perfectly acceptable..

so i bitch about this or that some of the time. if i blog about it then it is something that is going to push me into a homocidal rage. since i am not surrounded by friends to rescue me from myself..i blog. there is soo much i could say but i try not to make things to personal or just have a mind fuk thing going on such as she is such a slut or i don't know who the hell they think they are cause last time i talked to god he said the whole world revolves around me theme. that kinda attitude is annoying to say the very least. yeah i am down on my luck or love but this is  a form of mourning i guess. i don't really know what i expect from others since i have been gone for soo long being high. i know about chasing a bag and i know about manipulation and criminal activity. you can't just hang out with predators and walk away from them without missing the lifestyle.some of them are soo brilliant especially when you are not sober. the cameraderie is a bonding among addicts. i am not changing my opinion or view that anyone who uses is bad. it is simply not true.there are bad people who use and there are good people who use.

Bones..

Worst saying by a female has got to be...MEN ARE SUCH DOGS. Men are not dogs.They are worse than dogs!  They drool like dogs and want to hump everything they cannot eat.
Dogs are loyal and they come when you call them. Dogs are unconditional love.
Men only come if they call you.

remember that song ..if you are happy and you know it clap your hands

hey dj put a record on..

sometimes the melancholy of life plays my favorite song

silent musing...

how could my lips silence
 the primal screams
  of my heart?

how could my throat swallow
 this aching hunger
  and dying thirst?

criminally insane..

 i saw this guy waiting to cross the street here in moscow who looked like this crazy person i pissed off last time i sat in judge white's courtroom. my heart started beating like crazy and i had to resist the urge to duck my head or my mom would demand to know why. it is mardi gras here so people look a little off. i had just ducked into the annex for my newest show cause and i was a little early-say 30 seconds lol. i hate standing in front of a judge completely at their mercy should they decide to lock you up and throw away the key for a year. which is exactly what judge white had threatened to do to me if i showed up in his courtroom again. it was packed and they had even brought the handcuffed inmates from county to face charges. i found one seat against the back wall and to my surprise i felt a shoulder rub against mine and i looked into the eyes of a mailhandler i use to work with years back that i had dated maybe two times. i could say one that i had sex with one time but by saying i dated a few times you should assume such things. i smiled back but with the guards in place to keep an eye on the inmates it was hard to even do that. as i listened along with everyone else impatiently cause the handcuffed ones always go first i started to notice something going on along with everybody else. there was this old hispanic lady with a shawl who appeared out of the old country and she sat next to her young daughter in the front row. her daughter was very young and very pregnant and very scared. there was this crazy man sitting next to her that was trying to rub her belly. apparently she didn't realize that here in the states it wasn't upto anyone BUT HER as to who was in charge of invading her most sacred space which was ... her unborn child. IT WAS UPTO HER.i just could not let him intimidate her like that. the poor thing just had no clue what to do and was trembling and teary eyed. there sat crazy guy who was  just your everyday average piece of white trash. the more i focused on her mother who was wringing her hands together and trying not to freak out  the more pissed off i became.  she didn't know how to get this freak away from her pregnant daughter.  i mean we were in a courtroom of the law if anything she should have been fine there. i finally stood up and approached the front row like i was the person the judge had called and i tapped the pregnant girl on the shoulder ...she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and i pointed to my seat in the back row. she jumped up and her mother twisted all the way around watching her daughter move somewhere safer than she patted my hand a few times and i smiled at her. the judge kinda stopped there for a moment but i just looked forward and kept my mouth shut. when they were escorting all the inmates out we weren't really allowed to leave the court room but people started talking and this crazy man turned to me just as it was time for us all to rise again and told me loudly...YOU SURE ARE PRETTY. which i ignored and then  he put his hand on my shoulder and stroked my hair and tried to whisper in my ear. and i didn't squirm away like the pregnant girl did i yanked his hand off me and i told him in a deadly whisper... if he touched me one more time i was going to punch him in the face as hard as i could and i stuck my left hand right in his face in the infamous talk to the hand move and crossed my legs away from him, end of story. half the courtroom behind me snickered and i heard a light approval run thru all us part time criminals  and i had a feel good. until i was out front  of the courthouse waiting for cap to pick me up and i noticed that crazy man- right as he noticed me and i was freaked out when he jumped up and came towards me yelling that i had made him look like a fool. he appeared very angry and schizophrenic or  maybe crimninally insane. you never know with someone like that if they just got out of eastern state hospital and what they are capable of. wanna know how i knew he was crazy..? he was laying on his back on the side walk in front of the courthouse steps looking up and commenting on the panties women were or were not wearing as they walked up and down the steps for court. i was soo freaked out i started to walk the 5 miles home just to be away from him and missed my ride.

don't cry...

don't let your anger ignite any fuses you can't blow out kris. just close the bedroom door and come sit in front of me and let me talk you down from the high ledge you are perched on...she is not use to living alone and with the hectic pace of the move and all her stability thrown into boxes and bags like that did alot to unsettle her. it is not your fault she can't find or remember where things are. you did what you could when you were not working at the super 8 to get this done and over with. you warned her and asked if you could start preparing for the chaos but she was in denial and declined. i know it makes you upset that she got mad at you for suggesting that you guys go thru her things like her closet and make a goodwill pile and get rid of stuff before you brought stuff into the new place. and then you would go to work and work your ass off and come home and she would be mad not at you but herself because she just couldn't seem to get it that it was going to take soo long. you did what you could and more.
i think you know inside that how she would roll her eyes and insult you when you would suggest getting rid of a roll of christmas wrapping paper was a condition of the insanity. but it still brought tears to your eyes. even though you would get up at 6 am to load the truck while she was showering so you could make a couple trips before you clocked into work and the multiple back and forth with your sprained ankle and back after work were too much for even yourself. she has never thanked you. when you guys would swing by mcdonalds for lunch after doing all her work for her she always made you buy your own food..always. i know how hard you worked and i know how hurt you are living with someone who doesn't appreciate you but goodness will come your way. besides maybe you are working off a little karma? so why are you upset about ebay? you know how she is? blah blah blah i know each listing takes at least 20 to 25 minutes of your time and you have done over 300 without her acknowledging it. she has given you maybe 50 dollars in cash when she brought in 3,000 dollars within a couple weeks. she keeps telling you she is going to pay you and after this long you know it is not going to happen. just accept the fact it ain't going to happen. you look at something that hasn't sold in 3 months and hint that it might look good on you and she shakes her head and takes it out of your hands like it would bankrupt her and it is listed at $18 dollars that should let you know she has isssues. she makes you buy anything you want to wear and there is no discount if anything she raises the price. your food card benefits are 200 month you do the dishes and cook food. now she is mad at you cause the shipping rates went up at the post office like you did it intentionally. hell just be calm and let her learn how to take the pics and go thru the process of listing an auction. just be nice about it teach her something before you walk off into the sunset so she has something to do with her time besides put you down k?