man should not have dealings with the unholy, the wicked, the impure. He must not be intimate with them. With some of them he may exchange words, but with others he shouldn't go even that far. He should keep aloof from such people.

  so for some reason these words are warning me and I will heed them

 

the view . .

Well Katie has been approved for her apartment in spokane. Seems my ex-husband is paying her first six months rent so she can take care of the security deposit. Not sure how I feel about that. I am happy for her. I just hope she pays him back as planned. Anyway on friday while i was at the chapel i asked the Lord to give me a push in the direction I need to go in order to serve him. It was not 30 minutes later I had stopped by the library on my way back home and a lady from church spotted me. For some reason after i had introduced myself to the women at church they have all embraced me and everyone remembers my name. Anyway Carol approached me in the library of all places. She hugged me and told me that even though I was new that she felt that I had a call within the church and what kind of calling did i think I would be interested in. I felt myself exhale and a dumb look move onto my face what? Are you kidding me? I hadn't even made it home yet from the chapel where i was praying ! ! I have an appointment with the Bishop later on this week.

chocolate chip cookies. . .

So I just walked in the door after a job interview at one of the fast food businesses here in moscow. I was told that my jumping from one job to another job was going to be an issue. Instead of being crushed or disappointed I felt the holy spirit grab ahold my hand and calmness filled me. It is not for me to decide where I need to be or even work. I am going to keep putting job applications in everywhere and leave it all up to God. That is all I can do. And while I am doing on-line applications I am going to reward myself with two chocolate chip cookies for each one i finish! The only bummer thing is the milk in our fridge is some soy milk yuck liquid my mom uses for her diet. So I am  just going to have to make it 3 chocolate chip cookies to make up for it....dang i like the way i think.

look ma, no hands...

 

(florence white willet wrote)

I thank God for bitter things;
they've been a friend to grace
They've driven me from paths of ease
To storm the secret place.

I thank Him for the friends who failed
To fill my heart's deep need;
They've driven me to the Savior's feet,
Upon His love to feed.

I'm grateful too, through all life's way
No one could satisfy,
And so I've found in God alone
My rich, my full supply!

letter home...

This is my first letter home when i still had not really accepted what was going on.

 Dear Mom,
I hope you are well and enjoying the summer. Thank you for the box of my things you mailed to katie. (my daughter who brought them to where i was staying). I really appreciate it. So I was able to listen to your message right before my phone was confiscated. There is no phones, computers, TV, newspapers or magazines allowed at all in my little world. I can honestly say i think I bit off more than I can chew when it comes to this place. But whatever it takes right? This is a discipleship home. We are up at 5am for prayer and bible study. I find it hard to be told to kneel at the alter and to pray out loud for 2 or 3 hours a day. Everyday. They talk in tongues at church and i feel they are trying to brainwash us. I am the only sister who has does not fall down in a relegious swoon when they lay their hands on me and try to cast out my demons. The girls that go to Victory Outreach fall passed out to the floor unconscious or something. It really freaks me out bad. I am not allowed to talk to anybody outside the home..ever. No male contact or conversations with anyone. Does this seem a little extreme to you? I am never alone. I would like to say this is the place for me. But I am at a loss for words. My blackout is over now and I am allowed 1 phone call every a week. Every thursday we have a 24 hour fast geez .Katie and Sam come to church every sunday to see me. I am allowed to sit by them. But I am not allowed to talk to them. They tell me mormonism is evil and satantic. So I keep my thoughts to myself. I did start to read the bible though. I am just starting the book of deuteronomy. Due to the fact we are required 2-3 hours of bible study daily. I am actually learning scripture. They call it saturation. I call it a pain in the butt. Victory Outreach is non-demoninational
(wow did a spell that non-demon something hehe). The only thing that feels right is sometimes we are allowed to do street ministry. we are allowed to venture down sprague and try to talk the prostitutes and drug addicts who are female into our home for recovery and discipleship. I feel like I don't know. I love you always mom. I hope you are well. Maybe on my birthday or if you meet james to pick up cassidy you could send me some more of my clothes of make up and a few personal items. I have 5 or 6 shirts now and 2 pairs of pants. I still have your phone, my phone and my laptop they are all locked up safe in the office here. i love you KRIS

something about peter..

i am reading Paul a man of grace and grit. I opened the book  up and saw these words..."The conversion of a soul is the miracle of a moment, the manufacture of a saint is the task of a lifetime." Wow- I so knew that !! The process only begins at the moment of salvation.
 After I had been saved alot of things were beginning to happen inside of me. I could easily say- after I was converted. But for me SAVED is the only word i can use. Cause i was drowning in deep water, praying for a shark. I had all this empty space that needed to be filled. The first thing I did was turn to the new testament, book of John. The new testament is all about Jesus and i was going to find out everything I could about the my Saviour. As I approached the end of John I was reading chapter 21 and verse 7 entered my brain and knocked me to my knees. I started to cry like a baby. .
 Jesus has been crucufied and is resurrected. He appears on the shore of Tiberias to his disciples as they are fishing. Jesus calls out..asking if they had caught anything  and tells them to cast the net to the right side. Which they did and suddenly they have soo many fish caught in the net they can't pull the net in. The disciple Jesus loved said to Peter. "It is the Lord" At these words "It is the Lord, Simon Peter who had practically nothing on, wrapped his cloak round him and jumped into the water ! The pure joy Peter must have felt at seeing Jesus that he jumped into the water cause he just could not wait for the boat to get to shore. Especially after denying Jesus three times before the cock crowed when he was taken. Now i shared my little feel good it is time to get ready for church.

C.S. Lewis wrote..

I am halfway thru the apostle paul and even though i promised myself i would not pick up another book until that one was finished it was virtually impossible to do. I have found myself at the chapel down on bended knee every single day praying for understanding of the wisdom i seek.  Anyway I checked out 2 books from c.s. lewis mere christianity and the joyful christian. i found a reading entitled the trinity. i read it last night and then a little while ago and something about it makes sense. i have of course trimmed it from 8 paragraphs into what follows: 
The trinity ...God is a being which contains three persons while remaining one being. But as soon as i began trying to explain how these persons are connected , i have to use words which make it sound as if one of them was there before the others. the first person is called the father and the second the son. we say the first begets or produces the second; we call it begetting, not making, because what he produces is of the same kind as himself. in that way the word father is the only word to use. but unfortunately it suggests that he is there first- just as a human father exists before his son. but that is not so. there is no before and after about it. and that is why i have spent some time trying to make clear how one thing can be the source, or origin, of another without being there before it. the son exists because the father exists, but there never was a time before the father produced the son. if there were a being who had always existed and had always been imagining one thing, his act would always have been producing a mental picture; but the picture would be just as eternal as the act. in the same way we must think of the son always, so to speak, streaming forth from the father, like light from a lamp, or heat from a fire, or thoughts from a mind. he is the self expression of the father-what the father has to say. and there never was a time when he was not saying it.but have you noticed what is happening? all these pictures of light or heat are making it sound as if the father and son were two things instead of two persons. naturally god knows how to describe himself much better than we know how to describe him. he knows that father and son is more like the relation between the first and second persons than anything else we can think of. much the most important thing to know is that it is a relation of love. the father delights in his son and the son looks up to his father.. the union between father and son is such a live concrete thing that this union itself is also a person. of course it is not a real person it is only rather like a person. but that is just one of the differences between god and us. what grows out of the joint life of the father and son is a real person is in fact the third of the three persons who are god. this third person is called in technical language the holy ghost or the spirit of god. perhaps some people might find it easier to begin with the third person and work backward. god is love and that love works through men especially through the whole community of christians. but this spirit of love is, from all eternity, a love going on between the father and son.

sister maria

Myself and Kristy were in the back of the church putting up cleaning supplies. There was a meeting going on and we were actually waiting for our director to show up so we could all climb in the women's home van and get our tired aching bodies in bed. 5am comes early. I remember looking at Kristy and it got very quiet as i quickly looked away. She asked me.."Kris are you okay?"  I nodded annoyed that she caught the look on my face and felt she had to ask if i was alright. She and I locked eyes and i looked away first and for some reason i looked at the track mark on my home. i exhaled slowly as my little finger rested on it for a brief second. I don't know what really happened next only that i was not in control of my actions. My fingernails dug into my flesh and scratched deep into my skin, drawing blood instantly. I fell to the floor with my arms straight out from my body. As my arms were being mutilated by my own fingers. I was in a frenzy. I could not stop what was happening to me. I was silent the whole time. Poor Kristy. She ran over to me and started to pray over me. For a second my mind cleared and i heard my mind scream out to me... ARE YOU FRIGGING STUPID KRIS ? I started to cry and beg her not to tell pastor or anyone else for that matter. I started to have the exact same scratching fit the second she stopped praying over me. I wasn't terrified I was almost pleased with the pain i had inflicted on myself. It burned like fire. Suddenly pastor was in front of me asking me if i was okay i said yes. But when he noticed my arms he called out the others who are strong in the lord. I was shaking in fright and shame. I was soo ashamed to know they were all witness to such an act and in a church that we all went to. I started to choke on my phlegm I was crying that hard .Suddenly there were hands all over me.  i wanted to be free. i wanted peace. i wanted to be whole. Pastor's wife Sister Maria started making funny noises and coughing real funny. They bent me over at the waist and started yelling at me to spit it out. spit out what? Sister Maria broke away from me and ran down the hall and threw up in front of the door they had all came out of. I sank to the floor knowing something had happened. I will always be in awe of pastor and sister maria. I know this sounds strange but i know in my heart that because of her something evil left me and went into her and that it had no hold in her because of the light of god inside her.

at his feet. .

yesterday mom drove me around and around as we searched for a place i could pray. Yes i know i can pray at home but i felt the strongest urge to find a chapel and kneel before the cross. i just walked back from kneeling at the feet of jesus in the sanctuary i have found a couple blocks away. it is moving !! I found a new bible study group that meet on thursdays at the rock church here in moscow. there are 6 of us now that i have committed myself to be there every week at 7pm. i loved it. all different ages and at different stages in life. we all sat in a tight circle and sang songs of praise before we started to study parts of luke. i am free. tonight i will be looking for a friday service close by and hopefully it will be available. tomorrow there is a relief sociiety picnic at one of the parks that me and mom will be attending it is a pot luck. i also have a job interview on tuesday at taco bell. i praise god everyday for delivering me from myself. i am free to worship him. i thank you jesus for setting me free. together we took all my sins and tossed them into the sea of forgetfulness.

mommy dearest

 i need to let my mom know that just because i got saved- does not mean i like turnips now !

discipleship. .

to be totally immersed in the holy spirit where your whole existence is Jesus Christ and the Word of GOD and then to find yourself sitting out in the real world suddenly is frightening. i feel the enemy all around me -trying to find a way in.